Bipolar...

[skittledoo]

What do you do if you are married to someone that you suspect might be bipolar?

I seriously think Josh is bipolar. His mom thinks he is... My aunt thinks he is and she is married to a bipolar man. A couple of his friends have also mentioned they think he is.

He is beyond emotional and whatever he is feeling becomes magnified. When he is upset its really bad. He will drink and he is hateful about everyone and everything. He goes to extremes always. For example. If I get a paycheck that is less than we expected he starts raging about "well then you can't drive your car at all and we can't pay this bill and you might have to get rid of the dogs and we are never going to have the life you want etc etc."

Living with him is exhausting. It's gotten much worse the past year. I love him, but most days I can't stand to be anywhere near him. Dealing with his moods has pushed me into depression myself and my anxiety issues are through the roof to the point where I'm making myself sick.

His mood swings change really fast. He can go from flipping out to joking around in a single moment.

Whenever we fight he always tells me i should leave him and find some rich guy who can take care of me... Wtf???

I don't get him half the time. I'm also sick of being deprioritized by him. He always puts his own wants and needs before me. I don't mind him thinking about himself sometimes obviously... But when its always about him... It just gets old.

Also... Anything that ever happens is never his fault.... According to him. He always blames everyone else.

I dunno... I just really think he is bipolar and I have no clue how to confront it or if I even should. I know I can't force him to seek help. He won't go see a dr and he says he refuses to talk to a therapist about his problems. How do I as a wife live with someone like this? I know people make these marriages work... But I just don't see how it could work if he isn't willing to get help.

I'm meeting with a marriage counselor next week. Josh doesn't even know I'm doing so. He wouldn't understand my reasonings if I tried to tell him to be honest. Are there support groups for people who know or suspect their spouse might be bipolar? How do you eventually convince someone to see a Dr.

 

[PWCorgi]

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/bipolar_lovedones/

((((HUGS))))) I'm sorry you are having to deal with this

 

[Moth]

I think you going to see a counselor by yourself is one of the best things that you can to for yourself.

I was married when I was younger (23) the marriage lasted 7-8 years and some of what you mention sounds familiar. The whole thing where your needs come after his always...

The fact that it is affecting your health and mental well being has me worried.

I have no idea how to make a relationship like that work...it takes two people working hard to make a good relationship. It means you need him to be ready and willing to address his issues in all this...

I hope that the marriage counselor will be able to give you some advice with what you can do to improve things for yourself and to get Josh to see that he needs to get some help too.

 

[Snark]

Sorry, no experience with that... Can you ask your aunt how she copes?

 

[Doberluv]

Oh wow...I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. You got some good advice so far. I don't know much about bipolar except my daughter has a friend who is and it can cause really scary anger and outbursts, rages. And then the next thing she knows, everything is honky dory. Back and forth. What a nightmare roller coaster. Now, this friend takes medication sometimes. But when she doesn't, it sounds like hell. I hope Josh will come around to agreeing to get help and see a therapist together with you and by himself. If, after some time passes and he is unwilling to do what it takes to make the relationship work, well....I can only say what I'd do. Or rather, wouldn't do and that is I'd not spend my whole life being miserable. But give it a chance. If he loves you and realizes how serious you are and how serious his situation is, maybe he'll come around. I think those medications help, along with therapy. I hope things will turn around for you. They certainly could. Things could get better, so hang in there a little longer.

 

[PWCorgi]

Maybe you could work the fact that you guys want kids to help push him in the direction of therapy? I mean, kids shouldn't have to deal with a parent who has outbursts like that on a regular basis.

 

[Doberluv]

Maybe you could work the fact that you guys want kids to help push him in the direction of therapy? I mean, kids shouldn't have to deal with a parent who has outbursts like that on a regular basis.

That's so true. Very good point.

 

[AdrianneIsabel]

I don't know that I could. Definitely seek help, I hope this is just a bad day.

 

[Maliraptor]

I feel for you, I've been there. The anxiety, the tip-toeing as to not cause an outbursts, and the fact that it makes YOU sad. Somehow, we came through it. But it took work from him, and I don't think he was truly bi-polar, but depressed. The "hate everything" was the worst. I kept thinking, "Don't you know WE are part of this 'everything' you hate??" He refused counseling, and when I went to counseling he said "You'd better not discuss ME at those sessions."

We almost divorced, in fact we separated for 4 months. It was the BEST time I had, and I finally felt like I was alive again. I realized a lot of things I let go that I should not, and was glad to be free. I had the papers all filled out and signed and ready to file...

HOWEVER, while we were apart, he was seriously thinking about it. And realizing how impossible he had been to live with. He wanted to try again, and for the sake of my daughter (and the fact that he was my best friend) we tried again. It has not been perfect, but he's trying, and that is enough to make the little incidences that come up better for me. And I can honestly say I am happy with him.

No answers. I feel for you SO much. If you every want someone to talk to, I'm here, I've been there.

 

[AllieMackie]

I'm really glad you're seeing a marriage counseler. Even going by yourself might get you some answers. I just read Fran's post in your other thread, and I must say that she said a lot of the things I've wanted to say to you, but feared hurting you. I feel like I've watched you go downhill because of him and I would love to see you happier again. ((HUGS))

 

[Beanie]

First, I was going to post this in your other thread but it's more appropriate here. I think you meeting with a marriage counselor is pretty much necessary at this point FOR YOU. I'm really worried about you... saying stuff like you're a mental mess and that your husband depresses you... it's no good. =< Even if you just go by yourself... you gotta do it. For you at the very least.

What I'm about to say is really negative and I don't want it to come out that way, but what happened was... bad. So there it is. I don't know how to put a positive spin on something that was so negative that it left lasting affects on my entire family. =/

My ex-BIL is bipolar and what I watched my sister go through wasn't pleasant. First, he got really depressed and really sick, physically, with the depression. He quit his job because he was embarrassed that he was sick. So my sister was the only one working. While she worked he would blow their money. He bought games and toys and stuff for himself. He sold HER stuff to buy her "presents." Like he sold their Playstation and all their Playstation games, including games that my family had bought her for Christmas and birthday gifts and stuff, to "surprise" her with a DS... one night he went out to game with his friends and called Papa Johns to send her a pizza because she was always home alone while he went off to play... but they couldn't AFFORD to order pizza...
My sister had a LOT of money saved up when she moved out. They ended up burning through her entire savings and got way into debt in less than a year. I can't even figure out how they spent all the money she had saved, but he blew it on just... crap. They got behind on all their bills. My sister had to ask my grandparents for a loan to dig themselves out of the hole they got in.
They ended up moving in with his parents, and after putting up with his mom insulting her all the time and making it out like my sister was the entire problem, they decided to move HERE instead... and moved in with us.

I think I made it a few months before I stopped talking to him. He was yelling at her one day and I stood up to him for her, and he yelled at me instead. Later he said it "was none of my business." I'm sorry, you're verbally abusing my sister in my house. It's my ($)@ing business. And of course the worst part of it was that my sister told me I deserved to get yelled at, and my dad never did anything about it, but that's all neither here nor there.

I didn't speak to him, I ignored him, he might as well have been mud on the bottom of my shoe. My sister went to counseling, first he was going to go with her and then decided not to because they didn't need it. She kept going. He finally got a job (well, again - he'd had a few for a couple of months while this was all going on) and after a lot of arguing she told him he had to prove he could KEEP his job... so he got his own place and moved out. He still wouldn't go to counseling. He went to the doctor and got on meds for a while, which helped a bit, but the problem with most chemical disorders is once people are feeling better they think they can quit the meds. If it's a TRUE chemical imbalance you can't quit the meds. He quit his meds. He started drinking a lot and experimenting with other drugs, too.
That was pretty much the end of it.
She was married to him for five years... the part that happened in front of my face was about the last two years of it.

I won't say my sister was blameless in their marriage ending. It takes two people to be married and there were things she did that contributed. But he was verbally and emotionally abusive, and she claims he hit her once. He denies it (of course) and she can't tell anybody when or why it happened or even what they were arguing about, and being on the receiving end of these kinds of false claims myself, I can't say I 100% believe her. But I saw the emotional and verbal abuse take place. That I know happened.

The day before their appointment in court he told her he wasn't even showing up, because "this is YOUR divorce."

After their divorce we went to his apartment to get the rest of the stuff he had taken that was hers and that the court ordered he needed to give back to her. Because he hadn't even shown up, everything my sister claimed and asked for went uncontested so she got it. She called and talked to him and told him she was coming to get all her stuff. We got to his house and she knocked, then opened the door and called "Hello?" He came storming up from the back of the house, PUSHED her, TWICE, and yelled at her to get out.
My dad was with us and he still didn't do anything. As soon as my ex-BIL realized SHE WASN'T ALONE he stopped pushing her but I have no idea what he might have done if she had gone over there with an entourage.
Me and a friend of ours kept telling my sister to call the police, and the police would come help her get her stuff.
He threw everything she was coming to get out on the porch at us. Including breakable stuff.
Still nothing from my sister (or my dad.) We loaded up her stuff and broken dishes and we just left.

Apparently until she said "I'm coming to get my stuff that you have," he hadn't really LOOKED at his copy of the final divorce papers. When he opened them to see just WTF she was talking about with "her stuff" that was listed, he saw the reason she put down for their divorce was "emotional abuse," got pissed, and shoving her then throwing all her stuff out on the porch at her was how he decided to respond.


When my sister and I were younger there was a youth pastor we both really liked. He met my BIL before my sister even got married. My ex-BIL was, at one point, a Godly man, and he wanted to do youth ministry, so he talked quite a bit with this pastor. I don't remember how word got back to him that my sister had moved back in with us but he came over a few times. He took my sister and ex-BIL out to dinner and tried to counsel them some, but my ex-BIL just sat there with his arms folded the whole time and didn't want to hear it. I remember one day he came over just to see how my sister was doing, and he asked me how I was doing.
At some point we found out that this youth pastor also has bipolar disorder. I would never have known, honestly. But his wife called my sister and took her out to lunch, and she told my sister "If I had known what I was getting into, I would never have married him."

They ARE still married, by the way. I suppose if there's a positive spin to put on this, it's that it CAN be done. And this youth pastor is a man I still like and respect very much - unlike the scum that was once my BIL.
But I guess her point just was... it's really hard, it's SO hard. Dealing with the "no, I'm fine now, I can go off the meds, it's different this time!" and THAT becomes a fight in and of itself, never mind if they do actually go off the meds and the cycle that exists there. And since our hormones change as we age and affect our brain chemistry, it's not like you just go on one dose of one med and stay their your whole life and it's fine, things change. And damage is done during some of those periods. Counseling is really important... but getting someone else to agree to counseling isn't always easy. Sometimes they refuse to believe anything is wrong or they sit their with their arms folded and won't listen or they draw a line in the sand and say stuff like "this is YOUR divorce."


I'm not telling you to get out, Amber. But it's been incredibly hard for you already, and unless you can get Josh on board with admitting there's a problem in your relationship, and that he needs to address some of his personal problems - and I'm sure you have some of your own, we all do, and like I said, a marriage takes two - I don't think it's going to get any better. And you don't deserve to feel the way you've been feeling.
I hope your marriage counselor can help you get through to Josh, I really do. I know you love him and I know you want things to work.
If Josh finds out about the marriage counselor before you go, PLEASE don't let him make you cancel the appointment.

 

[JacksonsMom]

I just have to say this sounds exactly like my mom's husband. He has turned VERY much like this, and it's sad yet sometimes can be scary. The smallest things set him OFF.... we have well water, and it's an old system, and it's horrible for my mom and I's colored hair. But God forbid you even mention the water, he will wig out. Certain things you just don't speak of in the house, and it's the stupidest things. Even if my mom comments on a house she likes, he will go off about how she should just go marry a millionaire since that's how she wants to live. And the other day in the car, we had a perfectly fine dinner, we went out for one beer afterwards (just the 3 of us, which never happens) and he wanted to go somewhere else with his friend. My mom told him in the nicest way to go ahead but she had to work in the morning and was going home. He started going off about "OK, you just go out with all of your friends then!! Since that's what you want!?" It's like... whaattt?

And I am the first to admit, my mom is not always the easiest person to live with. She CAN be bad with money and she CAN say things to push his buttons. But honestly? It's just weird and gotten worse lately. He turns into a different person. And he gets drunk sooo super fast now, and then just gets to the point where he makes no sense. And it sucks because he can be a very nice guy, he really is, and I used to be very close to him. They did lose a child together, so it's a definite huge stress and I'm amazed they are still together. But he was often like this before too.

 

[Jules]

Amber, I am glad you are going to a marriage counselor, even if it is by yourself. The counselor will, I'm sure, be able to give you more advice on how to "confront" Josh about his behavior. Would he be mad if he found out you went there? Or would it maybe give him something to think about?

I would think about going back on BC, too. The last thing you need to throw in the mix is a child. If Josh wants kids badly, maybe that will show him that you are serious that things have got to change.

Marriage is hard. Especially when life is stressful and you're still getting used to living together. I've been there and went to counseling... And it did help. Tremendously. But both have parties have to want to work on it.

I don't even know what to say. You deserve so much more happiness

((((HUGS))))

 

[Dakotah]

You know what I think of the situation. And you know you can call me anytime, day or night, 1pm or 1am. I am here for you, Amber.

I think it is very strong of you to go to a marriage counselor.
And I do agree with Beanie. I do not think you should get out of it, I think you are doing the best YOU can, but Josh really needs to step up in this too. I HATE with every fiber in my being that you are so upset and unhappy, I really do. It is not fair to you.

(((HUGS))) sweetness.

 

[Paige]

There is a HUGE difference between someone who has a mental illness and is trying their best to do better for themselves and their loved ones and someone who has a mental illness, refuses to manage it and is negatively impacting your life a great deal. Most people do have to go through the latter to get to the other side but that does not mean you have to put up with everything he throws at you. Marriage takes two people to make it work and if he isn't willing then he isn't willing. I really hope he is though because I know you love him and want this to work.

Good luck hun.

 

[Dizzy]

I put this in the other thread, and I'll put it here too... and add that having mental health difficulties does not allow someone to treat you like ****. Its not a 'get out of jail free' card.

Fran, I'm going to go one step further.

Skittle, I work with women who are in abusive relationships every single day. This relationship is abusive. Josh is emotionally abusive, and this cycle will continue until you BOTH seek help.

I know you said you would see a counsellor, but please understand HE needs to take responsibility for what he is doing and want to change.

Food For Thought:

Emotional abuse is crippling. It robs a person of their self-esteem, the ability to think rationally, confidence in themselves and their independence and autonomy. If your spouse’s words and behaviors have caused any of the following feelings it is time to seek help:

Isolation from others, you rarely see friends and
family.

Excessive dependence on him/her.

You constantly think about saying or doing the
right thing so that your spouse does not become
upset.

You live in the moment, unable to plan ahead
because you fear your spouse’s response to any
plans or ideas you have.

Any action you take is criticized unless it is one of compliance to his/ her desires.

You feel as if you don’t have the energy it would
take to fight back against their controlling behavior.

You doubt your ability to stand-up and speak your own mind and express your own opinions.

You feel a sense of depression and anxiety most
of the time.

You feel as if anything you do or say will be met with anger or dismissal .

Your feelings and desires just don’t seem to matter to your spouse.

That is just a small example of feelings. Do some reading, think about YOURSELF, your future, what you want from Josh and how that will happen, or whether it ever will.

He is wrong in all of this. Not you. You wouldn't take a steaming pile of **** if someone handed it to you, and you don't have to take this either.

Marriage doesn't mean you lose your autonomy and decision making power. Yes you **** well can take a cab with the money you earn. It's not only reasonable, its your RIGHT.

 

[Barb04]

First, you can't convince the person to see a doctor unless they really want to.

Drinking is no good because it makes his condition worse.

The best thing would be for him to follow a good diet, get plenty of exercise, no drinking alcohol, etc. He may need space from time to time which a spouse needs to understand but unless he's willing to change his lifestyle, he's not going to change.

If he's unwilling to go to a doctor and/or change, then it's up to you if you can deal with this in your marriage. Hugs.

 

[LindaJD]

I just want to say I feel for you. My son is involved with a girl that is bipolar and it has been very tough for all of us.

 

[Sweet72947]

(((HUGS))) Amber. I know exactly what you are going through, because everything you say describes my father. Well, except the drinking, my dad never did that. It was very hard to grow up with a father like that. We had to tell so many lies.

Its better now that I live with friends, but I still dread going over there for stuff like Christmas dinner, etc. Things start out good, but after we are mostly through dinner and get to the part where a normal family would sit around and talk about their lives, it always seems to become a "bash mom" fest where my dad starts teasing my mom and making it look like its just "harmless" and "in jest", but its not, it's mean and underhanded and it makes me uncomfortable.

People like this just suck the happiness and energy right out of you.

 

[RD]

There is a HUGE difference between someone who has a mental illness and is trying their best to do better for themselves and their loved ones and someone who has a mental illness, refuses to manage it and is negatively impacting your life a great deal. Most people do have to go through the latter to get to the other side but that does not mean you have to put up with everything he throws at you. Marriage takes two people to make it work and if he isn't willing then he isn't willing. I really hope he is though because I know you love him and want this to work.

Good luck hun.

This, a thousand times over. A mental illness may be something he hasn't even considered as a possibility.

I am bipolar. I am in a relationship with a great person and I love him more than anything, but sometimes I lose my grip on myself and he gets the brunt of it. It is so hard for him to deal with me, but he's stayed with me anyway. I fully acknowledge how lucky I am, and that is why I put a lot of effort into controlling myself.

If josh thinks acting this way is normal and okay, then there is a problem. If he doesn't acknowledge that he is being hurtful to you, or doesn't care, that's a problem. I think the counseling for you is a good idea. I think I would ask the counselor about how to bring it up to josh that you would like him to go too.