Do you want kids?
- Thread starter Fran101
- Start date
It's the teenager stuff that freaks me out ... Hey I watch Dr. Phil I have seen the teen horror stories about nightmare teenagers ... Some who even had great upbringings and great parents.
That and I love this body too much for it to be wrecked by pregnancy (that view is me about myself, I'm not insinuating that everyone's body gets wrecked lol) because my luck, I would be one of those women who can't quite lose the weight lol.
That and I love this body too much for it to be wrecked by pregnancy (that view is me about myself, I'm not insinuating that everyone's body gets wrecked lol) because my luck, I would be one of those women who can't quite lose the weight lol.
As for the sibling thing, I only have one "real" or "full" brother. Our biological dad was a bit of a *****, and my mom remarried twice - both times to men who had either step children or children of their own already. So there were ALWAYS a lot of kids in and out of our lives, but at the end of the day, it was just the two of us. And we didn't really suffer from it.
More than anything else, we suffered from my mom marching men/father figures in and out of our lives. There was always an excuse as to why THIS one was our "dad" and the last one wasn't, or why we couldn't see them anymore. All you learn from that is your mom SUCKS and people are disposable.
But then other people have no issues with that sorta thing. It is definitely individualistic.
More than anything else, we suffered from my mom marching men/father figures in and out of our lives. There was always an excuse as to why THIS one was our "dad" and the last one wasn't, or why we couldn't see them anymore. All you learn from that is your mom SUCKS and people are disposable.
But then other people have no issues with that sorta thing. It is definitely individualistic.
Of course. The studies I've read are all massive conglomerations of data. Individual families are individuals 
Studies were only on educational achievement, nothing on "tight knitness" of families (not sure how you'd measure that?) Clearly big families are often close! So are small ones! Nothing wrong with either, only saying that data supports the idea that siblings close in age tend to have (as a gross generalization), less academic achievement than their older siblings. Clearly if you're aware of it and make an effort to do the opposite, you can mitigate/avoid such outcomes! By and large, the population doesn't seem to do that though.
Well yes...I'm a math teacher
Studies were only on educational achievement, nothing on "tight knitness" of families (not sure how you'd measure that?) Clearly big families are often close! So are small ones! Nothing wrong with either, only saying that data supports the idea that siblings close in age tend to have (as a gross generalization), less academic achievement than their older siblings. Clearly if you're aware of it and make an effort to do the opposite, you can mitigate/avoid such outcomes! By and large, the population doesn't seem to do that though.
Well yes...I'm a math teacher
My bad... I didn't think I had to specify that there was no ONE MAGIC study on parenting. Yes, there are plenty of studies on parenting.... Many that cotradict another study on parenting. There is no ONE perfect study for parenting because there is no ONE child (or
One parent... Or one
Family unit) that fits each study. You can read every study there is and you may have the child that defies all of them.
Children are individuals... I stand by my statement that there is no study for how
To parent every child
One parent... Or one
Family unit) that fits each study. You can read every study there is and you may have the child that defies all of them.
Children are individuals... I stand by my statement that there is no study for how
To parent every child
I have two younger brothers (7 and 13) and I really think the age difference sucks. I live an hour away and don't get to see them very often. They also take a lot of time away from my mother and I's relationship. I love my brothers but I'm not sure 8 and 14 years difference is the best.
I didn't along with my oldest brother (the middle child). He got a lot of attention because of his issues and I resented him. We've overcome that now, but it still happened.
I agree with Cali. There's already so many expenses.
I didn't along with my oldest brother (the middle child). He got a lot of attention because of his issues and I resented him. We've overcome that now, but it still happened.
I agree with Cali. There's already so many expenses.
I will say this about my siblings. There have been times in our lives that we were close... Usually at individual times, not so much as a GROUP. We are all half siblings and 8 + years apart either way.
My sister... No one gets along with her. She is such a difficult
Person who lives in her own version
Of reality. Pathological liar really and a drama llama BUT we had our times when we were close (I looked up to her) until she would have one
Of her episodes and go absolutely crazy on us.
My one older brother ... When he was married, we were
Close. I love his kids and his wife was awesome but he is a very selfish and irresponsible man. He is also inflammatory just for the sake
Of being inflammatory.
My other older brother... I have no problems with and we definitely love each other and had our moments of closeness. But he has a lot of family drama going on and we rarely see each other and he works a lot and has a wicked commute so we just don't talk. He doesn't really talk to anyone... Not even our mom for months on end.
My youngest brother is the one I have always been
Closest to. We were very close growing up but never lived together. I wish we stayed in closer contact now but we are in bery different places in life. He just graduated from university and is starting a life on his own and a career. He recently came for a visit for the first time and it was the first time i had seen him in two years. It was wonderful. We laughed so much about old times and really had a blast when he was here. But now we are back to the daily grind and mostly just a HEY on facebook.
My sister... No one gets along with her. She is such a difficult
Person who lives in her own version
Of reality. Pathological liar really and a drama llama BUT we had our times when we were close (I looked up to her) until she would have one
Of her episodes and go absolutely crazy on us.
My one older brother ... When he was married, we were
Close. I love his kids and his wife was awesome but he is a very selfish and irresponsible man. He is also inflammatory just for the sake
Of being inflammatory.
My other older brother... I have no problems with and we definitely love each other and had our moments of closeness. But he has a lot of family drama going on and we rarely see each other and he works a lot and has a wicked commute so we just don't talk. He doesn't really talk to anyone... Not even our mom for months on end.
My youngest brother is the one I have always been
Closest to. We were very close growing up but never lived together. I wish we stayed in closer contact now but we are in bery different places in life. He just graduated from university and is starting a life on his own and a career. He recently came for a visit for the first time and it was the first time i had seen him in two years. It was wonderful. We laughed so much about old times and really had a blast when he was here. But now we are back to the daily grind and mostly just a HEY on facebook.
Well... I kind of disagree. RELYING on studies to parent can be a problem. Eventually your child is going to show that they are an individual and there is a LOT of "parenting on the fly" especially as kids get older. They aren't always going to respond, react or learn the way we think they should and there isn't always going to be a study or a mathematical equation for how to handle that. Even "professionals" haven't perfected child rearing and how to handle every child and possible issues.
For example... we homeschool. There are TONS of studies that homeschooling is better than public schooling (if it's done correctly) but there are also tons of studies that it's not always a good thing ... since children are individuals there is no one quick fix. We have chosen to homeschool Hannah but I have to remain open to the fact that this may not always be the best course of action for her. I've learned this through befriending and observing families in our homeschool co op. Many are "blended" families of kids that are homeschooled and kids that go to public school or private school. Some have kids that have been homeschooled their entire lives and have then chosen to attend public high school. These families roll with the punches and sometimes use their instincts or their child's instincts when it comes to their education and other aspects.
Studies are great... unless they are taken too literally. So it may not have been what you read into what I said but what I'm saying is there is no magical equation for parenting. There is so much shaming in the parenting world for how we feed our children, teach our children, put our children to sleep, discipline our children.... etc, mostly based on studies. We can't rely solely on the experiences or "studies" of someone else's child. We need to let our children be individuals... even if that means they aren't educationally stellar.
For example... we homeschool. There are TONS of studies that homeschooling is better than public schooling (if it's done correctly) but there are also tons of studies that it's not always a good thing ... since children are individuals there is no one quick fix. We have chosen to homeschool Hannah but I have to remain open to the fact that this may not always be the best course of action for her. I've learned this through befriending and observing families in our homeschool co op. Many are "blended" families of kids that are homeschooled and kids that go to public school or private school. Some have kids that have been homeschooled their entire lives and have then chosen to attend public high school. These families roll with the punches and sometimes use their instincts or their child's instincts when it comes to their education and other aspects.
Studies are great... unless they are taken too literally. So it may not have been what you read into what I said but what I'm saying is there is no magical equation for parenting. There is so much shaming in the parenting world for how we feed our children, teach our children, put our children to sleep, discipline our children.... etc, mostly based on studies. We can't rely solely on the experiences or "studies" of someone else's child. We need to let our children be individuals... even if that means they aren't educationally stellar.
So don't criticize someone else's research and reading of studies on parenting. It's a valid way to prepare and to plan, and a heck of a lot better than what most people do. Once Cali has her baby she will be doing a lot of parenting on the fly, but making generalizations and plans based on statistical likelihoods really isn't a bad way to look at things.
I like studies They often are very important and don't have to be about shaming if you go against the suggestions. When you know better, you do better. And yes, no one is the same and everyone has to pick their battles and what works for them BUT, IMO its very important to know the WHY. WHY certain things are suggested or not, why certain studies show things going one way or the other, etc. There are many things that DO have the potential to cause harm that are just NOT necessary regardless of the child or family.
The education one, yes, technically you are going to have less money for the second or if you have more than one...but that is dependent on so many things. Like for my family, I was the oldest and got a full scholarship...so more money for my brother My DHs family all 5 kids have great educations but they worked their way through college.
IMO, yes, parenting is something you can not ever truly prepare for but it certainly can ease anxiety by studying and planning for the types that are comforted by that. The important thing all parents have to learn is to let go of control though and not to set concrete things.
They often are very important and don't have to be about shaming if you go against the suggestions. When you know better, you do better. And yes, no one is the same and everyone has to pick their battles and what works for them BUT, IMO its very important to know the WHY. WHY certain things are suggested or not, why certain studies show things going one way or the other, etc. There are many things that DO have the potential to cause harm that are just NOT necessary regardless of the child or family.The education one, yes, technically you are going to have less money for the second or if you have more than one...but that is dependent on so many things. Like for my family, I was the oldest and got a full scholarship...so more money for my brother
My DHs family all 5 kids have great educations but they worked their way through college. IMO, yes, parenting is something you can not ever truly prepare for but it certainly can ease anxiety by studying and planning for the types that are comforted by that. The important thing all parents have to learn is to let go of control though and not to set concrete things.
As someone whose job it is to carry out parenting assessments, I can say there are studies on child development, and lots of them!! There's also studies on adults and impacts of different factors on parenting and child development.
In fact, every day there is more and more scientific evidence about parenting and outcomes for children. And I'm talking on MANY levels. On a cellular level to a psychological level.
I can look at adult behaviour and can almost pinpoint the kind of parenting they have received. Its waaaaay more predictable than you'd like to think. We love to think we are random creatures but we aren't.
I think the issue is, and what I was saying in response to cali is there is no ONE FACTOR that determines outcomes, and humans aren't robots. And we have the ability to change. So there's no mathematical equation to it, you have to look holistically at the family and their history, culture, environment, aspirations etc.
But from that, and watching them and their responses to their kids you can make predictions.
In fact, every day there is more and more scientific evidence about parenting and outcomes for children. And I'm talking on MANY levels. On a cellular level to a psychological level.
I can look at adult behaviour and can almost pinpoint the kind of parenting they have received. Its waaaaay more predictable than you'd like to think. We love to think we are random creatures but we aren't.
I think the issue is, and what I was saying in response to cali is there is no ONE FACTOR that determines outcomes, and humans aren't robots. And we have the ability to change. So there's no mathematical equation to it, you have to look holistically at the family and their history, culture, environment, aspirations etc.
But from that, and watching them and their responses to their kids you can make predictions.
I'm my biological parent's only child, but my mom remarried when I was young and I have 2 older step brothers. My parents weren't wealthy-my mom is a teacher and my step dad is a maintanance planner a utility plant-but they were smart with their money. My parents paid for my college 100% as long as it was an in state public university. One of my step brothers went to a private college but he did so with the help of a basketball scholarship--I don't thnk it was a full ride though. My oldest step brother is a career Army guy, but they were prepared to pay for his school as well if he had wanted college. All this without my dad paying much in the way of child support and my stepdad paying child support to his ex. It can be done, but it takes careful planning. My mom's parents had four kids (and my grandma never worked outside the home), and all four kids went to college and they paid for all of their undergraduate degrees. Two went onto masters degrees and one is a doctor. There are 8 kids in DH's family and it is a mixed bag as far as birth order and education. There are 8 kids in my stepdads family and all but my stepdad finished college and are teachers, engineers, nurses, etc. When I think of my cousins, in one family the older child is more educated, in another the younger child is more educated, and in the third the middle child is more educated.
These studies look at broader trends, but don't really account for factors like parental commitment to education, the individual personalities if the kids, etc.
While I don't thnk there is anything wrong with looking at studies, I tend to take studies (especially those whose subjects are living things) with a grain of salt.
These studies look at broader trends, but don't really account for factors like parental commitment to education, the individual personalities if the kids, etc.
While I don't thnk there is anything wrong with looking at studies, I tend to take studies (especially those whose subjects are living things) with a grain of salt.
One of my friends moms, who I grew up with as a next door neighbor was sooo crazy about these studies and reading books on parenting all the time. Every time I was in their house, she was reading stuff. She was obsessed (and kind of a weirdo anyway). Little did she know her daughter was skipping school and getting high all the time Now she dropped out of college and STILL gets high all the time, and it's about all she worries about. They have another daughter who became an engineer and is doing very well for herself. Eh, it's always kind of a crapshoot... lol.
Now she dropped out of college and STILL gets high all the time, and it's about all she worries about. They have another daughter who became an engineer and is doing very well for herself. Eh, it's always kind of a crapshoot... lol.