had to call the sheriffs office

[noludoru]

Nancy, you ARE doing the right thing. While yes, it's pretty sad on his part.. boo hoo, he doesn't get to see his girlfriend, etc.... you are doing the healthy, SAFE thing for your family. The ONLY safe thing for your family. If you don't do this, Arielle will not be safe--you will be putting her in a position to get raped, abused, even murdered. Your daughter's life and health come first. Her happiness can come later.

And who knows.. if things work out well, perhaps this will actually help him. Only time will tell.

 

[nancy2394]

Nancy, you ARE doing the right thing. While yes, it's pretty sad on his part.. boo hoo, he doesn't get to see his girlfriend, etc.... you are doing the healthy, SAFE thing for your family. The ONLY safe thing for your family. If you don't do this, Arielle will not be safe--you will be putting her in a position to get raped, abused, even murdered. Your daughter's life and health come first. Her happiness can come later.

And who knows.. if things work out well, perhaps this will actually help him. Only time will tell.

I'm praying to God that this makes him hit his rock bottom and realize he's got to change. Not for her, but for himself. It's hard to imagine him hurting her physically... but I've seen enough rage in him that makes me think it's all too possible for him to snap. I do think it's true that most people who are hurt in violent crimes are from people they knew and trusted. I'd like to think he wouldn't be capable of anything like rape, abuse and murder... but you just never can tell with anyone who has a history of anger problems.

He's got a lot of mutual friends that she has because he can't stand not being involved in every aspect of her life.. so they share the same circle of friends. He's been crying to all of them about how he still loves her and wants to prove to us and her that he can change and he is going to change... bla, bla, bla.. same old story just a different day. Anyway... she's so worried about what she will be facing once they arrest him on the criminal tresspassing warrant that is now issued.

She thinks they will shun her and side with him because he's the poor wounded heart. They don't see that he's the one that caused this.. they're just being manipulated into siding with him and feeling sorry for him. I told her it's going to get a lot worse before it starts to get better. And to be prepared to get a lot of mean looks and comments.. but to keep her chin up and just walk right past it all. She can rise up above this.. but I'm so worried she hasn't got the strength to do it right now. Her mind is in a very fragile state and all she's doing is crying and sleeping.

 

[Zoom]

Again, have her point out the B&E and trashing her room...even the silliest high school romantic will pause and go "uh...". Or at least they should.

You can tell her that even though she thinks this might be bad, at least she doesn't have to face people asking her if it's true her boyfriend dumped her over the promise of a BJ from another girl...

If they are her friends at all, and for her sake I hope they are, once he's not around to go against her story, they'll realize who is right. Then again, I might be giving too much credit...I have vague memories of high school and how unpleasant kids can be.

 

[nancy2394]

Well, the sheriffs office just called and said they got the warrant and they're on their way to go pick him up to charge him with the criminal trespassing. Arielle knows about it now and says she understands, but I don't think she really does. I called the crisis center to see about getting a restraining order and they told us we didn't qualify for one after the lady spoke to Arielle. She said she displayed no genuine fear of this boy, therefore, the judge would throw the request out.

I spoke to her about all of this after I hung up with that lady. I asked her if she was afraid of Jake at all and she said no. She said she didn't care about any of it that I was doing what I wanted to do. I would bet money that if I gave her the green light.. she'd go back to him in a heart beat. How can love be so blind?

Even after all the evidence of him starting to show signs of violence.. she doesn't care. I think she thinks I'm over reacting about this whole thing. I didn't expect her to jump for joy with all this taking place..especially the arrest... but she's so somber and now trying to pick fights with me and TJ.

I told her that her friend Tara had called her and she said "yeah, I've probably missed a lot of calls" I told her the only people that called were her friend, my work, and a few other miscellaneoud calls. Then I made the mistake of telling her that this ex boyfriend of hers from a year ago had called. She wanted to know what he wanted and I told her the truth.. that he wanted to talk to her and that her daddy told him you weren't available and to stop calling here. She got mad and rolled her eyes at me and said we were both ridiculous and walked away.

She really knows how to pick winners for boyfriends. This other guy Cody she's been talking to a few times the past few days is the same loser guy that tried to rape her a year ago with TJ and I right there in the house about 30 feet away from them. I would never have known about the incident had she not told me about it when I suspected something was bothering her and kept after her until she'd tell me what was on her mind. I was absolutely floored that some punk teenage kid who dropped out of high school and was a pot head among other things.. tried to force her to have sex with him on the couch in the game room when we were right there in the next room with the door open. No, we're not going to willingly let him talk to her. Shame on him for what he almost succeeded in doing and shame on her for even giving him the time of day after all that.

But she's way to forgiving and said "he apologized to me... he's changed.. he doesn't do drugs anymore...etc" Oh pleeaaseee.. make me vomit on my own bare feet! That just makes me sick to even think about it.

She's got a decent self esteem about her.. she's level headed MOST of the time, she's goal oriented and does fairly well in school. She has a driven personality for the most part... why on earth is she a flunkie in the boy department??!! She's setting her standards way too low.

So, now she's mad at us and it will only get worse when she goes to school and gets treated like crap from everyone. I'm sure he'll bond out of jail tonight and be back at school tomorrow to tell his story of horror to everyone and how we were the ones that did it to him.

 

[Zoom]

It's too bad you all can't just go out of town for a few days...we did that with my brother when he dumped his uber-clingy and unstable girlfriend.

 

[noludoru]

As far as the friends issue goes... the fact that he trespassed on her property and broke into her home, vandalized/trashed her room, destroyed her stuff, punched holes in the wall, has threatened her and her family with violence, and has been violent to her mother ought to be more than enough for her friends to see the light... Let her read my post if she needs to, tell her to state it starkly like that. If they cannot see that perhaps she needs to think twice about her friends. (I had a situation where my friends were siding with psychopath-girl instead of me because she was so charismatic.... when I told everyone what she had done to me the ones who sided with me turned out to be the truest of friends, with the exception of one. The ones who didn't got treated the same way by her--and actually ended up blaming ME for it because I didn't do enough to warn them.) If all else fails she can just use you as a fallback and blame mean old mommy for pressing charges and not letting her see her beloved BF. My mom and I have collaborated like this before--it DOES work.

Nancy, I'm praying for you, Arielle, and TJ to have the strength you need. ((((big, squishing hugs))))

 

[Ash47]

Wow... I am reading this all with my eyes just as big as they can get nancy! It's like I'm watching my teen years play out before me. I, too, was with a psycho from 14 until just a few months ago (I'm 20.) I had to open my eyes myself... No matter what anyone said, I was sticking by him. He even had my mom fooled. Luckily, this guy doesn't have you fooled. KEEP IT THAT WAY! In all truthfulness, he probably has hit her or come very close. She just doesn't want to tell you. Take it from someone who has been in her position.
Please keep her away. I know you are doing all you can. I know it's hard. And, it's hard on her too. Girls always want the bad boys. Who knows why?

 

[nancy2394]

Wow... I am reading this all with my eyes just as big as they can get nancy! It's like I'm watching my teen years play out before me. I, too, was with a psycho from 14 until just a few months ago (I'm 20.) I had to open my eyes myself... No matter what anyone said, I was sticking by him. He even had my mom fooled. Luckily, this guy doesn't have you fooled. KEEP IT THAT WAY! In all truthfulness, he probably has hit her or come very close. She just doesn't want to tell you. Take it from someone who has been in her position.
Please keep her away. I know you are doing all you can. I know it's hard. And, it's hard on her too. Girls always want the bad boys. Who knows why?

I really don't think he's ever hit her. He has pressured her with the sex thing and of course to spend all of her time with him... but he's never shown any signs of violence toward her yet. But it's all his demons he's got that are presenting themselves that is causing alarm. And even though he's punched my door, punched a hole in the wall at his house, kicked in a vehicle that didn't belong to him, and entered my home without being let in.. those are not enough things to meet the criteria for that TPO I tried to get today.

Either they don't think his violent outbursts at objects can't escalate to being violent toward her or they're gonna make me wait until something does happen before they will issue one.

 

[Zoom]

Sounds about typical.

 

[ACooper]

I just can't believe that they wouldn't give a restraining order due to her not being afraid of him

SHE IS 17 for crying out loud! You still have the "I will live forever" complex going on at that age!

He broke into your house, and has demonstrated his darker side to you. THAT should be enough for YOU as a parent to keep this kid legally away from you daughter!

This really upsets me............I know that I don't know you personally, but it still gets me angry to think the law is not on your side about this!

 

[Boemy]

I know I will ultimately do what I feel is right. I will go through with the arrest tomorrow, despite the guilt I feel about it. I will continue to enforce the fact that he will not be part of our lives. I am still in the process of getting a restraining order against him as well as having him removed from her first period class. I guess I just need some support and encouragement that I am doing the right thing. After all... she is my daughter and she comes first.

Nancy, in the long run what you're doing may benefit him as well . . . Some people need a wake up call to change their ways, especially if the people raising them have acted as though their behavior is acceptable or normal. This may be the jolt he needs, as well as being what needs to be done to protect your daughter.

 

[nancy2394]

Nancy, in the long run what you're doing may benefit him as well . . . Some people need a wake up call to change their ways, especially if the people raising them have acted as though their behavior is acceptable or normal. This may be the jolt he needs, as well as being what needs to be done to protect your daughter.

I really hope this is his wake up jolt. I don't really wish any harm on him, I just want him to leave us alone. And so far... today is the first day we haven't gotten any phone calls that had anything to do with him.

 

[lilprairiemutt]

Oh boohoo, so his home life wasn't the greatest. THAT is no excuse. My hubby could probably win first prize for crappiest parents and childhood home life and has in no way shape or form ever acted like this kid.

Everyone has kids nowdays beliveing they can act however they want and blame it on a bad childhood, like it somehow exempts them from being resonsible for their own behaviors.

This kid is plenty old enough to understand right from wrong, don't let his pitty party get to you. At some point he is going to have to grow up and stop blaming his parents,society,childhood and the fact that he never got the GI Joe with the kungfu grip for chistmas and realise that his actions are his responsiblitly and no one held a gun to his head and made him act that way.

*okay, stepping off soap box now*

 

[IliamnasQuest]

What a tough thing to go through.

I think it was Zoom that mentioned trying to get away for a bit - that was my thought as I read through all of this. You talked about what a hold he has on her. Maybe some separation time will help her step back away from the emotional level and see things from a logical standpoint. Maybe going somewhere that's just plain fun and entertaining, something to take her mind off of things. Someplace where you and she can just have a good time together. Is that a possibility? Could you MAKE it a possibility?

I realize that she's in school right now and all that, but people work around that kind of thing for vacations all the time. Her well-being, her ability to distance herself from this guy, and the relationship between you and your daughter is more important than school. It may give her just enough of a break so that she's more clear-headed, while also showing her how much you really do care about her.

Maybe?

I hope this all works out soon -

Melanie and the gang in Alaska

 

[nancy2394]

What a tough thing to go through.

I think it was Zoom that mentioned trying to get away for a bit - that was my thought as I read through all of this. You talked about what a hold he has on her. Maybe some separation time will help her step back away from the emotional level and see things from a logical standpoint. Maybe going somewhere that's just plain fun and entertaining, something to take her mind off of things. Someplace where you and she can just have a good time together. Is that a possibility? Could you MAKE it a possibility?

I realize that she's in school right now and all that, but people work around that kind of thing for vacations all the time. Her well-being, her ability to distance herself from this guy, and the relationship between you and your daughter is more important than school. It may give her just enough of a break so that she's more clear-headed, while also showing her how much you really do care about her.

Maybe?

I hope this all works out soon -

Melanie and the gang in Alaska

I really wish I could get away for at least a few days... but as fate would have it, I can't. I am obligated to my work schedule for 6 weeks at a time and if I want to keep my job I can't just take a leave of absence for even a couple of days right now because we are so short staffed at the moment. She's been out of school for the past 2 days because she didn't want to have to face him or anyone else for that matter. I just hate to see her so depressed... and I can't seem to help her move forward because she's shutting me out.

 

[nancy2394]

UPDATE:

I keep hitting a brick wall with this whole ordeal. No one seems to be taking me seriously and I'm getting the brush off. But that old saying "the squeaky wheel gets the grease" holds some truth to it.

I have been calling and calling anyone and everyone who will listen to me. I am heading down to the magistrates office in the morning to file a request for a behavioral warrant. They only meet once a week for criminal warrant requests And because they only meet once a week, she said it could be several weeks before the judge would be able to see the request. I guess that's what I get for living in a small town. So, in the meantime, I guess we have to deal with him harassing her.

I also have managed to finally get a meeting with the school officer, principal and guidance counselor all at the same time tomrorrow morning to see if we can all agree on a plan to solve the problem of her having to face him everyday because he's in her first period class. He is almost 19... it's a privelage for him to attend school at this point... and he can be expelled for behavior such as his.

I would have thought that having him arrested yesterday would have been the jolt he needed to realize we weren't fooling around and we meant what we said, but it wasn't. He's still saying he's going to have contact with her and he'd like to see us stop him from being able to talk to her at school.

I don't want to pursue having him expelled from school because it's his only chance to graduate.. but if he leaves me no choice.. then I will pursue it. Why can't he just accept that it's over and forget about her??!!??

 

[Zoom]

Is TJ still between jobs right now? Could he take her out for a little father/daughter bonding time? That might actually be the best thing all around...she's upset at you, at her ex...he seems to sort of be neutral, at least as far as you've said so far.

 

[bubbatd]

^ good thought Zoom .

 

[skittledoo]

I agree with Zoom's idea... Can TJ take her somewhere?

 

[nancy2394]

Well, he's just started back at a piddly job, but it's a job... and he can't take off from work. He asked her if she'd like to go to the movies with him this weekend since I have to work all weekend long and she said no. I think it hurt his feelings. But he's a big boy, he'll get over it.