Do you want a kid/kids?
- Thread starter ~Jessie~
- Start date
There are ways that are conducive to children, and many, many ways that are not.
One could not volunteer at a school if they had their own kid, because their own kid needs schlepped to sports practice or music lessons after school. One could not lead Wednesday night Bible studies, because they can't disappear for 3 hours each week and leave younger kids at home to fend for themselves. One could not volunteer to tutor the inner city kids, because it's not safe for young kids to be in that area. One could not volunteer to feed the homeless, because they have an 18 and up age restriction on volunteers.
My parents were fabulous volunteer examples to me growing up. But even with the most loving desire to help others, they still were only able to carve out 1-2 hours a week to volunteer at the animal shelter on Sundays. Mon-Sat they were schlepping my sister and I around town to soccer practices, out of town tournaments, music lessons, karate class, helping with homework, cooking dinner, etc. Without kids, I have the luxury of buying premade meals and eating in my car on the way from work to volunteering. I drop Lucy at day care and don't pick her up until 7 pm. Anyone who did that with their kid would be considered a neglectful parent (and rightly so).
One could not volunteer at a school if they had their own kid, because their own kid needs schlepped to sports practice or music lessons after school. One could not lead Wednesday night Bible studies, because they can't disappear for 3 hours each week and leave younger kids at home to fend for themselves. One could not volunteer to tutor the inner city kids, because it's not safe for young kids to be in that area. One could not volunteer to feed the homeless, because they have an 18 and up age restriction on volunteers.
My parents were fabulous volunteer examples to me growing up. But even with the most loving desire to help others, they still were only able to carve out 1-2 hours a week to volunteer at the animal shelter on Sundays. Mon-Sat they were schlepping my sister and I around town to soccer practices, out of town tournaments, music lessons, karate class, helping with homework, cooking dinner, etc. Without kids, I have the luxury of buying premade meals and eating in my car on the way from work to volunteering. I drop Lucy at day care and don't pick her up until 7 pm. Anyone who did that with their kid would be considered a neglectful parent (and rightly so).
I don't understand why people with children care SO much about other people not having them. I have one. I LOVE her to death but I can totally understand not wanting one. Sometimes when I have having a hard time I just look at my husband and say "Why did we have kids again?" It's totally in jest and I am exaggerating (before anyone goes all "you're a horrible mom!" on me) but I can understand why someone would want to forgo that. I would worry about growing old alone, though. My mom has to help my grandmother SO MUCH. She has lost all her other children and her husband. What on Earth would she do without my mom? That's all I worry about.
But seriously, I don't CARE if you don't want kids. Why would anyone CARE? That's just utterly ridiculous. I will however say that I am offended by the stupid implications being made about parenting like you can't have a meaningful life outside of your kids, or help people outside of your family, or retain your identity. Those things are up to you NOT your kids. You can let your life become strictly about them and let them take your identity away from you or you can resolve not to do that.
But seriously, I don't CARE if you don't want kids. Why would anyone CARE? That's just utterly ridiculous. I will however say that I am offended by the stupid implications being made about parenting like you can't have a meaningful life outside of your kids, or help people outside of your family, or retain your identity. Those things are up to you NOT your kids. You can let your life become strictly about them and let them take your identity away from you or you can resolve not to do that.
I don't find the decision to not have a kid selfish in the least. Why should someone who doesn't want a child have one just because they "should" (in quotes, as I don't share the belief that it is someone's duty to procreate). How horrible for a child to grow up in a house where they're resented.. I also don't believe that everyone who has a kid who may not have wanted one will magically turn to an outlook of sunshine and roses when their kid is born. Some people resent their kids.
As far as kids changing the outlook on life..I don't know. I think I'm the same as I was before having Clive. I don't think having him has made me better or that my life is better or worse than it was before. It's really the same...there's just an extra little person in my life
Now Clive is pretty delightful (his loathing of sleeping through the night aside )..he's funny, smart and pretty entertaining. But, his being a cute kid doesn't somehow mean that everyone should have one or that he should make everyone like kids.
I think it's probably like Labs...no matter how many Lab owners tell me how smart, great and awesome their dogs are, I'm never, ever going to have one in my house
As far as kids changing the outlook on life..I don't know. I think I'm the same as I was before having Clive. I don't think having him has made me better or that my life is better or worse than it was before. It's really the same...there's just an extra little person in my life
Now Clive is pretty delightful (his loathing of sleeping through the night aside
)..he's funny, smart and pretty entertaining. But, his being a cute kid doesn't somehow mean that everyone should have one or that he should make everyone like kids. I think it's probably like Labs...no matter how many Lab owners tell me how smart, great and awesome their dogs are, I'm never, ever going to have one in my house
I volunteered in my son's classes in elementary school and still was able to take my kids to swim team, piano lessons, karate or whatever else they were taking at the time. It was during school hours I volunteered.
I also could disappear on a week night for something because the kid's father would be home.
Why is it impossible to do all kinds of other things if you have kids? LOL.
IMO..
Just because something is a good fit for you, doesn't mean its a good fit for someone else. The "so-called" one size fits all, does NOT apply to life, and what paths people choose to go down.
I'm in a category it seems all by myself, I do NOT want biological children, but I would love to adopt, or be a "step-mother". Not everyone can or wants to do that but I DO and I think that, that in its self makes me a "special" kind of person, and the way I see it, if someone doesn't like the way I choose to live my life, or the choices I choose to make, then they don't have to be a part of it..
-my .02 cents
Just because something is a good fit for you, doesn't mean its a good fit for someone else. The "so-called" one size fits all, does NOT apply to life, and what paths people choose to go down.
I'm in a category it seems all by myself, I do NOT want biological children, but I would love to adopt, or be a "step-mother". Not everyone can or wants to do that but I DO and I think that, that in its self makes me a "special" kind of person, and the way I see it, if someone doesn't like the way I choose to live my life, or the choices I choose to make, then they don't have to be a part of it..
-my .02 cents
I think it's probably like Labs...no matter how many Lab owners tell me how smart, great and awesome their dogs are, I'm never, ever going to have one in my house
I'm meh on the matter. I used to not like kids at all, then I did some babysitting for some really lovely young boys (2 and 4 when I started) and I really enjoyed them... but not enough to make me want my own, entirely. I'm good with kids and I like them, neutral to the idea of having them.
AFA people losing their identities, I've seen it and it's weird - and one of the things that turns me off of motherhood. Then again, I've seen women who keep on keepin' on in dog sports, and even involve their kids when the kids are old enough, and I think that's baller.
Also, what's all this talk of "losing your name" when you get married, ladies?! You don't have to change your name if you don't want to. I certainly won't be if I ever tie the knot.
Anyway, I get that for some people, having a surprise child was life changing in a positive way, and that's great. You know what? Having an independent but easily motivated dog has changed me a as dog person - for the better. I'm a better trainer and a better handler for it, but that doesn't mean I go around telling people they really need to go out and get a self-interested, hard ass of a dog, because, no really, REALLY, it will make them "better." Sorry for another dog analogy, but look where we are, after all, lol.
We have to respect the choices that are right for other people. Kids, no kids, Labs, corgi, coolies, mastiffs... LOL.
I think I could be fulfilled and happy without ever having children, or hell, even getting married. At this point, I'm very content on that front, no desire to even date right now, to be honest. That might change. Who knows?
Also, what's all this talk of "losing your name" when you get married, ladies?! You don't have to change your name if you don't want to. I certainly won't be if I ever tie the knot.
To be fair to all involved, Matt and I were dealing with other problems at the time, so feeling like I lost my identity was really just icing on an extremely crappy six months. If we're going by the logic in this thread I should probably tell all of you that it's SO MUCH BETTER to start your marriage on the rocks because mine is really strong because of it. *plants tongue in cheek*
I am getting at the same thing there. It goes both ways. I have a really bad head ache so my wording wasn't the best. People who don't want kids say just as many belitting things to get their point across a lot of the time. I don't care if you do want kids either because I am not you. it doesn't effect me. I don't care if someone wants to own dogs, dye their hair blue or wear dresses I don't like. it isn't a backwards statement.
but it is not very nice to say that I am a shell of my former person or parents resent their children for a ll that they missed out on. I don't want to be lumped in a group that misrepresents me anymore than you do. Just like people who don't want kids aren't evil, selfish people with no fufillment. I don't think there is anything wrong with not wanting kids and people are capable of having very fufilling lives without them. Can I fully relate? Not at all. My happiness does come from my child... but I'm not saying yours should.
but it is not very nice to say that I am a shell of my former person or parents resent their children for a ll that they missed out on. I don't want to be lumped in a group that misrepresents me anymore than you do. Just like people who don't want kids aren't evil, selfish people with no fufillment. I don't think there is anything wrong with not wanting kids and people are capable of having very fufilling lives without them. Can I fully relate? Not at all. My happiness does come from my child... but I'm not saying yours should.
I changed my last name when I married...and honestly I like my maiden name more than my married name lol. But I didn't really care, it meant a lot to my hubby though he would have survived if I hadn't made the change, and it was an easy time in my life to make the change. Now it would be much more difficult, professionally.
Besides I figured it would be easier if we had kids if we both had the same last name lol. Hyphenating my maiden name would have been a nightmare, and I didn't relish having to explain the kid was my kid despite having different last names (or hubby having to do that).
Besides I figured it would be easier if we had kids if we both had the same last name lol
. Hyphenating my maiden name would have been a nightmare, and I didn't relish having to explain the kid was my kid despite having different last names (or hubby having to do that).
My mom is an only child so she didn't want to loose her last name. My dad was totally willing to change his but the amount of hoops guys had to jump through to do that was too much so my mom just added his name onto hers. I love having a hyphenated last name, that way if I don't really want to give my real name out I just pick one and go with that.
When I was little though I had to be bribed with the Lion King DVD to write my whole name out at school. And I think it's been butchered more ways than I thought possible by school computer systems.
When I was little though I had to be bribed with the Lion King DVD to write my whole name out at school. And I think it's been butchered more ways than I thought possible by school computer systems.