Issue with my son's school/teacher LONG.

OK, so here's the story:
Last Wednesday I get a call from my son's principal. I answer the phone and I'm blown away because I've NEVER gotten a call from my son's principal before. She tells me that there was a "slight scuffle" between my son and another student in the bathroom. No one was there to witness the entire situation, but after speaking with the boys, it was just a little ordeal, nothing to be concerned with. Something about the kid put his feet out the stall, my son put his feet next to the other kid's feet, and they began kicking at each other, jokingly, and it escalated to seriousness. No one was hurt, she wasn't calling me to send him home or even write up a referral. They were going to have the boys talk to their teacher the next day so that they and the teacher could come up with their punishment.

WHY they'd allow the children to come up with their own punishment is beyond me. She assured me that it was basically no big deal.

Odd phone call.

So, the next day, my son comes home from school and he's got to go to the bathroom REALLY BAD. He comes out and I ask him if they discussed his punishment (he got grounded at home for the incident). He said that they had. He said they suggested to his teacher that she take away their field trip, but she wouldn't. Instead she told my son that he's no longer allowed to use the bathroom AT ALL, the rest of the year.
So, when my son told me this, I said, "What?? Are you sure you have that right?" because my kid can kind of be an airhead sometimes, and I just was finding it odd (since it's ILLEGAL) that his teacher would not allow him to go to the bathroom at all on school hours.

So, I had intended to find out what was going on, figuring there was some slight misunderstanding or confusion.

Now, mind you, this is a teacher that has had my son as a student for three years. She had him in 2nd grade, 4th grade, and 5th grade. I was under the impression that she LOVED my son. At the end of the third quarter this year, she did a parent/teacher conference with us over the phone telling us that we didn't come in in person because my son was doing SO WELL and his behavior was great. And she could tell that we are "parents who REALLY care about their child and are involved".
She always told me that my son reminds her of her son.

Anyway, so my son tells my husband what his punishment is, and Ben FLIPS.
He came upstairs and immediately called the school. This is, like, huge for him because he NEVER makes phone calls, and he NEVER is confrontational in person or over the phone. So, I KNEW he was mad.
He has to leave a message because no one answered the phone since it was, then, after school hours.

So, he tells them that my son needs to be able to use the bathroom when he has to go and that this punishment is UNACCEPTABLE.
He was calm but firm in his message.

He also writes a note in my son's daily planner because my son was going to have a substitute the next day, and he wanted the sub to know that my son needed to be able to use the bathroom if he needed to.
His teacher is apparently working on her masters degree so she has to miss a few days of school here and there.

I called the school the next morning to talk to the principal to find out exactly what is going on. I figured that since she called me, originally, that she might be able to help me understand this punishment better.
When I told her that my son informed me that his punishment was that he could not use the restroom at all for the rest of the year, she sounded baffled and said, "Uh, no. We cannot deny a child the right to use the restroom if he has to go. That's completely illegal, we just can't do that. I'm going to leave a note for the substitute to let him go if he needs to and I'm going to leave a note for his teacher."

Fine. I thought all was done. And that it was all cleared up. I ONLY wanted my son to be able to use the bathroom if he had to go.

Nope.


Monday morning I get a call from his teacher. The way this woman spoke to me, I almost forgot that I am the parent.
She was speaking fast, AT ME, and she would hardly let me get a word in edge-wise. Not to mention that even if I could speak, I was so taken off-guard by her tone, the words she was saying, and her attitude, that I wouldn't have even known what to say.

She told me that she didn't witness the situation. She walked into the bathroom JUST IN TIME to see my son walk out of the stall, and the other boy walked out after him "holding his privates".
Then she proceeds to say to me that she "could have called DCFS right then and there and demand therapy" but luckily she was able to speak to both boys and they came to the understanding that it was just a scuffle.
I assumed that she thought that my son kicked the other child in his privates.

But after getting off the phone with her, after being able to process wtf she said to me, I really think she was freakin' implying my son inappropriately touched the other boy in the bathroom stall.

BUT, onwards with the rest of the phone conversation: she then tells me that "So, no, on my watch, in my care, he won't be able to use the restroom unless it's a complete emergency since I cannot trust him since this is the third incident like this, and I cannot supervise him in the restroom since I'm a girl and it's the boys' restroom."

When the principal called me last Wednesday, it was the FIRST TIME I had heard about a bathroom "brawl" involving my child.
Secondly, didn't she just tell me she walked into the bathroom and witnessed my child coming out of a stall and the other child followed behind him?

Then the teacher says, "But really, there's only 8 days left of school anyway, so it's not a big deal."

Oh.

Then she goes on to basically tell me that my son is a liar and that "If you believe him 10% of the time, I'll believe him 10% of the time."

Wtf does THAT mean?

So, we hang up, and I'm processing all that she said to me, and I start realizing what she said to me, and I get SUPER TICKED.
I mean, like, ready-to-go-down-to-the-school-and-rip-her-face-off ticked.
I knew reacting Monday and yesterday would be a no-go, because I was FURIOUS.
And the major thing for me is that I'm afraid that if I cause a major stink about this, there will be backlash/retaliation on my child since I cannot witness what they do to him when I'm not there.
How his teacher spoke to me was INSANE, and she proved to me that she has got to be freakin' crazy.

Threatening me? Telling me my kid is a liar?? Implying that he did things that she didn't even see with her own eyes???
WOW.

I am NOT one of those parents that thinks her child can do no wrong. I am not a trouble-maker.
If they wanted to punish him for the bathroom incident, fine.
But to take away his right to use the restroom?

I guess I just don't know how to handle the situation because it infuriates me. I'm afraid if I do anything, they'll take it out on my son.

WOW.... just wow. I honestly don't really have any advice because I'd be the same as you.

I would be FURIOUS but yes you are right... i would be worried that if made a big deal about it that they would then take it out on my child. Happens all the time but this is SERIOUS. if she was REALLY inferring that he was touching the other child in inappropriate ways that really needs to be addressed.

I think your best bet may be to call the principal and schedule a meeting with you, the teacher and the principal. it is absolutely sickening that she would infer your child is essentially a pervert and then refuse him access to the restrooms. that's not right AT ALL.

I'm furious just reading this and it's not even my child. I don't know that I'd be able to show as much restraint and control as you have.... there are a few things that I do NOT mess around with at ALL and accussations of sexual assault is one of them. I have seen a simple accussation with no proof RUIN the lives of children... CHILDREN.

I dont' even know what to say other than good luck

First, sit down and ask your son what really happened. Make sure you know his side, with all the details. I don't want to scare you, but sometimes things happen to our kids outside of our care that we have no clue about. Make sure he understands you are not mad, you just want to know what happened, and that you support him 100%. If it was just a scuffle, its still good for him to know you are behind him and trying to stand up for him.

Then I would request a meeting with you, your husband, the teacher, a guidance counselor, and the principal. Be couteous, but make sure it is clear that you are an advocate for your son, and you want to get to the bottom of what exactly is going on. If your son's teacher suspects there is something more going on, she is required by LAW to report it, so I'm not sure what she thought she was doing by threatening you with getting DCFS involved - if she suspects anything that requires their intervention, she is breaking the law by not reporting it. How weird...

I can tell you, from what you have written, this was handled very poorly...

I agree with sparks. Set up a meeting with the principal and the teacher (and maybe your son too) to discuss the incident and make sure everyone is on the same page. Her story seems to change-there's something weird there that isn't coming out.

What the frick? If there even were three incidents you should have been informed after the FIRST one. And the teacher should have escalated her so-called concerns to the principal, she shouldn't wait until you call her to bring them up. I'm generally not one of those people that immediately jumps on the teacher, but I HATE hearing stuff like this....this is a huge communication fail on the teacher's part.

Is she going to be your son's teacher next year? I understand your retaliation concerns but this is something where I think I would take a stand. Insinuating that your kid touched some other kid inappropriately with NO PROOF is absolutely ridiculous and can ruin a kid's life. Banning him from the bathroom is also completely ridiculous.

I second (or third) the meeting with principal and teacher.

Ho. ly. crap.
Having a meeting with the principal and teacher is probably the logical thing. But I would be down at the school demanding my son be put in a different class and never have to deal with this teacher again. This is absolutely ridiculous.

Wow... I'm furious just reading this. I don't think I could've shown as much restraint on the phone.

I would definitely sit down and talk with your son, and try to get his detailed side of the story.

I would schedule a meeting with both you and Ben, the teacher, and the principal at least. If the teacher felt like she had something she "needed to report," then she should've been legally held responsible to report it... however, the whole thing is fishy and it seems like the teacher isn't be entirely truthful.

Ugh. I really hope everything works out. At least there are only 8 days of the school year left.

ughhh this made me really upset to read too... I'm going to echo that I really think you should have a meeting with the teacher, principal, etc... This is not something I would let slide by without further investigating the situation. I really really think there's something the teacher is not saying... that or she is just talking out her rear. But, bottom line is that you guys really need to meet up to straighten this all out for the sake of your son.

Here's some vibes your way... this is definitely a stressful situation for you and I really hope you are able to get it sorted out. I'd definitely request that this teacher not be your son's teacher next year.

of course I have the unpopular opinion.

#1 Kids do lie, all the time, especially when they'll get in trouble for something, and especially to parents.

#2 I hardly think a teacher was going to make a student hold it fo 8 hours a day while at school. It probably had more to do with getting up and leaving often or going in a group. If my son was kicking kids in the nuts at school, he'd have to worrry more about me than the teacher.

#3 I'd bet your actions or those of your husband had as much to do with the teachers reaction as anything. I'm not saying it was right, but teachers are still humans and when put on the defensive, they get defensive

#4 and this should almost be #1 there is a great danger that what is important in this incident will be lost on those that most need to learn from it, and instead this is going to be a fight between the parents defending their child and the school and all the kid is going to learn is to pit one against the other and everyone forgets about what started this in the first place.

I'd be pretty infuriated to.

I think Danefield made a great post. It sounds like this was a minor problem that just escalated. I'm also surprised an elementary school lets children go into the bathroom without an aid in there.

If this really has been an ungoing problem you just haven't heard about, and your son is otherwise a pretty well behaved kid, maybe it's because he's uncomfortable using a public restroom with other kids around. Is it possible for him to use the bathroom in the nurse's office?

What? We NEVER were supervised in the restrooms...having an adult in there is just asking for trouble. When I was tutoring a 4th grade class, they had to ask for permission to use the restroom and they had to be back within 5 minutes, tops, but that was the extent of restroom supervision really.

The teacher's story has changed a time or two and for that reason alone, I think I would schedule a meeting. Yes, kids do interesting things to the truth sometimes, not saying this is necessarily the case here, but it's interesting to hear the variations of any given incident.

I might also call the other child's parents and ask what their son told them, because you're getting conflicting accounts from the teacher.

We always had bathroom aids, right up through high school. Having an adult in there is ASKING for trouble? It never caused a problem in any of my schools. Usually a teacher who's students were in an extra class, or one of the lunch ladies, or someone like that would sit at a desk reading a book or whatever, either right outside the door or inside the bathroom. They'd read a book or knit and ask for the hall pass when you got there. I didn't know it was common practice to allow elementary school kids to leave the room unsupervised.

I've never even heard of "bathroom aids."

Ditto.

But my schools also didn't have nurses offices or use hall passes and such.

Huh. I went to both private school and public school...and now that I think about it I don't think the private school had bathroom aids. But I'm pretty sure the other local public schools districts did.

It was a while ago but I went to many schools around the country (we moved a lot for my dad's job) never heard of a bathroom monitor. No school Darien has gone too (he has gone to 3) has ever had one either.

We had bathroom breaks and when it was the whole class the teacher stood outside but never went in.

If we had to go during class we were given a pass. That was ONLY in elementary. After that we were always given a pass. I really do see having a teacher in the bathroom could lead to problems. Not for the kids but for the teacher. So many people are so quick to scream pedophile I can see a teacher wanting to protect them self from having their life ruined from an accusation like that.

The schools I went to as a child did not have anyone monitoring the bathrooms. My husband is a high school teacher and they don't require one either

We had bathroom passes so only 2 people could go at any one time.. but I've never heard of a bathroom monitor..

we never had any either, one time in 3rd grade my friend an I exchanged christmas presents in there so our other friends wouldn't know we got each other something and not them. I got an Old Timer pocket knife, I don't remember what I got him, must've sucked compared to the pocket knife

So not only did we go to the bathroom by ourselves, we were packing knives good thing there were no monitors, I'd a had to stick em.