how did kids affect your relationship?

[wcladymacbeth]

After reading Bunny's thread about how she and her husband are going to be working opposite schedules so that their son always has a parent with him, it got me thinking.

I always thought that kids would really add something special to your relationship. I want to have Justin's babies someday because I love him, and I want to produce a child that looks something like both of us and has some of each of our traits. But does having children affect your relationship in a NEGATIVE way, like so you can't spend the quality time together that you used to? I guess I just never thought about it.

Justin and I like to spend a lot of time together, and do fun things. We like to go out to eat, go golfing, go to the shooting range, and all kinds of things together on our days off. If we had kids, will that all go out the window? Will we still have romance in our relationship, or will that be thrown away with the placenta?

What are your experiences? For those in a relationship with children, how is your relationship different (better? worse?) now than it was before kids?

 

[HoundedByHounds]

Any major change can be positive or negative. Different job, adding this or that pet, this or that interest, moving here or there, and yes kids.

We really have developed a deeper bond, more commitment. Before, it was forever, now it feels even MORE so.

Stress yes, aggravation sure, sleepless nights? absolutely. Nothing we can't handle tho.

The trick is to make sure your relationship is on steady stable ground BEFORE having children. They will expose ANY chinks in the armor, weaknesses in the foundation, and sometimes...magnify them.

I cannot think of any real negatives...sure we'd have more money and time alone...but to do what? LOL....indulge OUR every fantasy and wish...okay. But for me, that'd get old so quick. I was meant to be what I am right now, someone's Momma...someone's wife. Ask me that 10 years ago and I'd have laughed my ARSE off...but now? I cannot imagine being as happy and content as I am now...as a married woman with two children.

Quality time isn't an amount...I mean it's not called QUANTITY time...
You will do the things you like and find a way to include your children...teaching them to golf, or shoot, teaching them about different kinds of foods. Then you will have those "nights off" where it's just the two of you...and you will talk about your kids the whole time...lol. It does change your relationship...but I have never found it to be changed for the worse...all to the good.

 

[sparks19]

Hmmm... I mean yeah of course it has changed our relationship. how could it not.

Our quality time spent together each day as just husband and wife is spent after hannah goes to bed at 8. She goes to bed and we have some time to just be with each other. but having a child has definitely brought us even closer together. watching Brian with Hannah just overwhelms me with love for him and vice versa.

We don't get to go out partying all the time anymore or do whatever we want at the drop of a hat but if you have a trusted baby sitter than there is no reason you can't still do things with just each other like go out to dinner.... that being said we don't really have anyone to babysit for us so we don't really go for romantic weekends or anything... but I don't think we ever really did before Hannah.

but I do think it's important for us to have that couple hours every night when Hannah goes to bed where we don't have to be mom and dad and we just be husband and wife and enjoy each other. I think that's important.

 

[Bunny82]

Having kids does change your life but I would not say in a negative way you just have adjustments to make.

With the romance, you make time for each other, sometimes that means staying up later or getting up earlier to be with one another.


You still have time do things that are fun, the only difference is with a baby your activities become family friendly. This summer we are taking Hunter on his first camping trip to fairystone park (hopefully).

Being a mama has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. There is not a moment of it that I regret or would give up.

 

[sparks19]

Any

Quality time isn't an amount...I mean it's not called QUANTITY time...
You will do the things you like and find a way to include your children...teaching them to golf, or shoot, teaching them about different kinds of foods. Then you will have those "nights off" where it's just the two of you...and you will talk about your kids the whole time...lol. It does change your relationship...but I have never found it to be changed for the worse...all to the good.

^^^^ this.

LOL the odd time we do go out on our own I basically sit there the whole time saying "I wonder what hannah is doing" and then Brian will say "Remember that time Hannah...." and that's basically all we talk about lol.

 

[eddieq]

Will kids affect/change your relationship? Yes. Absolutely. No doubt about it.

How it changes your relationship is entirely up to you. As was said above, having a baby will enhance both the negative and positive traits in your relationship. Don't spend so much time trying to be the perfect mom that you forget how to be a good wife (that goes for the dads, too). I've seen parents make their number one priority be making sure their child is properly stimulated, educated, exercised, etc that they leave no time for their relationship. Trust me, the kids don't need to run 10 miles a day, learn the sousaphone, the piano, ballroom dancing, speak five languages, etc. By the time they are done shuttling their kids every place imaginable, the marital relationship goes to hell and then everything is shot.

My relationship with my wife is not perfect. We fight about stupid stuff, we don't have the romance we used to and our kids drive us nuts. But that's called being a family. We love each other unconditionally and THAT is what makes it worth while.

I rambled, but I hope I at least sort of answered the question without scaring you off

 

[bubbatd]

Things change in all directions ... you have to go with the flow . We were married 5 years before we had our first and were happy to change our lifestyle . We made sure we had " our time " .

 

[Fran27]

I agree... enjoy your life as a couple first. Then it won't be as bad once you have children, you won't have regrets and you'll be ready to change your lifestyle.

For us the hardest is loss of free time, and having to change our priorities... we argued all the time the first few months but I guess with twins it's expected, lol... and now at 8pm when the kids are in bed we're dead and really just want to relax...

 

[wcladymacbeth]

Thanks guys I actually feel better about this. I'm really enjoying all the things we get to together now, without kids to worry about, and I know I probably want things this way for a while longer. But I also look forward to the "kids" part... I know he'll be an amazing dad even though he's nervous about it now. I'm nervous about it too. It's a huge decision (or, sometimes, accident). But we'll do it somehow, together. I'll make SURE we have "our time"... I never want to lose that.

 

[HoundedByHounds]

and don't forget all the time you have after they've grown and gone. I am actually excited about that...and I know it's a long ways off but I think of us as old people in our RV, with our two grown and with families and lives of their own, all the time...it's a fun little fantasy

 

[eddieq]

It's a huge decision (or, sometimes, accident).

If you guys do have an unplanned pregnancy, do your child a favor and never refer to him/her as an accident. Unplanned is much better phrasing

 

[sparks19]

If you guys do have an unplanned pregnancy, do your child a favor and never refer to him/her as an accident. Unplanned is much better phrasing

we refer to hannah as a surprise cause she was lol

 

[mojo-rizin]

I can't speak for after we have the baby, yet, but I know that being pregnant and seeing how happy/excited my husband is to be a daddy makes me love him in a completely different way. He didn't really want kids, and now he sees babies and just melts. It is unbelievable.

My husband and I do EVERYTHING together, and we have for the 8 years we've been together. He is my best friend and vice versa. We are big homebodies, and really don't need time apart. We kicked around the idea of working separate shifts so that our baby won't have to go to daycare, but we decided that for Cohen to see his parents happy and together and to preserve OUR time together as a family was much more important. I would miss my husband too much to only see him at "shift change", and I feel like I would never be able to give 100% of myself to my son if I had to be a single parent part of the time.

I was always terrified that having kids would make my husband love me less because he loved the kids more, or that I would love my husband less than I loved my kids. My mom always put us first, and I always felt like my mom loved us much more than she did my dad. I know now, that I will love my husband more because he gave me our son, and my husband will love me more for the same reason. We will also love our son more because he is the product of our love for eachother.

 

[Angel Chicken]

Since Rob and I both had a kid before we were together, this was no big change. Going from one kiddo to two was, but it didn't affect us really.

We just do things WITH the kids, and we have special time of our own. For instance, we put the kids to bed at 8PM sharp every evening. This is so we can sit around and watch TV, geek around on the computers, watch a movie, and have dinner together (Rob gets home late so I save mine and his plates so we can eat together).

Other than that, we are with each other as often as allowed. I would go to work with him and work without being paid if his boss allowed it! We also give the kiddos to their grandparents every other weekend so we can enjoy a weekend of sleeping in, snuggling, and doing whatever we want in general.

 

[M&M's Mommy]

Hubby and I have a rock solid relationship. We love each other, and enjoy each other's company so much that most of the times, we don't want to go anywhere or do anything without each other But, deep in our hearts, we know that our happiness is not complete, and we're longing for something more: a child to love to the moon and back!

Of course we know that if we have a child, we may not have much free times as we do now, money will be tighter, our house will be messier, we may even be grumpier - but I think that's a small "price" for the biggest blessing upon every parent's life: their own child!

 

[M&M's Mommy]

If you guys do have an unplanned pregnancy, do your child a favor and never refer to him/her as an accident. Unplanned is much better phrasing

NO child is an unplanned child - well, perhaps unplanned by their parents, but not by God

 

[Puckstop31]

Before Hannah was born, I asked my Dad if he had any advice. His advice...


"Love your wife."



The most important thing a couple can do for their children is to love each other. If you love each other, the rest will take care of itself.

 

[Bunny82]

My husband and I do EVERYTHING together, and we have for the 8 years we've been together. He is my best friend and vice versa. We are big homebodies, and really don't need time apart. We kicked around the idea of working separate shifts so that our baby won't have to go to daycare, but we decided that for Cohen to see his parents happy and together and to preserve OUR time together as a family was much more important. I would miss my husband too much to only see him at "shift change", and I feel like I would never be able to give 100% of myself to my son if I had to be a single parent part of the time.

You can work opposite shifts and still preserve your time together. That is what we are doing or will be doing, it just takes a bit of work and sacrifice. LOL.

I know that Hunter would be absolutely miserable in daycare. And I'd be a nervous wreck having him in one.

In all honesty I wish the economy was not so bad because ideal for our family would be me continuing my role as a SAHM/wife (maybe working pt selling my crafts here and there for extra cash to help a bit) and J out being the "breadwinner".

 

[bubbatd]

My brother and I were 1/2 planned according to my Mom . She was ready and he wasn't . She said she got him drunk both times ..... I wish she's never told me ! It's hurt for over 60 years .