Last night was a rough night for me. I was up until 3am crying. I finally fall asleep and dream about Gretta being put to sleep. I cried in my dreams and woke myself up crying. My pillow was soaked with tears. I'd fall back asleep and it seemed like the dream picked up right where it left off. Today wasn't much better.
I wanted to let everyone know. My husband and I decided it would be too traumatizing to Gretta physically as well as emotionally to get her up into our truck and take her to the vet and have her picked up and put on a cold metal table to end her life.
So, we opted to call around and beg and plead for a vet to come to our house and put her to sleep in the comfort and safety of her own home. None of them would do it... I was in so much despair. Then we remembered a horse vet down the street and gave him a call first thing this morning. He was out doing his farm visits but would return our call when he had a chance.
Hubby left for a short while to go deposit some money in the bank and would't you guess the vet called during that time. My heart sunk to my feet when I answered the phone. He told me who he was and started to ask me directions to my home. I lost it... I began to cry uncontrollably... and I mean sobbing. He couldn't understand a word I was saying so he politely told me he would call back and speak with my husband and I thanked him before hanging up the phone before I really lost it.
This day dragged on forever and ever. I kept second guessing myself and picking up the phone to call him back and cancel the whole thing. But I kept looking at my sweet baby with those big sad brown eyes looking for me to do the right thing. She has been by my side for weeks.... it's like she knew she was dying. The anticipation of my door ringing was the worst feeling ever. Then the phone rang. It was the vet verifying directions. TJ hung up and said "he's just a few minutes away" and I began to sob again. My heart was pounding so bad and it was hard to breath. I began to shake and tremble.
I tried soooo hard to keep it together for my baby. I didn't want her to sense my fear and anguish... but I think she sensed it. When the doorbell rang I shuffled my Arielle out for a walk to a neighbor's house with the puppy because I did not want her here for this. She willingly went... she said she said her goodbyes and did not want to see it.
Gretta managed to hobble to the front door to investigate who was there. In walked two men and it was then I saw the syringe with the blue colored medication in it. I was almost frozen because it was all a reality now. I remember vividly the last three dogs we had to put to sleep in the past 3 years and they were all a different experience. Two out of the 3 were only a month or so apart from each other. In the end I felt relieved with them.
This time... it was not the case. I had given Gretta a nice meal minutes before they arrived. She got pettings, and love from us. Arielle had spent nearly an hour on the floor next to her just petting her and telling her what a good girl she was. Gretta KNEW something was up. If you could have seen the fear in her face before the vet had even gotten there you'd understand why this was so difficult for me.
We had a really hard time getting her to come to us and lay on the blanket I had for her on the floor in the living room. We had to pull her over there and she cowered the whole time and hung her head low. It was breaking my heart so bad for her to be so scared like she was. I thought she would relax once she layed down... but unfortunately she began to tremble with fear as they shaved a small part of her fur to access her vein in her front leg. I tried to comfort her and calm her and let her know we were there with her but nothing helped.
This was by far the WORST experience for me with any of my dogs. ALthought the whole thing only took about a minute once he got in the vein... it was the longest minutes of my life. And she never relaxed until her sick cancer ridden body just quit from the effects of the medication he injected. I don't think I've ever cried so much before... my eyes are almost swelled shut. I tried so hard not to cry while the vet people were there... but that lasted about 10 seconds from when they entered my home.
I tried to muffle my cries... but I couldn't. I was in so much sorrow and couldn't help it... I had that awful uncontrollable crying you hope no one sees you do. Poor TJ had to go hide in the bathroom after it was done because I was crying so much he couldn't even look at me. I think he was also trying to hide the fact that he was crying. The vet reached over and stroked my back and told me she wasn't in pain anymore. I know that... but for some reason it didn't matter. I wanted my dog back. I wanted to play with her, I wanted to hug and kiss her and take her for more rides and let her eat hamburgers from Mcdonalds. I wanted to tell her one more time how much I loved her and how sorry I was she had to go through this. And how sorry I was that her last moment on this earth was spent in fear. I will forever remember this day. As much as I am glad I was with her... I wished I wasn't. I know that doesn't make much sense. For my own selfish reasons I didn't want to see this because I was thinking about how I would feel. But for her... I wanted to try and make it as peaceful as I could. And I failed her in her last moments.
I need some time to grieve now. I know I will move on... it's life.. that's what we all do. But at this point in my life... I just feel so low.. so sad.
I wanted to let everyone know. My husband and I decided it would be too traumatizing to Gretta physically as well as emotionally to get her up into our truck and take her to the vet and have her picked up and put on a cold metal table to end her life.
So, we opted to call around and beg and plead for a vet to come to our house and put her to sleep in the comfort and safety of her own home. None of them would do it... I was in so much despair. Then we remembered a horse vet down the street and gave him a call first thing this morning. He was out doing his farm visits but would return our call when he had a chance.
Hubby left for a short while to go deposit some money in the bank and would't you guess the vet called during that time. My heart sunk to my feet when I answered the phone. He told me who he was and started to ask me directions to my home. I lost it... I began to cry uncontrollably... and I mean sobbing. He couldn't understand a word I was saying so he politely told me he would call back and speak with my husband and I thanked him before hanging up the phone before I really lost it.
This day dragged on forever and ever. I kept second guessing myself and picking up the phone to call him back and cancel the whole thing. But I kept looking at my sweet baby with those big sad brown eyes looking for me to do the right thing. She has been by my side for weeks.... it's like she knew she was dying. The anticipation of my door ringing was the worst feeling ever. Then the phone rang. It was the vet verifying directions. TJ hung up and said "he's just a few minutes away" and I began to sob again. My heart was pounding so bad and it was hard to breath. I began to shake and tremble.
I tried soooo hard to keep it together for my baby. I didn't want her to sense my fear and anguish... but I think she sensed it. When the doorbell rang I shuffled my Arielle out for a walk to a neighbor's house with the puppy because I did not want her here for this. She willingly went... she said she said her goodbyes and did not want to see it.
Gretta managed to hobble to the front door to investigate who was there. In walked two men and it was then I saw the syringe with the blue colored medication in it. I was almost frozen because it was all a reality now. I remember vividly the last three dogs we had to put to sleep in the past 3 years and they were all a different experience. Two out of the 3 were only a month or so apart from each other. In the end I felt relieved with them.
This time... it was not the case. I had given Gretta a nice meal minutes before they arrived. She got pettings, and love from us. Arielle had spent nearly an hour on the floor next to her just petting her and telling her what a good girl she was. Gretta KNEW something was up. If you could have seen the fear in her face before the vet had even gotten there you'd understand why this was so difficult for me.
We had a really hard time getting her to come to us and lay on the blanket I had for her on the floor in the living room. We had to pull her over there and she cowered the whole time and hung her head low. It was breaking my heart so bad for her to be so scared like she was. I thought she would relax once she layed down... but unfortunately she began to tremble with fear as they shaved a small part of her fur to access her vein in her front leg. I tried to comfort her and calm her and let her know we were there with her but nothing helped.
This was by far the WORST experience for me with any of my dogs. ALthought the whole thing only took about a minute once he got in the vein... it was the longest minutes of my life. And she never relaxed until her sick cancer ridden body just quit from the effects of the medication he injected. I don't think I've ever cried so much before... my eyes are almost swelled shut. I tried so hard not to cry while the vet people were there... but that lasted about 10 seconds from when they entered my home.
I tried to muffle my cries... but I couldn't. I was in so much sorrow and couldn't help it... I had that awful uncontrollable crying you hope no one sees you do. Poor TJ had to go hide in the bathroom after it was done because I was crying so much he couldn't even look at me. I think he was also trying to hide the fact that he was crying. The vet reached over and stroked my back and told me she wasn't in pain anymore. I know that... but for some reason it didn't matter. I wanted my dog back. I wanted to play with her, I wanted to hug and kiss her and take her for more rides and let her eat hamburgers from Mcdonalds. I wanted to tell her one more time how much I loved her and how sorry I was she had to go through this. And how sorry I was that her last moment on this earth was spent in fear. I will forever remember this day. As much as I am glad I was with her... I wished I wasn't. I know that doesn't make much sense. For my own selfish reasons I didn't want to see this because I was thinking about how I would feel. But for her... I wanted to try and make it as peaceful as I could. And I failed her in her last moments.
I need some time to grieve now. I know I will move on... it's life.. that's what we all do. But at this point in my life... I just feel so low.. so sad.
