Bipolar...

boneyjean

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#21
I agree with the meeting with a counselor. And even if he won't go, you should go yourself. It will make a world of difference for you in how to process and handle his behavior.

I am only going to throw this out there because it happened to me and I NEVER saw it coming. And I thought for years that my husband was either bipolar or had a major personality disorder because of his extreme mood swings and they way he treated me sometimes.

Is there ANY way he might have a drug problem/substance abuse problem he is keeping from you? My husband and I were living together for almost 6 years before we got married. I dealt with a lot of the same behaviors, as well as his extreme paranoia to the point of rediculousness. One week, yes, one week after we got home from our honeymoon, it all came to head and he went to rehab. I never saw it coming. I felt lied to, cheated on, and didn't trust him at all. It took some time for us to recover from it, and a lot of counseling for me, but we are still together, and happier than ever. And yes, I trust him again with all of my heart.

In the end, when some of my close friends and family members found out, they said they suspected it too. I grew up in a family with so much alcohol abuse and so much dysfunction that I think I was in denial about it because looking back, all the signs were there and it could have been really obvious to me. Hindsight is always clearer. I only had one friend who ever said something to me and it was a few days before he went into rehab. Of course when she asked me, I said there was no way. And I honestly thought our life was somewhat normal because it wasn't much different than my life growing up with an alcoholic father. I didn't know any other normal really.

I still didn't even know about the drugs until a few days after he was in rehab and he basically came clean to me and his dad. He was always scared I would leave him because I had no tolerance for it. But I stood by his side for as long as he showed me he was working to get better. We just celebrated 12 years together last month!
 

Doberluv

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#22
I was involved (I almost said "in a relationship" There is no relationship possible with the kind of person I was involved with) with a man who had narcissistic personality disorder. And it's similar to bi-polar, I'd say. But it is very extreme and supremely weird. It took me 6 months of incessant studying to even half-way wrap my head around what this mental illness (it's not actually illness. It's a personality disorder) was about.

These kinds of things are so devastatingly destructive that if there is no cooperation on Josh's part...if he doesn't change his tune about admitting he has a problem and getting help, you aren't obligated to stay in this marriage. You can give it all you've got and you will be beaten down until you no longer can think for yourself. Your whole existence becomes nothing but a constant effort to appease him. And still....that doesn't work.

My SIL is married to my ex's brother. That guy makes my ex look like a saint. He is so cruel and messed up and she's stuck with it for years....something like 30 years. He's mistreated the children who are now grown and have some pathetic issues. When my daughter was visiting the kids, her cousins in another state, this aunt drank every night and sobbed down in the basement. And as far as I know, she still does. She's miserable.

When they visited his brother, my ex, here...we all went out for dinner. I'm now friends with my ex, but divorced because things weren't going to change for me and I was unhappy in that unworkable relationship. But being friends works fine. Anyhow, I think she was trying to make herself feel better by making me feel like a loser for getting divorced and she said, "For better or worse." (in a kind of smug, holier than thou tone) It was as if she were going to stick to those vows no matter what kind of abuse she took and that made her admirable and several notches above "weak" hearted me. I tell you what. Although going through that divorce was not a picnic, it was the best thing I ever did for myself AND my kids. And now we're pals again, just don't have to live with him, be mistreated or be controlled in any way by another person. His mistreatment of me was mild compared to a lot of people and especially compared to his brother who's a real a$$... Verbally and emotionally abusive to the hilt. My ex wasn't like that.

Anyhow, something else I hesitated to bring up because it probably isn't my place, but I can't get it out of my mind. Some of these more severe mental illnesses are genetic, I think. Dizzy probably knows better. And that would concern me if I thought it could be passed on to any children. They'd have to live with that themselves and it can't be any fun at all.

So, it is possible that things could change if he is interested in seeing them change....if he really loves and values YOU and his relationship with you, he'll be all over it for help in the not too distant future. If there is no sign of progress toward change, you can not allow your entire life to be destroyed no matter what. It's self preservation. It's sadder than hell when you think one thing is going to be and it doesn't wind up that way. I'm beyond sorry that you're going through this but now it's time to take the reins in both hands and set out some kind of systematic plan for your future that includes peace and happiness.
 

boneyjean

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#23
Touching a little more on what some others have said, no matter what his reason for his behavior is, he is being emotionally abusive and it can have long damaging affects. At some point you have to ask yourself, no matter how much you may love him, is it really worth it to you to continue to live this way? If he doesn't want to do anything to change the behavior, then the only way things will change is if you make changes. And that might include leaving him, even if just temporary, to put some space between you so you can talk about the issues without him feeling like he can control you.
 

Romy

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#24
Echoing what everyone else said, but Skittle think for a minute.

Does Josh treat you like this when other people are around? If your friends or family was right there, would he stand there and yell at angrily about you taking a cab with YOUR money?

Is he sweet and relatively well adjusted when people come over, only to get all snarly and jerkish as soon as they leave?

If so, mental illness or no, he is choosing to abuse you. If he can stop himself long enough to not look like an abusive jerkface in person when other people are around, he understands that what he's doing is wrong and he's doing it deliberately.
 

sparks19

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#25
Someone brought it up in another thread of mine and it might be a good idea here too... or it could go the opposite way. If it gets to your breaking point... maybe take some recordings of him when he does these things and at a later time when he is in an upswing mood, play it back for him to hear. Or if it gets the point where you need to leave for a while I'd leave it behind for him to listen to on his own and let him know that you will not... CANNOT come back until he realizes what he is doing to you. If he was willing to work on it that is one thing but his refusal to admit that he is doing anything wrong is a problem.

In fact... this sounds SO much like an old relationship I was in for almost 4 years. He couldn't/wouldn't hold a job. I was the one bringing in the money and he told me how I could and could not spend it and a lot of times he would simply TAKE my money from me and not even tell me until I got to work and realized I had no cash and no bank card because he took them and used the money to buy cigarrettes, beer, pot... whatever. he would wake me up in the middle of the night JUST to start fights with me knowing I had to be up for work at 5 am. He kept me exhausted, defeated and on the defensive and then he would play the victim so then I felt guilty. I'd never been so low and unhappy in all my life. Everyone could see it. I couldn't/wouldn't hang out with anyone. I was an empty shell just maintaining, not living.

He was incapable of admitting he had a problem. It was near the end that I found God. I never felt more defeated, lost, confused, low, downright depressed. I was spending a lot of time in my room, alone, in the dark. I hit rock bottom. I'd never reached out to God before, didn't even know how but there in the dark at the end of my rope I cried out for Him. I can't explain what happened during those times but I felt a strength I had long forgotten, a safeness and warmth and dare I say... a glimmer of happiness. it was then and only then that I found the strength to realize that I did NOT deserve this, that he was NOT going to change for me and realized what I had become. I was finally strong enough to do what needed to be done. I had to leave him. He was not going to change and was only getting worse and as long as I stuck around he wasn't going to learn anything and he wasn't going to address his behaviour because he had me for a proverbial punching bag. He was terrible for me and I was terrible for him... I enabled him. I wasn't doing him any favors by staying and I certainly wasn't doing myself any favors by staying

I'm not saying you have to leave or anything... only you will know what is right for you. Just sharing my personal experience with such a situation. After years of putting up with it and enabling his behaviour I finally realized I WAS WORTH MORE! I did NOT DESERVE to be treated that way and it was NOT MY FAULT that he had a tough upbringing. he didn't want to change, not for me, not for himself... so that sealed the deal. he felt totally justified in his behaviour, he believed that I deserved the treatment he gave me.
 

Baxter'smybaby

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#26
Definitely keep your appointment with the counselor--for your own health and well being, as well as to have someone to guide you through this challenge. No one can know what course of action you should take--that is yours to decide. But know this, YOU are worth taking care of--YOU deserve to be treated with respect, YOU are responsible for yourself--and what you will or will not allow in your relationship.
My PM box is always available--((HUGS)) and remember to take care of you, as well as wanting to take care of Josh/this marriage.
 
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#29
Echoing what everyone else said, but Skittle think for a minute.

Does Josh treat you like this when other people are around? If your friends or family was right there, would he stand there and yell at angrily about you taking a cab with YOUR money?

Is he sweet and relatively well adjusted when people come over, only to get all snarly and jerkish as soon as they leave?

If so, mental illness or no, he is choosing to abuse you. If he can stop himself long enough to not look like an abusive jerkface in person when other people are around, he understands that what he's doing is wrong and he's doing it deliberately.
This SO bears repeating.
 

Doberluv

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#30
Originally Posted by Romy
Echoing what everyone else said, but Skittle think for a minute.

Does Josh treat you like this when other people are around? If your friends or family was right there, would he stand there and yell at angrily about you taking a cab with YOUR money?

Is he sweet and relatively well adjusted when people come over, only to get all snarly and jerkish as soon as they leave?

If so, mental illness or no, he is choosing to abuse you. If he can stop himself long enough to not look like an abusive jerkface in person when other people are around, he understands that what he's doing is wrong and he's doing it deliberately.
This SO bears repeating.
That would indicate to me, that the person is a sane person who has the ability to control his behavior. And that would be a jerk. BUT...the thing is...a person with a mental illness or personality disorder can be every bit and more destructive and abusive without intending to. The result is the same. The morality of it, whether he knows it is wrong still doesn't change the outcome for the partner. And I don't know that the prognosis for improvement is enhanced by the self-awareness of the person who is mistreating the other.

When I ended it with the person I was with who was personality disordered, I was angry and resentful as hell. But in time, I came to realize that he couldn't help himself in almost all ways. (In some ways, he could have.) It was in every thread of his fabric that he was the way he was. It was pathetic really. But I think it's neither here nor there whether it's unintentional or controllable. Either way, these abusive people are equally damaging to their partner and in many cases, other people. In other words, if he can make a distinction and can regulate his behavior, or... if he can not, it's no more or less damaging. Whether he chooses to be abusive or it's something inherent in him, the person on the receiving end is still apt to be robbed of the happiness one deserves, unless something can be changed.
 
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#31
If I am remembering right, he is not working right now, correct? In addition to any mental illness that may be present, I wonder if he is carrying around a lot of feeling like a failure. A lot of men tie up their personal identity in being the provider/breadwinner and it is hard for them to be supported by their wives. He may be harboring some resentment over being a "kept man" and that's creating at least some of this hostility.

I am NOT excusing his behavior, just suggesting an avenue for him to explore. Regardless of his underlying feelings or mental illness, he does NOT have an excuse or a right to treat you this way. There are healthy, adult ways to deal with such feelings and unhealthy, immature ways to deal with them - and lashing out at other people when you are frustrated is a very unhealthy and unacceptable way. I agree with everyone who is calling this emotional abuse.

I hope you can convince him to join you in counseling. If he doesn't explore the possibility of mental illness and learn better ways to deal with his negative feelings, this will affect your marriage forever. He will probably struggle with it his whole life even if he does get some help, but there's no reason you have to accept that "this is just the way he is" when the way he is hurts you and he refuses to change it.
 

Sweet72947

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#32
Does Josh treat you like this when other people are around?
Having been around the both of them several times, I can say that, while its probably a lot worse when they are alone, you can still see. And it makes me sad.
 

puppydog

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#33
As a survivor of an abusive relationship, all I can say is, you have loads of soul searching to do. Loads.
 
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#34
My husband is bipolar so I know how you feel. It's sometimes exhausting to see your spouse go through so many mood swings. I've been lucky in that my husband recognizes he has a problem and tries to control himself. He just gets quiet, but that in and of itself is bothersome.

I've wrote about how to support a bipolar spouse on my blog. It's worth a read. Perhaps something I've written will help you.

Living With a Bipolar Spouse

Bottom line is this. He needs professional help. Encourage him to seek out a Psychiatrist. A normal doctor or general therapist is not qualified to treat bipolar disorder.

If he won't do that, then you have to start thinking about your own health and whether you want to stay or leave.

Your welcome to PM me if you like. I'm normally online.

What do you do if you are married to someone that you suspect might be bipolar?

I seriously think Josh is bipolar. His mom thinks he is... My aunt thinks he is and she is married to a bipolar man. A couple of his friends have also mentioned they think he is.

He is beyond emotional and whatever he is feeling becomes magnified. When he is upset its really bad. He will drink and he is hateful about everyone and everything. He goes to extremes always. For example. If I get a paycheck that is less than we expected he starts raging about "well then you can't drive your car at all and we can't pay this bill and you might have to get rid of the dogs and we are never going to have the life you want etc etc."

Living with him is exhausting. It's gotten much worse the past year. I love him, but most days I can't stand to be anywhere near him. Dealing with his moods has pushed me into depression myself and my anxiety issues are through the roof to the point where I'm making myself sick.

His mood swings change really fast. He can go from flipping out to joking around in a single moment.

Whenever we fight he always tells me i should leave him and find some rich guy who can take care of me... Wtf???

I don't get him half the time. I'm also sick of being deprioritized by him. He always puts his own wants and needs before me. I don't mind him thinking about himself sometimes obviously... But when its always about him... It just gets old.

Also... Anything that ever happens is never his fault.... According to him. He always blames everyone else.

I dunno... I just really think he is bipolar and I have no clue how to confront it or if I even should. I know I can't force him to seek help. He won't go see a dr and he says he refuses to talk to a therapist about his problems. How do I as a wife live with someone like this? I know people make these marriages work... But I just don't see how it could work if he isn't willing to get help.

I'm meeting with a marriage counselor next week. Josh doesn't even know I'm doing so. He wouldn't understand my reasonings if I tried to tell him to be honest. Are there support groups for people who know or suspect their spouse might be bipolar? How do you eventually convince someone to see a Dr.
 

Laurelin

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#35
Amber, I just want to say that I'm really really worried about you. I don't have so much experience as some of the other posters but I really am struck with most your posts that there is something very wrong going on. It is not fair to you to have to deal with tis crap. I know we only get bits and pieces through what you post here but it just doesn't seem like a normal and healthy relationship.

I'll be praying for you and if you need anything, let me know.
 

skittledoo

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#36
First off... You guys are amazing. I can't tell you how hard it is for me to post stuff like this about my own husband because I do honestly love him and don't like talking about him in a negative light, but actually writing some of the stuff down and reading your responses its actually comforting to know that I have people I can lean on since in the real world I spend a lot of time feeling lonely if I'm not at work. I'm not sure if anyone noticed but I used to post a TON on here... Over time I've started posting less and less. I still read a lot of the threads, but I've pulled away a lot in actually contributing a lot to conversationd on the forum. A lot of it is because I've been so down a lot and I don't want to come across as woe is me in my posts...

My animals are what seriously keep me going, my dogs especially. Working with them is the only thing that really keeps me sane it seems.

I think the hardest part for me is that I just want to know if he acts this way deliberately to hurt me or if he even realizes he is doing it half the time. He has never physically laid a hand on me. It's always verbally putting me down. I can't remember if I mentioned this on this thread or not, but he puts down my job a lot. I work in a dog daycare/boarding/training facility. He says its a little part timer job that a highschool kid could do and that my job is cake. My job is anything but cake. I think anyone who has worked at a dog daycare/boarding place would agree with me that its hard work. I sweat my ass off everyday. When we do dog walks I'm walking 4-6 dogs at a time and at most I had to walk 9 smaller dogs at once during our busy season. You have to know and understand dog behavior to be able to manage large groups of dogs in a smaller environment. There is so much more to my job than I think he realizes and I work hard so to have him belittle my job and tell me I make **** and that my work is cake is beyond insulting.

He acts like he loves my dogs most of the time and he seems to constantly ask me if Bamm is bonding with him... He tries really hard to obtain Bamm's affection. Bamm is naturally more bonded to me and it took Bamm a while to seriously come around to Josh. Cricket loves Josh... But she loves most people. The thing that bothers me about the dogs is that whenever we get into big fights he will bring up the dogs and how it bothers him that if we were ever in a bind that I wouldn't make the sacrifice of rehoming the dogs to make things easier for us. I don't think he gets it. These dogs are such a huge part of me. If he ever "made" me rehome them I would hate and resent him the rest of my life and probably leave him. Rehoming them is just not an option and while he isn't asking me to rehome them I don't understand why he brings it up. I do think it bothers him that I'm more affectionate with them than I am with him though. Funny enough, he too is more affectionate with the dogs than he is with me.

I don't think he has called me beautiful once since we have been married. He hasn't said I love you in well over a month. He isn't comforting to me at all. I could be crying about something and he just ignores it or asks me what's wrong and then says oh and leaves the room. We didn't have sex until recently for well over a month. I feel like thats a long time for a married couple that sleeps in the same bed to go without intimacy. It bothers me so much that we don't do dates. We don't cuddle. He doesn't hold my hand unless I initiate it. I feel like he is repulsed by me and unattracted to me. I have gained weight. I've gained quite a bit. I tend to gain weight when I'm stressed out even if I eat healthy and eat the right proportions.

The job thing... He does side work to help out, but whether or not he is going to have side work from one week to the next is not a guarantee. I know he is really stressed about that, especially since he has that "man of the household, bread winner" mentality, but on days when he has no work he stays home and mostly just watches movies on TV instead of look for a job. Our lease is up end of July and majority of places out here require proof of income to rent. He has no proof of income really since he has no paystubs since its side work and he isn't recording his side jobs with the IRS and paying taxes on them. That is another thing that bothers me and I'm so stressed out about our lease being almost up with no ducks in a row yet as to where we are going to go etc. Regardless he still argues with me that he does everything even though I work and I've been trying to help more with doing dinner, laundry etc. It's like no matter what I try to do to help out he still thinks he does everything and makes me out to feel like im a lazy ass.

On the kids front... I really really want kids... But right now I'm seriously pulling away from that idea a bit... Especially right now. I've been looking online at different birth control methods even though I'm strongly opposed to taking birth control for my own personal reasons outside of anything kid related. I'm looking into BC options though.

I'll respond to more stuff... Just need to go through all the posts in this thread to make sure I'm responding to questions asked etc... Also have a few PMs to respond to.... PMs that really touched my heart.
 

Laurelin

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#38
Oh Amber, I wish I could offer more than just hugs and prayers but I am no good with this kind of stuff. But you can have as many BIG ((((Hugs)))) and prayers as you need. You deserve to be happy.
 

Doberluv

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#39
This is going to hurt Amber. But, reading this and your other threads, I'm hesitant to say, but I feel like I have to speak the truth as I see it. Then you can always weigh and measure and mull everyone's responses and your own insight. But I have to say, that he is too needy to be able to love anyone. It's not you. It would be anyone. I'm afraid that your story is so like mine when I was with that guy I mentioned...not my ex, but a b.f. And you can love them so much, give your all, which is never enough because they're insatiable. All the relationship is, is two railroad ties running parallel to each other. There's never a meeting or connection. As much as you see a glimmer here and a spark there, it's most certainly all about him, how everything affects him and his extraordinary neediness. Everything you describe tells me he's unable to really love and cherish you, as you most certainly deserve. I may sound like the voice of doom and I should not dash your hopes. But I must be honest with my feelings and thoughts because to be otherwise, would be a disservice I think.

It is true that I do not know him. All I am going by is what you've written. And that is certainly not the whole picture, I'm sure. So, forgive me if I'm off base. Really...only you, a counselor, and Josh can really know. It may take some time to think and get that support. But all I know for sure is...you deserve to be cherished. And that's what a marriage is suppose to be about. I will continue my care and concern for you and your future happiness.
 
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#40
After reading you recent post, UGH.

I didn't have to deal with any of that. I don't think I could!!

I don't know what to say, but if you need to chat, I'm around all the time. lol
 

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