18 = more freedom?

[tessa_s212]

Tessa no one is putting words in your mouth, just trying to show you your options. A typing job on line requires no transportation at all and they are there even if they are dull. It is hard for anyone that has struggled through those hard times to read someone that says i am stuck, and then defends why they are stuck. You have your health, and that is an enormous plus, but i have seen people battling huge illnesses that still find their freedom wings. You may have to bide your time, and keep a stiff upper lip through it. I did, many times in my life and it sucks but that is the way it is.
As to skipping on your education, i have learned, experienced, risked, won, and challanged myself more then any school has been able to throw at me. I am an avid reader, not only for enjoyment but to make my brain do a workout. I took jobs that were not easy or even exactly what i wanted to do because i sensed there was a life lesson there. You haven't even stepped out of your nest, be it a soft one, or a hard one. Until you do, you won't understand what i am trying to tell you. The one thing you must do is stop putting up your own roadblocks. You do that more then you realize. Your smart, and pretty, you can speak your mind and write about it well. But i feel that if we stripped that away, there would be a very frightened young lady underneath, and until you straighten her spine, and wipe away her tear, put postive goals in front of her and make her climb the ladder, you will just keep stirring in the same pot complaining that you can't get out.

What kind of typing jobs? How do I make money doing this?

I am not putting a road block in front of me. Yes, I have stated the reasons why I am stuck, but never do I use them as an excuse. I am not just sitting here complaining and not doing anything about it. I AM doing something about it. I am saving every cent and penny I can until I have graduated so that I can get out of here. My past, my circumstances, my parents, they are a reason, never an excuse. At the moment I am doing my best to push those roadblocks out of my way.

 

[smkie]

I would make one big suggestion, do not run away from one situation and expect a male to bail you out by "affording" you and your pets. That is a trap if there ever was one. Don't get involved in a relationship until you can stand on your own two feet and be equal in all aspects. The price is just too high. Find a place with a friend, or a mentor, there are good people out there, but don't expect them to cover you AND your animals. IF your life situation is so bad, you won't be able to provide them vet care, and if that isn't there then you will have the heartbreak of the century. I know mothers (myself included) that at one time have gone door to door, especially in elderly homes (with references) and offered to mow yards, paint trim, shovel sidewalks, bath dogs, paint houses, babysit, petsit, and all that requires is two feet and sweet smile and a bit of common sense to not go into a dangerous situation. If it is anybody but grammy or a woman overloaded with children and going out of her wits, you don't go into their home. There is money out there, all you could ever want to work for. Start your own business, mother's helper. I can think of a million times i needed two extra hands. Make flyers and distribute.

Go to insurance agencies and ask about data transfer. Write to medical groups and see if you can work the insurance from your home. Agencies that are temp on line can help direct you to places that need just that kind of help. It takes some digging, but it is there. I know people that have made their way through college. Even proof reading. Don't we have a member here that does that? Step and Fetch, Gopher u...i don't care what you call it, people do need help. Wash windows! Find a strip mall and offer to do it for a fair price. We have one young man that did that and i was simply amazed. my son cleaned out gutters, 25 to 50 dollars a pop. IF someone would come cut down my honey locust forest that is sprouting up all over my property i would gladly give them 20 dollars cash. Today. Look around see what needs to be done and knock. Invest in your own tools.

 

[tessa_s212]

By the time I'd even consider moving in with my boyfriend, I'd expect that he will then be my fiance.

I will not be moving into just some random guy's house wanting him to support me, but instead with my future husband that badly wants me out of a bad situation.

The decision to actually move in with him will NOT be taken lightly. He wants badly for me to get out of this house, but I also know it is not my place to tempt him to go against God and fail in our attempts to live up to our belief in waiting to have sex until marriage. In fact, it is more likely for me to opt to live on my own, whether that be in an apartment with him helping me out with pay, or with a friend and her family, before I'd actually move in with him without being married.

Right now it is all just talk and discussion. We'll see what happens come time that I graduate and am refused the respect and freedom I deserve.

 

[Copiuos]

I can't change them right now. I first must graduate highschool. I can stick out the winter, and then I'm getting out of here as soon as possible.

I don't expect to be allowed to make the rules. I only expect to be treated with some amount of respect.

I don't expect the age to make a complete difference. I have already stated that in this thread. But I do expect once graduated from highschool and making quite a contribution by supporting myself, buying my own car, paying for my own gas and insurance, etc etc etc, that I be given more freedom. But, due to my mom's mental illness, she is not rational and it is not likely I will be given that freedom. If I am not, I will move out.

I don't expect others to support and baby me either. But if ever I needed a place, both my boyfriend and a friend's family would be willing to help me out because they know of my situation. My boyfriend and I have discussed this quite a bit, and though we'd rather not live together before married, if necessary he will get me out of here. He is willing to support me in any way I need, even if that means just helping me pay rent and utilities for me to live in my own apartment until I'm out of college and we make the choice to get married.

I think that you're reading what I said without realizing what I'm saying. Maybe you're using your heart instead of your head while you're trying to understand what I'm saying.

You want your parents to show you respect and let up on you. That is "making the rules" or setting the conditions for living in their home. Normal parents don't let their children do that, do you really suspect that yours will do that?

I wasn't talking about not moving in with your boyfriend, friend or anyone else as a way of taking the baby way out either. Often young women who have been in your position tend to go from the frying pan into the fire unless they can gather experience in being self sufficient. Moving in with someone else makes you dependent on them, even if you're buying your own food, gas, insurance, etc. At your age you don't have enough relationship experience to fully understand the ins and outs of relationships and your primary teachers (your parents) haven't given you a very good example of how to have good relationships if what you're saying is true. That puts you in a very bad situation. It has nothing to do with being "tough" or "strong" vs being babied.

Anyway, you do have options, even if it feels like you don't. Several good options have been pointed out to you and I hope that you will listen to what others have to say. If what you want is to live without your parents input (no matter how wrong that input is) you're going to have to find a way to be self sufficient in every area. They aren't going to just give you money, let you live with them, pay for college, or let you dictate the terms of their home.

I'm not saying that you are in a cake walk, I'm saying that you have to be the architect of your own destiny from the first moment you are capable.

 

[smkie]

I'm not saying that you are in a cake walk, I'm saying that you have to be the architect of your own destiny from the first moment you are capable.

:hail: :hail: :hail:

 

[tessa_s212]

I am under the assumption that most parents treat their kids with respect and love. So yes, I do expect that other parents do this and do expect my own to do so. Again, I never asked for complete freedom, but I am asking to be treated with respect and fairness.

 

[tessa_s212]

I'm not saying that you are in a cake walk, I'm saying that you have to be the architect of your own destiny from the first moment you are capable.

I AM trying to be. I'm saving my money and making plans for my future. My God, what more do you people ask of me?

I find it funny every adult that knows me in real life, and many here on Chaz that aren't active in this thread, see me as a person that is mature, responsible, making the best of her situation, and taking charge of her own future by planning and saving money, but people here on this thread instead are under the assumption that I just want to take my parents money and make all the rules.

 

[smkie]

I am under the assumption that most parents treat their kids with respect and love. So yes, I do expect that other parents do this and do expect my own to do so. Again, I never asked for complete freedom, but I am asking to be treated with respect and fairness.

but your not getting that, you have said so in your own words

My father was an idiot, he thought women were to cook and clean and daughters were not worth his time or effort. No amount of trying to show him that i was worth it made one spec of difference and believe me i tried. Thought good grades, being helpful...blah blah blah would make him see me for me, but it didn't. I saw him go through 9 women over a lifetime and he treated them no better. I did not go to his funeral. He didn't love me and it took me 20 years to accept that and move on. Save your self some grief and stop trying to make your parents what they are not and never will be. GO on..and keep going and believe in yourself. you may never earn their respect becuase they may be idiots too.

ONe of my son's friends had a mother like yours, and she use to come to my home, at some very strange hours, walk in the front door, go to the basement and sleep. She was always welcome a lot of his friends were. She is now getting a duel degree in spanish and juvilnile justice. With good grades i might add. I think about 2/3's of the population wish they had parents that gave them respect, or stayed off the crack, or the alcohol, or treated their mental illness, or loved them more. That is the way it goes. And even when it is ideal, it doesn't stay that way, illness, a child with a handycap, a fire, there will always be something to test your strength, your faith, your reserve.
All you can do is put one foot infront of the other and follow your hunches about what is best for you. You will have to sacrifice sometimes until it feels like your ripping your soul in half, but you can never give up and if you are lucky, you will make it work out in the end.

 

[tessa_s212]

but your not getting that, you have said so in your own words

My father was an idiot, he thought women were to cook and clean and daughters were not worth his time or effort. No amount of trying to show him that i was worth it and believe me i tried. Thought good grades, being helpful...blah blah blah would make him see me for me, but it didn't. I saw him go through 9 women over a lifetime and he treated them no better. I did not go to his funeral. He didn't love me and it took me 20 years to accept that and move on. Save your self some grief and stop trying to make your parents what they are not and never will be. GO on..and keep going and believe in yourself. you may never earn their respect becuase they may be idiots too.

I don't expect my parents to change. My mom is mentally ill and refuses medication. Nothing is going to change her abusive personality. My dad is an as*hole that has never been there for me, that I've never been able to prove I was good enough to love to him, and I will never. He isn't going to change either and I have give up trying.

This thread is not about me trying to change my parents, but merely discussing what exactly it is that I actually deserve. And, because I hardly doubt that I will ever be shown the respect I deserve, my plans on getting out. However, those plans are at a stand still until I graduate high school. I AM and DO have plans to "GO on". Never in this thread did I just sit here complaining about my situation and not choose to do something about it. I have chosen to do something, it just has to wait.

 

[Copiuos]

I AM trying to be. I'm saving my money and making plans for my future. My God, what more do you people ask of me?

I find it funny every adult that knows me in real life, and many here on Chaz that aren't active in this thread, see me as a person that is mature, responsible, making the best of her situation, and taking charge of her own future by planning and saving money, but people here on this thread instead are under the assumption that I just want to take my parents money and make all the rules.

Do you want to feel victimized? If you don't then please stop. I'm NOT saying anything bad about you in any way at all.

It's natural to want love and respect. Do you believe that your parents are going to give that to you? If they aren't right now they aren't going to just because you graduate from HS. THAT is dictating the terms of your relationship with them. Normal parents don't do that, controlling parents REALLY aren't going to do that.

As far as people saying how mature yyou are.....I'm sure that you are mature.....for a HS student. Again, that shouldn't be taken as an insult or slight because it isn't suppose to be one.

I gave you advice that's based on my experience with controlling parents. If they haven't been what you need so far they aren't going to morph into that because it's what you want. It doesn't matter if it's right or wrong it's what you have. Unfair or not doesn't matter either because unfair people aren't going to start being fair just because you are ready for them to be.

I'm not saying that you don't deserve respect from your parents. You can't get it from them unless they want to give it to you.

 

[smkie]

KNow what i deserve? A vacation. A vacation with Renee on a tropcial island with rum drinks in our hands and a beach that stretches out forever to explore. I deserve to watch waves at night, eat good food, cable would be nice too. I deserve a studio with full bright light to work in. I deserve a cure for lyme. I deserve a man that values my mind over my health and has fallen head over heels and wishes to charish my soul so i could charish his. I deserve a patron that wishes to sponser my art because he/she believes my gift has value. Guess what i do not have. We only respond to your words and try to give you the best advice we have to give. So i guess that ends this discussion for me.

 

[tessa_s212]

Wow. What a wonderful attitude to have.

You can recognize that you deserve something better without it being handed to you on a silver platter.

I don't care what you say. I believe in every bit of the fact that I DESERVED to be cherished and loved growing up, that I deserved to not be molested, that I deserved a father that would be there for me instead of turning his back on me.

If you can't recognize that I deserve to be loved, at least I can. I deserve it, and I will recognize it, no matter who doesn't. I will never again live in the belief that I don't deserve those things. You cannot convince me otherwise. I do deserve to be love and respected, whether you know that or not.

 

[bubbatd]

Hey lets the 3 of us take off !!! I'm ready to go back to Ambergris Caye . Belize again ! Motto : No shoes - no worries !

 

[smkie]

We all deserve that sweetheart, and 4 out of 5 women are molested, 3 out of 5 boys. There is some debate that the numbers are higher then that. IF you don't want people to show you some ideas about how to better your life, things you might not have thought of, why do you start these threads. My old boss taught me a number of sayings that i found to be not only true but helpful as well. One is it takes three legs to hold up a stool. One for ambition, one for imagination and the last is determination. He also taught me the more you stir sh1t the more it stinks. ANd the hardest part is getting started. You want more money..go earn it. You want respect, respect and love yourself first, until you do, no one else will. YOu want love and affection, look to people you feel will do so only in your best interest. Now i really gotta go. Good luck to you Tessa.

U BETCHA GRAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe a cabana boy will fall for my charms

 

[tessa_s212]

We all deserve that sweetheart, and 4 out of 5 women are molested, 3 out of 5 boys. There is some debate that the numbers are higher then that. IF you don't want people to show you some ideas about how to better your life, things you might not have thought of, why do you start these threads. My old boss taught me a number of sayings that i found to be not only true but helpful as well. One is it takes three legs to hold up a stool. One for ambition, one for imagination and the last is determination. He also taught me the more you stir sh1t the more it stinks. ANd the hardest part is getting started. You want more money..go earn it. You want respect, respect and love yourself first, until you do, no one else will. YOu want love and affection, look to people you feel will do so only in your best interest. Now i really gotta go. Good luck to you Tessa.

I never refused people's ideas to help myself. I am in PM with someone who is helping me with finding scholarship stuff. I also talk with another person in PM all the time about how to better myself and my life. I AM saving money for my future and making plans. For you to suggest that I refuse people's advice and help, or refuse to help myself, is completely ridiculous and absurd.

I want money, I am out there earning. I want respect and love, I do respect and love myself. I want love and affection, I do look to people I know that will treat me with that respect, love, and affection I deserve.

Please stop accusing me and assuming that I never take anyone else's help. I certainly do.

 

[tessa_s212]

Smkie, you told me:

Save your money now is all i got to say, bide your time, work hard and get out, then your life will be your own.

Where have I anywhere in this thread refused your advice? I have not. I ave continually stated that I will save my money, work hard, and get out.

 

[Copiuos]

I DO believe that you deserve to be loved and respected. I worry for girls in your situation because what you haven't received could end up causing problems for you for the rest of your life. The decisions that you make from this point on could cripple you or help you. I want to do the very best that I can to help you. It doesn't matter if you are asking for help or not, as a woman who feels strongly about women being loved, cherished and respected I would be negligent if I didn't try to help you.

I don't think that you're a bad person or doing bad things. I believe that you are very vulnerable and being on your own for a while will give you more of what you need than all of the discussions of how life isn't fair possibly could.

You have bad parents and I'm sorry for that. You aren't going to mold them into good parents. No matter how wrong they are it's their home and as long as you live in it you're subject to their ideas of who you are.

In your plans you're talking about moving in with other people and I cannot express loudly enough how disastrous that usually turns out to be.

You do deserve to be loved, but your parents haven't given that to you. While others can love you, you will always be without the love of your parents which is a very deep fracture in a persons being. It's natural to try to fill the gap but that puts you in such a vulnerable position that it's dangerous for you. I know it's hard, especially now, it's hard to resist thoughts of your boyfriend sweeping you away from that situation. I know that it's easy to think he will fill that void that your parents left in you but think about this very seriously before you do anything like that. Who is going to sweep you away from your boyfriend if things go bad? Unless you build experience and confidence in your ability to take care of yourself you will always find yourself on the short end of the stick and looking for that love that you really do deserve.

Just because you seem to think I've been mean to you I'm going to point out that what you're looking for has changed throughout this conversation. You were the one who brought up your parents helping you out with college and living under their roof while having your needs met. I didn't make that up all on my own.

 

[tessa_s212]

I DO believe that you deserve to be loved and respected. I worry for girls in your situation because what you haven't received could end up causing problems for you for the rest of your life. The decisions that you make from this point on could cripple you or help you. I want to do the very best that I can to help you. It doesn't matter if you are asking for help or not, as a woman who feels strongly about women being loved, cherished and respected I would be negligent if I didn't try to help you.

I don't think that you're a bad person or doing bad things. I believe that you are very vulnerable and being on your own for a while will give you more of what you need than all of the discussions of how life isn't fair possibly could.

You have bad parents and I'm sorry for that. You aren't going to mold them into good parents. No matter how wrong they are it's their home and as long as you live in it you're subject to their ideas of who you are.

In your plans you're talking about moving in with other people and I cannot express loudly enough how disastrous that usually turns out to be.

You do deserve to be loved, but your parents haven't given that to you. While others can love you, you will always be without the love of your parents which is a very deep fracture in a persons being. It's natural to try to fill the gap but that puts you in such a vulnerable position that it's dangerous for you. I know it's hard, especially now, it's hard to resist thoughts of your boyfriend sweeping you away from that situation. I know that it's easy to think he will fill that void that your parents left in you but think about this very seriously before you do anything like that. Who is going to sweep you away from your boyfriend if things go bad? Unless you build experience and confidence in your ability to take care of yourself you will always find yourself on the short end of the stick and looking for that love that you really do deserve.

Just because you seem to think I've been mean to you I'm going to point out that what you're looking for has changed throughout this conversation. You were the one who brought up your parents helping you out with college and living under their roof while having your needs met. I didn't make that up all on my own.

I thank you for your concern.

As I've already stated, I don't expect to change them. I gave up on that thought a long time ago.

If I can't afford an apartment on my own as well as afford my dogs, I have no other choice but to move in with someone if I want out of this house. If I did move in with a friend, I would pay for all my own stuff as well as do whatever around the house they needed me to, and it would only be temporary until I had an apartment of my own.

It isn't even that I have some stupid dream of him saving me. No. That is his dream. He wants me out of here, he doesn't want to see me have to live through it anymore. He wants to support me and help me. I'm usually the one to consider the "what ifs" and other options. I never asked him to come up with a thought like this. He simply loves me and hates to see me living the way I am and wants me out as soon as possible.

Point is, I'm out of this house as soon as I can be, even if that means I have to have help from friends or my boyfriend until I can be on my own.

Nothing will fill the void that is left by my parents. Not my boyfriend, not friends, not anyone. No one will take away from the fact that my parents simply weren't there for me the way I needed them to be when I was growing up. But that doesn't mean I can't love or be loved.

I don't think you were purposely trying to be mean, but rather that you were making assumptions that were false. Yes, I said something along the lines of that if I moved out my parents wouldn't be willing to help me with college, but that is because college is somethign my mom has always promised for all of us. She always used to tell us that we had no choice in the matter, we WERE going to college. I never said I expected them to, but just that is what always used to be promised to me. You instead assumed I wished for them to pay for my entire college while I do whatever and whenever I want living under their roof. I never stated that is what I wanted.

And because I recognize that my mother is NOT likely to ever show me the respect I deserve, yes, I changed the subject to the fact that I would like to move out as soon as possible. Discussions tend to move around a lot from one subject to the next. That is the way threads work.

 

[Copiuos]

I did not assume one thing that you didn't write. In the beginning you were discussing how you should be allowed to live at home, be respected and have your relationships the way that you want them. You wanted to know about the "my house, my rules" portion of the problems you are facing. Later you tried to talk about how impossible it is for you to move out and some of us tried to offer you encouragement. The very title of your thread "18=more freedom" does not suggest that you were looking for the fastest way to self sufficiency but instead you were looking for the fastest way to be independent without being entirely on your own.

Your decisions are your own but please quit pretending the differences we are having in this discussion are because I'm too daft to understand how message boards work or read the words you wrote.

 

[tessa_s212]

I did not assume one thing that you didn't write. In the beginning you were discussing how you should be allowed to live at home, be respected and have your relationships the way that you want them. You wanted to know about the "my house, my rules" portion of the problems you are facing. Later you tried to talk about how impossible it is for you to move out and some of us tried to offer you encouragement. The very title of your thread "18=more freedom" does not suggest that you were looking for the fastest way to self sufficiency but instead you were looking for the fastest way to be independent without being entirely on your own.

Your decisions are your own but please quit pretending the differences we are having in this discussion are because I'm too daft to understand how message boards work or read the words you wrote.

IF you read most of the responses, you would see that most others expect the same things, and raise their kids that way. I don't think it is honestly that much to wish for. When someone is graduated form highschool and is making a considerable contribution to the house by working and paying, yes, I do believe that individual should be given more freedom, as do most other members here on this forum. No, that isn't a free for all, that is simply more freedom than they had in the past.

I said I could not move out right now. I never complained how impossible it woudl be for me in the future. I can and I will find a way to get out of this house.

Actually, when typing this entire thread, I had the mindset of how much I'd like to move out and live on my own. However, I know that that requires money. Money that I do not have right now. The title of this thread actually had very little to do with my thoughts. I just simply had no other idea what to title this thread without making the title an entire paragraph.

The differences we have actually got quite a bit to do with assumptions. People on this thread have assumed many things before actually asking, such as the assumption that I wish to live at home, have my parents pay for everything, cook for me, yet still have complete freedom. I have stated several times taht complete freedom is not what I wanted, but just respect and more freedom than what I have had in the past, yet this assumption still keeps floating around.