Love

[zoe08]

It is was rude of him to say that.

But I don't think he was talking about ok, you gain 20 pounds....probably more like say you gain 100 pounds. If I married a guy and he gained 100 pounds or to a point he was morbidly obese (which is the picture associated with the term "cow"), then I would be pissed. Part of it is the physical appearance, but he has a wife and kids, and him being that overweight would cause serious health concerns and he should care more about his family than to let it get to that point.

 

[sparks19]

It is was rude of him to say that.

But I don't think he was talking about ok, you gain 20 pounds....probably more like say you gain 100 pounds. If I married a guy and he gained 100 pounds or to a point he was morbidly obese (which is the picture associated with the term "cow"), then I would be pissed. Part of it is the physical appearance, but he has a wife and kids, and him being that overweight would cause serious health concerns and he should care more about his family than to let it get to that point.

Right I get that. But would you just "stop loving him" because of it.

Being upset about it is one thing but to say you would just stop loving them ?

 

[noludoru]

Well I guess I am lucky. Brian loves my heart, my wit, who I am. Do I look like I did when we first met? No I don't. Does he look like he did when we first met? No he doesnt. I'm fatter, he is fatter, we are both greying, etc etc. But I can tell you that we both find each other to be vey sexy. Im not bragging. Just saying that this whole thong about not loving someone because they don't look the same anymore is kind of crazy to me. You aren't going to look 25 forever.

We are still physically attracted to each other even though we are now fat, grey, and balding. But his heart won't change. My heart won't change.

:hail::hail:

Exactly.

 

[sparks19]

Uhhhh i meant thing not thong lol

 

[skittledoo]

I agree with Sparks in every retrospect on this situation

 

[Fran101]

I didn't mean the normal aging stuff. I mean, growing old together, its natural, it happens lol
I mean the obvious and unhealthy things, just to clarify.

Love is a powerful thing. If you really love somebody, you love them regardless. I was referring to sexual attraction in my last confusing post lol not love.

Do I think my significant other would LOVE me regardless of weight, physical appearance, body hair etc..? Yes of course. but I don't want him to have to lol thats the point. I don't think being married, having kids etc.. is an excuse for me to let myself go. My mom didn't, grandmother didn't, aunts didn't etc.. etc.. its not an impossibility.

In other words, if my s/o came home on day and packed on 50 pounds. I certainly wouldn't be jumping for joy. He has no darn excuse lol we are young, you put it in the **** effort and so do i.

We will get old and grey, and I of course I don't expect him to look 19 forever. but I do expect him to put effort into his appearance because its important to our marriage and because I do the same for him.

This isn't the same for everybody, I know and respect that, some people don't care what they look like for their husbands, boyfriends, fiances etc.. Im not one of those people lol

its not about me thinking appearances are the MOST IMPORTANT thing in a relationship, they aren't. its that I think that, in my opinion, they are important.
It could be vanity, it could be a product of how I was raised and the women around me.. who knows lol

 

[Renee750il]

Bottom line is no one can second guess why he said it or how he meant it, or how the threat (even in jest) of the ice cream diet made him feel. Those are all answers that she's going to have to get directly from him, hopefully in a non-confrontational way. Face to face. Best to leave it alone until then and not fan the flames, pick the scab, you get the idea.

But please do consider that he is living in less-than-ideal circumstances and that can make people respond to things in ways they might not normally, like, say, feeling that a threat like that was really a back door way of saying, "I'm miserably unhappy and it's your fault because you aren't here," when there's absolutely nothing he can do about it right now and he'd much rather be home with his family.

Words don't always get taken they way you mean them, especially in a situation like that. Let it go for now. Time enough when he comes home to figure it out, although he will probably have forgotten all about it by then -- guys do that

 

[sparks19]

but to say "some people don't think it's important what they look like for their spouse" is kind of insulting.

I care that he finds me beautiful. He wants me to find him attractive and even though most times he doesn't think he looks good... I do.

BUT while I didn't mean to LET myself go... it happened. it happened to both of us. we got carried away with other things like life, our child, his great cooking lol

If being thin is important than that is fine but to say people who get fat just don't CARE well that's BS. We do care. we just have spouses who love us anyway and support us in our struggle.

people have different body types, different lifestyles and different issues in their lives that lead to body changes. and it's fine to want to stay skinny for your spouse... but if you did put on weight would you expect him to just STOP LOVING YOU?

I think that's the biggest issue.

it's not nessecarily about physical attraction or that you wouldn't be happy with it. It's one thing to have someone say "if you got fat I'd be upset" but it's another thing ENTIRELY to say "if you got fat I would stop loving you"

if you can't love someone anymore automatically because they put on weight... well... I don't even know what to say to that. Love is not unconditional but to put on weight and have your spouse just stop loving you tells me maybe they didn't REALLY love you anyway. find you less attractive? sure. stop LOVING you right then and there? no.

BUT to the OP. this needs to be hashed out in person. face to face.

EDIT to reply to renees post:

yes I agree that he is NOT in regular day to day circumstances so what he says should be taken with a grain of salt. sometimes we lash out at the ones we love the most because they are there and you know they will love you afterwards. He likely didn't really mean it but was just in a really tense situation and was really hurting and like I said before may have felt that you saying that you would eat ice cream and get fat was you blaming him that he wasn't there with you.

 

[Fran101]

Oh I certainly didn't mean that you didn't care, the sentence came off wrong, some people really don't care
but I didn't mean that all people that don't put a lot of effort into it don't care or that people who aren't in "perfect" shape don't care.

I just meant that there are some people who honest to goodness DO NOT GIVE A WEASLE what they look like for their s/o, and that I'm not one of those people.. most people (I would guess) aren't lol

if that makes any sense lol

and as I said, I wouldn't stop loving someone if they gained 100 pounds. Love is more than all that stuff, but I would be upset lol can't lie and say that I wouldn't be.. I would probably throw a fit and like you said, totally find him less attractive


I know im not making ANY sense lol I'm going to try this again when I'm right in the head lol

but yea, Love.. yes.
Wanna jump his bones? probably not.

and yea, it was a totally DOUCHEBAGGY thing to say. "If you get fat, I wouldn't love you".. that is BS right there. because deep down, I'm sure he would. hes just being a moron.

 

[sparks19]

Oh I certainly didn't mean that you didn't care, the sentence came off wrong, some people really don't care
but I didn't mean that all people that don't put a lot of effort into it don't care or that people who aren't in "perfect" shape don't care.

I just meant that there are some people who honest to goodness DO NOT GIVE A WEASLE what they look like for their s/o, and that I'm not one of those people.. most people (I would guess) aren't lol

if that makes any sense lol

and as I said, I wouldn't stop loving someone if they gained 100 pounds. Love is more than all that stuff, but I would be upset lol can't lie and say that I wouldn't be.. I would probably throw a fit and like you said, totally find him less attractive


I know im not making ANY sense lol I'm going to try this again when I'm right in the head lol

but yea, Love.. yes.
Wanna jump his bones? probably not.

and yea, it was a totally DOUCHEBAGGY thing to say. "If you get fat, I wouldn't love you".. that is BS right there. because deep down, I'm sure he would. hes just being a moron.

No I understand what you are saying really

the thing is most people don't just gain 100 pounds overnight and for the most part it's gradual so I think spouses don't notice AS much because it's a slow progression.

I know mine was mostly after hannah was born and I was at home with her and 90% of my time was spent on the couch with her either feeding or her fast asleep in my arms where I was scared to move lol. but before that I had put on weight. when I went back home the first time after moving here my dad mentioned how fat I was getting (yeah he's not subtle... good thing I'm not easily offended lol) and I'll admit my lifestyle changed and the comfort of being with someone who loved me no matter what I looked like made it easy to let go. not because I didn't care but just becasue it was just so easy to be with Brian.

then I had to move back home. it was stressful. my dad moved into my apartment and rented the other room after he sold his house. I had teddy with me and being in an apartment with such an active dog... I had to run him everyday for hours plus the stress... I lost a lot of weight. without trying. my dad didn't notice because he lived with me and saw me everyday. but Brian noticed becasue he only saw me on weekends

but when I moved back home and after I had hannah I gradually started to put on weight. again ... Brian saw me everyday so he really didn't notice it all at once.

so I think it's different with a spouse you live with because it's really a progression thing. but I know Brian still finds me attractive... even when I'm tired and not interested LOL.

actually... I'm more worried about the neurotic stuff lol. Brian really does love me even through all of that and vice versa but I think guys notice the whacko side of girls more than the progression of weight gain. if you are an emotional mess all the time I think they notice that more lol.

 

[milos_mommy]

I want to say gaining 20 lbs after you have a kid is different than getting married and gaining 60 lbs in a year because you don't care any more. Plenty of people care about their appearance and what their spouse thinks of them and still put on weight. I think it's wrong to purposely or knowingly "let yourself go" if you're in a serious relationship, not only because of the physical aspect but for health reasons, etc.

 

[Laurelin]

Most people don't gain weight because they don't care. It just happens due to whatever circumstances and hard times in that person's life. There's a myriad of things going on there usually that would cause someone to gain a bunch of weight within even a time as short as a year. It's just NOT that simple and it can be extremely hard to break that cycle. I put on quite a good deal of weight after my mom died and I had some depression issues. I knew when I had gained only 15 lbs but I still couldn't stop it. So I guess it was knowingly because I certainly did notice how much I'd gained back. I didn't stop gaining, not because I didn't care but because it was hard and I was struggling with a lot at that time in my life. I bet you could ask most overweight people why they gained weight and none would say 'because I just don't care how I look anymore'. To me that's silly.

I would HOPE a spouse or someone like that would be there to try to help instead of just tell me things I already know and tell me they didn't love me anymore because I 'let myself go'.

 

[skittledoo]

I have to agree with Laurelin as well on this... I used to be really skinny and fit... I got myself into a bad relationship and because I was so stressed out ALL the time I started to gain weight. I would try to eat right and work out, but I still gained the weight. Now I'm in a healthier relationship and I don't have as many stressful situations around me and I'm a lot less depressed and through that I've lost a lot of weight. I'm still nowhere near where I'd like to be, but one thing I know about Josh is he loves me for me not because of what weight I'm at.

I'll be honest. I felt a bit insecure around him at first because I was a pudge and he was skinny and a bit muscular. He has a super fast metabolism which I envy. But... when he first saw me he really liked me and I was a lot heavier than I am now... Would he like me to be fit and thinner than I am now? I'm sure he would... he doesn't like girls that are too skinny, but I could definitely slim down a bit more. But... whether I'm a little heavier or whether I'm slimmer... he definitely loves me

 

[RD]

I think love has conditions. There is almost always something a person can do to push another away. Always something a person can do to make another stop loving them.

Do I think what he said was incredibly shallow and unappreciative? Yep. I think that was a rude thing to say to you, especially when it's apparent that your reasons for loving him go beyond his physical appearance. Love doesn't have to be unconditional, but when it's based on something as fleeting as good looks, how can you expect the love to last when you are no longer young and beautiful? I definitely think it's something to talk about when you two are together in person.

Frankly, I don't like shallow people and probably couldn't be in a relationship with someone who cared a great deal about my constantly changing looks. If I was in a fire or something and my face, boobs and butt were burned off, I'd want to be with the person who would still love me even if I was a monster.

 

[CaliTerp07]

That's exactly how I'd feel about that, too. For me, if it was something he was serious about, that's a big enough issue for me that I'd be gone. If you're committed to someone and love them enough to marry them, in my opinion you better love them no matter what they look like. From what he said it does kind of sound that way, but when he's home you should definitely talk about it more with him.

I could see someone telling you in all honesty that they wouldn't find you as attractive if you changed dramatically in appearance - but wouldn't LOVE you? That's ****ed-up, in my opinion.

Do you see the irony there?

"I want my husband to love me unconditionally. If my husband doesn't love me unconditionally, I will leave him." (That's a condition, I think).

As humans, I don't think we're capable of unconditional love. The goal is to get there, absolutely. God loves us unconditionally, and love comes from God. The idea is to follow His example. We fail miserably though. The love of a parent comes close, but even that isn't fool proof.

I think it's important for women to try to keep their bodies attractive for their husbands (whatever that looks like, so long as its healthy and within reason). Men tend to be visual creatures. They show and desire love in physical ways. Obviously, life gets in the way an awful lot, and things happen and it's not always easy to stay in shape--but it's never okay to say, "Eh, I'm married, I don't ever have to wear makeup/work out/dress up for dates ever again". Our men appreciate that, and it's an act of love towards them to keep our appearances up as best we are able.

The same goes for our husbands, though. They can't come home and say, "Guess I never need to bring my wife flowers anymore, since we're married!" Nor can they suddenly forget how to make dinner date reservations, leave you a love letter, watch your kind of movie instead of the ball game, or whatever else makes you feel special and loved.

Bottom line is, whatever is important to your spouse is what you should be trying to do, in my opinion. Both husbands AND wives. When we struggle at that, hopefully our spouses show us grace and are patient with us as we get through the tough times. There should be no ultimatums in marriage--but we also shouldn't give our spouses reasons to give ultimatums.

opcorn:

 

[Laurelin]

I think love has conditions. There is almost always something a person can do to push another away. Always something a person can do to make another stop loving them.

Do I think what he said was incredibly shallow and unappreciative? Yep. I think that was a rude thing to say to you, especially when it's apparent that your reasons for loving him go beyond his physical appearance. Love doesn't have to be unconditional, but when it's based on something as fleeting as good looks, how can you expect the love to last when you are no longer young and beautiful? I definitely think it's something to talk about when you two are together in person.

Frankly, I don't like shallow people and probably couldn't be in a relationship with someone who cared a great deal about my constantly changing looks. If I was in a fire or something and my face, boobs and butt were burned off, I'd want to be with the person who would still love me even if I was a monster.

:hail::hail::hail:

After reading this I'm beginning to be really glad I'm single. :lol-sign:

 

[zoe08]

I just have to say that I think your spouse gaining an insanely large unhealthy amount of weight (without medical cause), and your spouse getting old and grey is completely different.

 

[noludoru]

Do you see the irony there?

"I want my husband to love me unconditionally. If my husband doesn't love me unconditionally, I will leave him." (That's a condition, I think).

As humans, I don't think we're capable of unconditional love.

I totally agree with you on the last bit - but I just don't think appearance should be a 'condition' of love. Attraction, sure - that can't be helped by anyone. But love? No. We all have our conditions, and they are definitely important things for both people to know about in the relationship, but not loving someone anymore because of the way they look just makes me sick.

I wouldn't stop loving someone if their appearance changed dramatically, and if they are the sort of person who would stop loving me because of that I wouldn't want anything to do with them. (I will admit that this is a topic I'm particularly insecure about in my personal life. . .) If they cheated on me, I might not love them anymore. If they beat up my dog, I definitely wouldn't love them anymore. Not loving someone because of a change in their appearance is ridiculous, though, and it's not a love I would want in the first place.

 

[~Jessie~]

I agree with Sparks, Nolu, Laur, etc... how can you stop loving someone because of how they look? :yikes:

It's one thing if their personality changes for the worse, affecting their looks. Like... say your husband decided to gain 200lbs in a year because he really wanted to be on Biggest Loser for fun. LOL. Or your wife loved Twilight and found a group of friends who all tattooed Edward on their backs. Or your husband decided he didn't want to shower or shave anymore because he had some environmental revelation.

THEN I can understand being upset. lol.

But gaining some weight? Getting old and grey? Not botoxing your wrinkles?

Those aren't reasons to not love a person anymore.

If you loved the person before, you should love them even more as time goes on.

 

[PWCorgi]

Or your wife loved Twilight and found a group of friends who all tattooed Edward on their backs.

Now THAT, IMO, is grounds for not loving someone anymore :rofl1: