If you can spare a few words I'd really appreciate it.

[Domestika]

Hi folks.

I haven't said anything thus far because I thought I was strong enough to handle it without asking for support from anyone.... But I'm not!

My marriage has ended. I'm flying back to Canada on Saturday with my cat and all of my possessions.

The toughest part for me is that I'm not really angry. We've fought and fought and fought and ultimately I couldn't handle it anymore. But the fighting was really because we're just....so very different. We're so opposite and we just don't want or expect the same things as the other. We spent so long trying to mold the other into the right shape and the fighting came when the other resisted that change.

I would much prefer that we had some big blowout and that I got to leave in a rage, but rather I've come to appreciate that no one's right and no one's wrong. We're just not compatible. How horrible is that? I wish it were more complicated. I wish someone had a drug problem or a rage problem or something that you could pin on the other person and say "the relationship is over because of X issue"...because this is so much harder.

I still care about him a lot. We were friends for years and years before we got married and I still see in him what I did then. But what worked in a friendship has not worked in a marriage. I guess there was no way to see that coming. You kinda have to try it out to know for sure...and I'm kind of glad I did.

Anyway, wish me luck and emotional strength. The next few days of removing all of my belongings from the home we made together here will be very difficult. It's not what I expected to be doing. I can't express how much I am dreading the drive to the airport and saying goodbye to my best friend, most likely forever. Then I have more than 24 hours of travel (with my enormous cat and suitcases to lug around) before I get home to start a whole new phase of my life.

If anyone has any words of wisdom about starting over I'd really appreciate it right about now.

 

[dogsarebetter]

good luck sweetie (((hugs))))

 

[Doberluv]

I think that you realize that you two were more designed to be friends than spouses may be all the wisdom you need. Does he feel the same way? It may not be forever. I know with my ex, we're really good friends after a bitter divorce. Funny how things work out. Sometimes living with someone just adds a big stumbling block in between an otherwise healthy relationship. That extra challenge can just be too much sometimes. I wish you all the best in your new chapter and hope you two can form some sort of balance where you can be friends as always without marraige. Some kind of relationship is better than none as long as it's healthy.

 

[tessa_s212]

I'm sorry. Starting a new chapter in life is always scary. Change is hard, but usually for the best. (((hugs)))

 

[sparks19]

I'm sorry I don't have any wisdom or advice to offer. but lots of (((HUGS)))

 

[bubbatd]

May you find your path to happiness .

 

[Zoom]

Actually, it's probably better that there wasn't a huge drag out fight that ended with bitter feelings. That just creates lingering resentment that eats at a person. If he was your best friend before, once you get these issues sorted and taken care of, he probably will go back to being your best friend.

I'm sorry your marriage has ended though, that's never easy. Good luck in your new life and the only words of wisdom I can offer is "Never regret the things you did, only the things you didn't do." You took a chance, had some good times and experiences and now get to say that you lived in Iceland! You learned some things about yourself in the process too. That's never a bad thing.

 

[Renee750il]

((((((((HUGS)))))))) I kind of had a feeling things were coming to this . . . The fact that you can walk away and give BOTH of you a chance to find someone with whom you can be yourself, where neither of you have to re-mold yourselves or try to change each other is a display of wisdom and understanding far beyond your years.

Take the lessons you've learned, drop the baggage on your road, and go on, step by step.

Go ahead and grieve -- this is a death of sorts; a death after a long battle to try to save something you loved very much, but remember that death is but a doorway and rebirth awaits you.

 

[FoxyWench]

i cant offer advice...
but i can offer hugs!

 

[4dogs3cats]

I would much prefer that we had some big blowout and that I got to leave in a rage, but rather I've come to appreciate that no one's right and no one's wrong. We're just not compatible. How horrible is that? I wish it were more complicated. I wish someone had a drug problem or a rage problem or something that you could pin on the other person and say "the relationship is over because of X issue"...because this is so much harder.

I'm trying to think how to word this... I'm not you and not in your shoes.

I wasn't married, but I was engaged, and with him for 5 years. In that 5 years, he went downhill. he lost his motivation, got himself kicked out of the military, lost his job, lost his spark. Lost me.

It's been 8 months and when I think about the fact that I couldn't fix him, it still makes me cry. I would MUCH rather, in my situation, know that we simply weren't compatible.

But now, I am stuck with 5 years of my life gone, that I will never get back, mountains of debt that WE were supposed to pay back, a family I was once a part of that I havent spoken to in ages, and a piece of me that I will never get back.

So I would much rather be able to say, "Eh, turns out we weren't compatible, so we parted ways," than to have an ex that I havent spoken to in 8 months because he LITERALLY screwed up my life.
[/End pathetic woe is me story]

Regardless, I am very sorry that your marraige has ended. It's definitely a change, and just know you have the support of us here at Chaz to help get you through it. ((HUGS))

 

[Dizzy]

Starting over works best if you jump in 2 feet first.

I'd also recommend a hair cut (or a piercing/tatt if you're that way inclined).

It's not so hard..... And the fact you remain friends is good.

I left my ex and our flat behind 3 years ago, and it just got better and better.

You'll find a new lease of life, and be able to do all those things you always said you would but never got round to

The cup IS half full for you

 

[4dogs3cats]

I agree. You're one step ahead of the rest of us who can't seem to put our lives back together.

Take a deep breath, do something you normally wouldn't do, or that you felt restricted to do.

Mine is FINALLY after 8 long months, getting back to San Diego. Sitting on the beach is the only time I really feel 100% at peace

 

[Doberluv]

4dogs....your situation sounds just horrible. I am so sorry that part of your life was so raunchy and ruined. I can totally see where you stand with your feelings. I had something similar almost break me with a relationship after my divorce. That guy was a nut job as it turned out and I felt like I was coming out of a cult. He did a number on me and made my ex look like Mother Teresa.

My situation with my ex wasn't so bad like yourse, but there were definitely bitter resentments and a lot of anger. It's amazing really, that now, about 10 years later (but it's been a couple of years) that we have become good friends again and let bygones be bygones, putting that past behind us. We visit and talk on the phone a lot. We talked on the phone last night for 3 hours! He's in Wa. I'm in Idaho. WHen I go there, I stay at his house and my daughter's house too. There is no romantic thing going whatsoever. It's strictly a revived friendship that was once there. It's so nice for our kids, even if they are adult kids. We all get together often as a family. He was practically insisting that I come for my birthday so we could go for dinner, see the kids, go to the eye doctor together. Seriously. He wants to pay for my appointment and new lenses. LOL. But no....he, nor I want a living-together, romantic relationship. We're good just where we are, chatting over tea and hanging out sometimes.

Anyhow, I hope Domestika that you two will be able to remain friends and not ever have to go through big resentments or anger. Your pragmatic realization may help lead you into a more healthy, better situation all around.

 

[babymomma]

I , Obviously, Have no Advice and definatly no experiance.. But I wanted to offer you ((((((((((((((((((((HUGSxamillion)))))))))))))))))))))))))))) And a Big pat on the back.

 

[Domestika]

You are all lovely, lovely people and I appreciate each and every comment. Truly.

I'm very thankful that some of you have shared your own experience, as it's very easy for one to get caught up in their own situation and feel as though they are the only one. It brings me some peace to hear that life can and does go on.

I like the suggestion to have a tattoo or piercing done! I have most definitely done just that in the past; marked the end of an era (or the beginning of another) in that way. I think I've already done all the piercing I'm going to do (navel, lip, tongue, ears, nose and nipples - though most are out now) but I'm always open to a meaningful tattoo. I wonder if there's a creative and attractive way I can make a mural or image out of landmarks from places I've visited and made great memories. I've also been thinking for years of going blonde...but I'm still really enjoying having dark hair right now.

I have lots of ways to mark this new turn in my life, though. I have a lot of relationships to mend (most importantly with my mom, who I've chosen not to have contact with for quite a long time, and my aging grandmother who I have also chosen not to have contact with). I have a parent who I have had virtually no contact with my entire life who I'd like to meet and learn about. I have some old friendships to renew and nurture. And I have a genuine interest in healing my relationship with my body.

And, to ramble on some more!, I feel a strong urge to really simplify my life. I'm going to park my laptop for a bit (I've taken my laptop to bed with me and fallen asleep to stupid tv shows every night for probably 2 years straight). My cell bill is always out of control so I'm going to close my account when I get home and if people want to reach me...they can do what they did before everyone and their dog had a telephone fused to their skull. I'm cutting the limit on my credit card by about 90%. And I'm looking forward to taking advantage of the beautiful nature back home and really reconnecting with myself and my sprituality. I'm in a healing mode, for sure.

But ****...I'm just so sad right now. I don't want to leave even though I know I have to. But maybe that's a blessing, as well as a curse.

Your personal stories really do help. Thank you.

 

[Baxter'smybaby]

you actually sound like you are in a pretty good place--despite the or because of the situation. Be sad---you should be--but heal yourself as well. I wish you the best!

 

[4dogs3cats]

4dogs....your situation sounds just horrible. I am so sorry that part of your life was so raunchy and ruined. I can totally see where you stand with your feelings. I had something similar almost break me with a relationship after my divorce. That guy was a nut job as it turned out and I felt like I was coming out of a cult. He did a number on me and made my ex look like Mother Teresa.

Sadly, I am only 22 years old and so jaded on love already.

When I met Erik, I was 16. he was my brothers older best friend. He and I became the best of friends, and when I was 17, we started dating. It was fairytale. Everything about it. We were the perfect couple everyone wanted to be. We were the Cory and Topanga lol.

But then when real life set in, and living on our own got hard, he turned to alcohol and gambling, I turned to my parents, who soon turned me away from him.

One time, he was so angry at the world, as we were about to leave, he looked at my dad and said, "Im so mad I could just kill someone right now."

Imagine watching your 21(at the time) year old daughter going home with her finace who just said that.

So now I feel like I will never find true love again, even though I know I will. I think my relationship with Erik was a BIG BIG lesson, disguised as love.

I dont doubt he ever loved me, he just loved himself more.

but now its my turn.

And Domestika, its YOUR turn too. Go be you. Be happy. Rediscover what makes you, you.

You are all lovely, lovely people and I appreciate each and every comment. Truly.

I'm very thankful that some of you have shared your own experience, as it's very easy for one to get caught up in their own situation and feel as though they are the only one. It brings me some peace to hear that life can and does go on.

I like the suggestion to have a tattoo or piercing done! I have most definitely done just that in the past; marked the end of an era (or the beginning of another) in that way. I think I've already done all the piercing I'm going to do (navel, lip, tongue, ears, nose and nipples - though most are out now) but I'm always open to a meaningful tattoo. I wonder if there's a creative and attractive way I can make a mural or image out of landmarks from places I've visited and made great memories. I've also been thinking for years of going blonde...but I'm still really enjoying having dark hair right now.

I have lots of ways to mark this new turn in my life, though. I have a lot of relationships to mend (most importantly with my mom, who I've chosen not to have contact with for quite a long time, and my aging grandmother who I have also chosen not to have contact with). I have a parent who I have had virtually no contact with my entire life who I'd like to meet and learn about. I have some old friendships to renew and nurture. And I have a genuine interest in healing my relationship with my body.

And, to ramble on some more!, I feel a strong urge to really simplify my life. I'm going to park my laptop for a bit (I've taken my laptop to bed with me and fallen asleep to stupid tv shows every night for probably 2 years straight). My cell bill is always out of control so I'm going to close my account when I get home and if people want to reach me...they can do what they did before everyone and their dog had a telephone fused to their skull. I'm cutting the limit on my credit card by about 90%. And I'm looking forward to taking advantage of the beautiful nature back home and really reconnecting with myself and my sprituality. I'm in a healing mode, for sure.

But ****...I'm just so sad right now. I don't want to leave even though I know I have to. But maybe that's a blessing, as well as a curse.

Your personal stories really do help. Thank you.

It sounds like you have a lot to keep busy with, maybe pick up a new hobby.

If I could have one thing in regards to my breakup, it would be that I wouldnt always hate him for what he did to me.

I will never be able to be his friend again, he owes me over ten thousand dollars, and I will never get it back. And it saddens me that I can never have him in my life again.

 

[Island dog]

Have a good cry. The sadness will be gone before you know it. It's a new adventure ahead for you now. You don't need someone to make you happy or complete. Life is truly an adventure, you can make plans for the future, but things always change and we adjust. My first marriage lasted 12 years, this past one 22 years - no more marriages for me. I'm going to be 59 next month and starting over again, and I'm actually looking forward to whatever is ahead. Good luck Canuck!!

 

[puppydog]

This too shall pass. That is all I can think of to say to you. Good luck and be strong for yourself. We are here for you.

 

[Gustav]

You've fallen off the horse girl, it's time to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back up into the saddle..

Many of us here have been through the mill as far as destructive relationships go, you seem to be one of the lucky ones in so much as you still want to talk to your ex other half again, most of mine I wouldn't pee on if they were on fire!!!

You seem to be on the right track, now it's time to think about YOU!

You're young, you're pretty, you can do whatever you want.. The world is your Oyster.