Tess... are they in a worse financial situation now than when your brother was your age ??? With our son , we were able to put him through college . With our second , we were only able to handle the first 2 years . With our third it was grants and loans all the way . The 1st 2 went on to graduate school on their own .( Still owe ! ) School counselors helped a load as to where to apply . When I said EliN had 2 jobs , one was to pay back her grant ....she was custodian of I.U,'s Lilly Library . Was able to study during slow times . Her second job was very early hours at the waffle house . Start these plans now !! Your life now is on hold . Stay put and wait until you're college bound . Believe me having a roof over your head is much better than heading off for a few months !! Plus you can save more money . I'm sorry that you don't ( and didn't ) have a more stable home life . At least you were allowed to have dogs !!! Pull yourself up by your boot straps ( showing my age now ! ) heads up gal !
I agree that you deserve to be respected but you aren't going to get that from home. You aren't going to get that until you have moved out on your own and learned to fully appreciate and respect yourself. I didn't assume anything, I responded to what you wrote. Honest.....I'm not out to get you or misunderstand you or undermine some tragedy. I was actually respecting you by treating you like an adult who is trying to make mature decisions.
I know what you are saying it is that you want. You have stated that several times already. What it boils down to is that you want to live in your parents home while dictating the terms of staying there. You are saying that you don't want to but over and over again you keep doing exactly that. Respect is something that everyone deserves but it's not something that you can demand from your parents. More freedom is a decision they have to make, not you unless you are living 100% on your own. perhaps you cannot see it because you aren't trying to dictate a specific curfew or dinner time but you are still wanting to live according to rules that you design while under their roof.
I agree that if this is the situation entirely you are not asking for anything extreme or problematic in theory, but as long as you have to ask for things you have to accept that "No" will be the answer from time to time.
I raise my own children with love and respect and I'm very proud of them. I believe that children should not be dominated and will not mature properly if they aren't given enough space to make mistakes while their parents are around to help them out when they make mistakes. Still though, none of that is something that they can demand from me. Also, while they are living with me they follow my rules and accept what I say as the final answer.
Even adults who share a home don't have total freedom. (That doesn't mean that I think you're asking for total freedom). We still have to answer to each other and suppress our own desires for the sake of the family at times. Heck, even single adults don't have total freedom because there is some type of job that must be done from day to day and we all have to answer to others.
T
Fine. What you say is true. I do expect to be treated with the respect I deserve. But I do not think that is much to ask for, or even anything I should be forced to ask for. That should be something I should have already been given my entire life.
And though I may not be able to help it right now, when I am 18 and graduated from highschool(will turn 18 shortly before graduation), if my terms are not met, I will move out. I'm not asking that she let me go out, party, and drink all the time. (I stand strongly for abstinence. I wouldn't in the first place.) I'm not asking that she never lay down rules and expect them to be followed. All I am asking is that she give me the little bit of freedom I deserve from proving myself responsible. But I won't get that. Not now. Not ever. I will not let myself be walked over and treated disrespectfully. By next summer, I plan to be moved out of this house.
And though I may not be able to help it right now, when I am 18 and graduated from highschool(will turn 18 shortly before graduation), if my terms are not met, I will move out. I'm not asking that she let me go out, party, and drink all the time. (I stand strongly for abstinence. I wouldn't in the first place.) I'm not asking that she never lay down rules and expect them to be followed. All I am asking is that she give me the little bit of freedom I deserve from proving myself responsible. But I won't get that. Not now. Not ever. I will not let myself be walked over and treated disrespectfully. By next summer, I plan to be moved out of this house.
I agree with you that you deserve respect and that you shouldn't have to ask for it. I've agreed with that all along. I'm glad that you are willing to find a way to move from that home and I pray that you will find a way to do that without putting yourself in another bad situation. I also pray that you will consider yourself important enough to do it by yourself and for yourself before you turn towards anyone else for help.
T
Right now I would like for me to be able to have a relationship with my boyfriend without being accused of being a wh ore every five minutes. To be able to actually go on a date with him. To be able to go places with him and his family. I would like to be able to go out with friends every now and then like a movie or bowling.
Just last week I chose to go to CHURCH with my boyfriend, begged her to go, and after half a days worth of compromising and convincing, she let me go. I come home a bit late(I even told her I didn't know the exact time I would be home) because church was longer than usual and get accused of having sex, being irresponsible, cussed at, and she even starts tearing into my boyfriend and a friend's mother(the one who drove me home after church), accusing her of lying for me and then telling me that she CANNOT be a good woman for the mere reason that she is divorced.
Just last week I chose to go to CHURCH with my boyfriend, begged her to go, and after half a days worth of compromising and convincing, she let me go. I come home a bit late(I even told her I didn't know the exact time I would be home) because church was longer than usual and get accused of having sex, being irresponsible, cussed at, and she even starts tearing into my boyfriend and a friend's mother(the one who drove me home after church), accusing her of lying for me and then telling me that she CANNOT be a good woman for the mere reason that she is divorced.
To me it sounds like trust is missing. I don't know, maybe my parents were "soft" with me, but we never had the "you're under our roof you follow our rules". I mean, yes, when I was under 18 I had restrictions... but my parents explained to me why, they never just put their foot down. And that's why I respected those rules. Not "because mom said so" but because I knew that they had reasons.
When I turned 18 the reigns loosened up a little... If I had something planned my parents absolutely opposed to, I wouldn't do it. Out of respect, not because I was living in their house. Other than that, they trusted me. I never did anything too stupid, because I did not want to disappoint my parents, not because I would be grounded or so. And I hope that -if I have children- we will have the same relationship. I want my children to follow my rules out of respect for me, not because I said so.
When I turned 18 the reigns loosened up a little... If I had something planned my parents absolutely opposed to, I wouldn't do it. Out of respect, not because I was living in their house. Other than that, they trusted me. I never did anything too stupid, because I did not want to disappoint my parents, not because I would be grounded or so. And I hope that -if I have children- we will have the same relationship. I want my children to follow my rules out of respect for me, not because I said so.
T
Of course there has been. I admit fully that there are times I choose to lie and do things behind her back. However, I always first try to include her in my life and decisions and try to be completely honest. But when she is still unreasonable, I will lie or purposely leave out information so that I can do things as harmless as going out to a movie or to a friend's house to hang out.
I always first try to be 100% honest. But, with a mother like mine.. well, it is impossible to be both emotionally healthy and completely honest with her at the same time.
I always first try to be 100% honest. But, with a mother like mine.. well, it is impossible to be both emotionally healthy and completely honest with her at the same time.
I didnt read most of the replies but I think its pretty clear:
Once your 18, move out on your own. Other than that, expect to have some rules. I'm 20, and i live with my mother. I pay my half of the bills, including gas for the car because I dont have my DL yet and we still have a mother/daughter realtionship, not a "roommate" one. She still wants to know where I am, what Im doing ect. Its only natural because she cares. And I got alot of freedom BEFORE i turned 18 because my mother knows she can trust me. Like a couple others said that I did read... if the respect wasn't there in the beginning, it wont be there the day you turn 18.
Once your 18, move out on your own. Other than that, expect to have some rules. I'm 20, and i live with my mother. I pay my half of the bills, including gas for the car because I dont have my DL yet and we still have a mother/daughter realtionship, not a "roommate" one. She still wants to know where I am, what Im doing ect. Its only natural because she cares. And I got alot of freedom BEFORE i turned 18 because my mother knows she can trust me. Like a couple others said that I did read... if the respect wasn't there in the beginning, it wont be there the day you turn 18.
I know how ya feel my parents did that crap with me. Trying to ground me for dumb stuff, ask permission to leave. I mean I know its common courtesy to be like hey I'll be out late dont wait up, but my parents were trying to enforce a 10 pm curfew and other dumb stuff. So I moved out. And you'd be amazed how much better you and your folks get along AFTER you move out!