Transgender families
- Thread starter Buddy'sParents
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"I'm sure it was hard for the guy who really wanted to be a woman.. but what about the wife that married what she perceived to be a man and wanted to spend the rest of her life with a man. Imagine how crushed she must have felt when her husband dropped that bomb in her lap"
EXACTLY!!! How does that woman, that wife cope? Now she feels inadequate, guilty, like she somehow did something to cause it. I speak from a very personal viewpoint here. I know that the wife, someone I am very close to, feels all of the above. Yes, she loves the man she married, and will probably stay with him no matter what he decides to do, but she does feel deceived.
He feels all the guilt too, but is blossoming and enjoying his new found sexuality at the same time.
What really is fair here? Does the wife just let him become a woman and borrow all her undies, smiling all the while? Or does she have a right to expect some sense of the normalcy she thought she married to continue?
Does the husband squash his emotions and continue to live what amounts to a lie to keep his wife happy? Or does he explore his feelings fully no matter the consequence?
I don't know the answer, but I know it is very complicated. While its nice to say if people were less judgemental this wouldn't be an issue, the fact remains that people ARE judgemental, and it IS an issue.
EXACTLY!!! How does that woman, that wife cope? Now she feels inadequate, guilty, like she somehow did something to cause it. I speak from a very personal viewpoint here. I know that the wife, someone I am very close to, feels all of the above. Yes, she loves the man she married, and will probably stay with him no matter what he decides to do, but she does feel deceived.
He feels all the guilt too, but is blossoming and enjoying his new found sexuality at the same time.
What really is fair here? Does the wife just let him become a woman and borrow all her undies, smiling all the while? Or does she have a right to expect some sense of the normalcy she thought she married to continue?
Does the husband squash his emotions and continue to live what amounts to a lie to keep his wife happy? Or does he explore his feelings fully no matter the consequence?
I don't know the answer, but I know it is very complicated. While its nice to say if people were less judgemental this wouldn't be an issue, the fact remains that people ARE judgemental, and it IS an issue.
And the visious cycle continues. The judgement allows for very little room in accepting anything outside of the norm, and the repression and coping of what is being called living the lie will continue because they will be conditioned and reinforced to live that way.
I don't live my life thinking this way because it makes personal growth more difficult.
I don't live my life thinking this way because it makes personal growth more difficult.
I dated a man once whose father was gay. A little less dramatic than transgendered, but . . .
My boyfriend father had died before I met him. His parents had divorced, and his mother, appearently as a reaction to his father's annoucing that he was gay had become a religious fanatic. As a result, my boyfriend was subjected to some pretty serious abuse in the name of religon. He was excorcised, and then molested a man at his mother's church. When he told her what happened to him, she did not believe him, and had him ecorcised again . . . the long and the short of it is that the law eventially intervened, and by the time I met him, he lived with his father's parents . . .
Anyway, I asked one day what his father had been thinking. If he was gay, why did he marry and have children? My boyfriend, who had asked his father just this question, explained:
His father had known he was attracted to men, but had been raised to think it was not normal, a perversion that he could overcome if he just forced himself to be atracted to women. More so, he wanted to be normal. He wanted to fit in. So he did what men of his generation did. He married a woman and had children. He sincerely thought that his homosexuality would go away. Or that he could ignore it. Or that he could just hide it. He may have been lying, but he was lying out of what he felt was self preservation . . . and he thought he could be happy that way. He was wrong. The marriage failed. I get the impression it was failing, for various reasons, before his father said he was gay. However, one day, he told his wife that he was gay . . . and she threw him out (appearently, he offered to stay and help with his son). He left, they divorced, and he took up with a wonderful man, who would later help put my boyfriend though private school, since he viewed him as a stepson.
Does this justify it? I don't know. But I can see, particularly in an earlier era, where the feeling that one should fit in, combined with the believe one could change one's sexual identity, could lead someone to make a terrible mistake.
My boyfriend father had died before I met him. His parents had divorced, and his mother, appearently as a reaction to his father's annoucing that he was gay had become a religious fanatic. As a result, my boyfriend was subjected to some pretty serious abuse in the name of religon. He was excorcised, and then molested a man at his mother's church. When he told her what happened to him, she did not believe him, and had him ecorcised again . . . the long and the short of it is that the law eventially intervened, and by the time I met him, he lived with his father's parents . . .
Anyway, I asked one day what his father had been thinking. If he was gay, why did he marry and have children? My boyfriend, who had asked his father just this question, explained:
His father had known he was attracted to men, but had been raised to think it was not normal, a perversion that he could overcome if he just forced himself to be atracted to women. More so, he wanted to be normal. He wanted to fit in. So he did what men of his generation did. He married a woman and had children. He sincerely thought that his homosexuality would go away. Or that he could ignore it. Or that he could just hide it. He may have been lying, but he was lying out of what he felt was self preservation . . . and he thought he could be happy that way. He was wrong. The marriage failed. I get the impression it was failing, for various reasons, before his father said he was gay. However, one day, he told his wife that he was gay . . . and she threw him out (appearently, he offered to stay and help with his son). He left, they divorced, and he took up with a wonderful man, who would later help put my boyfriend though private school, since he viewed him as a stepson.
Does this justify it? I don't know. But I can see, particularly in an earlier era, where the feeling that one should fit in, combined with the believe one could change one's sexual identity, could lead someone to make a terrible mistake.
how sad for the person. how sad for the children. now as to living a lie, I suppose..and that isn't right to the spouse. but...what about the person that just decides the marriage 'was never right'...does it make it better that they want another woman? it is painful to end a marriage for any reason. why do transgender people try to live the life that society dictates is 'normal'...as mentioned, the pressure to just fit in. I can't imagine the pain that causes someone. yet they try....and when I think that so much of their life is wasted, it makes me want to cry all the more for them. pressure of society...it's powerful. we are raised to think and do what is expected. pity the poor soul that is 'different'. so...his wife and children may feel the worst kind of hurt, but it really isn't his fault that he tried. it is the husband that is hurt the deepest, for trying (and ultimately failing) to live a life that society decided was best for all. it was a lie.the wife and children have a right to feel betrayed...but I'd feel certain that husband never meant to hurt anyone. he was just trying to fit in. poor, poor guy.
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The action itself isn't that odd in today's society, even though it is still taboo. However, I don't think they should have had families with children involved when they decided to do it. Obviously it's something they'd thought about for a long time, but waited til they had "achieved the American Dream" before doing it. This way, they fulfill their dream of a wife, children, home, etc. and now can become a woman and die happy......very strange. To confusing for the kids and I can just imagine the psychiatrist bill their going to have.
It has absolutley nothing to do with achieving the 'American Dream'. Their dreams have nothing to do with getting married to a woman if they are a man, they are doing it to fit in and conform to our societal structure. In fact it is the opposite of their dreams.
We all know children are resilient. Yes, this will throw their entire world as they know it upside down. It will be tough on all parties involved. But just because a mother or father is transgendered dooes not mean that they don't love the child. A transgendered parent can still be the best parent a child could ever hope for. Luckily a child loves their parents unconditionally and will not be so quick to pass judgement.
An old friends of mine has a gay father. He left her mother when she was 14 for his boyfriend. It rocked her world. She was shocked, angry, and hurt. But like children do, she bounced back and accepted it and eventually became happy for her father- happy because her father was fianlly free to be who he was. Whenever anyone would say that must have been tough on het she would say, confusing not tough- she was always loved, never abused or mistreated like many children in our society today.
We all know children are resilient. Yes, this will throw their entire world as they know it upside down. It will be tough on all parties involved. But just because a mother or father is transgendered dooes not mean that they don't love the child. A transgendered parent can still be the best parent a child could ever hope for. Luckily a child loves their parents unconditionally and will not be so quick to pass judgement.
An old friends of mine has a gay father. He left her mother when she was 14 for his boyfriend. It rocked her world. She was shocked, angry, and hurt. But like children do, she bounced back and accepted it and eventually became happy for her father- happy because her father was fianlly free to be who he was. Whenever anyone would say that must have been tough on het she would say, confusing not tough- she was always loved, never abused or mistreated like many children in our society today.
People use the "society" excuse a lot tho don't they? Makes you wonder if it's really true or just what it sounds like...an excuse.
I could say every job I didn't get was because "society" doesn't want a black woman doing that job...but I don't. It's all how you see things and what you are willing shoulder yourself as far as responsibility.
IMO they are wrong to lie...because it's not necessary to...they are not going to jail for telling the truth to those they are falling in love with. They risk only that person not understanding and bailing...and guess what...the EXACT SAME RISK is there if you wait til later.
Sorry I don't buy it...these people weren't children who didn't know what a lie was...they were adults making the adult decision to have sex and beget kids, and marry and whatever else. They should have told THE TRUTH...society has nothing to do with it because they did not marry "society"...they married someone that loved them for who they THOUGHT they were.
I could say every job I didn't get was because "society" doesn't want a black woman doing that job...but I don't. It's all how you see things and what you are willing shoulder yourself as far as responsibility.
IMO they are wrong to lie...because it's not necessary to...they are not going to jail for telling the truth to those they are falling in love with. They risk only that person not understanding and bailing...and guess what...the EXACT SAME RISK is there if you wait til later.
Sorry I don't buy it...these people weren't children who didn't know what a lie was...they were adults making the adult decision to have sex and beget kids, and marry and whatever else. They should have told THE TRUTH...society has nothing to do with it because they did not marry "society"...they married someone that loved them for who they THOUGHT they were.
