I can't stand jealous women

We've been together (living) going on 18 years and we've been married for 14 years, a happy marriage with it's normal bumps in the road but mange to work through them and growing stronger together.

To me there's nothing wrong with Cali's rule. And Dekka, the saddest thing you've read on the internet? Really?

Anyway, for us it's just something we've talked about a long time ago. I've been with a jealous man in the past, so believe me when I say my husband isn't the jealous type. Sure he might have his moments here and there, so do I and so does anyone. Our understanding of being friends with the opposite sex only is in group setting. The verbal intimacy shared with another man is what I don't want to get into. If I need to share something I want my husband to be the first to know.

As to the OP, why did he feel compelled to share all this with you? It strikes me oddly that he's willing to talk about his wife to others that way instead of working it out with her.

ETA: I was also going to mention that one of my good friend is a gay man, he's been in a long term relation and lives next door. He's more like a brother to me and love him dearly. My husband refers him as my gay husband. So yah, opposite sex friend with him, in our relationship is ok.

It may be that he CAN'T talk to his wife about it. There are people out there with whom you just can't reason.

"Saddest thing in a while" and yes to me it is. I treasure my friends, I would hate to think I would have to choose between my husband and my friends. As I said I am happy it works for people, but I think of all the things my hubby wouldn't be able to enjoy, all the places he wouldn't have been able to go, if he wasn't allowed to be alone with a female friend.

To think what people might loose out on... yes it makes me sad. For ME life is to short as it is, and good close friends so few and far between to make limits.

You're right and to me my closest friend is my husband. I have a few close girlfriends but none come close to the one I have with my husband and to ME it wouldn't be as close if I felt like I had to share my deepest feelings with another man besides my husband.

I don't think I would share things with others before him... like you said. But that is a far cry from not being able to go out in the woods geocaching, or sitting in the kitchen over tea with a close friend (regardless of gender)

I've only known him for a little over 3 years and he's been married for longer than that. He said that she's been insecure like this since he knew her, but it got worse once they moved in together (marriage). They didn't live together first and I know a lot of stuff he didn't know popped up. She's been weird with me since I've known him. She mentioned before that he wasn't allowed to drive anywhere with me (even though there were never any plans it was just something she brought up).

Renee answered it perfectly. He can't talk to her. He tries to talk to her and she doesn't listen to him, and then justifies why she is right. Their marriage is pretty terrible because of how she treats him. He's the type of guy who would never cheat or hurt her, so her insecurity is really odd. I'm sure he probably told her he thought it was odd she wanted him to take the kid, and then she shrugged it off.

I see a couple of issues with the couple in the OP that don't have anything to do with what gender their friends are.

One is... was she like this before they got married? if she was then why did he marry her? he obviously couldn't have had that big of a problem with the conditions.

two is... why do they just keep defying each other instead of dealing with the issue? He knows she has a problem with it but he does it anyway without any regard to her feelings. She needs to have more respect for his feelings and not be passive aggressive. the idea of "allowed/ not allowed" is recipe for disaster. They need to come to some sort of mutual agreement instead of constantly fighting each other.

I know this is from a few pages ago, but I've been reading through this thread and this is the thought that keeps running through my mind, so I'm quoting you Jessie

Even if the rules set are mutual, that just shows a mutual lack of trust as the root issue, IMO.

I'm generally more comfortable around my guy friends than girls (lets face it, girls often bring drama), and it has nothing to do with their "bits". They're just easier to hang around and I am more relaxed around them. Matt understands this fully, thank God, and often refers to me as "one of the guys".

Oh, and as a side note, I'd have a really hard time setting any rule about Matt not spending time with members of the opposite sex alone, as his partner at work is a woman, and he often winds up working with other women when he takes an overtime shift. 12 hours, day and night, sometimes with other people around (patients, in a hospital, in public, whatever), but often they are in the truck alone, or at the station alone. I can't imagine trying to restrict him in any way like that.

I'm really not sure. I'm not their marriage counselor. I generally try NOT to talk about his personal life because it sounds like it's pretty crappy and the conversations tend to go down hill once we talk about it.

They don't have any "rules" that I've heard of so they're not defying each other. I doubt "not talking to girls" was one of their conditions for marriage. From the sounds of his relationship, she was his first "real" girlfriend who was also long distance. They didn't live together before getting married so he probably didn't know what he was getting in to.

I let him borrow something before I went on vacation, and he came to pick it up while Ian and I were sitting down to dinner. Then he came to drop it off after he got home from work and his wife shoved him the baby. He lives less than 5 minutes from my house and had to take his kid with him to complicate his drive.

Like I said, she's had insecurity issues for a long time. Unfortunately they have a kid together and have to deal with each other and their marriage. He has talked to her about a lot of issues and she doesn't listen to him. He won't get a divorce because he cares too much about his daughter and keeping his family together.

You may feel that way, and it's your opinion and you may not understand it. For us it's a mutual respect, not lack of trust.

And I wonder sometimes why some women have such a difficult time being around each other. I don't get it. I guess I'm a girls girl and need that time with them.

Honestly, until this thread came up I'd never even thought of that sort of rule. First off, Lauren rents from a good friend of mine. I have no issues with this, on the contrary I was very encouraging. He had somewhere she could live and I didn't.

On the other end, I go to our training group, which consists almost entirely of women my age, whether or not Lauren can make it. I consider them all friends and I hang out with them both with and without Lauren. Heck I've even had drinks with a couple of them before.

I really think it's a non-issue, at least for us. I would never cheat on Lauren, period, and I know she's the same. I don't even feel uncomfortable when she's with guys because of that.

This. Heck, the guy I am in a relationship with is gone away for 4 months, on a road trip. Throughout it, he is crashing at friends houses where he can, many of them being girls. Girls that I have never met, even.

I have not been sitting here fretting about it. If he does anything, then it is on him. I am not going to sit here thinking what if, that is silly. He knows that I am here and hang around with mostly guys... is he worried? Not at all.

Interesting thread and as I was reading the thought of walking a mile or two in someone's moccasins before judging their choices comes to mind....

Probably the wisest thing said throughout though:
Doesn't matter if he can or can't talk to his wife about it, talking about his marital problems with another woman rarely ends well. Unless said woman is a therapist or divorce lawyer

Cousins are totally fine, because they're family. We've got some cousins who aren't genetically "ours" but the emotional family tie is so close they might as well be. I don't have any close male friends like that who don't fall into the cousin category. Robert doesn't have any close female friends like that either. There are probably less than 10 people in the world we're that close to, and honestly they are all mutual friendships and we're fine with the other person being alone with them. It almost never comes up though, since they are mutual friendships and we usually socialize with them together (like have them over for dinner or meet them somewhere together).

It's one of the perks of marrying your best friend. I can see something like that being pretty restrictive to an extrovert though. We're both pretty darn introverted.

Not sure what you're implying, but he didn't just dive into how weird it was. I appologized to him for rory being annoying. I told him had I known he was bringing his kid, I would've crated him. He then said he didn't know he'd have the baby with him. His wife told him to take her last minute.

He wasn't sitting and complaining about their relationship. He mentioned how he thought it was odd and that was that.

Jesse, I'm not implying anything about you or your friend. I was speaking in general terms. If you have an issue with someone, that's the person you need to be discussing it with. Especially so in marriages.

Nope, my BFF (who is also a good friend of my husband's) is a man. In fact, he drove with me from MN to OH to pick up Squash when my husband wasn't able to get away from work to come - and my husband was glad for it since it meant I wasn't making that drive alone. And my husband has spent time alone with female friends, including short trips as well.

Honestly it's never occurred to me to think about it as a lack of respect, quite the opposite in fact as we simply always assume the best about each other. My husband is probably the least jealous person I've ever met, which is good because I'm not a fan of restrictive "rules" or ultimatums in relationships. But if you're not me, whatever floats your boat, really. Your marriage is none of my business, just like mine is none of yours.

Jessie, you probably couldn't stand me then

I am just going to speak for the other side for a minute. I am a jealous person. I *know* I am, and I worry all the time that I will lose a great guy over it. I have lots of insecurities and more recently, anxiety issues. Do I like when my SO hangs out with other girls without me? Not really, no. He has never given me a reason not to trust him. However, when he's off with girlfriends or talks about them, yeah, I feel jealous.

I have never implemented rules, said he could or could not do things, etc... In fact, the vast majority of the time, he doesn't even know I feel jealous. I guess this is because I KNOW I am wrong, and that something must be wrong with me. And for that reason, I keep all the crappy feelings to myself. And they really are crappy, crappy feelings Oh and before someone jumps in and says "Just don't be jealous!"... Trust me, I have tried talking myself out of it. I can't though, so I just deal with it alone lol.

As for Cali's marriage... I hardly think it's sad. If that's what works for her and her husband and they are happy, I say run with it. Every couple is different and functions differently.

I actually thought a good deal about this yesterday. I am not really a jealous person and neither is my husband. He has female friends, and most of my friends here in the US are male, too. When we dated and I still played hockey with the guys, I was always out and about with them. Dan never caused a scene when I crashed at some guy's house after a party. Would I carelessly do that again now that we are married? Probably not. Even when we hit a pretty rough spot last year, I never lost trust in him. There's actually a girl at work who flirts with him, apparently. Does it bother me? No. I know he's being professional and would never lead her on, or deny being married. I laugh with him about it. Now, would I be fine with him crashing at random girls' houses all the time? Probably not. It is not that I wouldn't trust him, it is just- a boundary now. I don't know, maybe being married does change some things.

And maybe it changes some things for some more than it does for others. Just because people have relationships that are different than mine or yours shouldn't entitle anyone to judge or label them, for example, as sad. While it is certainly okay to form and voice an opinion, we should always think about how that would be perceived on the other end.

I do think there is a difference between staying the night at someone's house and not getting a ride with them. However, boundaries are boundaries, and everyone's relationship is different.