Bipolar...
- Thread starter skittledoo
- Start date
Amber, I just wanted to say your ability to look inside yourself and analyze your motives and actions is commendable. It takes a lot of self-awareness to be able to identify those things, and you should be proud of yourself for figuring it out. It's going to make it easier to identify good choices moving forward.
I hope Friday comes quickly so you can talk to a professional about it all.
I hope Friday comes quickly so you can talk to a professional about it all.
have to agree. I applaud you for looking at yourself, trying to determine what you can do to make this better for yourself. It is hard--self examination. Hard to figure out your own issues, and how they move us along a path. You have found a crossroad--your path is now your choice.
I am hoping your counsellor will be really helpful to you.
I am hoping your counsellor will be really helpful to you.
*This is just my thoughts and opinions*
I don't understand why people are hesitant about ending relationships that are falling apart. I would immediately end my relationship with my SO, if my SO was being abusive, had a mental illness and was refusing to get help. If I was married, I would be getting the divorce paperwork. I wouldn't bother with marriage counseling. My sanity and happiness would be more important than how much I loved her.
I don't understand why people are hesitant about ending relationships that are falling apart. I would immediately end my relationship with my SO, if my SO was being abusive, had a mental illness and was refusing to get help. If I was married, I would be getting the divorce paperwork. I wouldn't bother with marriage counseling. My sanity and happiness would be more important than how much I loved her.
okay had to address this ,
are you married?
i feel that yes your happiness is important , but if you get married it is supposed to be in sickness and in health , not just when ya happy.
now from what i am reading i think josh may have some mental problems coupled with some maturity issues.
so defiantly not something to just say 'ow well i am sad i am leaving"
if he is truely mentally ill she can look into having him commited , or if he is just an ass she can leave him , but there has to be a reason for all this. once she finds the reason she can decided from there.
i keep saying she like i have any say or should be listened to , i mean it is what i would do if in her situation.
would you leave if your SO had cancer and you was unhappy about that?
are you married?
i feel that yes your happiness is important , but if you get married it is supposed to be in sickness and in health , not just when ya happy.
now from what i am reading i think josh may have some mental problems coupled with some maturity issues.
so defiantly not something to just say 'ow well i am sad i am leaving"
if he is truely mentally ill she can look into having him commited , or if he is just an ass she can leave him , but there has to be a reason for all this. once she finds the reason she can decided from there.
i keep saying she like i have any say or should be listened to , i mean it is what i would do if in her situation.
would you leave if your SO had cancer and you was unhappy about that?
First off, I do agree with Bogart's above post. I think Amber is being extraordinarily mature and patient in wanting to work through this with her husband if she can. That said... He has to give enough of a flying **** to MAN THE HELL UP and acknowledge that the way he's been acting is not normal and not acceptable.
I've been in the similar shoes as Josh, with the mental/emotional instability, and I will tell you that there's going to be a bit of denial going on before he acknowledges that he actually IS hurting you as much as it seems. He might think he's behaving totally normally and god I wish I could tell you the best way to approach him about it, but I honestly don't know.
Amber my heart breaks for you, I hate that you're so miserable.
You're in my thoughts and prayers, and I really do hope that you are able to either find happiness in your marriage or to have the strength to walk away from something toxic to you. ((((((((HUGS))))))))))))
I've been in the similar shoes as Josh, with the mental/emotional instability, and I will tell you that there's going to be a bit of denial going on before he acknowledges that he actually IS hurting you as much as it seems. He might think he's behaving totally normally and god I wish I could tell you the best way to approach him about it, but I honestly don't know.
Amber my heart breaks for you, I hate that you're so miserable.
You're in my thoughts and prayers, and I really do hope that you are able to either find happiness in your marriage or to have the strength to walk away from something toxic to you. ((((((((HUGS))))))))))))
Oh, Amber. (((((((HUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGS))))))
I'll be praying for you and for Josh as well.
As for the bipolar discussion, my oldest brother is bipolar. I'm not even sure I have enough time to say what over 30 years of being his sister has been like-definitely a roller coaster for sure. When he's up, he's the most sensitive, caring, and good-hearted person you'll ever know. But then life gets boring. Everything has been going well for 2-3 weeks, but now it's mundane. He starts seeking stimulation. He wants activity, wants excitment, wants...something different. It's like being on a roller coaster that's going flat and smoothly than suddenly you get to that big hill and the chain starts slowly taking you up, up, up, and up. Then you get to the top, and for a moment, the fear and the excitment and the adrenaline rush join together to create an awesome moment where you think "this is the best!". And then you fall. The fall is swift and unraveling.
I love my brother dearly, and it pains me to not have a relationship with him anymore, but I just couldn't do it. We still see each other at times, but I had to step back from the line because he would never meet me there. We're siblings, so that's a very different relationship than that of spouses, but I still understand watching someone you love literally self-destruct right before your eyes. My brother will not take any medications, and he has a drug habit that I refuse to be anywhere near.
I also had a close friend with the disorder. We both moved away form the city we lived in, but we were real close for 2 years. When P was on her medication, while she was quick-tempered, she was so selfless and caring and involved. When she went off her medication, usually because she though she had everything under control and she could handle herself without her meds, she was a completely different person. I stood by her, and I still walked across the street to visit with her. But she was constantly agitated, seemed pissed off at everyone, took out her emotions on everyone else, and was pretty self-destructive.
I agree that having a disorder or disease is not an excuse, but IMPO, until you've actually had a close relationship with someone suffering (yes, suffering) from such a condition, and you are well-educated on the condition, then I think you owe it to yourself as well as your loved one to try and work things out.
If I could find a way to put my brother's MRI results on the computer/form, I would (I have the disk of them). His brain does not function like our normal one's do. I know for a cold, hard fact that my brother wishes he did not have the disorder, and I know he wants to be "normal", but you can't just make it go away. To top it off, he's diagnosed as ADHD/Bipolar (for those that don't know, true ADD and ADHD are almost always accompanied by a secondary disorder).
I hate watching him struggle. But I have my own anxiety and depression problems, and now I'm a wife and mother, and I have to put my family first.
(((((((HUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGS))))))I'll be praying for you and for Josh as well.
As for the bipolar discussion, my oldest brother is bipolar. I'm not even sure I have enough time to say what over 30 years of being his sister has been like-definitely a roller coaster for sure. When he's up, he's the most sensitive, caring, and good-hearted person you'll ever know. But then life gets boring. Everything has been going well for 2-3 weeks, but now it's mundane. He starts seeking stimulation. He wants activity, wants excitment, wants...something different. It's like being on a roller coaster that's going flat and smoothly than suddenly you get to that big hill and the chain starts slowly taking you up, up, up, and up. Then you get to the top, and for a moment, the fear and the excitment and the adrenaline rush join together to create an awesome moment where you think "this is the best!". And then you fall. The fall is swift and unraveling.
I love my brother dearly, and it pains me to not have a relationship with him anymore, but I just couldn't do it. We still see each other at times, but I had to step back from the line because he would never meet me there. We're siblings, so that's a very different relationship than that of spouses, but I still understand watching someone you love literally self-destruct right before your eyes. My brother will not take any medications, and he has a drug habit that I refuse to be anywhere near.
I also had a close friend with the disorder. We both moved away form the city we lived in, but we were real close for 2 years. When P was on her medication, while she was quick-tempered, she was so selfless and caring and involved. When she went off her medication, usually because she though she had everything under control and she could handle herself without her meds, she was a completely different person. I stood by her, and I still walked across the street to visit with her. But she was constantly agitated, seemed pissed off at everyone, took out her emotions on everyone else, and was pretty self-destructive.
I agree that having a disorder or disease is not an excuse, but IMPO, until you've actually had a close relationship with someone suffering (yes, suffering) from such a condition, and you are well-educated on the condition, then I think you owe it to yourself as well as your loved one to try and work things out.
If I could find a way to put my brother's MRI results on the computer/form, I would (I have the disk of them). His brain does not function like our normal one's do. I know for a cold, hard fact that my brother wishes he did not have the disorder, and I know he wants to be "normal", but you can't just make it go away. To top it off, he's diagnosed as ADHD/Bipolar (for those that don't know, true ADD and ADHD are almost always accompanied by a secondary disorder).
I hate watching him struggle. But I have my own anxiety and depression problems, and now I'm a wife and mother, and I have to put my family first.
good luck.For the record, I would NOT recommend starting an emotional and potentially upsetting conversation with a drunk person.....
Ever.
I debated on responding to this thread, I've been following it, and my heart is breaking for Amber. I've been praying for her.
A while back ago I posted about problems I was having in my relationship. For safety I had those threads removed, safety is what kept me from responding to this thread, right now I'm having a wave of courage (stupidity? Maybe?). I'm not sure but I felt the need to respond now.
To give you the cap on my life. I have been with my "husband" for 7 years. I have been called every name in the book, I have been bullied, I have been made to feel worthless, stupid, and ugly. I have had my privilages revoked, and have excused being hit by saying "it wasn't that hard".
I excused his actions because he is sick, because he had a rotten childhood. I tried to save things and hold it together because we have a child, because I did not have a cent to my name, and because I wanted it work. I can give a million more reasons and many of them won't make sense..
As we are working on things I took Corinthians 13:4-7 to heart. I live it the best I could. When he would fail and go back to old ways I would accept and look for where it was not so bad. I listened to him as he said all the right words. I believed it was getting better because as stupid, foolish, and crazy as it may seem the heart wants what the heart wants. When I see him acting as a family man I want to keep that. Until you have "been there" it will never make any sense.
In the worse times I felt like I was falling out of love, that I hate him. I don't. The good times are a mixture of familiarity in seeing the man I fell in love with and being bittersweet because I wonder how long it will last. I hold on to hope because I can see the happiness we can have with real healing and because as long as I have hope I haven't lost myself in this.
So how do things honestly stand now? Its better depending on how I handle things. I have more or less learned every major and minor trigger that sets him off, if I miss one I have learned how to quickly calm the beast...a strange survival skill I suppose. My house looks and sounds more peaceful and like things are getting better because of what I am doing, because I probably am much stronger than he believes and because my capacity for forgiveness and to strive more towards healing exceeds the demons that control him. At the risk of sounding vain if things were to ever become "normal" between us it is because of me and my efforts.
But I am getting my ducks in a row just to be safe because a gut feeling told me to do so. We shall see what happens but for now I am here and I am still striving to hold it together so things can truly heal. It is not easy and its a constant struggle and just as it takes an incredible amount of courage to walk away it is just as brave to try and heal.
Anyway....
I did not mean to hijack the thread. Sorry.
Amber, with all my heart I am praying for you. I think you are doing an admirable thing by looking into counseling and trying to save your marriage but I want you to remember some things.
1. Self reflecting. Do this to heal and help yourself grow. If you have a history of unhealthy relationships it will be beneficial to you to learn why and were they come from. I also want to add that none of this makes it okay for you to be emotionally abused. You deserve to be made to feel like the sweet, smart, beautiful, wonderful lady you are and settling for anyone to treat you any less is not acceptable.
2. Working on things only works if it is truly happening. Don't let yourself be like me and convince yourself that its getting better when its really not. Anyone can say the right words and anyone can even play the role. Make sure the effort is truthful, genuine, and honest. You deserve no less.
3. Sickness. If Josh has a suspected medical reason for this I hope he agrees to testing and following through with treatment. Your compassion and empathy will be expected if you have a sick spouse, have them. Don't lose them but also don't forget that he has a responsibility in doing what he can to keep you safe from his illness.
There is so much more I want to say but I think I rambled on enough for now. Just known that I am praying for you and whatever road you decide now or later for what its worth I'm behind you and support you.
((((HUGS))))) I hope you find the peace and healing you need in your heart, home, and marriage and if need be I hope that if and when the time comes you have the strength and courage to walk away with the faith and certainty that you are heading towards a brighter tomorrow.
A while back ago I posted about problems I was having in my relationship. For safety I had those threads removed, safety is what kept me from responding to this thread, right now I'm having a wave of courage (stupidity? Maybe?). I'm not sure but I felt the need to respond now.
To give you the cap on my life. I have been with my "husband" for 7 years. I have been called every name in the book, I have been bullied, I have been made to feel worthless, stupid, and ugly. I have had my privilages revoked, and have excused being hit by saying "it wasn't that hard".
I excused his actions because he is sick, because he had a rotten childhood. I tried to save things and hold it together because we have a child, because I did not have a cent to my name, and because I wanted it work. I can give a million more reasons and many of them won't make sense..
As we are working on things I took Corinthians 13:4-7 to heart. I live it the best I could. When he would fail and go back to old ways I would accept and look for where it was not so bad. I listened to him as he said all the right words. I believed it was getting better because as stupid, foolish, and crazy as it may seem the heart wants what the heart wants. When I see him acting as a family man I want to keep that. Until you have "been there" it will never make any sense.
In the worse times I felt like I was falling out of love, that I hate him. I don't. The good times are a mixture of familiarity in seeing the man I fell in love with and being bittersweet because I wonder how long it will last. I hold on to hope because I can see the happiness we can have with real healing and because as long as I have hope I haven't lost myself in this.
So how do things honestly stand now? Its better depending on how I handle things. I have more or less learned every major and minor trigger that sets him off, if I miss one I have learned how to quickly calm the beast...a strange survival skill I suppose. My house looks and sounds more peaceful and like things are getting better because of what I am doing, because I probably am much stronger than he believes and because my capacity for forgiveness and to strive more towards healing exceeds the demons that control him. At the risk of sounding vain if things were to ever become "normal" between us it is because of me and my efforts.
But I am getting my ducks in a row just to be safe because a gut feeling told me to do so. We shall see what happens but for now I am here and I am still striving to hold it together so things can truly heal. It is not easy and its a constant struggle and just as it takes an incredible amount of courage to walk away it is just as brave to try and heal.
Anyway....
I did not mean to hijack the thread. Sorry.
Amber, with all my heart I am praying for you. I think you are doing an admirable thing by looking into counseling and trying to save your marriage but I want you to remember some things.
1. Self reflecting. Do this to heal and help yourself grow. If you have a history of unhealthy relationships it will be beneficial to you to learn why and were they come from. I also want to add that none of this makes it okay for you to be emotionally abused. You deserve to be made to feel like the sweet, smart, beautiful, wonderful lady you are and settling for anyone to treat you any less is not acceptable.
2. Working on things only works if it is truly happening. Don't let yourself be like me and convince yourself that its getting better when its really not. Anyone can say the right words and anyone can even play the role. Make sure the effort is truthful, genuine, and honest. You deserve no less.
3. Sickness. If Josh has a suspected medical reason for this I hope he agrees to testing and following through with treatment. Your compassion and empathy will be expected if you have a sick spouse, have them. Don't lose them but also don't forget that he has a responsibility in doing what he can to keep you safe from his illness.
There is so much more I want to say but I think I rambled on enough for now. Just known that I am praying for you and whatever road you decide now or later for what its worth I'm behind you and support you.
((((HUGS))))) I hope you find the peace and healing you need in your heart, home, and marriage and if need be I hope that if and when the time comes you have the strength and courage to walk away with the faith and certainty that you are heading towards a brighter tomorrow.
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Cheers bunny on great post! I live with a bipolar partner as well. medicated we have a great life, Unmedicated I live like you do Skiddle. Sadly its hard for those that suffer from it to see what they do, you need to force that mirror in his face and ask/beg him to be tested. worst case scenerio he is bipolar... but is a pill or two a day worth loosing your respect and love?
I have to disagree with this. After helping a ton of friends get out of emotionally abusive and some of them physically abusive I guess I'm just a little more cautious than most.
Yes vows are important and I feel more people should put them as a priority. Yes he may have a mental illness causing this. But that doesn't mean she should force herself to stay in a horrible situation. I've had friends that stayed in a relationship for way longer than they should have. And by the time they left they weren't themselves any more they were shells. They had lost interests and hobbies, they lost almost all contact with any friends, and most importantly they lost who they were. They had spent so long trying to make a dead relationship work they didn't know how to do things for themselves because for the past 5+ years they had worked on a relationship that had ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with themselves and everything to do with their abusive SO.
Also I don't think someone having cancer and needing support is the same as someone who mentally beats you down every chance they get. I would probably fault someone from leaving a SO with cancer because I don't think you should leave just because it got a little rough. But when you can't remember things that make you happy or the last time you were happy that is totally different.
Yes vows are important and I feel more people should put them as a priority. Yes he may have a mental illness causing this. But that doesn't mean she should force herself to stay in a horrible situation. I've had friends that stayed in a relationship for way longer than they should have. And by the time they left they weren't themselves any more they were shells. They had lost interests and hobbies, they lost almost all contact with any friends, and most importantly they lost who they were. They had spent so long trying to make a dead relationship work they didn't know how to do things for themselves because for the past 5+ years they had worked on a relationship that had ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with themselves and everything to do with their abusive SO.
Also I don't think someone having cancer and needing support is the same as someone who mentally beats you down every chance they get. I would probably fault someone from leaving a SO with cancer because I don't think you should leave just because it got a little rough. But when you can't remember things that make you happy or the last time you were happy that is totally different.
This.
Also, mental illness doesn't cause abusive behavior. It's a choice. Most people who choose to behave that way are able to tone it down at the very least when they know other people are watching/judging them. So the question is, do you (hypothetical you) want to be with someone who chooses to abuse you?
And yes, I am aware that mental illness and substance abuse can cause abuse to escalate, but it's not going to going to magically manifest when they're sick and then magically disappear with treatment.
Also, mental illness doesn't cause abusive behavior. It's a choice. Most people who choose to behave that way are able to tone it down at the very least when they know other people are watching/judging them. So the question is, do you (hypothetical you) want to be with someone who chooses to abuse you?
And yes, I am aware that mental illness and substance abuse can cause abuse to escalate, but it's not going to going to magically manifest when they're sick and then magically disappear with treatment.