T
But they AREN'T little adults. I don't punish my friends when they don't do something I tell them to. I don't get to tell them "No, you can't go out tonight because you didn't clean your room." Children are not adults. They need boundaries. They need a parent.
You're trying to pain ALL children as little saints that NEVER test the boundaries, and that just isn't the case. The more you let them get away with when they are little, the harder they are to discipline and control as teenagers.
You're trying to pain ALL children as little saints that NEVER test the boundaries, and that just isn't the case. The more you let them get away with when they are little, the harder they are to discipline and control as teenagers.
I'm willing to admit that I am not a perfect parent lol... I would be foolish to think I was as would ANY parent 
Hannah is praised ALWAYS. When I ask or tell her to do something and she does it I always make a big deal about what a GOOD listener she is as most of the time... she is a VERY good listener. but everyone has their slip ups. We can't all be perfect beings at all times... and whether you are a child or an adult your actions will have consequences.
If I am out doing something dangerous I would hope that my family woudl shake me back to reality (or try) instead of thinking "well I wouldn't want to be disciplined so I won't do it to her" THAT'S the POINT of discipline... it's SUPPOSED to be something you DON'T want. it would be pretty pointless if it was done in a way that you liked lol.
So while YEs... Kids LOVE to please... they not perfect or infallible. They WILL step out of line from time to time at which point there needs to be a consequence to their action. If simple no worked that time then they would definitely get praised for good listening skills and doing as they were asked... but perhaps it's just my lazy inept parenting skills but no doesn't work 100% of the time no matter what. not sure how I could spend MORE time unless we started staying up all night
Hannah is praised ALWAYS. When I ask or tell her to do something and she does it I always make a big deal about what a GOOD listener she is as most of the time... she is a VERY good listener. but everyone has their slip ups. We can't all be perfect beings at all times... and whether you are a child or an adult your actions will have consequences.
If I am out doing something dangerous I would hope that my family woudl shake me back to reality (or try) instead of thinking "well I wouldn't want to be disciplined so I won't do it to her" THAT'S the POINT of discipline... it's SUPPOSED to be something you DON'T want. it would be pretty pointless if it was done in a way that you liked lol.
So while YEs... Kids LOVE to please... they not perfect or infallible. They WILL step out of line from time to time at which point there needs to be a consequence to their action. If simple no worked that time then they would definitely get praised for good listening skills and doing as they were asked... but perhaps it's just my lazy inept parenting skills but no doesn't work 100% of the time no matter what. not sure how I could spend MORE time unless we started staying up all night
OF COURSE I know there are naturally those children that rebel. so what...that means we automatically slap them? now I ask you..seriously??? NO. you get down on to their level..tell them their behavior isn't acceptable..toss their little a$$ in the car and head home if you must...put them to bed. BUT YOU DON'T SLAP OR HIT THEM...EVER. that is ridiculous adult reaction. you just step back, take a deep breath, and start again.
hitting is like smacking your puppy. what does that do? it doesn't get you respect, it causes fear. I would die before I'd cause fear in my child.
hitting is like smacking your puppy. what does that do? it doesn't get you respect, it causes fear. I would die before I'd cause fear in my child.
I remeber when I was about 5 I was fidgeting in my chair in a restuarant and my mother leaned over and wispered "if you don't sit still I'm going to get my wooden spoon out.
I pointed to another little boy and said but mummy he's allowed to. And instead of explaining why that was wrong she just said do you want me to get the wooden spoon out.
My sister and I were terrified of that wooden spoon although I can't remember my mum actually hitting us with it. We are both well behaved in public except for sometimes when we are mucking around but we know exactly how far we can go before we are in big trouble.
Once when i was older say 8 or 9 my mum kicked me out of the house and told me never to come back ever again. It was dark and I was scared of the dark and I honestly thought she meant it. She left me out there for half an hour before she told me to come in and do my homework she never said she was sorry she just carried on as normal .
But you know if a kid is doing something dangerous a sharp short lesson is going to work faster than sitting down and explaining again and again why it is dangerous especially if they are very young. I know that if my mum hadn't been as firm with me when I was younger I would probably be more confident now but that isn't all her fault. I also know if she hadn't been as firm with my sister then my sister would be a hooligan.
I still think what my mum did was wrong but then I am only 14 and when you compare my life with what my mums was when she was my age I have a lot to be garteful for.
I pointed to another little boy and said but mummy he's allowed to. And instead of explaining why that was wrong she just said do you want me to get the wooden spoon out.
My sister and I were terrified of that wooden spoon although I can't remember my mum actually hitting us with it. We are both well behaved in public except for sometimes when we are mucking around but we know exactly how far we can go before we are in big trouble.
Once when i was older say 8 or 9 my mum kicked me out of the house and told me never to come back ever again
. It was dark and I was scared of the dark and I honestly thought she meant it. She left me out there for half an hour before she told me to come in and do my homework she never said she was sorry she just carried on as normal .But you know if a kid is doing something dangerous a sharp short lesson is going to work faster than sitting down and explaining again and again why it is dangerous especially if they are very young. I know that if my mum hadn't been as firm with me when I was younger I would probably be more confident now but that isn't all her fault. I also know if she hadn't been as firm with my sister then my sister would be a hooligan.
I still think what my mum did was wrong but then I am only 14 and when you compare my life with what my mums was when she was my age I have a lot to be garteful for.
No I dont. I just wanted to show that my parents were not crazy strict parents and it benefitted me and my brother. And actually, yeah I had no curfew. My parents bought me and my brother both cars when we turned 16, and we had no curfew. I have found that kids that have 9pm curfews are more likely to lie and say they are staying at a friends and break said curfew, because MOST of my high schools friends had curfews.
And idk, I was raised in NY, and my friends little brother recently graduated from high school, and yeah, the parents throw a huge party and alcohol is involved.
My parents never FORBID me from smoking or drinking or doing drugs. I TRIED pot. twice. Didnt care for it. My parents know about it, and my parents let me learn my own lessons.
When I was 2, and my cousin was 1 1/2, my aunt was at my house. Every single thing she didnt want my cousin touching she put up somewhere out of his reach. Including a plate full of like some kind of seafood. My mom said no, put that back so we can reach it. I walked up to it, took some, ate it, and didnt like it. But I left that plate alone for the rest of the night. Compared to my cousin who kept wanting it cuz his mom kept taking it away.
My parents gave me freedom. Yeah they were parents, and there were RULES. But because of my relationship with them, and how comfortable I was with them, they never had to impose PUNISHMENTS on me because I never broke the rules. I can honestly 100% without one bit of doubt tell you I have NEVER lied to my parents. Kind of a bold statement, yeah, but thats just how I am. And I am grateful for them.
Oh I know tessa. I wasnt offended. I dont think a swat on the backside is going to ruin a kid.
I think thats much different than "You knew you arent supposed to do that, get over here so I can spank you." Thats a physical punishment that only satisfies the parents anger.
IMO the punishment should fit the crime. You broke curfew? Alright, you dont get to go out next weekend since you clearly dont know how to get home on time.
I dont think that just because your kid curses it should have its mouth washed out with soap. That is a physical punishment that IMo does nothing. If anything, your kid wont curse around you but they will at school. The more forbidden you make something, the more appealing it is. Human nature.
And idk, I was raised in NY, and my friends little brother recently graduated from high school, and yeah, the parents throw a huge party and alcohol is involved.
My parents never FORBID me from smoking or drinking or doing drugs. I TRIED pot. twice. Didnt care for it. My parents know about it, and my parents let me learn my own lessons.
When I was 2, and my cousin was 1 1/2, my aunt was at my house. Every single thing she didnt want my cousin touching she put up somewhere out of his reach. Including a plate full of like some kind of seafood. My mom said no, put that back so we can reach it. I walked up to it, took some, ate it, and didnt like it. But I left that plate alone for the rest of the night. Compared to my cousin who kept wanting it cuz his mom kept taking it away.
My parents gave me freedom. Yeah they were parents, and there were RULES. But because of my relationship with them, and how comfortable I was with them, they never had to impose PUNISHMENTS on me because I never broke the rules. I can honestly 100% without one bit of doubt tell you I have NEVER lied to my parents. Kind of a bold statement, yeah, but thats just how I am. And I am grateful for them.
Oh I know tessa. I wasnt offended. I dont think a swat on the backside is going to ruin a kid.
I think thats much different than "You knew you arent supposed to do that, get over here so I can spank you." Thats a physical punishment that only satisfies the parents anger.
IMO the punishment should fit the crime. You broke curfew? Alright, you dont get to go out next weekend since you clearly dont know how to get home on time.
I dont think that just because your kid curses it should have its mouth washed out with soap. That is a physical punishment that IMo does nothing. If anything, your kid wont curse around you but they will at school. The more forbidden you make something, the more appealing it is. Human nature.
fear my BUTT lol
my always tells this story... I don't remember it happening actually but she always tells it.
I was about 3 1/2. my mom asked me to do something I didn't want to do. I refused FLAT OUT refused. as she was taking me to my room in a total act of defiance I stopped and looked at her and pooped in my pants on purpose. TOTAL act of defiance. She swatted me right on the a$$
I'm hardly afraid of my mother and never was. I believe my dad also spanked me one time but I can't remember why... again... no fear of my father.
want to know who I feared? my sister. she enver laid a hand on me but she was manipulative and a BULLY and woudl lie to hurt us. I feared HER because she could NOT be trusted.
but getting a spanking or being disciplined by my parents did not make me not trust them or FEAR them. Now if you are beating the snot out of your kids every chance to get YEAH that will cause them to fear you. but a swat on the butt is not going to totally ruin you for life
and NO... I have NEVER swatted Hannahs' hand in anger EVER. and in the future if I feel she needs a spanking she will be sent to her room while I collect myself and then she will get her spanking and then we will sit and talk about WHY that happened.
again... not everyone's cup of tea. not everyone is going to agree or like it. but you know what? good for you she's MY responsibility and I will do what I feel is nessecary for the situation
One method does not work for everyone. and unless people are truly abusing their kids then I have MORE of an issue with people who let their kids do whatever they want and act however they want than i do with someone who administers a spanking.
my always tells this story... I don't remember it happening actually but she always tells it.
I was about 3 1/2. my mom asked me to do something I didn't want to do. I refused FLAT OUT refused. as she was taking me to my room in a total act of defiance I stopped and looked at her and pooped in my pants on purpose. TOTAL act of defiance. She swatted me right on the a$$
I'm hardly afraid of my mother and never was. I believe my dad also spanked me one time but I can't remember why... again... no fear of my father.
want to know who I feared? my sister. she enver laid a hand on me but she was manipulative and a BULLY and woudl lie to hurt us. I feared HER because she could NOT be trusted.
but getting a spanking or being disciplined by my parents did not make me not trust them or FEAR them. Now if you are beating the snot out of your kids every chance to get YEAH that will cause them to fear you. but a swat on the butt is not going to totally ruin you for life
and NO... I have NEVER swatted Hannahs' hand in anger EVER. and in the future if I feel she needs a spanking she will be sent to her room while I collect myself and then she will get her spanking and then we will sit and talk about WHY that happened.
again... not everyone's cup of tea. not everyone is going to agree or like it. but you know what? good for you
she's MY responsibility and I will do what I feel is nessecary for the situationOne method does not work for everyone. and unless people are truly abusing their kids then I have MORE of an issue with people who let their kids do whatever they want and act however they want than i do with someone who administers a spanking.
I never want my kids to be terrified of anything because of me.
My brother and I always went to restaurants and on planes with my parents, and even as young as 2 and 3 years old, we were never those annoying crying screaming kids. My parents never had to raise their voice.
I get it guys. It looks like I am bragging. I honestly think my parents just got it right and were amazing parents. My dad also worked from home, his shop was next door, and for the first 6 years of my life, my mom stayed home with me. My parents made sure they were present in every aspect of our lives, and made sure that they were involved parents. I think I was lucky. I dont know why we never rebelled. But my brother and I are both under 25 years old, have very well paying jobs, and are well rounded people. If I am HALF the mom my mom was, I would consider myself lucky.
My brother and I always went to restaurants and on planes with my parents, and even as young as 2 and 3 years old, we were never those annoying crying screaming kids. My parents never had to raise their voice.
I get it guys. It looks like I am bragging. I honestly think my parents just got it right and were amazing parents. My dad also worked from home, his shop was next door, and for the first 6 years of my life, my mom stayed home with me. My parents made sure they were present in every aspect of our lives, and made sure that they were involved parents. I think I was lucky. I dont know why we never rebelled. But my brother and I are both under 25 years old, have very well paying jobs, and are well rounded people. If I am HALF the mom my mom was, I would consider myself lucky.
in the long and short of it, we all parent as we think fit. then we hope we did what was the right thing to do. we breathe deep..we sip wine..we hope. kids are.........kids. in all different packages, different personalities..some test our true grit! parents don't come with a handbook of 'how to do it right'. we just roll with the punches. I and I say *I* don't believe in ever hitting a child..a person..an adult..a dog..etc. hey..that's just me. it's worked well for us, our two kidlets are quite amazing people. for you? do what you feel you need to do. just don't tell me about when you hit your child. cause then I'll become a raving lunatic, and I WILL rip you to pieces. happy weekend everyone.
True story--
When I was little my mom was big into the "chose your consequence." It was usually that I had a "time out," had to do a small chore, had a privilege taken away, etc. So I did something one time and my mom asked me to chose the consequence that fit my action and I asked to be spanked. Mom was horrified (she was not a spanker)--she told me that she was NOT going to spank me for whatever I had done and had me pick another.
Apparently in my 5 year old brain the cost/benefit analysis of the situation concluded that the spanking would be shorter than a time out, less work than a chore, and would suck less than not be able to do something I wanted....
When I was little my mom was big into the "chose your consequence." It was usually that I had a "time out," had to do a small chore, had a privilege taken away, etc. So I did something one time and my mom asked me to chose the consequence that fit my action and I asked to be spanked. Mom was horrified (she was not a spanker)--she told me that she was NOT going to spank me for whatever I had done and had me pick another.
Apparently in my 5 year old brain the cost/benefit analysis of the situation concluded that the spanking would be shorter than a time out, less work than a chore, and would suck less than not be able to do something I wanted....
My parents weren't strict either really.
I was grounded once and that was for a DARN good reason lol. I pushed my boundaries WAAAAAAY beyond the line. but I didn't do it again after that that's for sure.
I was allowed to enjoy an alcoholic beverage at home on a hot summer day or at a special occassion. I remember one new years I think I was 16 and I didn't have any plans I was just staying home so my dad gave me a 6 pack of beer and we just watched movies... I only drank maybe two of thsoe beers lol and he knew that would be the case. (case HAHA no pun intended)
My curfew was 10 on school nights but once I turned 18 my curfew was no longer.
my mom and I definitely had some arguments that would usually end with "FINE" and slamming my bedroom door lol. but we also did a lot of stuff together like going to the movies or taking crafting classes together and my friends would always make fun of me when we would go out because I would always want to stop and call my mom just to say HI. so we were kinda buddies but she was always my MOM first.
these days... she is definitely my best friend (other than my hsuband) we are very close and talk on the phone everyday.
I was grounded once and that was for a DARN good reason lol. I pushed my boundaries WAAAAAAY beyond the line. but I didn't do it again after that that's for sure.
I was allowed to enjoy an alcoholic beverage at home on a hot summer day or at a special occassion. I remember one new years I think I was 16 and I didn't have any plans I was just staying home so my dad gave me a 6 pack of beer and we just watched movies... I only drank maybe two of thsoe beers lol and he knew that would be the case. (case HAHA no pun intended)
My curfew was 10 on school nights but once I turned 18 my curfew was no longer.
my mom and I definitely had some arguments that would usually end with "FINE" and slamming my bedroom door lol. but we also did a lot of stuff together like going to the movies or taking crafting classes together and my friends would always make fun of me when we would go out because I would always want to stop and call my mom just to say HI. so we were kinda buddies but she was always my MOM first.
these days... she is definitely my best friend (other than my hsuband) we are very close and talk on the phone everyday.
in the long and short of it, we all parent as we think fit. then we hope we did what was the right thing to do. we breathe deep..we sip wine..we hope. kids are.........kids. in all different packages, different personalities..some test our true grit! parents don't come with a handbook of 'how to do it right'. we just roll with the punches. I and I say *I* don't believe in ever hitting a child..a person..an adult..a dog..etc. hey..that's just me. it's worked well for us, our two kidlets are quite amazing people. for you? do what you feel you need to do. just don't tell me about when you hit your child. cause then I'll become a raving lunatic, and I WILL rip you to pieces. happy weekend everyone.
or 2... or 10 when they become teenagers
haha ok I kid I kid... m aybe
T
I don't think forbidding something always makes it more appealing. Not at all. My mom forbid me to smoke... threatened all sorts of things if we ever did. I never wanted to smoke. My mom forbid dating. That didn't make dating any more appealing. I did not date until I found the man that is now my husband. My mom forbid drinking and drugs. That didn't make it any more appealing to me. My mom forbid cursing. That did not make it any more appealing to me. Sure, my mom did a lot of things wrong and I would have liked to feel that my mom was concerned with my feelings a little, but just because she forbid some things didn't automatically make me want to go do things.
This form of laze fair parenting is scary to me. Sure, you decided for yourself that you didn't like pot..but what if you did like it. Would they allow it to continue? What if it were harder drugs? What if it were drinking?
I watch that World's Strictest Parents quite a bit.. I watch those kids, and then hear hte parents say how they don't want to hurt their feelings so don't punish.. just makes me sad.
This form of laze fair parenting is scary to me. Sure, you decided for yourself that you didn't like pot..but what if you did like it. Would they allow it to continue? What if it were harder drugs? What if it were drinking?
I watch that World's Strictest Parents quite a bit.. I watch those kids, and then hear hte parents say how they don't want to hurt their feelings so don't punish.. just makes me sad.
I'm pretty sure I"m never having kids because I'm pretty sure they'd turn out like me. Now, I wasn't a horrid brat or anything, but boy did I have my independent stubborn streak and there were just some days when I wasn't going to take "no" for an answer. And telling that what I was doing was wrong didn't really make me care at that point. Time out only works when the child accepts that they are in timeout for a reason. I needed a better reason to sit in a corner and be bored for 5 minutes than just "you're in trouble, go sit down." Big friggin' whoop. I'd get up after what I thought was 5 minutes (more like 30 seconds) and go back to what I was doing. Now, a swat on the bum and "Stay put until I say you can get up or you'll get another one AND ________ (insert a dire threat like, no playing outside after dinner) got my attention. Captain ADD over here didn't always understand that the words being spoken were aimed and meant for her.
I'm so glad that those parents who can make their children behave with a simple "no" were able to do that. I'd like to know what mind control ray you aimed at them when they were sleeping, too! :rofl1: I'm kidding...my younger brother was like that until about 14...all you had to do was give him a stern look and he would settle down. Then again, I'm sure he learned from watching me what happened when you persisted in doing your own thing.
I'm so glad that those parents who can make their children behave with a simple "no" were able to do that. I'd like to know what mind control ray you aimed at them when they were sleeping, too! :rofl1: I'm kidding...my younger brother was like that until about 14...all you had to do was give him a stern look and he would settle down. Then again, I'm sure he learned from watching me what happened when you persisted in doing your own thing.
True story--
When I was little my mom was big into the "chose your consequence." It was usually that I had a "time out," had to do a small chore, had a privilege taken away, etc. So I did something one time and my mom asked me to chose the consequence that fit my action and I asked to be spanked. Mom was horrified (she was not a spanker)--she told me that she was NOT going to spank me for whatever I had done and had me pick another.
Apparently in my 5 year old brain the cost/benefit analysis of the situation concluded that the spanking would be shorter than a time out, less work than a chore, and would suck less than not be able to do something I wanted....
When I was little my mom was big into the "chose your consequence." It was usually that I had a "time out," had to do a small chore, had a privilege taken away, etc. So I did something one time and my mom asked me to chose the consequence that fit my action and I asked to be spanked. Mom was horrified (she was not a spanker)--she told me that she was NOT going to spank me for whatever I had done and had me pick another.
Apparently in my 5 year old brain the cost/benefit analysis of the situation concluded that the spanking would be shorter than a time out, less work than a chore, and would suck less than not be able to do something I wanted....
that's a good point.
S
I do spank madison. It does not hurt her, because of the diaper, but it does hurt her feelings and makes her cry, because she knows she is in trouble. She knows she did something wrong and doesn't do it again. I do slap her hand and it does hurt, no question about that. When she gets older and can connect privilages taken away to what she did wrong, then the spanking will most likely be thrown out. Right now she is too young to understand what it means to have privilages taken away, like breeze said. And I do warn her that you better not do that or you will get a spanking and it does work with her. Now if I just say "no" she will do it anyway sometimes. When she listens, I praise her for it.... Every single time. I think good things need to be recognized, and not just the bad.
As far as soap goes, I think its horrible. Not CPS worthy, but I don't like it and will never use it. I resented my parents for it. Only happened once. We do use bitter apple on our dogs, but we don't force it into their mouth when they did something bad. Now, I did have hot pepper put on my nails, because I'd chew my nails. I don't see anything wrong with that. Your not putting it into their mouth by force.
As far as soap goes, I think its horrible. Not CPS worthy, but I don't like it and will never use it. I resented my parents for it. Only happened once. We do use bitter apple on our dogs, but we don't force it into their mouth when they did something bad. Now, I did have hot pepper put on my nails, because I'd chew my nails. I don't see anything wrong with that. Your not putting it into their mouth by force.
The kids I went to school with that had "buddy" parents were usually the ones in trouble or were alcoholics at 17 or something along those lines. You can be "friends" with your kids at some point, but only well after the rules have been established and respect earned. It's like playing tug with dogs...some people screw it up royally because they ignore the proper way to do it (rules, balances, etc) and others don't have a single issue because they're doing it "right". Now, that's a very generalized syllogism, I realize but the basic point is the same.
See thats what i was trying to say. Thats how I am with my mom
Had I enjoyed it, no I wouldnt continue it. I value my job, I value my brain cells. All morals instilled in me by my parents.
And yeah I drink. I spend more time having drinks and BBQing with my family than going to bars though.
My parents didnt have to worry about me getting hooked on harder drugs because they KNOW they taught me right.
Im a very non confrontational, non rebellious person lol. im sure that my parents also got lucky that me and my brother had the personalities that we did.
My brother did get into trouble in high school. he got thrown out a window at a high school party, he got caught after curfew (not parents curfew the citys curfew for anyone under 18 was midnight) at the illegal car races and we saw him on the news.
As long as we were not putting ourselves in danger of our lives, my parents were VERY for letting us make our own mistakes.
Im not rebellious, but I do stand up for myself. I dont do something just because someone says its the right thing to do. It took me a year to break with up with Erik despite everyone in my family refusing to be around him. I needed to learn my OWN lesson with him, BUT my parents were there to support me.
And when i did break up with him, I realized its made me a stronger person. Had I broken up with him just because they wanted me to, I would always have a feeling of "what if"
Had I enjoyed it, no I wouldnt continue it. I value my job, I value my brain cells. All morals instilled in me by my parents.
And yeah I drink. I spend more time having drinks and BBQing with my family than going to bars though.
My parents didnt have to worry about me getting hooked on harder drugs because they KNOW they taught me right.
Im a very non confrontational, non rebellious person lol. im sure that my parents also got lucky that me and my brother had the personalities that we did.
My brother did get into trouble in high school. he got thrown out a window at a high school party, he got caught after curfew (not parents curfew the citys curfew for anyone under 18 was midnight) at the illegal car races and we saw him on the news.
As long as we were not putting ourselves in danger of our lives, my parents were VERY for letting us make our own mistakes.
Im not rebellious, but I do stand up for myself. I dont do something just because someone says its the right thing to do. It took me a year to break with up with Erik despite everyone in my family refusing to be around him. I needed to learn my OWN lesson with him, BUT my parents were there to support me.
And when i did break up with him, I realized its made me a stronger person. Had I broken up with him just because they wanted me to, I would always have a feeling of "what if"