Is this well meaning or rude as hell?

[AGonzalez]

So my father in law is being a real pain in my ass, already.

He has this notion that my 3 year old is autistic, and keeps referring to him as being autistic. On what basis? Because at our wedding my 3 year old did not like the loud band in the garage and covered his ears, and it upset him...so now he's automatically autistic, more specifically they think he has Aspbergers syndrome. his other basis is that my 3 year old doesn't "talk"...by this he means he doesn't talk your ear off, and he never has, he's always been quiet, and he is shy with strangers. So he refuses to talk to my FIL; I could only be so lucky to be able to do the same.
Sean has been to the doctor because his speech was a bit delayed initially, but he outgrew that and speaks fine now, just not to my FIL.

Now here's the tricky part, this is my FIL. I need a tactful way to tell him he's over-stepped his boundaries and is pissing me off. <---- that statement right there was what I had in mind to tell him, see why I'm asking for suggestions? Implying that my son is autistic is not only rude as hell as far as I'm concerned, but not any of their business.

Something needs to be said, every time he calls he harps and bitches at me about Sean needing further testing and that I'm irresponsible for not taking him in and that I owe it to my son to do this. I'm sick of the guilt trips that are unwarranted. I told my husband what went on and he said he would tell his dad to back off on it, because he doesn't believe it either, but this hasn't stopped my FIL from harassing me further.

So, looking at this from my perspective, how would you react? If this was your child that has been no slower to develop than your other children and now you have someone new step into your life who is INSISTING your child is autistic, would it **** you off?

 

[MicksMom]

Thank him for caring and tell him Sean's doctor sees no reason for concern.

 

[AGonzalez]

Thank him for caring and tell him Sean's doctor sees no reason for concern.

I tried this, that is where I got the "you need to see another doctor and you're being irresponsible" guilt trip...

 

[Fran101]

I would be pissed. he really lacks tack for bringing that up and refering to your son that way so willy nilly

I would just talk to him calmly
"Look, I know you care for my son and mean no harm, but please, understand that I'm his mother, he has and will receive all the care he needs. he has had speech therapists and regularly sees a licensed physician that doesn't agree with your opinion on his mental health. My son has always been shy and quiet, stick around and he will warm up, but hes shy, not autistic, and I would appreciate if you would stop reffering to him as such. Thank you for caring about him, but im the parent, and I know what is best for my child and what he needs"

 

[Renee750il]

I think I'd ask him for his experience and credentials . . . and then tell him that I'm going to assume he is concerned out of genuine caring, but that you and Sean's pediatricians and speech therapists are quite satisfied that he is a normal, happy, loving 3 year old, just introverted and self-contained, and that it would be terrible if anyone were to undermine his self-confidence by giving him the impression that they thought there was something "wrong" with him. I'd also tell him that Sean listens more than he talks and is sensitive to people's reactions -- and is very likely to pick up on anyone treating him like he's "different."

People :madgo:

EDIT: And if he persists, gaslight him and start talking to him like he's becoming senile

 

[Saeleofu]

If this was your child that has been no slower to develop than your other children and now you have someone new step into your life who is INSISTING your child is autistic, would it **** you off?

Well...honestly, I can't give much feedback on that aspect, because IF I ever were to have kids, the odds are the father would be autistic too (as am I), so given the parents I'd pretty much expect the kid to be autistic lol. Since I'm asexual, I've considered adoption, but I would almost certainly end up adopting an autistic kid anyway. So yeah, if someone told me my kid was autistic, I'd pretty much be like, "Duh?"


I also can't offer a tactful response for you to give your FIL either because...yeah I sometimes lack in that department


But I did want to say that with my nephew it's almost the opposite problem. See, since the 2 years since I've been diagnosed with Asperger's (the correct spelling...sorry, pet peeve), I've realized that autism actually DOES run in my family. My nephew has shown consistent signs of being on the autism spectrum for as long as I can remember. He has a bald spot with a little bump from hitting his head on things when he gets frustrated. He does cover his ears when there's loud noises, but he does it consistently for noises that my mom says aren't very loud (I'm sound sensitive too, so "normal" sound levels bother me too). He's very literal and just does NOT get sarcasm (I've grown to love sarcasm, but I still am pretty literal). Anyway, I can't suggest to his mom that he's on the spectrum because I also have selective mutism as part of my AS and I can't really talk when I'm over at their house. But my mom did mention it to his mom, and her response was "Is it contagious?" *headdesk* So yeah he'll probably wait to get diagnosed until later, like I did.



Aaaaaaanywayyyyyyy...I'm of the belief that people are born autistic, but even at that I think 3 years odl is too young to say anything for sure. Autism is WAY over-diagnosed as it is (well, technically over-diagnosed in those that don't have it, under-diagnosed in those that do...as ****ed up as that is) and especially in kids people are often too quick to come to an autism dx, which is why some people get the notion that it's curable - it's not, but some people were misdiagnosed as children and have apparently been "cured" of a disorder they never had to begin with.

I'd probably just tell him like it is - it's none of his business and to STFU

For the record, though, I didn't have delayed speech. I was actually an early talker, and I was reading by 3 years old. My motor skills sucked though, and they still do. I've also had problems talking coherently in situations that I'm uncomfortable in. Had I been diagnosed as a child and had social skill training, occupational therapy, etc I probably wouldn't be as impaired as I am now, but the fact is it's just not something that was diagnosed in high-functioning kids, especially girls, at the time.

 

[AGonzalez]

EDIT: And if he persists, gaslight him and start talking to him like he's becoming senile

Bwhahahaha! That's funny.
This has been going on since May, so you can probably understand my frustration. It's another reason I'll be happy to move to Germany, where they can't call and bug me, and certainly not stop by to visit (since his dad only lives 50 miles from me).

He never needed speech therapy, his pediatrician said "some kids develop later than others, I'd be concerned if he's not talking 6 months from now" - this was when he had just turned 2. It hasn't been a concern since. Sean can articulate his needs to his doctor just fine, like when he had his accident and got stitches a couple of weeks ago, he sat and told the doctor exactly how he did it, how much it bled, and that stitches hurt. He remembers it well enough that when we went to the dr's office today to do paperwork, the first thing he said getting out of the car was "NO! No shots mom"...

I just think it's offensive, and the fact that his father brought it up like 2 days after the wedding, and I barely know the guy, even more so.


ETA: Thanks Sale. He's not sound sensitive to things like the vacuum or loud music in the car (though I keep it down to a reasonable volume for my ears too) or other general noises, he just really didn't like listening to a garage band in an enclosed garage - I thought it was too loud too and opted to sit outside.

I just don't like how someone can make an assumption like that after meeting my son once. It's frustrating and I hate being belittled for "not getting him help" because my doctor says there is nothing wrong with him but I'm the bad parent.

 

[Saeleofu]

regularly sees a licensed physician that doesn't agree with your opinion on his mental health

Autism happens to be in the DSM but it is not a mental illness. It is neurological. Kthnksbye.

 

[HayleyMarie]

I think I'd ask him for his experience and credentials . . . and then tell him that I'm going to assume he is concerned out of genuine caring, but that you and Sean's pediatricians and speech therapists are quite satisfied that he is a normal, happy, loving 3 year old, just introverted and self-contained, and that it would be terrible if anyone were to undermine his self-confidence by giving him the impression that they thought there was something "wrong" with him. I'd also tell him that Sean listens more than he talks and is sensitive to people's reactions -- and is very likely to pick up on anyone treating him like he's "different."

People :madgo:

EDIT: And if he persists, gaslight him and start talking to him like he's becoming senile

^^^ This hit the nail on the head.

I find what your FIL is saying about your son very rude, and if I had a child and someone, even family was saying that about him you bet I would be pissed and tell them whats what. I probably would not be nice about it either if they still continued to do it after I politly asked them to stop.

Children develope at difference speeds. I was a slow developer and a very sensative child and I could easily pick up when someones was treating me differently and that would effect me. Thanks God I grew out of that.

But really its none of your FIL's buisness. You are sean's mother not him.

 

[Pam111]

It's rude. I would be upset

Also, I believe people with Aspberger's have normal speech and social development before age 3

 

[Baxter'smybaby]

Honestly, there probably isn't alot you can do other than say thanks for your concern. We will keep an eye on him. Let your husband deal with him on this--and if your FIL brings it up again, let him know that you are done with that discussion, thank you very much.

 

[Renee750il]

Autism happens to be in the DSM but it is not a mental illness. It is neurological. Kthnksbye.

Sorry, Sale Obviously I'm not an expert on the subject

 

[LilahRoot]

I would be extremely offended. It is really none of his business and I most likely would have told him that the first time it was mentioned.

That being said, my son was diagnosed as autistic, and I would probably would still be offended if someone that hardly knew him or I came up and basically said to me that they thought there was something wrong with my kid. That's not how it's done. Sorry.

 

[CaliTerp07]

Personally, it's not your job to say anything. Your husband needs to talk to him. I know he's deployed (or soon to be deployed), but it's his job to deal with his family...there's no reason to make you the bad guy here.

 

[Samantha's pet]

It sounds like someone saw the show "Parenthood" lol. That is so ridiculous. It sounds to me like the only thing that would shut him up is if you saw a specialist and had him cleared, although I understand that you shouldnt have to go to those lengths to satisfy crazy people. Just tell him you're pediatrician is a professional on these matters and he isnt so you dont want to freak your kid out for no reason by having his behavior evaluated and that he doesnt show any signs of any form of autism. (covering your ears once and not liking certain people is not apserger's!). I wouldnt worry too much about being tactful. Make them feel like they are being ridiculous.

Ask them what their exact reasons are for their assumption and just debunk each one. (He covered his ears b/c the music was loud, he DOES speak fine, just not to you, etc)

 

[ACooper]

First let me say that HE!! YES that would offend me, pi$$ me off, and I don't know how long I could keep my trap shut and be civil if it were Kevin's family! I know I wouldn't hold back 2 seconds if it were my own family (as I'm sure you wouldn't either)

If I had already told him we weren't concerned at this time but would keep an eye on it, I definitely wouldn't acknowledge any more comments from him on the subject.

Honestly, there probably isn't a lot you can do other than say thanks for your concern. We will keep an eye on him. Let your husband deal with him on this--and if your FIL brings it up again, let him know that you are done with that discussion, thank you very much.

^ that

Personally, it's not your job to say anything. Your husband needs to talk to him. I know he's deployed (or soon to be deployed), but it's his job to deal with his family...there's no reason to make you the bad guy here.

and ^this.

It's a very sticky situation when dealing with inlaws (as I'm sure you already know) especially when they are NEW inlaws! But as I said earlier........I would do my level best to hold my tongue and let Kevin deal with his own family, no guarantees I could manage it when it comes to my kids though, hahaha

 

[Romy]

You should start covering your ears whenever there's a loud sound, when he's there to see you. And all of the other behaviors he described in your son. opcorn:

Then again, I just like messing with people instead of confronting them.

 

[Doberluv]

You should start covering your ears whenever there's a loud sound, when he's there to see you. And all of the other behaviors he described in your son. opcorn:

Then again, I just like messing with people instead of confronting them.

:rofl1::rofl1::rofl1:

Great advice!

I would be pissed too. I liked Renee's ideas among others. I also think letting your hubby bear the brunt of dealing with him. You shouldn't have to. And of course, ignoring always works...until he has an extinction burst. Remember, he may give it all he's got before the behavior stops. LOL.

 

[sparks19]

If you don't answer the ph one everytime he calls will he drive there everytime?

maybe stop answering the majority of their calls if at all possible. now if that would just result in him driving there that doesn't work but if not... let it go to the answering machine or just let it ring.

but yes I would let your husband handle it. He needs to be firm and clear. He needs to handle it. when it comes to my inlaws Brian is the one that handles it and when it comes to HIS inlaws I am the one that handles it.

You don't have to love them but you do have to tolerate them even when tehy are obnoxious or your spouse also wishes to cut them off... or you'll just end up hurting yourself in the end

Heck YES taht would annoy me. Hannah is not potty trained yet and my MIL (and I really DO love her... she's very good to us but she says things that hurt me just because it's not what SHE did) makes comments like "well I hope she's potty trained before she's FIVE" I HATE that when she says it. but... Brian is the one that deals with it. I tell him my concerns and he handles it. that's not to say she doesn't still blurt out things she shouldn't but my family does the same to him and I deal with them.

 

[AGonzalez]

Personally, it's not your job to say anything. Your husband needs to talk to him. I know he's deployed (or soon to be deployed), but it's his job to deal with his family...there's no reason to make you the bad guy here.

He's in a warzone with limited telephone communication...his dad is calling me on my cell phone to harp on me, I think it's more than time for me to say something because I am the one tired of it and my husband does not need to have to deal with petty bullshit like this while he needs to pay attention to what he's doing and keeping himself alive.

ETA: My husband says I should just tell him how I feel, and that he doesn't care because they aren't close. I have been nice, but it's really getting ridiculous.

I stopped answering the phone at all, then they say they are "concerned" about me. I'm concerned about being left alone and not having my son treated differently because the "experts" there think he has a problem while my doctor does not.