Love
- Thread starter LilahRoot
- Start date
I agree completely
find them less physically attractive? yeah I can see that. But to just stop LOVING them because they gained weight or lost their hair? no. that's a fickle kind of love that I just have no time or patience for. In fact I'm not even sure that's love at all... more like lust.
I don't think you should just give up on yourself and never get dressed up or anything but if I don't wear make up everyday I'd hope my husband wouldn't be like "OH MAN natural skin? I don't love you anymore" I'd like to believe that marriages are made of stronger stuff than that.
I do have a feeling though that perhaps the OP's husband was just lashing out. had a bad day or felt like she was placing blame on him or something and that he probably doesn't REALLY feel that way. we all say things we don't really mean sometimes that end up hurting someones feelings
find them less physically attractive? yeah I can see that. But to just stop LOVING them because they gained weight or lost their hair? no. that's a fickle kind of love that I just have no time or patience for. In fact I'm not even sure that's love at all... more like lust.
I don't think you should just give up on yourself and never get dressed up or anything but if I don't wear make up everyday I'd hope my husband wouldn't be like "OH MAN natural skin? I don't love you anymore" I'd like to believe that marriages are made of stronger stuff than that.
I do have a feeling though that perhaps the OP's husband was just lashing out. had a bad day or felt like she was placing blame on him or something and that he probably doesn't REALLY feel that way. we all say things we don't really mean sometimes that end up hurting someones feelings
I haven't really read everyone's response...but here is my take...
was it insensitive & just unnecessary? Yes.
Worth fighting over? No.
As to the unconditional part...
For me, obesity IS a deal-breaker. Unless it is like some extremely rare disease that truly is causing the person to uncontrollably gain weight...then I would still love them. But for me, health is my job & my passion. Unfortunately, obesity is a side effect of being unhealthy & it is the unhealthiness that bothers me. If my bf told me he was never gonna work out again & was just gonna stop caring about what he ate, I would honestly, 100% break up with him. Not only does that clash way too much with my lifestyle, but I would also find it inconsiderate to me & him. When I'm older, I want to be able to stay active & travel...that just would be highly reduced if my partner was super unhealthy. I also know how many horrible side effects there are to obesity & really do not want my life to be spent taking care of someone who just neglected to take care of themselves.
This does not mean that I would not take care of a loved one if something totally out of their control happened (such as a spinal cord injury or something), or they got really sick. the CONTROLLABLE aspect of it to me is what makes it something that could be a deal breaker. I have gotten on my ex-bf's back for not working out, and would not hesitate to do it again in a future relationship. In turn, I would hope that my partner would get on my back if I started gaining weight & stopped working out.
Just wanted to add...as hard as it is to separate...the gaining weight thing has nothing to do with LOOKS. I'm fine with balding, aging, whatever. I absolutely don't think looks should be a condition of love
was it insensitive & just unnecessary? Yes.
Worth fighting over? No.
As to the unconditional part...
For me, obesity IS a deal-breaker. Unless it is like some extremely rare disease that truly is causing the person to uncontrollably gain weight...then I would still love them. But for me, health is my job & my passion. Unfortunately, obesity is a side effect of being unhealthy & it is the unhealthiness that bothers me. If my bf told me he was never gonna work out again & was just gonna stop caring about what he ate, I would honestly, 100% break up with him. Not only does that clash way too much with my lifestyle, but I would also find it inconsiderate to me & him. When I'm older, I want to be able to stay active & travel...that just would be highly reduced if my partner was super unhealthy. I also know how many horrible side effects there are to obesity & really do not want my life to be spent taking care of someone who just neglected to take care of themselves.
This does not mean that I would not take care of a loved one if something totally out of their control happened (such as a spinal cord injury or something), or they got really sick. the CONTROLLABLE aspect of it to me is what makes it something that could be a deal breaker. I have gotten on my ex-bf's back for not working out, and would not hesitate to do it again in a future relationship. In turn, I would hope that my partner would get on my back if I started gaining weight & stopped working out.
Just wanted to add...as hard as it is to separate...the gaining weight thing has nothing to do with LOOKS. I'm fine with balding, aging, whatever. I absolutely don't think looks should be a condition of love
Don't agree. I can agree there is no unconditional romantic love (between partners) out there........at least none that I've ever seen, but I know personally there IS unconditional love of a parent to a child.
There is nothing in this world, NOTHING, that my child could do to make me stop loving them. They could be an ax murderer, and I'd still love them. They could try to kill ME, and as long as I have breath, I'd still love them. That's not saying I'd like their choices, or wouldn't be disappointed, or most likely blame myself in someway, but the love will NEVER be gone. Never.
I love Kevin with every beat of my heart, every breath in my body.........but I'm not naive enough to think he couldn't destroy that love. There are conditions like honesty, trust, fidelity. It would hurt like he!! to walk away, and that pain would last a long long time.......but eventually, I know I could go on. Not so with one of my children.
There is nothing in this world, NOTHING, that my child could do to make me stop loving them. They could be an ax murderer, and I'd still love them. They could try to kill ME, and as long as I have breath, I'd still love them. That's not saying I'd like their choices, or wouldn't be disappointed, or most likely blame myself in someway, but the love will NEVER be gone. Never.
I love Kevin with every beat of my heart, every breath in my body.........but I'm not naive enough to think he couldn't destroy that love. There are conditions like honesty, trust, fidelity. It would hurt like he!! to walk away, and that pain would last a long long time.......but eventually, I know I could go on. Not so with one of my children.
I'm obviously not a parent, so I am ill-equipped to counter your statement. The sermon in church a couple months ago was on this though. Parental love is about as close as you'll ever get to the unconditional love that God as for us, but as a Christian it's pretty self-centered to think that I (as a pathetic sinner) am capable of loving as fully and unconditionally as God.
I think the bottom line is that while there is nothing that will stop you from loving your child, we are still imperfect in our love.
I dunno, again...I don't really think I can argue since I don't have children.
I think the bottom line is that while there is nothing that will stop you from loving your child, we are still imperfect in our love.
I dunno, again...I don't really think I can argue since I don't have children.
Oh, I'm not comparing or trying to say that I am capable of loving my children in the exact way God loves us. Like you say you aren't a parent and don't know that kind of love, I am not God and therefore don't know what he feels when he looks at us.
How does he feel when we disappoint him? Does he even feel disappointment? IDK. I know my children can disappoint me, they have with bad decisions and I'm sure they will again. Nothing we don't get past, and won't get past with future mistakes. There lies the human part IMO........they can definitely hurt my feelings and disappoint at times, but that has nothing to do with the love I feel for them and I've never once doubted the love I have for them. I would die for anyone of them, of that I have no doubt.
EDIT: And no Nolu.......loving your dog doesn't even come CLOSE, LOL, though I do love Phoebe and Orson bunches and bunches, not the same
How does he feel when we disappoint him? Does he even feel disappointment? IDK. I know my children can disappoint me, they have with bad decisions and I'm sure they will again. Nothing we don't get past, and won't get past with future mistakes. There lies the human part IMO........they can definitely hurt my feelings and disappoint at times, but that has nothing to do with the love I feel for them and I've never once doubted the love I have for them. I would die for anyone of them, of that I have no doubt.
EDIT: And no Nolu.......loving your dog doesn't even come CLOSE, LOL, though I do love Phoebe and Orson bunches and bunches, not the same
You can argue it theoretically - you do have Little Miss Lucy, and loving pets is similar - although not the same - as loving a child.
And yes, I'm encouraging this debate because I'm finding it fascinating.
And yes, I'm encouraging this debate because I'm finding it fascinating.
I will agree that there is nothing a child can do that will make a (good) parent stop loving them entirely. I suppose that's the technical definition of "unconditional", so I'll go along with it. I was thinking more along the lines of loving someone perfectly, which I don't think we're capable of. There is always something a spouse or a child can do that will anger us, and we are bound to act in selfish ways at some point.
I don't think that there is a global right or wrong answer to this.
For ME, it would not be okay if a spouse or SO said (or felt) that. Body image is a sensitive topic for me, and I have to be with someone who accepts me for me and wouldn't find me unattractive or stop loving me if I gained some weight. I don't mind if an SO puts on a few (we usually do it together, lol, and then get motivated again to lose it together).
On the other hand, I have a very close friend who is and has always been in amazing shape (even after having kids!). She owns a fitness studio. She would not be in a relationship with someone who didn't feel the same way about physical appearance and physical fitness as she. In my opinion (not that she's asked for it), I think that's totally fair, too. We just have different priorities (and we're also both fairly upfront about them, lol).
In the OP's case, I do think that there are some pretty significant extenuating circumstances here. I'm sorry, ((((Lilah))))).
For ME, it would not be okay if a spouse or SO said (or felt) that. Body image is a sensitive topic for me, and I have to be with someone who accepts me for me and wouldn't find me unattractive or stop loving me if I gained some weight. I don't mind if an SO puts on a few (we usually do it together, lol, and then get motivated again to lose it together).
On the other hand, I have a very close friend who is and has always been in amazing shape (even after having kids!). She owns a fitness studio. She would not be in a relationship with someone who didn't feel the same way about physical appearance and physical fitness as she. In my opinion (not that she's asked for it), I think that's totally fair, too. We just have different priorities (and we're also both fairly upfront about them, lol).
In the OP's case, I do think that there are some pretty significant extenuating circumstances here. I'm sorry, ((((Lilah))))).
Ok, I really appreciate everyone's posts.
Especially sparks. Honestly, you said everything that I was thinking and TRYING to say, but just couldn't find the words.
As for him just saying something to lash out since he is in a stressful environment: he is having the time of his life over there. He loves it! He has been promoted TWO times already because he is doing such a great job which also boosts his ego which in turn makes him even happier. So, no it wasn't said out of anger/resentment.
I OTOH was definitely joking about eating nothing but ice cream and getting super fat. He knows that since he has been gone it has been a struggle for me to feed myself. I am a social eater and when there aren't other people to cook for or enjoy meals with it's a struggle to just make myself a burger or a sandwich.
I really appreciate all of the comforting words and thoughts on this. I just could NOT fathom not loving my spouse anymore because of something so shallow and something that could be changed/worked on. You know?
Especially sparks. Honestly, you said everything that I was thinking and TRYING to say, but just couldn't find the words.
As for him just saying something to lash out since he is in a stressful environment: he is having the time of his life over there. He loves it! He has been promoted TWO times already because he is doing such a great job which also boosts his ego which in turn makes him even happier. So, no it wasn't said out of anger/resentment.
I OTOH was definitely joking about eating nothing but ice cream and getting super fat. He knows that since he has been gone it has been a struggle for me to feed myself. I am a social eater and when there aren't other people to cook for or enjoy meals with it's a struggle to just make myself a burger or a sandwich.
I really appreciate all of the comforting words and thoughts on this. I just could NOT fathom not loving my spouse anymore because of something so shallow and something that could be changed/worked on. You know?