I can't stop crying, need a hug please
- Thread starter skittledoo
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(((((((HUGS))))))) Amber.
My dogs are part of the reason -- actually probably, if he were being honest, the heart of the reason a two year relationship just went up in smoke (and honestly, it probably should have and I always knew it was a temp).
Back when Roger lived with me and I had Bear, he asked me that same question about choosing, and the only honest answer I could give him was that if he honestly, truly love me that would be something he would never even consider asking me to do, that the choice wouldn't be him or the dog, it would be was there any reason to be living with someone who loved me so little that they'd hurt me like that.
You and Josh will get this worked out. It sounds like there's a lot of understandable frustration -- and loneliness on his end of it. (((((((MOREHUGS)))))))
My dogs are part of the reason -- actually probably, if he were being honest, the heart of the reason a two year relationship just went up in smoke (and honestly, it probably should have and I always knew it was a temp).
Back when Roger lived with me and I had Bear, he asked me that same question about choosing, and the only honest answer I could give him was that if he honestly, truly love me that would be something he would never even consider asking me to do, that the choice wouldn't be him or the dog, it would be was there any reason to be living with someone who loved me so little that they'd hurt me like that.
You and Josh will get this worked out. It sounds like there's a lot of understandable frustration -- and loneliness on his end of it. (((((((MOREHUGS)))))))
I think your husbands concerns and feelings are valid. I think it's EXTREMELY valid that you don't want to live somewhere with free roaming dogs, that's just plain dangerous even if you didn't have dogs of your own.
Renting with dogs is hard. Being separated from your partner is hard. The situation sucks and I'm sorry you have to go through it. We'll be sending "it all works out" vibes.
Renting with dogs is hard. Being separated from your partner is hard. The situation sucks and I'm sorry you have to go through it. We'll be sending "it all works out" vibes.
To flip it around, Josh could've found a job locally. Your mom is allowing you to stay with her rent free, and if he had found a job in GA then you could've stayed there.
I think it's unfair to make you choose between him or the dogs, especially since he knows how much they mean to you.
Like I said, I can see his side of the story... but it's a very unfair way of thinking
You shouldn't have to worry about choosing. Especially since your mom is allowing BOTH of you to stay at her home with the dogs. It was Josh who WANTED to move to VA.
I think it's unfair to make you choose between him or the dogs, especially since he knows how much they mean to you.
Like I said, I can see his side of the story... but it's a very unfair way of thinking
You shouldn't have to worry about choosing. Especially since your mom is allowing BOTH of you to stay at her home with the dogs. It was Josh who WANTED to move to VA.
I don't think Josh is a bad guy at all, just, like others have said, frustrated and lonely. Heck, when I was looking for apartments for the first time in KC, it was nearly impossible to find one that would rent to someone with a dog over 50lbs, never mind being affordable. I eventually found something and it worked out for the most part, but it took some serious searching. There has to be something out there that will allow for two dogs that is a normal apartment i.e. not a shared house. VA seems like it's a bit more dog-friendly than KC.
Don't be afraid to email a landlord who hadn't specifically stated that dogs were ok in their ad and say that you are willing and able to provide references, name off any and all titles/classes the dogs have completed, as well as the fact that they are potty-trained, will be crated when you leave the house and that you would be willing to pay a little more upfront as a pet deposit or something. I received a lot more interest when I included that stuff and that's what landed Michelle and I that last house I lived in before coming to CO.
(((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))) you guys will get through this!
Don't be afraid to email a landlord who hadn't specifically stated that dogs were ok in their ad and say that you are willing and able to provide references, name off any and all titles/classes the dogs have completed, as well as the fact that they are potty-trained, will be crated when you leave the house and that you would be willing to pay a little more upfront as a pet deposit or something. I received a lot more interest when I included that stuff and that's what landed Michelle and I that last house I lived in before coming to CO.
(((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))) you guys will get through this!
I understand his reasoning for being upset. I know he's frustrated and I'm trying to do what I can on my end to try and ease the frustration somewhat. I've been doing dogsitting jobs to save up some more money to help out and I do all of the research and contacting of all potential rental places. I get all the information from them regarding the places for rent and if it's something we really want to look into further then Josh goes to see the places. He's only actually gone to look at two so far, but I've contracted probably close to 100 places. A lot of them haven't responded to any of my emails or calls unfortunately.
My mom wont want to watch the dogs for a few weeks. She works a full time job and doesn't want to have to deal with crate and rotating between Bamm and her dog. I told her when we moved here that if Bamm and her dog didn't get along then I would do most of the crate and rotate work so that she doesn't have to stress it since having our dogs here is a lot for her considering she's used to only having one dog. My brother is here, but I wouldn't trust him alone with my dogs with a ten foot pole. I'm constantly asking him to stop harassing Cricket because he thinks it's funny to scare her and I have to follow after him to make sure he doesn't leave something lying around that Cricket can eat that would harm her. He also has to be reminded to leave the side gate shut sometimes and I have made it a habit to check to make sure the gate is closed before letting the dogs out in the backyard.
You know... I googled a bit and it seems it's fairly common for one spouse to give the other ultimatums like that. Doesn't make it right... but it definitely happens more than I thought. :/
My mom wont want to watch the dogs for a few weeks. She works a full time job and doesn't want to have to deal with crate and rotating between Bamm and her dog. I told her when we moved here that if Bamm and her dog didn't get along then I would do most of the crate and rotate work so that she doesn't have to stress it since having our dogs here is a lot for her considering she's used to only having one dog. My brother is here, but I wouldn't trust him alone with my dogs with a ten foot pole. I'm constantly asking him to stop harassing Cricket because he thinks it's funny to scare her and I have to follow after him to make sure he doesn't leave something lying around that Cricket can eat that would harm her. He also has to be reminded to leave the side gate shut sometimes and I have made it a habit to check to make sure the gate is closed before letting the dogs out in the backyard.
You know... I googled a bit and it seems it's fairly common for one spouse to give the other ultimatums like that. Doesn't make it right... but it definitely happens more than I thought. :/
To flip it around, Josh could've found a job locally. Your mom is allowing you to stay with her rent free, and if he had found a job in GA then you could've stayed there.
I think it's unfair to make you choose between him or the dogs, especially since he knows how much they mean to you.
Like I said, I can see his side of the story... but it's a very unfair way of thinking You shouldn't have to worry about choosing. Especially since your mom is allowing BOTH of you to stay at her home with the dogs. It was Josh who WANTED to move to VA.
I think it's unfair to make you choose between him or the dogs, especially since he knows how much they mean to you.
Like I said, I can see his side of the story... but it's a very unfair way of thinking
You shouldn't have to worry about choosing. Especially since your mom is allowing BOTH of you to stay at her home with the dogs. It was Josh who WANTED to move to VA.
Thank you Steph. I know you've met Josh as well and truthfully... he's not a bad person. He's just really stressed out and he's lonely. I can totally understand that feeling.
I didn't think to talk to people that don't mention pets or might not allow pets normally. Not sure why that didn't occur to me to at least give it a try. Aside from Bamm's DR issue (which I can manage provided we're in the right living situation) both of my dogs are completely non destructive. Cricket has never chewed furniture or walls, carpet, etc. Bamm can honestly be left out of his crate if I'm gone and he wont get into anything, but I still tend to crate him if I'm going to be gone for a little while. They're both well behaved... well Cricket is going through her bratty teenage stage, but she isn't mean to other dogs. She isn't aggressive by any means and like I said, she doesn't chew things she shouldn't or anything. My last landlord was incredibly impressed by them.
I think you should tell Josh how it made you feel. Just like you explained it here. It is not about loving the dogs more than him, it doesn't mean that if him and the dogs would be hanging off a cliff and you could only choose one to save, that you would choose the dogs over him.
You need to let him know that you are responsible for them, even if the road gets a bit rocky. Maybe write him an email or a letter and explain it. Don't make accusations and tell him that he would have never asked you this if he truly loved you, etc. If he doesn't care about dogs the same you do, he won't understand, he'll only feel attacked. Maybe he said he understood, or thought he did, about your commitment to the dogs, but never imagined it would go this far. And this is his opportunity to realize and understand it. I can understand completely why you are so upset, but you shouldn't worry that we would bash him, hate him or scream for you to divorce.
And don't give up on the house hunt. Yes, a bunch of places didn't work out, but you also haven't looked for that long. Your husband has a job and you can afford to look at nice places to rent. In the meantime, you have a roof over your head and are not on the streets. I don't mean to minimize your problem, but whenever I feel like I have the worst luck and the world is against me (so to speak), I try to find some perspective to lift my mood.
((((HUGS))))
P.S.: I'll ask my mom if her office can give you some names, they routinely find rentals for employees in the NoVa area.
You need to let him know that you are responsible for them, even if the road gets a bit rocky. Maybe write him an email or a letter and explain it. Don't make accusations and tell him that he would have never asked you this if he truly loved you, etc. If he doesn't care about dogs the same you do, he won't understand, he'll only feel attacked. Maybe he said he understood, or thought he did, about your commitment to the dogs, but never imagined it would go this far. And this is his opportunity to realize and understand it. I can understand completely why you are so upset, but you shouldn't worry that we would bash him, hate him or scream for you to divorce.
And don't give up on the house hunt. Yes, a bunch of places didn't work out, but you also haven't looked for that long. Your husband has a job and you can afford to look at nice places to rent. In the meantime, you have a roof over your head and are not on the streets. I don't mean to minimize your problem, but whenever I feel like I have the worst luck and the world is against me (so to speak), I try to find some perspective to lift my mood.
((((HUGS))))
P.S.: I'll ask my mom if her office can give you some names, they routinely find rentals for employees in the NoVa area.
Thank you so much Jules. Your post really makes me feel a lot better. I think I am going to write him a letter. I may send it in the form of an email though since snail mail takes a few days. I am better at explaining how I feel in written form sometimes than I am in person so a lot of what I was telling him was that "you just don't understand" and "I can't answer that question".
I've only been looking for a place to live for roughly three weeks now so I know that's not much time at all. The right place will come around and in the meantime we are both in situations where we have roofs over our heads. We've handled a month apart, another few weeks to a month or even a little longer isn't going to kill us and if it takes a bit longer to find a place then I'm completely fine with that even though I do miss him a ton. I think in part he understands that we aren't necessarily going to find a place overnight, but at the same time he responds in a hopeless fashion when any place we inquire about falls through. I'll admit, I get disappointed too, but I go right back to searching and I've been making it a point to try and contact as many places as I can in a single day.
Plenty of people rent with multiple dogs. It's not impossible to find a place and I know plenty of people in NOVA that rent and own dogs. It just takes time. He's having a really difficult time living at his parents house right now and he's frustrated because his step-dad is giving him a really hard time because we haven't found a place yet. His step-dad was drilling him the other night wanting to know what kind of dogs we have. Josh explained that Bamm is mostly border collie but that his mom was a sheltie mix (probably some Akita). When asked about Cricket he told his step-dad that we don't know at all. His dad's response was, "Well you might want to find out and do a DNA test or something because a lot of places wont rent to people with certain breeds." I explained that the DNA tests are completely ludicrous and that it quite frankly really shouldn't matter what breeds she has in her. With Cricket... as much as I'd love to know what breeds she has mixed in... she could have nearly 20 breeds in her. We don't know and we'll never know. I can't tell you how many breeds I look at and say, "wow Cricket resembles them in this way or that way". His stepdad seems to think that if we don't find out what breeds they are exactly that we will run into a lot of problems finding a rental. I don't believe it'll be any harder than if we knew exactly what they are.
I've only been looking for a place to live for roughly three weeks now so I know that's not much time at all. The right place will come around and in the meantime we are both in situations where we have roofs over our heads. We've handled a month apart, another few weeks to a month or even a little longer isn't going to kill us and if it takes a bit longer to find a place then I'm completely fine with that even though I do miss him a ton. I think in part he understands that we aren't necessarily going to find a place overnight, but at the same time he responds in a hopeless fashion when any place we inquire about falls through. I'll admit, I get disappointed too, but I go right back to searching and I've been making it a point to try and contact as many places as I can in a single day.
Plenty of people rent with multiple dogs. It's not impossible to find a place and I know plenty of people in NOVA that rent and own dogs. It just takes time. He's having a really difficult time living at his parents house right now and he's frustrated because his step-dad is giving him a really hard time because we haven't found a place yet. His step-dad was drilling him the other night wanting to know what kind of dogs we have. Josh explained that Bamm is mostly border collie but that his mom was a sheltie mix (probably some Akita). When asked about Cricket he told his step-dad that we don't know at all. His dad's response was, "Well you might want to find out and do a DNA test or something because a lot of places wont rent to people with certain breeds." I explained that the DNA tests are completely ludicrous and that it quite frankly really shouldn't matter what breeds she has in her. With Cricket... as much as I'd love to know what breeds she has mixed in... she could have nearly 20 breeds in her. We don't know and we'll never know. I can't tell you how many breeds I look at and say, "wow Cricket resembles them in this way or that way". His stepdad seems to think that if we don't find out what breeds they are exactly that we will run into a lot of problems finding a rental. I don't believe it'll be any harder than if we knew exactly what they are.
*hugs*
That sounds really close to what Robert and I went through this past year. He decided to go to school in another city, and transfer work there instead of going somewhere local. I stayed with my mom and he lived in Seattle with my bro, and we only saw each other on weekends. That lasted for about a year. He's really not a dog person, like he still thinks dogs belong outside but puts up with mine being house dogs because he knows it's important to me. Near the end of that year he was freaking out and trying to make me give Kaia back to her breeder though. It really hurt, but at the same time he was really hurt and desperate and missing us. The dogs weren't even the issue, money was. I suspect that might be the real thing going on with Josh. He wants to find a fast way to "fix" what isn't the most ideal housing situation, and is desperate, the dogs are a highly visible obstacle to his goal so he made a desperate request.
Zoom's advice about calling places that don't say either way is good. We found our place by driving around Seattle and randomly checking out places with signs out front. Our current landlord met us and Strider and was fine with him. He didn't advertise either way about pets. I asked him about Kaia later and he was fine with her. The landlord really likes them now, partly because he was afraid they'd tear up the yard and we've done a lot of work on the yard so it looks awesome instead of overgrown.
That sounds really close to what Robert and I went through this past year. He decided to go to school in another city, and transfer work there instead of going somewhere local. I stayed with my mom and he lived in Seattle with my bro, and we only saw each other on weekends. That lasted for about a year. He's really not a dog person, like he still thinks dogs belong outside but puts up with mine being house dogs because he knows it's important to me. Near the end of that year he was freaking out and trying to make me give Kaia back to her breeder though. It really hurt, but at the same time he was really hurt and desperate and missing us. The dogs weren't even the issue, money was. I suspect that might be the real thing going on with Josh. He wants to find a fast way to "fix" what isn't the most ideal housing situation, and is desperate, the dogs are a highly visible obstacle to his goal so he made a desperate request.
Zoom's advice about calling places that don't say either way is good. We found our place by driving around Seattle and randomly checking out places with signs out front. Our current landlord met us and Strider and was fine with him. He didn't advertise either way about pets. I asked him about Kaia later and he was fine with her. The landlord really likes them now, partly because he was afraid they'd tear up the yard and we've done a lot of work on the yard so it looks awesome instead of overgrown.
Romy, the more I think about it the more I completely agree with you. I think you're right that it's not the dogs that are the issue, but money and him wanting desperately to find us a place as fast as possible. I'm standing my ground on this situation. I may have already mentioned this earlier in the thread, but let's say I did decide to give up the dogs. I actually googled and read a lot of yahoo responses to similar situations where people actually said there was something wrong with someone who'd choose the dog. So... let's say I made that choice. If I rehomed Bamm I'd be breaking my promise to him and I'd lose my best friend. If I rehomed Cricket I'd lose her companionship and all the dreams I had planned to do with her would be out the window. I sat down last night and thought about what it would be like for my life if I made that decision. All it made me feel was an emptiness inside. Just thinking about that option made me feel like a piece of my heart was quite literally being ripped from my chest and I just don't think I could literally live like that. I know that may sound extreme, but... it's how I feel. I tried to compare it to me asking him to get rid of his truck and all his tools. His tools are his trade and without them he wouldn't be able to function in a job... at least that's the way he feels about his tools. He would feel a complete loss. I know it's different with dogs as they are living animals, but I was pulling at strings in hopes that he might understand.
He hasn't mentioned anything about it today and he's being a little extra loving than he normally is. We'll see how it plays out.
He hasn't mentioned anything about it today and he's being a little extra loving than he normally is. We'll see how it plays out.
Actually, for someone who isn't a dog person comparing the dogs to tools makes perfect sense to them. I pointed out to Robert that if we got rid of the dogs, I'd end up needing frequent hospitalizations and expensive meds. That's not healthy, or very affordable. When you factor in $30-40 a month for dog food plus housing, dogs are a much more economical way of managing anxiety and other conditions. When I laid it out like that, he was able to see how the dogs benefit our family and how getting rid of them would have a negative impact on us. Some guys just need it laid out all logical-like. Especially when they're upset and letting their emotions drive what they're saying.
At first it really does seem simple to people. Your husband is a person who you love and made vows to, dogs are dogs.
and then you think about the ROOT of the issue, which I think renee put quite nicely.
It's that the person you LOVE and who loves you would ask and seriously let you give up something that you love THAT MUCH.
I don't know your husband, but I do think that you guys love each other very much.
and I think when it came down to it, he would not be able to LET you go through with giving up the dogs. Nobody would want to see the person they love in that much pain and KNOW that they are the reason, even if it was for a good reason.
and then you think about the ROOT of the issue, which I think renee put quite nicely.
It's that the person you LOVE and who loves you would ask and seriously let you give up something that you love THAT MUCH.
I don't know your husband, but I do think that you guys love each other very much.
and I think when it came down to it, he would not be able to LET you go through with giving up the dogs. Nobody would want to see the person they love in that much pain and KNOW that they are the reason, even if it was for a good reason.
It sounds like he's feeling hurt because it might seem to him that you ARE choosing the dogs over him because you could be up there with him now if it weren't for the dogs. Doesn't make it right to make you choose but I can see where he is coming from. It doesn't sound (from the sentence you posted) that he is actually asking you to choose him or the dogs but just asking you what you would do if you HAD to. it sounds like he's feeling really insecure because it seems like your dogs are more important than your marriage.
I think writing him a letter expressing how you feel is a good idea and then talk to each other about what you wrote. Get to the root of what is making him question your commitment to him vs your commitment to the dogs.
I think writing him a letter expressing how you feel is a good idea and then talk to each other about what you wrote. Get to the root of what is making him question your commitment to him vs your commitment to the dogs.
Fran you said this beautifully. Amber, keep your head up and try and keep positive something will work out in the end
Thats what I am trying to do. Tyler finishes school in less than a year and we will be moving although we just have Teagan and its a year away I still stress about finding a place to rent temp. that will allow her until we find a place to buy.
Tyler suggested if worse comes to worse we would have to leave her behind with my parents which my parents would love, but it just made me feel sick to think about it. Teagan is my whole world.
I also dont think Josh expects you to choose between him and the dogs. Like you said he knows what he got into when marrying you. The whole package Baby!! I just think he's lonely and he misses you. I will be keeping you two in my thoughts, and rooting for yah to find a place
Thats what I am trying to do. Tyler finishes school in less than a year and we will be moving although we just have Teagan and its a year away I still stress about finding a place to rent temp. that will allow her until we find a place to buy.
Tyler suggested if worse comes to worse we would have to leave her behind with my parents which my parents would love, but it just made me feel sick to think about it. Teagan is my whole world.
I also dont think Josh expects you to choose between him and the dogs. Like you said he knows what he got into when marrying you. The whole package Baby!! I just think he's lonely and he misses you. I will be keeping you two in my thoughts, and rooting for yah to find a place
This.
I can see things from both sides. I'm in the same spot as you. I would have so many options wide open for me if I didn't have dogs.
Anyone who truly knows and loves you would know that it's cruel to ask you to choose between the two things you care about the most.
I think Josh is just hurting and lonely, and I don't blame him for what he said, but I hope he realizes how unfair it is to ask you that question and expect an answer right away.
I can see things from both sides. I'm in the same spot as you. I would have so many options wide open for me if I didn't have dogs.
Anyone who truly knows and loves you would know that it's cruel to ask you to choose between the two things you care about the most.
I think Josh is just hurting and lonely, and I don't blame him for what he said, but I hope he realizes how unfair it is to ask you that question and expect an answer right away.