Men & women, can they ever be only friends? Your thoughts
- Thread starter Dogdragoness
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Just wanted to give a hug to all the amazing, strong, survivor women on this thread. Hugs ladies, you’re amazing!
Dogdragoness, just wanted to tell you, love is not conditional.
If it comes with strings attached, its not love.
If it good only in certain circumstances, its not love.
If its to get you to behave a certain way, its not love.
If its to control you and what you’re able to do for yourself, its not love.
Dogdragoness, just wanted to tell you, love is not conditional.
If it comes with strings attached, its not love.
If it good only in certain circumstances, its not love.
If its to get you to behave a certain way, its not love.
If its to control you and what you’re able to do for yourself, its not love.
For those who have been in or are currently enduring a bad relationship, (((((HUGS))))). I hope you find the strength to move past or that things change for the better. This may sound odd, but with all the in-depth details of bad relationships on here, I feel the urge to post the description of what I feel are the hallmarks of a good relationship. My husband and I have been together for nearly 15 years, and are still blissfully happy with each other.
- Love is confident. You don't think twice about following your own inclinations and making your own path in life; you have confidence that you have the support and approval of your partner. You also don't worry that your S/O will do something that will hurt you. You are confident that your S/O honors you and your feelings, and would never willfully do anything to cause you pain.
- Love is respectful. You never do anything to intentionally humiliate, degrade, or belittle the other. Each of your opinions holds weight with the other. And when your relationship sometimes *does* require you to make concessions or do something you'd prefer not to do, it doesn't leave you with a sense of resentment or helplessness. You make the concession willingly, and with perhaps some contentment that you are making your S/O happy.
- Any type of boundaries, limitations, guidelines, or prearranged roles are set by mutual understanding, consent and respect. One NEVER bullies or cows the other into getting his/her way. There is NEVER a feeling of being trapped, helpless, hopeless, inferior, controlled, or coerced.
- Love is fearless. You will not always see eye to eye, but you are not afraid to voice your disagreement or speak your mind to each other. There is NEVER a fear of repercussions or retribution.
- You will each make small mistakes....we're only human....but you can forgive each other. You won't hold mistakes over each others' head as leverage or proof of your "superiority" over the other.
- You find mutual joy in taking care of each other. One doesn't leech off the other. You do what you can to make life easier and more enjoyable for each other.
- You love each other more as time goes on. Your wedding day/day you because "serious" isn't the happiest day of your life.....it's the gateway to the much better days that keep coming.
- Love is confident. You don't think twice about following your own inclinations and making your own path in life; you have confidence that you have the support and approval of your partner. You also don't worry that your S/O will do something that will hurt you. You are confident that your S/O honors you and your feelings, and would never willfully do anything to cause you pain.
- Love is respectful. You never do anything to intentionally humiliate, degrade, or belittle the other. Each of your opinions holds weight with the other. And when your relationship sometimes *does* require you to make concessions or do something you'd prefer not to do, it doesn't leave you with a sense of resentment or helplessness. You make the concession willingly, and with perhaps some contentment that you are making your S/O happy.
- Any type of boundaries, limitations, guidelines, or prearranged roles are set by mutual understanding, consent and respect. One NEVER bullies or cows the other into getting his/her way. There is NEVER a feeling of being trapped, helpless, hopeless, inferior, controlled, or coerced.
- Love is fearless. You will not always see eye to eye, but you are not afraid to voice your disagreement or speak your mind to each other. There is NEVER a fear of repercussions or retribution.
- You will each make small mistakes....we're only human....but you can forgive each other. You won't hold mistakes over each others' head as leverage or proof of your "superiority" over the other.
- You find mutual joy in taking care of each other. One doesn't leech off the other. You do what you can to make life easier and more enjoyable for each other.
- You love each other more as time goes on. Your wedding day/day you because "serious" isn't the happiest day of your life.....it's the gateway to the much better days that keep coming.
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:hail: Thank you for sharing that Gemp.
It's really reassuring to know that there are other ways to live. That abuse isn't the norm, that there are good normal people out there and it's totally possible to have a healthy relationship. I don't think I will ever trust a man enough to be in an intimate relationship ever again, I just can't put my kids in that kind of danger. But it's really reassuring to me that there are good men out there, and that this kind of relationship is possible. It means that some day, when my children are grown and ready to move into adulthood and get married and stuff, that they have a shot at finding a companion who will love, respect, and cherish them. That makes me really really happy.
It's really reassuring to know that there are other ways to live. That abuse isn't the norm, that there are good normal people out there and it's totally possible to have a healthy relationship. I don't think I will ever trust a man enough to be in an intimate relationship ever again, I just can't put my kids in that kind of danger. But it's really reassuring to me that there are good men out there, and that this kind of relationship is possible. It means that some day, when my children are grown and ready to move into adulthood and get married and stuff, that they have a shot at finding a companion who will love, respect, and cherish them. That makes me really really happy.
:hail::hail::hail:
It can happen to anyone. I've always said I would never be in an abusive relationship.
I dealt with his control issues. It caused a lot of issues because I'm not someone who likes checking in with people and being constantly watched.
I'm lucky that the one hit was enough to wake me up that I wasn't really happy in the relationship.
If anyone here is in a bad relationship and needs help leaving there are a TON of resources to help you.
And everyone here deserves better than that.
It can happen to anyone. I've always said I would never be in an abusive relationship.
I dealt with his control issues. It caused a lot of issues because I'm not someone who likes checking in with people and being constantly watched.
I'm lucky that the one hit was enough to wake me up that I wasn't really happy in the relationship.
If anyone here is in a bad relationship and needs help leaving there are a TON of resources to help you.
And everyone here deserves better than that.
:hail::hail::hail:
When you are in a bad relationship or an abusive relationship you start to think that THAT is the norm in a relationship. It's NOT... at all... EVER.
It's probably because I've been talking about it a lot the last couple of days but last night was one of the nights where I had the recurring dream of being back with my ex and stuck and all I wanted to try to do was call Brian to come and get m and take me back home and I couldn't no matter how hard I tried. Only this time I was pregnant in my dream :yikes: I HATE nights when I have those dreams. it leaves me feeling totally off all the next day and it can leave me feeling really needy and clingy with Brian.
I don't like that I went through the horrid relationship but it taught me a lot about myself and what I wanted for my future and a relationship. I still bare the scars from it and sometimes it still haunts me but when I wake up in the morning in OUR home, in OUR bed and I know that Brian is next to me or will be coming home to me after work it is such an intense sense of relief.
Everything you've said above, gempress, is very true. Good post
When you are in a bad relationship or an abusive relationship you start to think that THAT is the norm in a relationship. It's NOT... at all... EVER.
It's probably because I've been talking about it a lot the last couple of days but last night was one of the nights where I had the recurring dream of being back with my ex and stuck and all I wanted to try to do was call Brian to come and get m and take me back home and I couldn't no matter how hard I tried. Only this time I was pregnant in my dream :yikes: I HATE nights when I have those dreams. it leaves me feeling totally off all the next day and it can leave me feeling really needy and clingy with Brian.
I don't like that I went through the horrid relationship but it taught me a lot about myself and what I wanted for my future and a relationship. I still bare the scars from it and sometimes it still haunts me but when I wake up in the morning in OUR home, in OUR bed and I know that Brian is next to me or will be coming home to me after work it is such an intense sense of relief.
Everything you've said above, gempress, is very true. Good post
Leaving my jerk of an ex on the side of the road with all his crap was the best thing I ever did and really and truly was a turning point in my life.
*hugs* to all my sisters who are going through or have gone through the same thing. You are all goddesses and queens and deserve to be treated as such. Please don't accept anything less.
*hugs* to all my sisters who are going through or have gone through the same thing. You are all goddesses and queens and deserve to be treated as such. Please don't accept anything less.
I grew up being treated that way by both of my parents, but even so it never seemed *right* to me, perhaps partly because I saw my sister treated entirely differently, and I did get to occasionally spend time at friends' houses whose parents weren't that way.
And then there was always the example of my dogs
That always seemed like real love to me.
It still takes an intellectual effort to re-sort and reject the early programming though, and I've had my heart shattered enough times now that I don't think I'm willing to be anything more again than the girlfriend who gets up and goes home . . .
And then there was always the example of my dogs
That always seemed like real love to me. It still takes an intellectual effort to re-sort and reject the early programming though, and I've had my heart shattered enough times now that I don't think I'm willing to be anything more again than the girlfriend who gets up and goes home . . .
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This! My husband and I have hit some BAD bumps in the road and hes hurt me (left us out of the blue then we found out hes got Aspergers and he wasnt telling me everything going on was TOO much and he cracked)
We are now back to this and I can tell you having the above kind of relationship is amazing and you will KNOW if its the kind of relationship you are in.
Now that my husband realizes when I'm mad its not AT him he realizes he was just being a douche for leaving. He was so used to everyone being mad at him he didnt realize that someone can be mad FOR him.
We are now back to this and I can tell you having the above kind of relationship is amazing and you will KNOW if its the kind of relationship you are in.
Now that my husband realizes when I'm mad its not AT him he realizes he was just being a douche for leaving. He was so used to everyone being mad at him he didnt realize that someone can be mad FOR him.
I am thankful to have a friend (not going to use names sinse this is a public forum) who is going thru something similar as me, we talk thru email since her jerk bf has access to her PMs on FB.
But she has a slightly different situation she has started having "feelings" (her words for someone else, but she doesn't know how to leave her relationship since her bf can "turn it off & on" kind of like mine the diff is that he sometimes gets a tad phsyical (pushing).
It sounds to me like she is really starting to like this other guy but I don't know what to tell her ... Any suggestions on how she can get out safely since there is so much experience about this kind of thing?
But she has a slightly different situation she has started having "feelings" (her words for someone else, but she doesn't know how to leave her relationship since her bf can "turn it off & on" kind of like mine the diff is that he sometimes gets a tad phsyical (pushing).
It sounds to me like she is really starting to like this other guy but I don't know what to tell her ... Any suggestions on how she can get out safely since there is so much experience about this kind of thing?
I would do it while hes at work one day. Basically move out do NOT make it public ANYWHERE that shes planning this besides the people helping her. They have safe houses for people in DV situations and get a restraining order ASAP. Make sure she doesnt start packing or anything until hes gone and shes ready to GO. He will most likely notice something is up if things just start disapearing. If its HER place. double key deadbolt and a place to stay or people to stay with her until she can get a restraining order through.
I agree with this totally.
I have had TONS of guy friends. More than girls, they're easier to get along with. But the problem I had is they "think" they have feelings for me, and when those feelings aren't reciprocated it turns ugly and then the friendship ends which sucks
So, for me yes... but then... no not really lol
I have had TONS of guy friends. More than girls, they're easier to get along with. But the problem I had is they "think" they have feelings for me, and when those feelings aren't reciprocated it turns ugly and then the friendship ends
which sucks So, for me yes... but then... no not really
lol
I also just wanted to add....
Even if you have been through terrible and controlling relationships you can't take that out on future partners.
You can't do the whole "I can do whatever I want when I want and he better be fine with that or else he's out because I had a controlling ex and no one will control me again" That is NOT a good way to have a good relationship. You have to be willing to compromise on things because you love them and they love you and not because they are trying to control you but because they have feelings too.
Even if you have been through terrible and controlling relationships you can't take that out on future partners.
You can't do the whole "I can do whatever I want when I want and he better be fine with that or else he's out because I had a controlling ex and no one will control me again" That is NOT a good way to have a good relationship. You have to be willing to compromise on things because you love them and they love you and not because they are trying to control you but because they have feelings too.
Unless the danger is immediate and severe, it's smart to make a plan ahead of time.
If he's controlling her finances, that's something she needs to plan for. If she already has her own bank account that he can't access it's not as big of a deal. If he does have his fingers in it, her opening an account in secret and stashing a bit of money here and there is a good thing. Make sure no statements will be mailed to the address!
Also, have her take some time to gather any documentation of the abuse before she leaves if there's any letters/paperwork/photos/etc. that she would lose access to by leaving him. In order to get a protection order some courts want proof that abuse occurred or that threats were made. Any e-mails or whatever else works.
If there is a women's DV shelter in the area I'd get her in contact with an advocate. Even if she doesn't need to go into a shelter (like she has family to stay with or something), the advocates have a really good sense for the types of reactions an abuser is likely to have and will be really good support and help in making a safe plan for leaving her specific situation. Also, by working with DV advocates she will be starting a paper trail documenting the abuse which is really helpful in getting legal protection if he never sent her anything obvious like abusive threatening e-mails or texts that she can show the court.
But yeah, Darkchild has it right. It's best to go when he's not going to be around to see it.
If he's controlling her finances, that's something she needs to plan for. If she already has her own bank account that he can't access it's not as big of a deal. If he does have his fingers in it, her opening an account in secret and stashing a bit of money here and there is a good thing. Make sure no statements will be mailed to the address!
Also, have her take some time to gather any documentation of the abuse before she leaves if there's any letters/paperwork/photos/etc. that she would lose access to by leaving him. In order to get a protection order some courts want proof that abuse occurred or that threats were made. Any e-mails or whatever else works.
If there is a women's DV shelter in the area I'd get her in contact with an advocate. Even if she doesn't need to go into a shelter (like she has family to stay with or something), the advocates have a really good sense for the types of reactions an abuser is likely to have and will be really good support and help in making a safe plan for leaving her specific situation. Also, by working with DV advocates she will be starting a paper trail documenting the abuse which is really helpful in getting legal protection if he never sent her anything obvious like abusive threatening e-mails or texts that she can show the court.
But yeah, Darkchild has it right. It's best to go when he's not going to be around to see it.
I used to truly think so, but honestly, all my guy friends were gay except one and I completely fell in love with him, haha! And unfortunately it made things really awkward between us and we hardly talk. I never told him how I felt, but when I like someone I act really weird (I truly can't help it - I'll avoid them, and just act like I'm not interested in them at all to make up for how interested I actually am) and I think he kind of got the impression that I was either a freak or that I wasn't interested in being friends anymore. It sucks a lot because he was one of my best friends, and I miss him a lot.
I only read the first page.
I seem to always crush on my friends. I guess because its important to me to get along with potential partners, and personality is tantamount. Now that said, since my crushes almost never go anywhere, there are men I can return to just being friends with. Most of them never even know there was a crush to begin with, because I'm a bit shy and I never act on them. I don't know what it's like from the other side.
Then again, sometimes when you've tried a thing and found out it wont work, it makes it easier to be friends. I'm friends with my ex husband, but he's 6 hours away so its not like we hang around each other much. I'm not friends with any of my other exes, though. One of them tried to get back together with me, but I realized my perceptions have changed greatly since I was 17, and there is no interest. Not even in being friends.
Crushing hard on a co-worker right now. There are professional barriers which prohibit any, ah, intermingling. And just from listening when people talk, I hear he goes for a more picturesque woman than myself. But it's kind of nice having that stimulus. Makes work pleasant.
I seem to always crush on my friends. I guess because its important to me to get along with potential partners, and personality is tantamount. Now that said, since my crushes almost never go anywhere, there are men I can return to just being friends with. Most of them never even know there was a crush to begin with, because I'm a bit shy and I never act on them. I don't know what it's like from the other side.
Then again, sometimes when you've tried a thing and found out it wont work, it makes it easier to be friends. I'm friends with my ex husband, but he's 6 hours away so its not like we hang around each other much. I'm not friends with any of my other exes, though. One of them tried to get back together with me, but I realized my perceptions have changed greatly since I was 17, and there is no interest. Not even in being friends.
Crushing hard on a co-worker right now. There are professional barriers which prohibit any, ah, intermingling. And just from listening when people talk, I hear he goes for a more picturesque woman than myself. But it's kind of nice having that stimulus. Makes work pleasant.
this too!
I didnt think about the fact it could be more then just a gf/bf sharing a house thing if its even that. Also check the laws if they are sharing money on HOW the state is. Like Florida is a community property state anyone can take everything out of the account with no repercussions. I would contact a womans safe house and they will advise her of the laws and steps.
I didnt think about the fact it could be more then just a gf/bf sharing a house thing if its even that. Also check the laws if they are sharing money on HOW the state is. Like Florida is a community property state anyone can take everything out of the account with no repercussions. I would contact a womans safe house and they will advise her of the laws and steps.