LTR problems..hit a wall...

[cloudcandy]

So many feelings right now,going to try and make sense so you guys understand me...would really like to hear people's advice especially if they've been with someone for a long time from a young age.
Me and my BF have been together 6years now,since we were 17.It's not been easy but we have grown and learnt from eachother and been through alot.We are very different,we dont have much in commen,were not sure what we want from life but somehow no matter what we've argued about there was never the option of breaking up.It's always been "I hate this/you/this arguement/issue....but I love you" Feels exhausting sometimes to have to fight so hardbfor something,but atleast were fighting it together.I dont feel like I have alot of support from family and friends for being in a LTR,seema the general attitude is not to be.in a committed relationship when your young,so i dont really have people I can talk to.
We've been having a hard time recently,money has been tighter for both of us so we've had to cut back on "date nights" and havig fun together.I'm in my last uear of uni and feel really pressure and he is still really confused as he still is unsure where his life is going,(something i tell him time afer time to fix before I outgrow him,or have to move on to better myself).We've been arguing alot,mainly because I'm used to having him all to myself,now his brother is in the area he likes to spend alot of evenings with him.I admit I'm a horribly possesive person,I hate that side of me.
Anyway,thats the background info...I'm sorry if your still reading.
Lasy night we went out.Mike gave me the whole " I dont know where my life is going,your going to be succesfull,your going to end up lwaving me cos I hold you back...if you left me i dont know what I would turn into"(That sounds a lot more whiney then it is,but I had to summerise)I gave him the whole "Stop being negative,pull your finger out and get a job or go back to education...I tell you this all the time...when will you listen etc"(Note:He does work,for my dad but its not "proper")
Then we moved onto to the resteraunt and we started talking about(a topic we had discussed before..at home).He is worried that he thinks about other women too much,that he should have been single a bit longer before settling down..and what do we do?By this point I was crying into my noodle bowl(Don't worry you can laugh,I'm also a drama queen and a tad melodramtic)I find it hard to.hold.in my emotions.I wasnt sad because of what he said,more so the fact that I feel...stuck.We both dont now how to solve it.We want kids together,we want eachother,we DO not want to break up but we both can't shake the feeling of "what-if-we-do-nothing-and-then-cheat-or-leave-eachother-because-we-didnt-play-around-wjen-we-were-young"
BOY!IM SO STUCK!
What annoys me the most is that we care and respect out relationship enough to talk our problems out but it still doesnt work....
If you read all of this...I love you...so....maybe you could help...

 

[Barb04]

I feel for you. I never dated, got my first boyfriend at 19 & we were married almost 21 years before he decided he wanted someone else. I do wish I had dated more, but that wasn't in my cards when I was younger. You both must follow your hearts and decide what is best.

 

[cloudcandy]

Thanks for reading all that!
:,( ****,thats exactly what I'm afraid of.
Do you regret that you did'nt date more or have yoi just accepted it for what it is.Don't know if I said that right,but how did you feel?how do you feel?If you could go back would you do it differently?
Sorry I know this is very personal stuff but I just am stuck.
Two/three years ago my attitude was "I dont want to be with anyone else so it doesnt matter" now I feel like "What about if I do want to be with other people in the future...but with him forever"
My worse fear is we try something out and we never go back to being together...literally scares me.(I know its stupid)

 

[stardogs]

The fact that you're both wondering if you have "dated enough" and he worries about how much he thinks about other women sounds not so good.

I married my DH only having dated one other guy before, and before we were married I had fleeting thoughts like that, but they were very short lived (i.e. maybe 1 or 2 weeks about 2 years into the relationship) and have never resurfaced. If you find these thoughts coming up more and more then something's not right. At the same time you guys obviously want to make it work or you would've broken up long ago, so that needs to carry weight, too.

Maybe look into couples counseling? It's not just for married folks!

 

[Taqroy]

The only advice I can give is that if you are both wondering NOW "if-we-do-nothing-and-then-cheat-or-leave-each-other-because-we-didnt-play-around-when-we-were-young" it's going to keep coming up. And if you're both wondering that then it seems more like you're both staying in the relationship out of fear....which isn't usually a good thing. I'm not saying OMGGETOUTNOW, but it does seem like you both have one foot out the door already.

I think you both need to decide what will make you happy individually and then decide what will make you happy as a couple (if you still want to be a couple). That's all I got. Hope it helps.

 

[cloudcandy]

The fact that you're both wondering if you have "dated enough" and he worries about how much he thinks about other women sounds not so good.

I married my DH only having dated one other guy before, and before we were married I had fleeting thoughts like that, but they were very short lived (i.e. maybe 1 or 2 weeks about 2 years into the relationship) and have never resurfaced. If you find these thoughts coming up more and more then something's not right. At the same time you guys obviously want to make it work or you would've broken up long ago, so that needs to carry weight, too.

Maybe look into couples counseling? It's not just for married folks!

I know.its bad but I'm extra confused because...we care....and want eachother enough to try and work it out but.... :S
Parts of me think it would be so much simplier if he was a d***...and cheated on me!At least i could be angry.
I don't know how I'm meant to feel,I don't know how to help him...
I would like counselling,I don't know if its affordable because I can not afford it.
I feel suggesting I go on a LONG summer holiday,leave him here and we just see what happens.
Poo,I'm crying now because this is so stupod and I'm trying to write my thesis.and because I can not imagine my life without him in it,it literally makes my stomach turn.
Thanks so much for reading that and the advice.

 

[cloudcandy]

The only advice I can give is that if you are both wondering NOW "if-we-do-nothing-and-then-cheat-or-leave-each-other-because-we-didnt-play-around-when-we-were-young" it's going to keep coming up. And if you're both wondering that then it seems more like you're both staying in the relationship out of fear....which isn't usually a good thing. I'm not saying OMGGETOUTNOW, but it does seem like you both have one foot out the door already.

I think you both need to decide what will make you happy individually and then decide what will make you happy as a couple (if you still want to be a couple). That's all I got. Hope it helps.

Thanks.It does help,and I know part of me is scared to be without him,I know it's a bit pathetic to need someone so badly.Part of me is blinded by the fact its both of our first loves.I love him though,and I love our relationship.I just am stuck between being realistic and being in a bit of a fantasy...it.doesnt help that both our dads left our mums for other women.
God what a mess!

 

[sparks19]

The fact that you're both wondering if you have "dated enough" and he worries about how much he thinks about other women sounds not so good.

I married my DH only having dated one other guy before, and before we were married I had fleeting thoughts like that, but they were very short lived (i.e. maybe 1 or 2 weeks about 2 years into the relationship) and have never resurfaced. If you find these thoughts coming up more and more then something's not right. At the same time you guys obviously want to make it work or you would've broken up long ago, so that needs to carry weight, too.

Maybe look into couples counseling? It's not just for married folks!

This.

I'd say couples counseling is the best idea. Sounds like you need a mediator so to speak. A neutral party that can help you guys sort through your feelings.

Date nights don't have to be expensive to be fun. A walk in the park, sit at home and watch a movie. One night just sit and talk... no tv, no distractions. Just sit and talk to each other. Look each other in the eye, hold hands and go back and forth with what you love about the other person and the relationship. Take turns. you say one thing that makes you love him and then he says one and then you and so on and so forth. Brian and I have been married for almost 7 years (which isn't long int he scheme of things) and we do this about every week. We just sit and reflect on our lives together and how blessed we truly are. Another one, and this is going to probably sound weird but... fantasize about each other when you aren't together. Just sit there and think about how MUCH you love him. focus on the features that really draw you in or that you find most attractive and just sit and think about him. He should do the same.

I am a big believer in "mind over matter" so to speak. If you keep thinking about being with other people... that's where you will end up. But if you just sit and think about how much you love the man you are with and how sexy you find him and how lucky you are... Those feelings will reflect in your relationship I'm not saying to fool yourself into having feelings but if you love him... think about that OFTEN. Think about how you can't wait to see him.

Hubby's boss always teases him when they have a "meeting" at the bar after work. After about an hour Brian is ready to head out and his boss thinks it's about being whipped or about me nagging him to get home but really it's just that we WANT to see each other. We've been apart all day and we can't WAIT to be together. MISS each other when you are apart and you will find yourself giddy to see him even if it's only been a few hours

 

[cloudcandy]

Thanks for all that advice sparks,its very helpful and positive!
At this moment in time I don't feel how he does,but there have been times when I've felt as strongly as him and got over it.It's just tough...feels like no one can support us,we want to be together but I know.if I told most of my friends this issue they would say..."leave him". My family would just want me to find someone more "me",someone with a "proper" job and a future.
I just wish I had more ....wait ANY friends in long term commited relationships!I have no way of workingouy whats normalband whats not!
I'll also add for my BF this is soley a *sex* thing,he's not lusting after one person,he does'nt want to date people.Where as for me I generally don't lust for guys,just would enjoy the flirting and the possibilitys.I was'nt exactly upset to hear what he said,infact it's what i think people do generally all the time,regardless of being in or ouy of.a relationship!

 

[Miakoda]

Try everything to work it out. Counseling, alone and couple, would be the best bet IMO.

If you want to work it out, then try your best.



With that said, I'm going to be Debbie Downer for a minute.

I was with my 2nd serious boyfriend for 4 years (1st was when I was in 8th/9th grade & lasted for 16 months). We had a lot in common, but our differences were our families (I come from a large extended family and we're close, and he comes from a "broken" home and has no extended family that they were in contact with). But he was the first guy I loved and was in loved with.

He was my best friend. We did everything together. Since we were both soccer players, we had a large group of mutual friends. We were both outdoorsy people, and loved spending our time at the soccer fields playing and/or watching friends' games. On the other hand, we could cook something and just sit and watch movies without having to say a word. You know that ol' saying "I loved him with every bone in my body"? Well, that was true here.

But we had our problems. He started drinking and the drinking progressed to being so drunk that he couldn't do anything else but revel in it. For instance, he showed up 4 hours late to pick me up for my Jr. Prom. It was after 10:00. And then he was so drunk he could hardly stand up straight. His dad was an alcoholic, his 2 uncles were both alcoholics and both died from alcohol-related deaths, and his brother was an alcoholic (and least he recognized it and got help and is still sober today). I saw my bf heading down that path.

We began fighting over things such as him going out without telling me after he dropped me off at night. It wasn't that he went back out (I had a strict 10:00/10:30 curfew...thanks Dad), but rather that he lied about it. He began lying to me to cover up the activities that "allowed" him to get trashed.

We tried working it out, but I felt that we were at different places in our lives. He was coasting along with no idea about what he wanted to do or the man he wanted to be. I had a plan, goals, and dreams. I spent the summer after my senior year in New York with my best friend. It was the summer of my life. After about a month up there, I broke up with my boyfriend. I remember feeling stress-free after the break-up and really felt like I could move on without drama. But I didn't love him any less.

When I was in my freshman year of college, I missed him so terribly much. He missed me. And he was in the process of really changing his life around for himself (school, work, plans, etc.). But not everything had changed. I can't tell you how much I wanted to get back together with him (so much that I cried myself to sleep at night). I refused to see him or talk to him on the phone. I knew that if I did I would end up back with him and back in the middle of what I wanted to be out of. And without him having me as his rock, he was just finally starting to build his own foundation.

It's been almost 15 years since we broke up. I talk to him about twice a year. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't love him still. That love was a very special love and a deep love and a love that was/is not to be duplicated. I know he still loves me. I can hear it in his voice when we talk, but we only talk about "safe" topics such as our children and goings-on in our current lives.

But love wasn't enough for us. We would have both been miserable and that wouldn't have been fair to either one of us. I don't regret not being with him. I miss him at times, and as mentioned, I will always love him and dedicate a special place in my heart to him. But it just wasn't meant to be.

 

[JessLough]

Honestly? It's sounds more to me like you want to be together because it is what you know. You are scared of the unknown, and that is what is keeping you together.

The whole "choose what you want to do with your life and/or go back and get an education now or I'm leaving you" would honestly have me so far gone. That's likely something that is putting a strain on the relationship, and causing some of his "what if" feelings. He's in his 20s. That's a time that most people are trying different things, trying to decide what they want to do with their life, what they like and dislike.

I think you both have some serious thinking and talking to do, and I'd you decide you do want to be together, for reasons other than because it's what you know and are used to", I'd agree with the councelling.

 

[cloudcandy]

Try everything to work it out. Counseling, alone and couple, would be the best bet IMO.

If you want to work it out, then try your best.



With that said, I'm going to be Debbie Downer for a minute.

I was with my 2nd serious boyfriend for 4 years (1st was when I was in 8th/9th grade & lasted for 16 months). We had a lot in common, but our differences were our families (I come from a large extended family and we're close, and he comes from a "broken" home and has no extended family that they were in contact with). But he was the first guy I loved and was in loved with.

He was my best friend. We did everything together. Since we were both soccer players, we had a large group of mutual friends. We were both outdoorsy people, and loved spending our time at the soccer fields playing and/or watching friends' games. On the other hand, we could cook something and just sit and watch movies without having to say a word. You know that ol' saying "I loved him with every bone in my body"? Well, that was true here.

But we had our problems. He started drinking and the drinking progressed to being so drunk that he couldn't do anything else but revel in it. For instance, he showed up 4 hours late to pick me up for my Jr. Prom. It was after 10:00. And then he was so drunk he could hardly stand up straight. His dad was an alcoholic, his 2 uncles were both alcoholics and both died from alcohol-related deaths, and his brother was an alcoholic (and least he recognized it and got help and is still sober today). I saw my bf heading down that path.

We began fighting over things such as him going out without telling me after he dropped me off at night. It wasn't that he went back out (I had a strict 10:00/10:30 curfew...thanks Dad), but rather that he lied about it. He began lying to me to cover up the activities that "allowed" him to get trashed.

We tried working it out, but I felt that we were at different places in our lives. He was coasting along with no idea about what he wanted to do or the man he wanted to be. I had a plan, goals, and dreams. I spent the summer after my senior year in New York with my best friend. It was the summer of my life. After about a month up there, I broke up with my boyfriend. I remember feeling stress-free after the break-up and really felt like I could move on without drama. But I didn't love him any less.

When I was in my freshman year of college, I missed him so terribly much. He missed me. And he was in the process of really changing his life around for himself (school, work, plans, etc.). But not everything had changed. I can't tell you how much I wanted to get back together with him (so much that I cried myself to sleep at night). I refused to see him or talk to him on the phone. I knew that if I did I would end up back with him and back in the middle of what I wanted to be out of. And without him having me as his rock, he was just finally starting to build his own foundation.

It's been almost 15 years since we broke up. I talk to him about twice a year. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't love him still. That love was a very special love and a deep love and a love that was/is not to be duplicated. I know he still loves me. I can hear it in his voice when we talk, but we only talk about "safe" topics such as our children and goings-on in our current lives.

But love wasn't enough for us. We would have both been miserable and that wouldn't have been fair to either one of us. I don't regret not being with him. I miss him at times, and as mentioned, I will always love him and dedicate a special place in my heart to him. But it just wasn't meant to be.

Uh huh,that made me shed a tear :,) Thanks for sharing that,really appreciate it.Kind of hard to accept these sort of things.I'm glad it's sorted in your head though,it doesn't sound like you have any regrets.
I guess we need to sort it out,somehow.Its not the only problem we have,apart from all the petty stuff I think he suffers from depression,and as you all may or may not remember the whole puppy sitiuation I obvs am....crazy to say the least :S

I feel like we've matured enough to sort this out properly,just have to wait and see....

 

[cloudcandy]

Honestly? It's sounds more to me like you want to be together because it is what you know. You are scared of the unknown, and that is what is keeping you together.

The whole "choose what you want to do with your life and/or go back and get an education now or I'm leaving you" would honestly have me so far gone. That's likely something that is putting a strain on the relationship, and causing some of his "what if" feelings. He's in his 20s. That's a time that most people are trying different things, trying to decide what they want to do with their life, what they like and dislike.

I think you both have some serious thinking and talking to do, and I'd you decide you do want to be together, for reasons other than because it's what you know and are used to", I'd agree with the councelling.

Thanks for the honesty.
Im stuck on working this out...how do you know when your with some one purely for comfort?
I guess i would say in response to that is our life is far from comfortable and safe,we have ups and downs we have tough times.
Icant say I'm not scared of being apart...I am!But I don't think thats the only reason were together!

 

[Zoom]

The only way to really know that is to take a break from each other, go live separate lives for awhile and see how you feel about it 3 months or something down the road.

I was with this one guy for about 6 years and I was so madly in love with him. We had our share of problems and such, but we stuck by each other through everything. But by the end, I was starting to wonder a lot of the same things you are--had I dated enough people to be absolutely sure he was The One, were we already stuck in "old married couple routine" because that part wouldn't change after the wedding and I didn't know if I was ready to be that settled at 24. So, we broke up. At first we were thinking it was going to be a "trial separation" type thing, go out and live and a little and get priorities in place, then it dawned on me that as much as I loved him, it wasn't meant to be. We had grown into different people, in different places in our lives. Like in Mia's case, without me there as a steady holding place, he began to really throw himself back into schooling and things he had sort of been just dragging on about.

I still talk to him a few times a year and we get together for a beer when I go back to visit my hometown. My current bf met him this last time and they seemed to get on pretty nicely, which made me happy, because if/when Ted and I do get married, I'm inviting Dan (I seem to have a thing for guys with one syllable names ) because he is still a very important person to me.

 

[Dizzy]

Sometimes you just grow apart..... Doesn't mean you don't like or love one another, just no longer in 'that' way.

Short and to the point.

 

[katielou]

If you want to go for counseling look up Relate.

 

[dignity]

I'll tell you my story - maybe it'll help:
I was with my ex for 7 years. We met in college, after he graduated he moved in with me. After he moved in with me, I always felt like he was competing with me (wanting to have a better job and make more). The relationship changed, he started manipulating me - he made me feel bad for hanging out with my friends and I had to 'ask permission' to go out with them. He came home from work and would play video games and expect me to clean the house and do all the typical 'woman's work'. I stayed in this relationship even though we weren't right for each other because it was comfortable, it's what I knew. I ended up meeting somebody else while in the relationship that made me realize, I shouldn't settle my own happiness. I offered to go to couples counseling to see if we could fix our problems or I told him we'd have to end things because it wasn't fair to me. He's the one who chose to end things because he was too proud for counseling.

Sometimes people are just very different, it doesn't make either one a 'bad' person, it just makes them not right for each other. If he's feeling held back or if you're feeling held back - will there be regrets later?

On the flip side - there are things you guys can do to have fun and save money. I know my current BF and I played board games when we were trying to save up. We also watched movies (redbox) and just sat around talking. We both have bicycles so riding our bikes around the neighborhood was another fun thing - or just walking around the neighborhood.

I'm sure there's things you both can learn to do different. If he feels you're going places and he's stagnant, maybe try to find out his ambitions and help him get there instead of saying 'choose what you want to do/go back to school' - he might just be reaching out for help. Tell him what he's good at (and likes) and help him find a career path with that. Relationships are give and take.

 

[Locke]

Two of my best friends were in a similar situation last summer. They had been dating for four years and their relationship came to a stand still. They tried to talk things through, but ultimately, even though they loved each other so much and had planned out their future together, they just weren't happy together anymore.

If I were in your position, I think I would go on a trial separation. You might find that you're happier on your own.

 

[joce]

I met my bf when I was in high school. We got along great the first couple years and then it was just like what you are going through now. Turned into us both kind of messing around and I mostly blamed him and we kept trying to work it out. Finally broke up. We got back together after maybe three of four months apart,may have been longer than that but it was a solid three months of no contact at all, and we have been good since then because we did see what was out there a bit and we were miserable without each other and it let us stop blaming each other for what was happening and take responsibility for ourselves.

Problem is its hard to figure out when to let go because you do always go back to what you know. Many people will not leave until they have someone else there. And that is not a good way to do it.

When we were split up there where many nights I would tell myself its ok because I can still love him and just not be able to live with him. You can care about someone and not be able to have them in your life because it is to hard,and if you do break up its what you need to do at first.

It sounds like he is trying to break it off. But then again maybe he is just depressed or scared of responsibility? It can be hard to tell with guys. Just be careful-we both came back with crazy stalkers that took a long time to get rid of and probably close to ten years later I still look over my shoulder.

 

[Fran101]

I would like to quote my favorite TV show for this one..

"Being in a couple is hard. And committing, making sacrifices, it's hard. But if it's the right person, then it's easy. Looking at that girl and knowing she's all you really want out of life, that should be the easiest things in the world. And if it's not like that, then she's not the one. I'm sorry"

I think you are both scared of the unknown, but both know that you need some time to grow separately.

With the right person, the choice on wether to stay/leave should not be this hard.

The "but what if I want to date other people.." and "what if I want to travel.." and "what if I want to..." barely crosses your mind when
A. You find the right person
and
B. You are at the right time in your life to be with that person

Maybe he is the right guy for you, and maybe you are the right girl for him!
If you are meant for each other, things will work out in the end. and there won't be ANY HARM in you guys taking a break and finding yourselves.

It sounds like you both need to take some time and figure out who you are without each other before you can decide who you are with another person.

I know it's hard, and it feels you guys practically grew up together. but what this is turning into, and the reason you guys are fighting, seems to be BECAUSE you guys grew together. You have become co-dependent and instead of this time of your life being about focusing on/discovering YOURSELF (which is what these years are for) it has become about this relationship and trying to better suit each other.
and that is the kind of thing that really builds resentment and causes fights.

If two people are meant to be together, they will be, no matter what keep that in mind.
and go out, explore, make mistakes, have fun, learn more, live more.. and one day you will look at some guy and making the choice to want to be with him forever will be almost natural.

just my 2 cents.