Wedding advice.

[sillysally]

We had kids at are wedding-all the way from my 1 week old nephew to teenagers-and I wouldn't have had it any other way. Our wedding was for DH and I to celebrate our marriage with family and friends, and children are included in that package. We had some really cute candid photos that involved kids too. The cake was not knocked over, nothing was set afire, herds of children were not rampaging through the reception hall, etc. Also, I had a buffet style meal, because I'm a picky eater and didn't want to pay for food on my plate that I wasn't going to eat, so we didn't have to worry about kids (or myself) not eating most of the food served. My MIL repeatedly mentioned how nobody where she grew up had kids at their wedding, and I repeatedly told her that I was going to have kids there.

And this is coming from someone who has no kids and might not ever have kids.

I did want to add that if people are traveling long distances to be at your wedding, don't be surprised if they come if they cannot bring their kids. It's a lot harder to swing a weekend of babysitting than just an evening.

 

[Paviche]

BUT if your day would be ruined because some kid cried, maybe there are other issues?

People just seem to spend so much time and energy on having the "perfect" day rather than a good marriage.

The only "issue" behind my day being ruined is my problem with children. Children in general, although especially screaming crying children, stress me the hell out. You seem to be suggesting that that's evidence of some deeper personal flaw or "issue" when honestly it's just that I DON'T like kids, period. To be honest, it's kind of offensive.

Like Fran said, it's not one or the other as far as wedding vs actual marriage.

My wedding is important to me. Yes, it's often a way to celebrate marriage with family and friends, but I honestly wouldn't be opposed to it just being my partner and me. I know a couple who went up to the mountains, found a beautiful spot and said their vows there, in private. I think that's beautiful. I would probably want my family and friends to be included, but not at the cost of myself and my partner having to make huge sacrifices on our day.

Then again, I don't want a large ceremony. Close family & close friends only.

 

[Dogdragoness]

^^ Now that sounds like my kind of wedding!

Hells yeah! :music_guitarred: :headbanger:

 

[Dogdragoness]

The only "issue" behind my day being ruined is my problem with children. Children in general, although especially screaming crying children, stress me the hell out. You seem to be suggesting that that's evidence of some deeper personal flaw or "issue" when honestly it's just that I DON'T like kids, period. To be honest, it's kind of offensive.

Like Fran said, it's not one or the other as far as wedding vs actual marriage.

My wedding is important to me. Yes, it's often a way to celebrate marriage with family and friends, but I honestly wouldn't be opposed to it just being my partner and me. I know a couple who went up to the mountains, found a beautiful spot and said their vows there, in private. I think that's beautiful. I would probably want my family and friends to be included, but not at the cost of myself and my partner having to make huge sacrifices on our day.

Then again, I don't want a large ceremony. Close family & close friends only.

I am glad that someone sees the same view that I do, I personally find it offensive that my not wanting tiny humans or not liking tiny humans means to some that I have a crappy relationship and that my ceremony isn't a celebration of family and friends simply because I don't want tiny humans there :/

the kind of ceremony we plan on having wouldn't be appropriate for kids anyway.

 

[HayleyMarie]

Thanks guys,

I still have decided either way what we are going to do. I might leave it up to the parents discretion on what they want to do, because honestly I know I would not want to take my young child to a wedding. I would want to enjoy myself without worrying about my child.

Our venue is in the country and we have it all weekend so people can bring their campers and trailers it they want and put the kids to bed and continue partying. I also plan on setting up lawn games outside to entertain the kids and I probably will be setting up coloring books at the table where the kids are sitting with their parents


And yes, I would be ticked off if a child put his hands on my cake that I spent hundreds of dollars on, would it ruin my night? No! but it sure as hell would **** me off. And no, my future husband and I don;t have issues in our relationship and in ourselves and to say that people who would be concerned about such things must have underlying issues to me is darn right rude.

 

[release the hounds]

i've been called much worse than rude. and you're perfectly normal. it can **** you of, it won't ruin your day. it's called perspective. You seem to have it.

I may be blunt, I may even be a ****ing asshole. But seriously, If a crying child can ruin your entire day of celebration with friends and family, there are issues at play. What are you going to do when illness, job loss, business failure, broken down cars, etc happen?

and for about the 3rd time, I never said you had issues with YOUR relationship, I said bigger hardships were in your future. You think i'm wrong? I find it highly unlikely a person that doesn't have the coping skills to deal with a crying baby for a few seconds has the skills to tackle the bigger problems in life.

 

[Dogdragoness]

ess that it de pends on where the couple is having the wedding, if they are having it at a place like an old mansion, or like someone else mentioned, having an atmosphere that is not conducive to kids, than maybe it would be best if the event had an age limit.

@release the hounds also, crying and screaming kids are an anxiety trigger for some people (like me, my psychologist has concluded that's the reason They affect me the way they do) and on an already stressful day ... no just ... no. I have a high stress job, I deal with crazy, high octane race horses, I am no stranger to stress. But I do have certain triggers and I would racer not have them pushed on OUR day, thanks.

In our personal life our relationship has survived: moving, leaving jobs, changing jobs, flat tires, broken down cars, and even a horrible living and working situation.

 

[sassafras]

I don't think anyone here would have their day ruined by a baby crying "for a few seconds" lol.

I also don't think it says anything about someone's general coping skills that they want ONE day that they have likely been planning for a significant period of time to be special and perfect. It's not like people either have good coping skills all the time in every single context and all circumstances or they don't.

 

[Dogdragoness]

Yep and a wedding day is already stressful enough, just because a couple doesn't want the added stress of rambunctious or fussing small kids at their wedding doesn't mean their coping skills over all are bad.

also what baby only cries "for a few seconds".

 

[Greenmagick]

also what baby only cries "for a few seconds".

uh, many? Because the vast majority of parents, if a baby starts to fuss and doesnt immediately settle get up and leave and go to a hall or something to not disturb a ceremony.

 

[sparks19]

When my cousin got married, I travelled 10 hours to be there. Hannah was 2 years old. My dad watched her at his house during the ceremony because I figured she might get bored and maybe not be perfevtly quiet. Then I went and picked her up and took her to the reception. The dinner and speeches were almost 3 hours long. I brought snacks, books, crayons and coloring books and small toys. She was a doll. She didn't fuss necause we kept her busy.

As for it beig such a stressful day that you just couldn't possibly stand another trigger... WTH? Why do people do that to themselves if it's so stressful? Lol.

 

[release the hounds]

uh, many? Because the vast majority of parents, if a baby starts to fuss and doesnt immediately settle get up and leave and go to a hall or something to not disturb a ceremony.

Exactly, which is the point I made earlier about relationships and having the people important to you there. If a baby is screaming for the entire time, i'd question why I had invited someone with so little respect for us to do that. But those people are the kind that get invited to anything we do.

I tend to trust those I'd invite to handle their children.

 

[Dogdragoness]

I suppose it depends on the people the couple is inviting and how well they know them, for us it would be a NO. Mostly because of the kind of ceremony we plan to have, it just wouldn't be kid appropriate. If having a bunch of kids around is what defines a marriage ceremony for you than by all means do it, but to chastise someone for c hosing not to have a ceremony like thst IMO is rude.

@Sparks if course Hannah was perfect ... you have like the most perfect kid ever!

 

[Beanie]

Leaving everything else alone because holy moly LOL.

I'm wondering what kind of weddings everyone else goes to where the ceremony is an hour or more. LOL

Catholic wedding services are at least an hour long; Greek orthodox as well (and have you ever been to a Greek baptism ceremony? O.M.G...) The most recent wedding I went to was at a Lutheran church and it was 40 minutes - the minister basically gave a short service on marriage.

But I think when people are talking "wedding" they are talking more about the reception which is usually several hours long. And depending on how considerate your bride and groom are, may not even start until a few hours after the ceremony...


I'm not sure I personally would want to inflict a five or six hour wedding and reception on small children, but it really does depend on a lot of things to me. Like are there other kids to interact with - because when I was a kid, there was me, my sister, and our two cousins who we didn't really play with. Those were the kids in the family. It might be different for larger families with lots more kids who can all entertain each other. And, of course, how adult-centric is the wedding? Is this going to be majorly boring for the kid for hours and hours and HOURS? I'm all for kids learning how to entertain themselves (and hopefully not by pulling out a smartphone or a tablet, though that seems to be the pattern these days) but I feel like a parent should also be fair to their kids.

The problem isn't really kids, it's parents. The responsible parents I know wouldn't drag their kid along, allow them to run wild at a wedding ceremony OR reception, would WATCH their kid, and also wouldn't expect the kid to tolerate this adult nonsense for hours on end without calling it a night long before the no-kids-attached folks do. But not everybody is like that. So I guess when people are making judgment calls on kids being invited or not invited to their wedding, they are making judgment calls on the parents of these children they are inviting, haha. And, well, you know... everybody knows their family and friends best. Moreso than total strangers on the internet, most likely.

we have alcoholics in the family who we didn't want to risk causing issues. Fun stuff!

Like this. I know how my friends and some of my family deal with alcohol. I don't really like children, but I would rather children running around screaming and crying at my reception than somebody getting alcohol poisoning at my reception. So if somebody makes a decision like NO KIDS because a lot of their friends are, um, well... not very good parents... well, that doesn't make them bad friends, necessarily... just bad parents.

 

[Jules]

I'd say go with your instinct. You know the parents and kids you'd potentially be inviting best. I guess it also depends on how big your wedding is.

You know, I wouldn't have a problem or would be offended if I was invited to a wedding without small children. If I had a trustworthy babysitter, I'd attend your wedding, stay at the reception, then go home. If I'd had to travel or my baby was too little, then I'd decline and send a nice gift. But I wouldn't be butthurt. I'm not sure why there is such a strong discussion about it here?!

It's (both of) YOUR day and you should celebrate it the way you feel good about it.

 

[Dogdragoness]

I'd say go with your instinct. You know the parents and kids you'd potentially be inviting best. I guess it also depends on how big your wedding is.

You know, I wouldn't have a problem or would be offended if I was invited to a wedding without small children. If I had a trustworthy babysitter, I'd attend your wedding, stay at the reception, then go home. If I'd had to travel or my baby was too little, then I'd decline and send a nice gift. But I wouldn't be butthurt. I'm not sure why there is such a strong discussion about it here?!

It's (both of) YOUR day and you should celebrate it the way you feel good about it.

I have some family and friends who have older kids (8 and 13 age group) who are VERY well behaved. Also fiancée is catholic so there is a chance we might have a catholic wedding, which can be quite long. I cant imagine subjecting a toddler or young baby to this kind of thing. So I will pick and choose whose kids I invite, maybe use the excuse that they have some role in the wedding LOL.

I guess that's what I was getting at, was I was trying to defend her right to celebrate their day the way they want, and some people's objection to that, in the end they are the ones paying for it, so they have the right to invite (or not invite) whoever they want and shouldn't be shamed for it.

 

[k9krazee]

If I had a family member/friend who had a nursing infant, I would make an exception. Or of there were five kids in my entire family -- but a lot of my cousins have 4-5 kids EACH. No thank you!

We didn't even invite my nieces and nephews 0.o Probably should have, would've kept my sister-in-law from falling off the patio and puking in the bushes

 

[Dogdragoness]

I don't know if I would even make an exception for a nursing baby, because IMO a child that young doesn't need to be out ANYWHERE much less at a wedding.

 

[Greenmagick]

I don't know if I would even make an exception for a nursing baby, because IMO a child that young doesn't need to be out ANYWHERE much less at a wedding.

Whaaaat? Do you know how unhealthy it is to not get a baby out and about? For mother's mental health AND baby...babies need to get out.

Wait, you know what, nevermind. Its not worth it.

 

[AllieMackie]

I don't know if I would even make an exception for a nursing baby, because IMO a child that young doesn't need to be out ANYWHERE much less at a wedding.

haha what