Porn... How would you feel?

[sillysally]

For all those saying, well he shouldn't do it if it makes you uncomfortable... Wow how selfish. Perhaps if he is 'meh' about porn, its ok to ask he doesn't do it, or he doesn't do it where you can see, or that he does do it where you can keep an eye on him... but to disallow something.

We have had a real "issue" in our relationship with porn in the past--looking at it in secret, having it on MY computer in secret without mentioning it, porn having a real effect on our sex life, etc. And FWIW, I had *no issue* with the porn until it got to the sneaking around and lying point. He knows that I constantly reserve the right (a right that I have only exercised once or twice) to look at the history on his computer at any time and he has to be OK with me looking at his email accounts at anytime.

Selfish? I suppose that I don't see "disallowing" things in a relationship as selfish--it's just part of the give and take and every couple has to decide those boundaries. I may "disallow" porn, I am "disallowed" from going out and say, purchasing a horse without discussing it with him first, even though I could afford to. Now, I think it would be kind of cool sometimes to go out and do something like purchase a horse without discussing it first, and I was a horse lover WAY before DH came into the picture, and if he didn't care one way or the other I might just go and do that. However, I know that it would upset him and at some point in a functional relationship respecting the other person's feeling has to be more important that my personal wants.

IMHO, it is FAR more selfish to know that something really upsets the other person and to just say "**** you, I'm doing it anyway." If that's going to be the attitude, why be in a relationship?

Also, I would fervently disagree with the idea that having more sex=less time looking at porn. If the person has an issue with it the amount of sex will often have little effect. Actually, in some cases excessive porn usage actually leads to a man becoming less interested with sex with his partner.

And FWIW, I find romance novels boring--give me a good mystery any day--lol.

 

[Dekka]

I did say it can cause problems. I had a friend and they were so broke she was picking up essential groceries with pennies from her penny jar and she found her bf had bought porn mags... That and she felt there wasn't enough sex in their relationship.

I don't think the answer would have been disallowing porn though. There are other issues going on that need addressing, like respect.

I still stand that it is selfish to automatically assume someone will stop something they really enjoy just cause you say so (for no valid reason, if its creating a problem then yes..)

If my hubby came up to me and said "I don't want you playing video games it bothers me" with no reason that it is hurting our relationship (just check out how many relationships WoW has had a hand in ruining...) Then it would be extreemly selfish on his part to assume I will just stop for no other reason than it bothers him. Now if it was affecting things then it should be dealt with, but likely that would involve other things and the excessive game play would be a symptom.

In every instance where porn has been a real problem (not a eww I dont' want him looking at it cause its icky) there have been other larger underlying problems in the relationship and porn was just one of the symptoms.

 

[adojrts]

My hub and I don't 'disallow' anything, we are not each others parents but we are team players in our marriage. We respect each other and treat each other like adults, we certainly don't tell each other what to do or how or when or ask for permission. Having said that, out of respect and consideration for each other we often ask for the others opinion and bounce things off of each other to get another view point and let them know what we are doing so it doesn't interfer with what they are doing or plans etc.

On a funny note, the joke around here is seeing how soon my hub clues in that there is a new horse here, longest it took him once was two weeks. My horses, I pay for them, I care for them and as long as it doesn't interfer with our household finances, he couldn't careless. Just as he doesn't have to ask me for permission to purchase a car or whatever.
Agreed that the porn probably has a bigger problem of trust and respect along with compete comunication within the relationship.

 

[wcladymacbeth]

If he kept it a secret, it would bother me, but I would also understand why it was a secret. It can be an embarrassing topic to bring up.

As it is, it doesn't bother me at all. I know he finds me attractive and he would take me over porn any day. If I'm ever not in the mood and he uses that to find release instead, well, that's just fine with me. It's not like an addiction or anything... that would be a whole different story if that was the case.

 

[xpaeanx]

I think the use(or overuse) of porn is something that does get put on a list of what you want in a prospective partner.

While I don't really mind porn, I certainly don't want a huge collection of DVDs and magazines lying around the house. If he pops online to one of those sites every so often, but it's not something that interfers with my day to day life, I don't care. If he doesn't watch it at all, I'm fine with that too.

But then, the want of someone who is not really in to porn is on my list of what I want in a guy... right along with no smoking, no drugs, must love dogs, must like camping, must not be lazy, must like geeky sci-fi stuff, etc...

 

[sparks19]

here is the thing about relationships....

what works for one couple does NOT work for the next couple.

some couples are fine with porn. some are not. some have seperate bank accounts and some don't. some want major purchases to be discussed and others don't feel it's nessecary.

but you have to do what works for you and your relationship. so an honest talk is the only to figure out if you can make it work or not

Good luck.

 

[skittledoo]

here is the thing about relationships....

what works for one couple does NOT work for the next couple.

some couples are fine with porn. some are not. some have seperate bank accounts and some don't. some want major purchases to be discussed and others don't feel it's nessecary.

but you have to do what works for you and your relationship. so an honest talk is the only to figure out if you can make it work or not

Good luck.

I second this

 

[~Jessie~]

I think the use(or overuse) of porn is something that does get put on a list of what you want in a prospective partner.

While I don't really mind porn, I certainly don't want a huge collection of DVDs and magazines lying around the house. If he pops online to one of those sites every so often, but it's not something that interfers with my day to day life, I don't care. If he doesn't watch it at all, I'm fine with that too.

But then, the want of someone who is not really in to porn is on my list of what I want in a guy... right along with no smoking, no drugs, must love dogs, must like camping, must not be lazy, must like geeky sci-fi stuff, etc...

I agree with this.

here is the thing about relationships....

what works for one couple does NOT work for the next couple.

some couples are fine with porn. some are not. some have seperate bank accounts and some don't. some want major purchases to be discussed and others don't feel it's nessecary.

but you have to do what works for you and your relationship. so an honest talk is the only to figure out if you can make it work or not

Good luck.

And this!

I borrowed my (at the time ex boyfriend's) laptop when mine crashed right before I had an assignment due during college. Anyway, I opened up his music collection to listen to something, and up pops a TON of porn. I guess he hit "download everything" on Limewire and there some really scary things on there.

But anyway, I couldn't deal with dating someone who is into porn, like Xpaeanx said. I think it's something that is important to be open about from the very beginning... like whether or not you want kids, religion, etc. Because if you get married and then the porn magazine subscriptions start rolling in and you're against porn, well, then it becomes a huge problem.

Anyway, I'm sure most guys are embarrassed about being confronted about finding porn... especially if it's on a cellphone :yikes: I don't like the idea of secrets, either, but I can definitely understand how he could be embarrassed. I'd definitely talk to him and tell him how you feel about it (and WHY you feel that way), and reach an agreement you can both agree with.

Hope this made some sort of sense. I'm hopped up on cold meds at the moment lol.

 

[skittledoo]

I personally can't date a guy who looks at porn regularly... I don't think I'm being unfair... that's just my preference... just like I can't date a guy who doesn't like dogs... etc etc

Now... if I was dating a guy who felt like he can't live without his porn dose then I'd be fair and end the relationship rather then try and force him to not look at his porn. But as far as porn in my relationship... I just don't want it.

Luckily for me Josh isn't really into that sort of thing. I'm sure he's looked at it before... and that doesn't bother me... but he definitely doesn't make it a habit of his. Both of us know how each other feel about the topic and we're definitely on the same page which works for us.

 

[stardogs]

Both of us know how each other feel about the topic and we're definitely on the same page which works for us.

And I think this is the key point - this is an issue that HAS to be discussed if you have strong feelings about it in your relationship. It's not something that you just ignore until you have a problem - that's not fair to either party if there are strong feelings either way.

 

[Dekka]

Now... if I was dating a guy who felt like he can't live without his porn dose then I'd be fair and end the relationship rather then try and force him to not look at his porn. But as far as porn in my relationship... I just don't want it.

this was pretty much my point. If you can't stand it, trying to make someone change something they enjoy builds resentment. You are far better off to let the person go than mold them into the person you want them to be.

 

[~Jessie~]

And I think this is the key point - this is an issue that HAS to be discussed if you have strong feelings about it in your relationship. It's not something that you just ignore until you have a problem - that's not fair to either party if there are strong feelings either way.

Exactly.

It's unfair for either person if you have issues with something that was brought into the relationship and ignored early on. It's important to be on the same page... especially if you disagree on issues that are important to one another.

It's the same as ANY potential relationship issue. If you date someone who hates dogs and you plan on having a breeding program, well yeah, that's a problem. If you date someone who drinks and does drugs regularly and you are against that sort of thing, that's a problem as well. Same way with porn.

I'm the same way, Skittle. I wouldn't want to be with someone who looked at porn, and I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't love dogs. I also wouldn't want to be with someone who was into reptiles... lol... or a super gamer. It's SO important to get these things out in the open, especially before a marriage or children are involved and crap hits the fan.

BTW, did anyone see the True Life on porn? It was so crazy.

 

[milos_mommy]

I think you need to ask these questions:

1) did you ever tell him you strongly disagree with people in relationships watching porn?
2) Was he keeping it a secret because he knew it would upset you, or because he was embarrassed or unsure?

If it was because he knew it would upset you, that's a BIG problem. It means he wasn't respecting your wishes. If he just wasn't telling you, that's not as bad as lying to you or going out of his way to make sure you didn't know.

If you have never expressly told him how you feel about porn, it's unfair to be angry (at him) about it. It's fair to be angry at the situation, but not at him, unless he knew you absolutely did not want him watching it.

If you've never discussed it in depth before, you need to look at why it's bothering you, tell him why it's bothering you, and both try to fix it. The answer there may or may not be him never looking at porn again....but if you've got big self esteem issues or are uncomfortable sexually, him never looking at porn isn't going to make all that go away.

 

[Dekka]

FWI info on porn (lol.. Its ok not to like, just like some people don't like dogs, but just to show porn isn't evil.. outside of some religious views)

Porn is shown to decrease rape and violent attacks.

Researchers from UC of San Diego and Berkeley have found that when violent movies are released, violent crime convictions drop in the hours of the showing. 6 hours after the movie violent crime drops even further. Other researchers from Northwestern University of Law have found that availability of Internet access and porn reduces rape incidents.

Does pornography breed rape? Do violent movies breed violent crime? Quite the opposite, it seems.

First, porn. What happens when more people view more of it? The rise of the Internet offers a gigantic natural experiment. Better yet, because Internet usage caught on at different times in different states, it offers 50 natural experiments.

The bottom line on these experiments is, "More Net access, less rape." A 10 percent increase in Net access yields about a 7.3 percent decrease in reported rapes. States that adopted the Internet quickly saw the biggest declines. And, according to Clemson professor Todd Kendall, the effects remain even after you control for all of the obvious confounding variables, such as alcohol consumption, police presence, poverty and unemployment rates, population density, and so forth.
Advertisement

OK, so we can at least tentatively conclude that Net access reduces rape. But that's a far cry from proving that porn access reduces rape. Maybe rape is down because the rapists are all indoors reading Slate or vandalizing Wikipedia. But professor Kendall points out that there is no similar effect of Internet access on homicide. It's hard to see how Wikipedia can deter rape without deterring other violent crimes at the same time. On the other hand, it's easy to imagine how porn might serve as a substitute for rape.

Proof that Internet porn prevents rape. - By Steven E. Landsburg - Slate Magazine

 

[~Tucker&Me~]

Thanks for your replies, everyone. They were much appreciated

He told me today that he is in the habit of watching it when he gets 'the urge', but that it is something he has been wanting to stop doing since our relationship started... So me finding out and not being happy about it has apparently given him the motivation to stop.

I have really thought a lot about the replies I have gotten and have decided that although I am not a fan and don't particularly love the idea of him looking at it, it doesn't bother me enough to want to give up on the relationship.

As for if he is actually going to stop... I am a little skeptical. I told him I would be alright with it if he did look but he seems as though he really plans on stopping so *shrug*

And as for me disallowing it or being judgmental about it... I really made an effort when I found out to not be accusatory. I didn't want to put him on the defensive, I really just wanted to understand. I might have come across angry - I was really shocked and a little emotional. However I don't believe that at any point I was accusing him or telling him he wasn't allowed to look at it or anything...

Overall, I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know if he will continue, if he will stop, or if he will continue without my knowledge. I told him that it made me feel self conscious, so he knows why I don't really like it. I know deep in my heart though that the best thing I can do for myself is to improve my self esteem, as that is where the problem with the porn stems. So no matter what he does, I can always be proactive and do what I can to boost my self image.

Anyway, that's all I can think to say tonight. Thanks again guys

 

[stardogs]

Tucker&Me: You rock! it sounds like you're handling this issue well and I'm glad that you two have opened the lines of communication - good on you for seeing past the initial shock and working to remedy it in a way that makes everyone comfortable.

 

[Dekka]

That does sound like a very mature way to look at it. And don't worry, even porn people don't really look like that lol. He is with you because he likes YOU!. Even if I wanted to I wouldn't want to look like the women in those mags, they look like they would have terrible balance lol.

 

[~Tucker&Me~]

Tucker&Me: You rock! it sounds like you're handling this issue well and I'm glad that you two have opened the lines of communication - good on you for seeing past the initial shock and working to remedy it in a way that makes everyone comfortable.

That does sound like a very mature way to look at it. And don't worry, even porn people don't really look like that lol. He is with you because he likes YOU!. Even if I wanted to I wouldn't want to look like the women in those mags, they look like they would have terrible balance lol.

Thanks guys, that means a lot! Yeah, after reading what a lot of people said, it made me realize that I might be looking at the situation too emotionally. So after taking a step back and clearing my head, I realized that I don't want to (and can't) make him change, and that if that was something he wanted to do, then it is unlikely that he will stop. So the bottom line really was, can I get over the porn to continue the relationship - does it mean enough to me? And the answer to that was definitely yes.

I have to admit I am quite happy about his decision though I am aware that he might continue looking at it, but the fact that he is cutting down and plans on stopping is nice. I think he realizes how it makes me feel and, like some said earlier, doesn't want to make me uncomfortable. It is so true about a relationship being a team effort, and BOTH parties compromising is so important.

Funny side note, when we had our chat, I told him it would be ok under a few 'rules' Which included him being honest with me about it, so if I asked if he was watching it he would tell me. Like someone mentioned, secrets are uncool. The other thing was that he better not be looking at anything illegal (like underage people, and like animals, and stuff...), and finally, he had to take down the background of his computer :lol-sign: It is this girl wearing virtually nothing, posing in a really suggestive way and pouting her lips off. I told him that everytime I am over at his place (all the time), I don't need the reminder of what he is looking at :rofl1: He just laughed and agreed. It was kind of a joke but I did secretly want it gone

 

[Renee750il]

I think the two of you have accomplished something that transcends the porn issue

 

[ACooper]

I think the two of you have accomplished something that transcends the porn issue

Couldn't agree more.

The fact that you could both talk about it like reasonable, rational, adults means far more than the issue of porn IMO..........and will most likely sustain the relationship if you keep the lines of communication going

*high fives*