Wedding advice.

[HayleyMarie]

So I am up in arms on what to do. I actually have no idea what to do and can;t make up my mind on the subject of inviting young children to my wedding. And by young I mean under the age of 7. There are some guests with older children and then they also have a 2 year old. My main fear is to have children screaming and running around like crazy apes. And one of the wedding I went to I had to stop someones child from grabbing a handful of wedding cake, before they cut it.

I have some cousins with younger children and at the last family wedding we went to they seemed not to have fun because they where stuck with their children the whole time. I don't want parents to feel obligated to bring their children if they rather find a babysitter.

My mother is ruthless and says if you don;t want the 2 year old there, but want their 12 year old sister there. Just invite the 12 year old.

I am so confused on what to do. AHHHH!!!! *@$%^

ADVICE PLEASE.

 

[Fran101]

None of my friends invited children to their weddings and none of them regretted it lol
If you don't want them there, or you only want a few specific ones there, then do that.

It's YOUR day and your fiances day. that's it.
Send out your invites, and put individuals on the invites, not "and family" not anything.

THIS ISN'T ABOUT THEM OR THEIR KIDS. Make whatever excuse you want, oh it's expensive per head, the venue is small, we are cutting costs, our uncle larry is a pedophile...whatever.

prepare for criticism, some parents tend to take fault with anything that isn't catered to them, but planning a wedding means stepping on some toes. People who love you, will be there. No matter what.

it’s tacky to write ‘no children’ on the invites. Instead, put on the RSVP card that it will be an ‘adult reception’. Another way of saying this is to write “We have reserved_ seats in your honor†and just include the number of adults.
Do not use the word "family" anywhere on the invitation or save the date.

I've been to weddings where the kids were lovely.
I've also been to weddings where kids played tag on the dance floor, cried during the ceremony, stole cake before it was cut, cried some more, ran around...Personally? I know for mine kids won't be there. It's just not worth it for me and everyone I know with one who I love I know would just get a babysitter and everyone else can suck it.

It helps if you have a later wedding (8pm) or black tie.

http://thestir.cafemom.com/love_sex/131708/in_defense_of_brides_who

This is your ONE BIG DAY to be totally selfish. It's about you as a couple, do what you want.

Send your RSVPs really early, if your aunt louise and her triplets can't find a babysitter in 7 months then she didn't want to come.

Personally though? I would make exceptions for flower girl and other key guests (like if you have siblings) but I wouldn't go picking around one kid or another... stick with adults only, make an age limit (with small exception for flower girl or whatever), don't make exceptions for people WHO ARE RUDE ENOUGH TO CALL YOU AND LET ME MAKE IT CLEAR THAT IS INCREDIBLY RUDE
unless you really like this 12 year old. Stick to your guns and don't make an exception, she's a child.

safe to assume if "and family" or whatever isn't on the invite, don't call, they aren't invited. Why don't people get this? Why must we make it awkward? Don't like it, don't come.

 

[SoCrafty]

My wedding is this Saturday coming up. I did not care if children attended or not. My parents, who are paying, put their foot down and said NO KIDS. It was the first thing I feel might have put a wedge between his family, and me. It upsets me terribly.

However, my mom made good points. They would have to pay for adult sized portions of e,pensive meals that might not get eaten, another chair to rent, then there is the distraction of hyper active children running around. The day is about the bride and groom.

My extended family loved the idea of no kids. They were always ones that had never been to a wedding without. They are excited to have a night to get up in fancy clothes, drink, dance and be adults without worrying where their kids are to keep the entertained.

If was tricky though. My mom spoke with everyone with little kids on our side to let them know. His mom called the one or two families on his side to tell them. On our invitations we put 'number of adults attending', and on our website we made a statement that said something like the in order to connect better with loved ones at the ceremony and reception, the bride and groom request the exclusive presence of family and friends18 years and older.

You can't invite some kids but not others. All the etiquette things I read were pretty clear on that. I'm afraid its all or nothing. BUT if you are not that concerned, you can do it how you want and invite the older kids but not younger.

Be aware that if you choose to go this route, you risk offending people. But there are going to be offended anyway, no matter what you do. Like, for instance, our theme is like country chic autumn and people are angry that we are not serving champagne to toast. We are doing apple cider. It's the SAME price as the champagne, but most people don't like champagne and both the planner and person at venue said the trend has been not to have it and he and I don't drink. Surely, if people care that much they can go to the open bar lol.

I wish you luck. Don't let anyone make YOU feel bad. This is your day, you are going to spend a fortune and you should have it the way you want.

 

[Greenmagick]

Its very much going to be a personal decision. I did no kids at my wedding (honestly didnt really think about it at all) and now feel a bit bad about it (though no one seemed to have a problem with it). My children have been to many weddings since and they always have a blast and really in many ways bring a lot of fun to the wedding.

So much will depend on the families involved though, how many kids, overall feel, etc. I have personally never seen kids cause a problem BUT if something like the cake getting messed up, or crying, or a kid running through the ceremony will ruin it for you, than dont do it. However, if you can just go with it and view it as a fun memory then do it. (Again, I think its pretty rare kids will really "ruin" a wedding but some people really want things "perfect").

I was at a wedding once where one of the toddlers ran up onto the altar and started dancing around. We all thought it was hilarious and fun (well maybe except the parent who had to sneak up and grab the lol) but I guess others would be really upset about it.

 

[sparks19]

Yeesh so many rules and ins and outs. I have no advice I eloped because I
Couldn't stand having
To plan like this lol

 

[Greenmagick]

Oh I will add....while it is totally your choice whether or not to have kids, you DO have to take your guests needs into consideration. If you have close friends and family members with young children you cant get upset if they are not able to make it if you choose no children. Especially if you have people coming in from out of town...that would be really hard for many people with children to manage.

 

[Greenmagick]

safe to assume if "and family" or whatever isn't on the invite, don't call, they aren't invited. Why don't people get this? Why must we make it awkward? Don't like it, don't come.

I do have to comment on this....MANY people just assume they are inviting children and dont put and family. When my best friend got married I KNEW children were invited because we had talked about, she had all kinds of things planned for them and just has a ton in her family. None of the invites specified and kids or plus family. Several other weddings I have been to recently were the same way. For them and their families children were ALWAYS invited and assumed to be coming so there was never a special mention of it on the invitation.

So, unless it says adult only dont take calls to clarify personally as there is a huge range of what people do and assume when addressing the invitations.

Yes, the day is about you and your fiance....BUT the point of a wedding is also to share it with family and friends. When inviting guests there should be thought going into making them feel welcome and comfortable.

 

[Beanie]

Yes, the day is about you and your fiance....BUT the point of a wedding is also to share it with family and friends. When inviting guests there should be thought going into making them feel welcome and comfortable.

Yep.


I don't know how many kids you have in the family so it might not be practical, but I have known weddings where they actually hire a babysitter to sit at the "kid's table" and watch the kids at the wedding - if the reception venue allows they even have a "kids only" room where the kids get to come in and play with the sitter. That way parents don't feel put out having to hire a sitter on their own, but the kids are also occupied in a child-appropriate way. The sitter is there exclusively to watch the kids, not to also celebrate with you and other friends/family on the day of your wedding (which is the whole point!), so their attention doesn't really get divided up like a parent's might.

Doesn't really work if you have massive amounts of children in the family, but it's an idea I've seen before that might work for you depending...

 

[crazedACD]

Yep.


I don't know how many kids you have in the family so it might not be practical, but I have known weddings where they actually hire a babysitter to sit at the "kid's table" and watch the kids at the wedding - if the reception venue allows they even have a "kids only" room where the kids get to come in and play with the sitter. That way parents don't feel put out having to hire a sitter on their own, but the kids are also occupied in a child-appropriate way. The sitter is there exclusively to watch the kids, not to also celebrate with you and other friends/family on the day of your wedding (which is the whole point!), so their attention doesn't really get divided up like a parent's might.

Doesn't really work if you have massive amounts of children in the family, but it's an idea I've seen before that might work for you depending...

This is an excellent idea.

 

[sassafras]

I have some cousins with younger children and at the last family wedding we went to they seemed not to have fun because they where stuck with their children the whole time. I don't want parents to feel obligated to bring their children if they rather find a babysitter.

I wouldn't try to do these mental gymnastics. If parents would rather find a babysitter, they are perfectly free to do so and might choose to even if you do invite the children.

If you don't want young children there, then specify no children under a certain age. If you don't mind if young children are there, then specify all ages are welcome.

FWIW, my husband's extended family is huge with lots and lots of little cousins, and I've never seen them ruin an important/serious event like a wedding or a funeral. I think people worry about that happening more than it actually happens.

 

[Laurelin]

I think a lot would depend on family dynamics. I know in my family it would be really weird and rude not to invite peoples' kids. Too many people have kids and not all are well off enough to afford a sitter.

At any rate, I plan on eloping if I ever get married so it doesn't matter.

 

[k9krazee]

We excluded all kids from our wedding----actually we restricted it to "over 21". There were a handful of 16-18 year olds that I feel bad that they were excluded, but overall very happy with my decision. There were a few families who didn't show up because all of their "sitters" we already at the wedding and people who probably hate me for it but I don't care

I say do what you want! We just specified names on the invite and people were respectful & understanding for the most part.

 

[Dogdragoness]

None of my friends invited children to their weddings and none of them regretted it lol
If you don't want them there, or you only want a few specific ones there, then do that.

It's YOUR day and your fiances day. that's it.
Send out your invites, and put individuals on the invites, not "and family" not anything.

THIS ISN'T ABOUT THEM OR THEIR KIDS. Make whatever excuse you want, oh it's expensive per head, the venue is small, we are cutting costs, our uncle larry is a pedophile...whatever.

prepare for criticism, some parents tend to take fault with anything that isn't catered to them, but planning a wedding means stepping on some toes. People who love you, will be there. No matter what.

it’s tacky to write ‘no children’ on the invites. Instead, put on the RSVP card that it will be an ‘adult reception’. Another way of saying this is to write “We have reserved_ seats in your honor†and just include the number of adults.
Do not use the word "family" anywhere on the invitation or save the date.

I've been to weddings where the kids were lovely.
I've also been to weddings where kids played tag on the dance floor, cried during the ceremony, stole cake before it was cut, cried some more, ran around...Personally? I know for mine kids won't be there. It's just not worth it for me and everyone I know with one who I love I know would just get a babysitter and everyone else can suck it.

It helps if you have a later wedding (8pm) or black tie.

http://thestir.cafemom.com/love_sex/131708/in_defense_of_brides_who

This is your ONE BIG DAY to be totally selfish. It's about you as a couple, do what you want.

Send your RSVPs really early, if your aunt louise and her triplets can't find a babysitter in 7 months then she didn't want to come.

Personally though? I would make exceptions for flower girl and other key guests (like if you have siblings) but I wouldn't go picking around one kid or another... stick with adults only, make an age limit (with small exception for flower girl or whatever), don't make exceptions for people WHO ARE RUDE ENOUGH TO CALL YOU AND LET ME MAKE IT CLEAR THAT IS INCREDIBLY RUDE
unless you really like this 12 year old. Stick to your guns and don't make an exception, she's a child.

safe to assume if "and family" or whatever isn't on the invite, don't call, they aren't invited. Why don't people get this? Why must we make it awkward? Don't like it, don't come.

I agree! It's your day and that day is going to be stressful and awkward enough without everyone's little monkeys running around. I don't know when getting a baby sitter became so taboo in this society and everyone suddenly felt it appropriate to bring their kids with them EVERYONE they went. But I agree a wedding is one place children do not belong!

I say if uo don't want them there say you don't and if people get mad than so be it, it's your day not theirs and it's about you guys not them!

 

[release the hounds]

Family is important, weddings are important to celebrate as families. Kids are part of families.

I don't see the big deal. I think people put way, way, way too much emphasis on the wedding day than the actual marriage. If a crying kid ruins your day (general you) I have a feeling you're in for much bigger hardships in the not too distant future.

 

[Dogdragoness]

Family is important, weddings are important to celebrate as families. Kids are part of families.

I don't see the big deal. I think people put way, way, way too much emphasis on the wedding day than the actual marriage. If a crying kid ruins your day (general you) I have a feeling you're in for much bigger hardships in the not too distant future.

See I don't agree, ruining someone's DAY doesn't reflect on their entire marriage. The day should be all about them and if they want to exclude kids under a certain age (even no one under 21 wouldn't be a bad thing either and it might be an idea we think about doing for our wedding) then they should have that right without being made to feel guilty.

Though it also depends on the family. OH's sister and her kids would be allowed because they are VERY well behaved kids and their mother is VERY strict with them. If the kids are well behaved then I don't have a problem, though toddlers and babies I would have to say no.

 

[release the hounds]

of course they have the right to do whatever they want for a wedding. I just don't understand how the celebration of starting a family, with family should exclude certain family members. Thankfully every wedding i've been to has celebrated with kids rather than exclude them. From the ring bearers to the dance offs on the dance floor, they were welcomed. I guess it's not that big of a deal when everyone involved likes and respects one another. The parents enough not to let their kids get out of control and the bride and groom for recognizing that parents are still responsible for the little ones they bring into this world.

 

[sassafras]

Eh, not everybody likes kids. *shrug*

 

[Paviche]

Eh, not everybody likes kids. *shrug*

Thank you! I really dislike kids, and having them at my wedding would stress me out to the point of ruining my day. That has nothing to do with my relationship. That has everything to do with how I feel about children.

I plan on my wedding being either 18+ or 21+. I'm willing to make exceptions for CLOSE family (my little brother is 11 years younger, and of course I want him there, no matter our ages when I get married) but that's it.

IMO a 2 year old has no place at a wedding. If a child is too young to be reasonably expected to behave themselves, then I think it's rude to take them to a long and, for them, boring ceremony.

 

[Finkie_Mom]

With the exception of my own siblings/his younger brother, we had 21+ at my wedding. My Mom is one of 12. I have over 50 first cousins and a ton of second cousins. It was just NOT practical to have all of those people there. No one seemed to mind and everyone had fun. We didn't make it a big deal - it was what it was We also just invited specific people so there was no confusion and their +1s if they were officially dating someone.

There are family weddings I'm not invited to that my parents are. I'm fine with that! I'm not offended! Weddings cost a lot of money - believe me, I play for generally 2 weddings a month. It adds up!

Actually, there have been times that my younger sister has been invited to family weddings that I have not, if she is closer with the cousin/relative getting married. That makes sense to me. And my brother who is 23 has not been to a family wedding. I haven't heard him complain yet

One thing a couple of my family members have done is to have the formal ceremony/reception and then after getting back from their honeymoon or just like a week later or so have a family party at someone's house. That way everyone wins!

 

[Dogdragoness]

Thank you! I really dislike kids, and having them at my wedding would stress me out to the point of ruining my day. That has nothing to do with my relationship. That has everything to do with how I feel about children.

I plan on my wedding being either 18+ or 21+. I'm willing to make exceptions for CLOSE family (my little brother is 11 years younger, and of course I want him there, no matter our ages when I get married) but that's it.

IMO a 2 year old has no place at a wedding. If a child is too young to be reasonably expected to behave themselves, then I think it's rude to take them to a long and, for them, boring ceremony.

Also not everyone views getting married as the stepping stone for starting a family . Some view it as the next step in THEIR lives and the solidifying of their relationship. Marriage means different things to different people.

All I am saying is someone shouldn't be chastised for not wanting young kids, or even anyone under 21 at their wedding (though we may just limit that rule to the reception).