LTR problems..hit a wall...

[cloudcandy]

The only way to really know that is to take a break from each other, go live separate lives for awhile and see how you feel about it 3 months or something down the road.

I was with this one guy for about 6 years and I was so madly in love with him. We had our share of problems and such, but we stuck by each other through everything. But by the end, I was starting to wonder a lot of the same things you are--had I dated enough people to be absolutely sure he was The One, were we already stuck in "old married couple routine" because that part wouldn't change after the wedding and I didn't know if I was ready to be that settled at 24. So, we broke up. At first we were thinking it was going to be a "trial separation" type thing, go out and live and a little and get priorities in place, then it dawned on me that as much as I loved him, it wasn't meant to be. We had grown into different people, in different places in our lives. Like in Mia's case, without me there as a steady holding place, he began to really throw himself back into schooling and things he had sort of been just dragging on about.

I still talk to him a few times a year and we get together for a beer when I go back to visit my hometown. My current bf met him this last time and they seemed to get on pretty nicely, which made me happy, because if/when Ted and I do get married, I'm inviting Dan (I seem to have a thing for guys with one syllable names ) because he is still a very important person to me.

Thanks Zoom.I don't know how likely it is we could have a succesful "trail" seperation.He would move back into his mums,which would make him less independant,I would struggle to pay the rent alone,and the internet and phone bills we pay together.I know thats not a reason to not try this,but it would make life a whole lot harder.

I'll tell you my story - maybe it'll help:
I was with my ex for 7 years. We met in college, after he graduated he moved in with me. After he moved in with me, I always felt like he was competing with me (wanting to have a better job and make more). The relationship changed, he started manipulating me - he made me feel bad for hanging out with my friends and I had to 'ask permission' to go out with them. He came home from work and would play video games and expect me to clean the house and do all the typical 'woman's work'. I stayed in this relationship even though we weren't right for each other because it was comfortable, it's what I knew. I ended up meeting somebody else while in the relationship that made me realize, I shouldn't settle my own happiness. I offered to go to couples counseling to see if we could fix our problems or I told him we'd have to end things because it wasn't fair to me. He's the one who chose to end things because he was too proud for counseling.

Sometimes people are just very different, it doesn't make either one a 'bad' person, it just makes them not right for each other. If he's feeling held back or if you're feeling held back - will there be regrets later?

On the flip side - there are things you guys can do to have fun and save money. I know my current BF and I played board games when we were trying to save up. We also watched movies (redbox) and just sat around talking. We both have bicycles so riding our bikes around the neighborhood was another fun thing - or just walking around the neighborhood.

I'm sure there's things you both can learn to do different. If he feels you're going places and he's stagnant, maybe try to find out his ambitions and help him get there instead of saying 'choose what you want to do/go back to school' - he might just be reaching out for help. Tell him what he's good at (and likes) and help him find a career path with that. Relationships are give and take.

I don't feel help back by him,he feels HE holds me back,ie:He believes my life is.going somewhere,I'm going to be succesful and he'll.be working on the market with ny dad forever.I try SO hard to help him but I always end up giving up,I.get fed up of trying so hard when I feel he doesnt want it enough...I'll be your cheerleader but I'm not DOING it for you.I've told him countless times that eventually I wont.have any patience or time to give.him,and it will end up being the reason we break up.
The thing is he is so stubborn,the kind that is so stubborn if I gave him an ultimation he would rather break up with me then the other option...JUST...because.

I met my bf when I was in high school. We got along great the first couple years and then it was just like what you are going through now. Turned into us both kind of messing around and I mostly blamed him and we kept trying to work it out. Finally broke up. We got back together after maybe three of four months apart,may have been longer than that but it was a solid three months of no contact at all, and we have been good since then because we did see what was out there a bit and we were miserable without each other and it let us stop blaming each other for what was happening and take responsibility for ourselves.

Problem is its hard to figure out when to let go because you do always go back to what you know. Many people will not leave until they have someone else there. And that is not a good way to do it.

When we were split up there where many nights I would tell myself its ok because I can still love him and just not be able to live with him. You can care about someone and not be able to have them in your life because it is to hard,and if you do break up its what you need to do at first.

It sounds like he is trying to break it off. But then again maybe he is just depressed or scared of responsibility? It can be hard to tell with guys. Just be careful-we both came back with crazy stalkers that took a long time to get rid of and probably close to ten years later I still look over my shoulder.

Thanks,If I knew this would happen,I would go for it I guess.I don't think he is trying to break it off with me,we've always agrees to just be honest and talk through our feelings about jow things are between us.This is'nt a new topic,before we started going out even we knew it was going to be full on,he said to me"You should go out and meet more guys firat" and I didnt want too.We've always kinda wondered between us how you can be "together forever" with one person.
I'm also worried about what would happen if we did get back together after a "break" ..would things be the same?What baggage would someone bring back?
I'm the kind of girl that if I knew he'd been with some one whilst we were.on a break I would...stalk them...probably for the next 10years and it would NEVER leave my head...and I would never ever let it go and it would always be in the back of my mind :S

I would like to quote my favorite TV show for this one..

"Being in a couple is hard. And committing, making sacrifices, it's hard. But if it's the right person, then it's easy. Looking at that girl and knowing she's all you really want out of life, that should be the easiest things in the world. And if it's not like that, then she's not the one. I'm sorry"

I think you are both scared of the unknown, but both know that you need some time to grow separately.

With the right person, the choice on wether to stay/leave should not be this hard.

The "but what if I want to date other people.." and "what if I want to travel.." and "what if I want to..." barely crosses your mind when
A. You find the right person
and
B. You are at the right time in your life to be with that person

Maybe he is the right guy for you, and maybe you are the right girl for him!
If you are meant for each other, things will work out in the end. and there won't be ANY HARM in you guys taking a break and finding yourselves.

It sounds like you both need to take some time and figure out who you are without each other before you can decide who you are with another person.

I know it's hard, and it feels you guys practically grew up together. but what this is turning into, and the reason you guys are fighting, seems to be BECAUSE you guys grew together. You have become co-dependent and instead of this time of your life being about focusing on/discovering YOURSELF (which is what these years are for) it has become about this relationship and trying to better suit each other.
and that is the kind of thing that really builds resentment and causes fights.

If two people are meant to be together, they will be, no matter what keep that in mind.
and go out, explore, make mistakes, have fun, learn more, live more.. and one day you will look at some guy and making the choice to want to be with him forever will be almost natural.

just my 2 cents.

Thanks This scares me though,the thought that he is not the one.Really scares me.I'm scared to go through with any of these suggestions incase I do lose him.I have too much pride to tell my family or friends if something is not working,this is.literally my worse scenerio

Thanks for all the advice guys,I really need to think.