I would like to breastfeed, but as much as I am going to be gone from the home.. Working and school, I don't see it as being an option. But I'm going to try.
Food is covered, for the most part. With WIC and food stamps, I'm not entirely worried about the food aspect of it all. I know how to stretch $20 to two weeks for myself, I'm sure I can budget for a baby as well. I've always been pretty good at eating healthy and cheap, too. No cans of spaghettios or ramen for us, if I can really help it.
My biggest concern right now is paying rent and getting out of my parents house. They're going to kick me out soon anyways... So I need to find out how I'm going to manage that. I'm currently waiting on financial aid through my school... And I said I lived off campus and not with parents when I did the FAFSA.. So maybe they will award me some rent money? Hell, if they paid even half of prospective rent... I could do it and I'd be out of here in a heartbeat. There's some apartments here in town without a weight limit on dogs that I could take Malyk with me... Two bedroom for $740 a month and they're really nice. I think I could swing that if I could just get a little shove in the right direction, you know? I don't need a lot of help... Just a little. I wouldn't be opposed to working two jobs and going to school... But I think my doctor might be. He's already been fussing at me enough due to weight loss and over exertion... I'm just trying so hard to set up a life for my child the right way and I feel like I'm running out of time. If Josh and I were still together... None of this would be a problem. But I am having to hoof it on my own, and it is.
I won't lie. I do, of course, harbor loads of resentment and anger towards Josh. But that's not why I don't want joint. I DO want him in Ryland's life, don't get me wrong. Definitely want him there. Just not "half the time" and I certainly don't want him being able to make decisions when it comes to Ryland's welfare. He's already made it clear that Ryland's well being is not at the top of his priority list... So why would I want to share decisions with a man like that when it comes to the most precious thing to me.. My son? I don't want to do it and if I can help it, I will be the only person able to control what happens with Ryland.. Since I seem to be the only person who cares about him. Josh didn't try to build a family for him. I understand if he fell out of love, fine, but he didn't try. He had another path to go to, another woman to run off with, and he did not at least make an attempt at fixing a family unit for our son.. Which would have been in his best interests. Ryland will now never have a chance at a whole family unit because his father felt another female was more important than that. I will be able to say that *I* tried... Would STILL try... But Josh won't be able to claim the same. He has never had Ryland in mind, with any of this.
He committed two major felonies a month after we knew about the pregnancy. Ryland was not in his mind then.
He saw another female behind my back and left me in our apartment without food or money to basically rot. He wasn't thinking about the stress that was causing me. He wasn't thinking about Ryland then.
He hasn't tried to help me buy healthier food while I am here at home (my parents eat straight take out all the time and I am getting sick from it) under the claim that he has no money to help me, while he has been buying diamond necklaces and shoes for his new girlfriend. He wasn't thinking about Ryland then.
He skipped out on the ANATOMY SCAN we had on the 13th... To, you guessed it, spend the day with his girlfriend. He told me he had work and couldn't make it and I drive by his job on the way to the doctors... His vehicle was not there so I called him. He stumbled over himself and tried to lie out of it.. Before I finally caught him red handed because his new girlfriend doesn't know how to keep things off of Facebook. One of the most important and detailed appointments of the pregnancy, and he ducked out on it for a girl he blows tons of gas money to see daily anyways. He wasn't thinking about Ryland then.
So even past all the anger I harbor towards him, I do feel a lot of my reasoning for not wanting Josh influencing my son to be pretty solid. But as an insider, I can't be sure. What do you guys think? He is also living with his parents... Another can of worms I don't want to get into detail with, but lets just say his Dad is a preacher at a cult-like church, his older brother is 34, unemployed, and living at home for the sixth time, his little sister lies about being raped and sleeps around... So you can see paternal grandma and grandpa aren't really the best child-raisers, either.
*shrug*
And holy long post.
EDIT: in my state I have to pursue him for child support, which means putting his name on the certificate, or I lose state aid. My Medicaid and my financial aid would both be pulled from me if I chose not to pursue him for support. At least that's what my lawyer told me. I'm just worried about how much power recognizing him on the certificate will give him... But I need the aid and so does Ryland, so I'm sure we can make it work.
Josh was also physically "rough" (I wouldn't say abusive) with me during our relationship. This is a card is rather not pull on him, but I may have to. Aside from physical, he was always very manipulative and mentally and emotionally degrading. I've since come to realize that he may be a sociopath with a personality disorder, who knows.