Bipolar...

x2!!

I'm always just a text and a call away.

Well said, and the last sentence really tells the story.

Also, setting limits on how much is too much for your own emotional sanity is important, not limits on how much you love (you know me better than that), but on how much you can take and keep getting up.

I just realized something, Amber, looking at your Sheltie thread . . . how long has it been since you've been focused and excited about your photography?

Think about it. Don't lose yourself in this.

I just had the same thought, actually.

Fila mind-meld

The reason I asked why she wants to save this is because it is an important part of self discovery. I wanted to save my abusive relationship. I tried everything to save it. One day I sat down and asked myself WHY I wanted to save it and I came up with a huge discovery. I was scared to be alone.

That pushed me into leaving. If I came up with "I really love him" I wouldn't have left. Some times we THINK we love someone when in fact, we actually just need them.

I asked myself why I wanted to save my relationship with Paul when we were having problems. I came up with "I love this man more then anything and I am happier WITH him then without". 9 months of counselling later, we are married, happy and content. It took loads of work and nearly destroyed us a few times, but it was worth it.

That doesn't mean I don't want to kill him sometimes. It just helps me to deal with that.

So, after self examination, if you truly want to save this, go for it. Give it your all. If it doesn't work, at least you tried.

I am super duper late to this thread but thought you could use some anecdata anyway. Disclaimer: This is the story of someone who will not stay on their meds, refuses to acknowledge the problem and even try to manage it, and has a multitude of problems without adding in the bipolar anyway.

My cousin's wife is bipolar. They've been together for 12 years and married for 10. They have two kids together. She has attempted suicide four times (that I know of) and has been hospitalized twice. I've been around her enough to see a couple of manic/depressive cycles. When she's up she's a fantastic person - funny, nice, warm hearted, generous, and just fun to be around. When she's down she talks about how J (my cousin) should leave her, and how she should just commit suicide, how no one cares about her, how she's a terrible mother, and so on. Those examples are her on meds. Clearly on the wrong dose of meds (and I have no idea if she was even taking them - she liked to randomly go off of them and then tell us two weeks later).

Living with a bipolar spouse is INSANELY hard. It's not impossible but the spouse does have to deal with the fact that they have a problem and be willing to make some concessions. J's wife was absolutely not willing to admit she had a problem. She was only on meds because her options were to take the meds or stay hospitalized. I can think of three times in the last 7 years that they've been on the verge of declaring bankruptcy because she can't control her spending. Last time J ripped up all her credit cards and she got new ones two weeks later. Honestly, if they didn't have kids together I seriously doubt he would stay with her.

(((((((superhugs))))))) Amber. You're being incredibly brave and I think it's admirable that you're willing to work this hard on your marriage. But I really hope that you give a lot of consideration to YOUR happiness in all this. Maybe Josh is bipolar, maybe he's depressed, maybe he's just a dick. But NOTHING excuses the way he treats you and someone needs to make that clear to him. I hope the counseling appointment helps you. <3

This.

We only hear one side of the story, and I have no doubt he's done all these things to you and you've been hurt by it, and you don't deserve that.

I want to bring up a few points though. Josh has been made out to be the bad guy through all this, but both of you are going through tough times. The economy sucks, you live in an expensive area, he's had trouble finding and keeping jobs (as have you), you're newly weds (about a year?), car trouble, multiple pets to worry about. This is a lot of stress for anyone, much less a couple of 20-something year olds. That's tough for someone to swallow their pride and admit they aren't/can't provide for their family. It'll make anyone feel hopeless or worthless.

I think both of you need some help, maybe he does have a problem, or is bipolar, but this is tough on both of you. He might be depressed. To me, he sounds a bit like a guy I dated. He was self-centered. I think there are lots of people like that, especially young, immature guys. Counseling is probably the right track for you, and I'd say probably Josh too. He needs to come face to face with those emotions and realize he's taking this out on you and he could be so much more constructive with his feelings. You can't push him, but hopefully with some guidance and a few talks he can be reasonable enough to see how he's hurting you. I agree with Beanie, you married the guy because you love him, and that's wonderful. Do what you can to keep that, but realize when you've have enough and don't take more than you can handle. Marriage is a two way street, you can't put forth all the effort and fix it, he's got to put up his half.


((((((hugs)))))

Both excellent posts

I agree!

You guys are seriously awesome. Hopefully if I have more time tomorrow I can write more of a response. I worked all day and I have to get up early since I have to be at work again at 5:30 am. Also... To those that PMd me. Don't worry, I definitely plan to respond to those as well. Just really tired and falling asleep trying to type this.

Oy... I had to take a few days away from this thread. Mostly because of stuff going on here. I'm noticing more and more how separate we seem to be growing from each other. I don't think there has been one day in the last month where we haven't fought.

I went to dinner with a friend from work the other night. When I was out with my friend, Anna, he called wanting to know where I was and who I was with. I told him I was ar a restaurant and with Anna but when he wanted to know what restaurant I told him it didn't matter. He got upset and told me I would have to find a ride home again the next day because he was going to work. When my friend dropped me off at home he was in the parking lot leaned up against his truck on the phone. I'm not sure if he just happened to get home around the same time as me or what the deal was but I sort of get the suspiciousion that he was waiting to see who dropped me off at home to make sure I really was with who I said I was with.

Today I had the day off work. I don't get a lot of days off so I spent the day reading and then took Bamm for a walk/jog in the forest and then came home and showered. When he got home he asked me to put money on the laundry card. I live on the 4th floor. Putting money on the card involves going downstairs and then outside and into the next building. Since I was taking cricket outside to go to the bathroom I went ahead and did it. Then he wanted me to make dinner. I told him I would make dinner if he could please do the dishes. I do not like to cook in a dirty kitchen. He did some of the dishes and left the rest sitting on the counter by the sink which was totally a half ass job of doing the dishes. I was frustrated so I asked him if he could finish them and he said no and something along the lines of me being home all day and so I could have done them myself. He was very rude about it so I told him to forget about me cooking dinner because I don't really feel much like doing something nice for him right now. He said ok. Now I'm laying in bed and still haven't eaten dinner but I don't much feel like eating.

One good thing is my car is in the shop right now and should hopefully be fixed by Monday. I cant wait to have my car back. I need that freedom. I need that small bit of independence.

I'm reading a book right now that a friend recommended to me. It's called Women Who Love Too Much. It's a total page turner but its really helping me to understand some stuff on my end... How women who come from dysfunctional or less than grand backgrounds have a tendency to be attracted to the very men that cause them to repeat their childhood. The book basically teaches you how to discover in you a new way to love and how to remove yourself from unhealthy relationships etc.

Some of you know about my past. I love my father so much and im glad we get along now but that wasn't always the case. My dad is a bit emotionally unavailable and he had a lot of struggles with his anger. My biological mother was absent for a good portion of my life, but when she decided to come around she was pushy, overbearing, narcissistic, etc. I was sexually molested by one of my cousins that lived with us for a while and I was too scared to talk to anyone about it when it was going on because I felt like it was my fault. I was raped just a few years ago by a man I didn't even know. My dad and I get along now but even now I'm always trying to gain his acceptance. I feel like I always want his approval and I'll do whatever it takes to gain that approval.

Add my baggage to my current relationship. When Josh and I first started dating he was going through a lot of stuff. I felt like he needed me and that I could cure him of his distress. I wanted to fix him. I'm just now realizing this about myself. Josh was there for me when we were in a long distance relationship in the beginning of us dating. It was easier for us and i felt like he couldn't see my flaws if he was so far away. I have always been too scared to get too close to a man but at the same time too scared to let them go. It's like I fear being with someone but at the same time I fear being alone and I fear the idea of being abandoned. Remember my mother was gone a part of my life. She was far away and I felt abandoned by her.

When Josh moved to NM I felt like he was the one for me. What man would drop everything to move across the country for me but a man who really loved me right? Since then I've spent so much of my time trying to gain his acceptance much like I did and still do with my dad. Josh, like my dad, seems to be emotionally unavailable most of the time. I don't feel like he is attracted to me since I've gained weight. The more I stress and feel depressed the more I gain though. I'm trying to lose it. Started jogging with the dogs to do so, but the more I continue to feel unwanted and unloved the more I stress and the more weight I gain. It's miserable really.

Now I'm unsure about my marriage and we will see which way it turns, but right now more than ever I really need to focus on me... Because this constant anxiety and stress and depression I'm feeling... It's getting worse as time goes on and I really feel like I'm sick.

Maybe I shouldn't be opening up so much about this on the forum. Maybe I really shouldn't post such personal stuff... But alas... I feel like I just need to get it off my chest before I go crazy. I'm meeting with the counselor this upcoming Friday. Friday couldn't come soon enough. I'm desperate for things to get better for me and my life. I'm tired of always ending up in these kinds of situations. My last relationship wasn't much better nor was the one before it. I don't get why I allow myself to be with men who aren't as crazy about me as I am them.

Eta: he's drinking right now and keeps coming in the room smiling and trying to poke me and asking me what's wrong. Oh boy...

You might also want to read "Love is a Choice." There's a workbook to go along with it too. My sister's therapist recommended it to her and worked through it with her. Might be worth looking into.
(((((MORE HUGS)))))

I'll definitely look into it. As soon as I get my car back I'm going to make another run to the Barnes and noble over here.

He just came in the room and tried to hug me and kiss me and tell me he is sorry that he is acting the way he is and that he is just worn out. Course he can say that when he has been drinking.... But watch... When he is sober he will go right back to acting the way he has been. I just told him to leave me alone because I'm really unhappy right now.

Keep talking to us, Amber. It's an effective way of seeing your way through the maze -- regardless of what any of us have to add. Anything you get above and beyond talking through it is a bonus.

We're here for you (((((((HUGS)))))))

Thank you so much. I wish he understood what he is putting me through but I swear some days I think he is oblivious. It's like he lives in his own world at times.

First he has to recognize it, then he has to care and take responsibility for his part in it.

Some times people are so self-centered that it never occurs to them to look. It's an alien concept.

You are a badass. Seriously, you're seeing something that is wrong and you're taking the steps to CHANGE it. It might be a slow change, it might be a scary change, but you're doing it. And you're being honest with yourself which just adds to your badass status. I'm honored to internet know you.

I want to say this is shocking but....it's really not. Seems like he's using the alcohol as a crutch and no matter what you say it's probably going to end in a fight. :| Try not to engage I guess?

I don't know what to add other than tons of ((((((((HUGS))))))))))

Whatever happens, you seem to have a good head on your shoulders and will get through this.....

Honestly, if he's in a good mood right now, regardless of being drunk or not, I would take the opportunity to talk to him while he's calm and maybe more receptive to hearing what you need to say.
It's not ideal, but I think it's better than pushing him away and not explaining why his apology means nothing to you.