Is this well meaning or rude as hell?
- Thread starter AGonzalez
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then tell him flat out. If you and your husband are prepared to handle the consequences then don't hold back. He and his mom and dad aren't close so if he is unable to deal with it then you do what you have to do and as long as you and your husband are on the SAME page about it and you are both able and willing to handle the consequences of it
I'd be offended and think you're well past time where you need placate him. Telling him it's inappropriate and that you won't be discussing it further should be more than enough.
Are they a generally clingy family in general? If your husband and he aren't close, I find it odd that he's calling you frequently about your child, particularly since you're newly married. I can say that (although my being extremely antiphone and antichatty probably has a lot to do with it) I've not talked to my in laws on the phone once. And we've been together for like 5 years (married for 2) My husband is close with his family, he just does the phone chatting. And they call his cell when they want to chat.
Are they a generally clingy family in general? If your husband and he aren't close, I find it odd that he's calling you frequently about your child, particularly since you're newly married. I can say that (although my being extremely antiphone and antichatty probably has a lot to do with it) I've not talked to my in laws on the phone once. And we've been together for like 5 years (married for 2) My husband is close with his family, he just does the phone chatting. And they call his cell when they want to chat.
That's a whole 'nother story there Grab, lol.
He and his dad aren't close, by my husbands choice, not his fathers. There's some bad blood and his father seems to be trying to make up for a lot of the stuff that went on (his parents have been divorced since he was 5 or so) but DH isn't an exactly forgiving person. DH's mom told me about a lot of it so I understand why their relationship is kind of strained.
So, since DH won't call his dad and tell him what's going on now that he's in Afghanistan, his dad calls me to find out...that part I don't mind, I understand he's concerned for his son and I'm not about to ask DH to call his father if he doesn't want to talk to him. It doesn't help that he's said some things about me to DH that haven't settled well with him, such as making comments about my kids or about the fact that I'm anti-social with his dad...gee, I wonder why
But, these calls start out with asking how DH's doing, and after I say that he's doing ok but is really busy, then he starts in on me with snide remarks and such. I'm trying to play nice since he's family, I don't want to just say "ya know what, none of your damned business" and hang up...but it's frustrating for me to have to hold back. I guess that the saying "if you can't say something nice" doesn't bode well with me.
When I first mentioned it to DH before he deployed his response was "Now do you see why I don't call him very often?" and said he'd deal with it. Now that he is limited to 15 minutes on the phone and needs to keep his head in the game, I haven't brought it back up. It's my job to keep him in the loop on what's going on at home, but I purposely leave out the stressful crap, ya know.
And as someone mentioned, had it been my family doing this, I would have told them to stick it up their butt (and for the record, I did just this with one of them that didn't like my personal decisions) and probably in a much more colorful way than that. Ok, no probably about that. But, I'm allowed to talk to my own relatives like this, and they'll forgive me eventually.
He and his dad aren't close, by my husbands choice, not his fathers. There's some bad blood and his father seems to be trying to make up for a lot of the stuff that went on (his parents have been divorced since he was 5 or so) but DH isn't an exactly forgiving person. DH's mom told me about a lot of it so I understand why their relationship is kind of strained.
So, since DH won't call his dad and tell him what's going on now that he's in Afghanistan, his dad calls me to find out...that part I don't mind, I understand he's concerned for his son and I'm not about to ask DH to call his father if he doesn't want to talk to him. It doesn't help that he's said some things about me to DH that haven't settled well with him, such as making comments about my kids or about the fact that I'm anti-social with his dad...gee, I wonder why
But, these calls start out with asking how DH's doing, and after I say that he's doing ok but is really busy, then he starts in on me with snide remarks and such. I'm trying to play nice since he's family, I don't want to just say "ya know what, none of your damned business" and hang up...but it's frustrating for me to have to hold back. I guess that the saying "if you can't say something nice" doesn't bode well with me.
When I first mentioned it to DH before he deployed his response was "Now do you see why I don't call him very often?" and said he'd deal with it. Now that he is limited to 15 minutes on the phone and needs to keep his head in the game, I haven't brought it back up. It's my job to keep him in the loop on what's going on at home, but I purposely leave out the stressful crap, ya know.
And as someone mentioned, had it been my family doing this, I would have told them to stick it up their butt (and for the record, I did just this with one of them that didn't like my personal decisions) and probably in a much more colorful way than that. Ok, no probably about that. But, I'm allowed to talk to my own relatives like this, and they'll forgive me eventually.
You know it! My own mother & siblings know how I am, and vice versa......you get told up front 99% of the time, no ifs ands or buts and it's over. They might stew a few days, but eventually, they get over it, LOL
Kevin and his family are quite different. They go above and beyond to be polite and keep REAL feelings to themselves I don't mean just with me or others, I mean with each other too! That idea is foreign to me.......in my family, we'd yell it out, sling the mud, get it all out on the table and move on. Most of the time better for it in the end, I say most because there was that one time I tried to run my brother over with the car, LMFAO, luckily he dove out of the way just in time because I never applied the brakes at any time! hahahahahaha
As far as letting your husband tell his own family.......I most certainly didn't mean RIGHT NOW. Obviously he has bigger fish to fry at the moment. I just meant to steer clear of the conversation and let your hubby deal with his dad when he can. But also as I said earlier, when it comes to my kids it's tough to hold my tongue so I probably wouldn't be able to hold it in if this man is as pushy as you say.
Kevin and his family are quite different. They go above and beyond to be polite and keep REAL feelings to themselves
I don't mean just with me or others, I mean with each other too! That idea is foreign to me.......in my family, we'd yell it out, sling the mud, get it all out on the table and move on. Most of the time better for it in the end, I say most because there was that one time I tried to run my brother over with the car, LMFAO, luckily he dove out of the way just in time because I never applied the brakes at any time! hahahahahahaAs far as letting your husband tell his own family.......I most certainly didn't mean RIGHT NOW. Obviously he has bigger fish to fry at the moment. I just meant to steer clear of the conversation and let your hubby deal with his dad when he can. But also as I said earlier, when it comes to my kids it's tough to hold my tongue so I probably wouldn't be able to hold it in if this man is as pushy as you say.
I vote you tell him to **** off. I like my in-laws and I get along with them pretty well but if I've been trying and trying to be tactful about something I will hit the wall at some point and tell them how I actually feel. Especially if I was in your situation. You have enough stress with your husband being deployed and trying to prep for a move to Germany, you don't need him "helping" you. IMO of course.
I live in a family where holidays went down the toilet because one father in law insisted on asking my brother "which are your children and which are hers?" and didn't take the hint when my brother responded "they are all our children". So he stopped coming to Christmas and I didn't get to see my eldest brother anymore. Guess the rest of us didn't count as much as one irritating relative. I use to love Christmas. It was the only time I got to see all my brothers together and I loved seeing them tease each other.
Ignore your Fil for the fool he is. I am assuming there is a Mil. Enjoy her company and don't let the Fil ruin her time to be with the family. If there is not, then just don't find a reason for him to be around if that is the way your husband feels.
Ignore your Fil for the fool he is. I am assuming there is a Mil. Enjoy her company and don't let the Fil ruin her time to be with the family. If there is not, then just don't find a reason for him to be around if that is the way your husband feels.
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What a nutjob.
I think Renee hit it right on the money. If he says something like "oh, I forgot where I put my keys" say "oh my goodness, have you been to the doctor?? that's a sign of Alzheimers. And didn't you forget so-and-so's wife's name last week?!?!?"
Now, I am probably way to quick to think "so-and-so seems like they have _____ this medical condition" and in my mind I'm a total hypochondriac by proxy, but I would never in a zillion years say something like that to ANYONE unless they asked or I was extremely close to the family and the child seemed to be unhappy or something.
I think Renee hit it right on the money. If he says something like "oh, I forgot where I put my keys" say "oh my goodness, have you been to the doctor?? that's a sign of Alzheimers. And didn't you forget so-and-so's wife's name last week?!?!?"
Now, I am probably way to quick to think "so-and-so seems like they have _____ this medical condition" and in my mind I'm a total hypochondriac by proxy, but I would never in a zillion years say something like that to ANYONE unless they asked or I was extremely close to the family and the child seemed to be unhappy or something.
A marriage (and therefor inlaws) last a long time...while the passive aggressive and revengeful tactics are really appealing, it's just going to create more tension going forward.
I know you can't get your husband involved in drama right now, but I still think it's eventually his battle to fight. I would ignore it as best you can until your husband is home safely and can deal with it. Every time FIL asks about your son, say something like "he's doing fine--did you see that xyz is happening in town next week?" (just change the subject). Or simply say, "I appreciate your concern, but we're monitoring him carefully. I'll let you know if we ever discover something."
The alternative is to have a real conversation with him, and explain to him why it hurts you when he says these things. Honestly, he probably doesn't even realize it does. He's probably trying to be involved and helpful (and is obviously failing miserably), but your children are now his grandchildren. Heaven knows my grandparents offended my parents with some of their parenting "advice" over the years.
I know you can't get your husband involved in drama right now, but I still think it's eventually his battle to fight. I would ignore it as best you can until your husband is home safely and can deal with it. Every time FIL asks about your son, say something like "he's doing fine--did you see that xyz is happening in town next week?" (just change the subject). Or simply say, "I appreciate your concern, but we're monitoring him carefully. I'll let you know if we ever discover something."
The alternative is to have a real conversation with him, and explain to him why it hurts you when he says these things. Honestly, he probably doesn't even realize it does. He's probably trying to be involved and helpful (and is obviously failing miserably), but your children are now his grandchildren. Heaven knows my grandparents offended my parents with some of their parenting "advice" over the years.
I agree that there is no need to involve your husband right now. How about you just ignore the phone calls? Slip a couple excuses how busy you are with your life and the children and send out weekly emails with updates on your husband.
And then you can all sit down and talk about it when your husband gets back
And then you can all sit down and talk about it when your husband gets back
I agree that there is no need to involve your husband right now. How about you just ignore the phone calls? Slip a couple excuses how busy you are with your life and the children and send out weekly emails with updates on your husband.
And then you can all sit down and talk about it when your husband gets back
And then you can all sit down and talk about it when your husband gets back
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Just wanted to add my post was mostly joking and I agree with Jules. I think assuring your FIL that Sean is happy and healthy and you'll let him know if anything changes is a good idea and then avoiding it is the best plan.
I think it is both well meaning AND rude as hell. It is possible to be both.
I think it is both well meaning AND rude as hell. It is possible to be both.
I agree that there is no need to involve your husband right now. How about you just ignore the phone calls? Slip a couple excuses how busy you are with your life and the children and send out weekly emails with updates on your husband.
And then you can all sit down and talk about it when your husband gets back
And then you can all sit down and talk about it when your husband gets back
I do think that your FIL is being rude, and I know it would get under my skin as well. Trust me when I say I've had more than enough problems with inlaws, and if I ever remarry it will be to an orphan with no surviving brothers and sisters