18 = more freedom?

[tessa_s212]

until you pay your own bills, rent electricty gas and water, let alone phone and buy your own food, medicine, clothing, let alone vet bills, you are not taking care of yourself. It came as a real shocker to my kids, i don't think they full repsected my raising them as a single parent until they found out what it was like. Save your money now is all i got to say, bide your time, work hard and get out, then your life will be your own.


i put myself through college, no one even showed me where the forms were for grants, scholarships, you name it, i found it. U can too. I started when i was 16 and came back two years later and picked up my highschool diploma.

I do end up buying my own food much of the time because there is never stuff in the house to eat(well, truthfully usually I just don't eat), and I DO buy my own clothing and other necessities. I buy my own clothing(socks, underwear, bras, pants/jeans, shirts, skirt suits, the whole works), shampoos, razors, shoes, toothpaste, even bought my own towels, my own hair products(gel, hairspray), and even my own school supplies.

But that is all I can do with the job I have. It only pays minimum and I only get 10-15 hours a week. That isn't enough to live on, pay rent, etc etc.

And with buying all my own stuff, its hard to save money. Even if I do try to save every penny of it, which I have been trying, there are still some things I can't go without. As it is I starve myself and save all my food money, go without new shoes(the ones I have now are so worn they give me bloody blisters), go without extras such as hair products, body wash, face wash, a new toothbrush(been needing new one for awhile), new hairbrush(mine doesn't even have a handle because it broke off), etc.

 

[tessa_s212]

That's sad. She's really going to drive you away acting like that.

I hope that you're able to move out soon.

Ya, at this rate she won't know her own grandchildren. My twin sister has already told her that she will NOT see her children.

My boyfriend plans to steal me away from this house very shortly after I graduate. Even if something changes and he would rather we not live together before married, I have a friend who's mother and grandmother adores me and might be willing to help me out and let me live with them if I pay for all my own stuff.

But I'm still just a bit worried about the whole college thing. I can't pay for it myself. I have only $30 in the bank.. and if I don't' live with them, they won't even consider helping me pay for it. I won't be able to afford an apartment in a big city like Ft Wane to eve be able to go to college anyway.

 

[Melissa_W]

What about scholarships and financial aid, tessa? That's how I'm making my way through college. The first couple of years, my dad helped me out with books. But I'm doing it all on my own now.

 

[tessa_s212]

What about scholarships and financial aid, tessa? That's how I'm making my way through college. The first couple of years, my dad helped me out with books. But I'm doing it all on my own now.

I don't know how all that stuff works.

I'm not so sure about scholarships. My freshman and sophomore year were bad. I was depressed through much of them, slept through classes, didn't do homework. I got straight A's my junior year, but I'm not sure if straight A's again this year will be able to pull my GPA up from a 3.2 to a 3.5 And I'm not anywhere near being the top in my class.. not that I'm not smart, but just that while I was honest(and lazy) my under classman years, others cheated their way through highschool to get good grades and be able to be at the top.

 

[Melissa_W]

PM me and I can try to help you out.

 

[Copiuos]

I agree with the ones who say that in your moms house you follow her rules. Even my husband doesn't come and go as he pleases, spend whatever he wants on what he wants or anything else. I follow the same set of rules and that keeps our home running smoothly. For us it's not a matter of trusting each other to do the right things it's just being respectful.

I understand why you don't want her controlling your life but to her you will always be her child. If she keeps trying to control you once you have moved out then you have a reason to complain.

 

[bubbatd]

You have to look into grants etc .....EliN had 2 jobs in College ...one was a grant job and the other waitressing . Still got through in 4 years and had fun ! BTW, my Mom gave me double h#ll when I was 61 , visiting her on her 90th, because I was late getting in at 11:30 !

 

[Baxter'smybaby]

Tessa, the bottom line is you are dealing with your mom's mental illness--not someone who can be be reasoned with. You may not be able to go directly to college--may need to get out of your parents home, establish yourself as an independent, and then tackle school. I hope the best for you.

 

[tessa_s212]

I agree with the ones who say that in your moms house you follow her rules. Even my husband doesn't come and go as he pleases, spend whatever he wants on what he wants or anything else. I follow the same set of rules and that keeps our home running smoothly. For us it's not a matter of trusting each other to do the right things it's just being respectful.

I understand why you don't want her controlling your life but to her you will always be her child. If she keeps trying to control you once you have moved out then you have a reason to complain.

Nothing rude intended, but you truly do not understand my circumstances. What I am dealing with is not a normal parent.

 

[Psyfalcon]

You guys are too soft... or parents This is how it works with my friends at least:

Things like parties in the house, drinking, etc are never going to change. Things like curfew however... or who you can see, NO! Its not about responsibility really, if a child is going to get in trouble, they will get in trouble at 12 noon or 2pm. Same with a brand new adult. Just don't wake anybody up on the way in...

 

[smkie]

Tessa i know so many of my son's friends that do not have normal parents, my advice and they do ask me is essentially what i told you. IF you don't make enough money, find another job. IF there isn't one where you live, go online and see if you can do insurance data, or typing, there is work out there, even if it is yard work for the elderly. Somehow i managed to get two people besides myself through the last 20 years by picking up work, alot of it i didn't exactly dream i would ever be doing from housecleaning for horrid people, to being a nurses aid which is the hardest work of all. I had no parental support for a large portion of that time including when i went to school. There is no point in blaming a parent until you have gone through everything possible and a goodly share of what seemed impossible to find your way. More of us have done that then you are aware of.

 

[tessa_s212]

Tessa i know so many of my son's friends that do not have normal parents, my advice and they do ask me is essentially what i told you. IF you don't make enough money, find another job. IF there isn't one where you live, go online and see if you can do insurance data, or typing, there is work out there, even if it is yard work for the elderly. Somehow i managed to get two people besides myself through the last 20 years by picking up work, alot of it i didn't exactly dream i would ever be doing from housecleaning for horrid people, to being a nurses aid which is the hardest work of all. I had no parental support for a large portion of that time including when i went to school. There is no point in blaming a parent until you have gone through everything possible and a goodly share of what seemed impossible to find your way. More of us have done that then you are aware of.

I can't have two jobs during the same time I am going to school. Yes, I will have two jobs hopefully this summer, but I can't while going to school in the fall/winter/spring. I don't have a license and car to get me to a second job anyway. I do dog grooming out of my own home, offer dog walking, dog sitting, shovel snow.. there isn't much more I can do for now other than continue to save every penny I possibly can, even if that means I go hungry or without things I really do need.

Don't ever accuse me of using my parents as an excuse to not try. I AM trying. Right now I'm just stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don't use them or my past to get pity parties. I don't use them as an excuse to not work my butt off to get where I need and want. But I do hold them accountable for what they do(or don't do).

 

[Copiuos]

Nothing rude intended, but you truly do not understand my circumstances. What I am dealing with is not a normal parent.

Then you will have to move, to put it simply. There is no way that agreeing with you will change your circumstances. The only thing that will change your circumstances is taking charge of them yourself.

If your situation is honestly that bad then leave it, even if it means your parents won't pay for your college. Why would you want someone who causes you so much duress paying your bills anyway?

The bottom line is that if you are accepting their help financially you are going to have to put up with having them in your life. They aren't an ATM machine. I'm not saying that to be mean either. I don't know of a normal parent who is just going to toss money at their grown child without some type of accountability.

I put myself through college so I'm not a big advocate of higher education being something that is owed to a child. I'm also not an advocate of accepting money or resources from someone and demanding total independence at the same time.

 

[smkie]

i didn't say two jobs, i said a job that pays more. It is always a good idea to keep an eye open. Alot of highschools have work programs as well. My son attended one where he went for three hours a day and the rest he had to work and turn in hours that ended up counted toward his credits. Most highschools have a program like this for kids that have to work to survive.
your never as stuck as you think you are. ..your not pg, not in juvi which means you have some freedom. You are not toting a couple children around with you to have to pay daycare, there are people out there slugging away with a whole hell of a lot less then you have that are working two jobs, and sitting up with babies with asthma at night. Your situation could always be worse, as long as you have some free will you can make or break your own life. Having internet access allows you alot more then they will ever dream of trying to do it without.

 

[tessa_s212]

Then you will have to move, to put it simply. There is no way that agreeing with you will change your circumstances. The only thing that will change your circumstances is taking charge of them yourself.

If your situation is honestly that bad then leave it, even if it means your parents won't pay for your college. Why would you want someone who causes you so much duress paying your bills anyway?

The bottom line is that if you are accepting their help financially you are going to have to put up with having them in your life. They aren't an ATM machine. I'm not saying that to be mean either. I don't know of a normal parent who is just going to toss money at their grown child without some type of accountability.

I put myself through college so I'm not a big advocate of higher education being something that is owed to a child. I'm also not an advocate of accepting money or resources from someone and demanding total independence at the same time.

I never stated I demanded total independence. Nor did I state that I wanted my parents to just throw money at me. If you woudl have read, you would have known I plan on having two jobs, and I already do pay for all my own necessities. What I did state was that I want respect and more freedom. I don't want to be screamed, cussed at, and called a ***** every time I choose to go out to a movie, to church, to basketball games, bowling, etc. I want to be able to have a relationship with my boyfriend without her interrupting or telling me I cannot. I want to be able make some ofmy own choices instead of being ordered around and beat on like some rag doll.

I do plan on moving out as soon as I possibly can. I have already stated this multiple times. My boyfriend has plans of stealing me away after I finish my last year of school. I can live with him if he has the money to support both us, y two dogs, and his cat. I might also have a friend who's parent and grandparent might be willing to house me if I absolutely needed it so long as I pay for all my own stuff. However, I won't be leaving home unless I can take my dogs with me; until I can support both me and my dogs. Even if it means I might get stuck in this hell hole a bit longer. That rule is NOT changing. Their wellbeing comes before my own.

 

[smkie]

your smart enough, you might have enough credits to graduate now. I had no idea that if you never failed anything, and took a few enrichment programs that added a credit here and there the last year or two aren't even necessary. Talk to your school and find out. You may be able to start college now.

 

[tessa_s212]

i didn't say two jobs, i said a job that pays more. It is always a good idea to keep an eye open. Alot of highschools have work programs as well. My son attended one where he went for three hours a day and the rest he had to work and turn in hours that ended up counted toward his credits. Most highschools have a program like this for kids that have to work to survive.
your never as stuck as you think you are. ..your not pg, not in juvi which means you have some freedom. You are not toting a couple children around with you to have to pay daycare, there are people out there slugging away with a whole hell of a lot less then you have that are working two jobs, and sitting up with babies with asthma at night. Your situation could always be worse, as long as you have some free will you can make or break your own life. Having internet access allows you alot more then they will ever dream of trying to do it without.

I can't. My mom won't let me get my license, nor do I have a car to get to another job. The reason I am able to have the one I do now is because my sister and I both work there, so my mom agreed to let us have it and she or my brother would take us to and from work.

My highschool has a program where you can work half the day, attend school half the day, but you had to have already signed up for that in order to do it this school year. I woudl not do that anyway because I plan to graduate highschool, not skimp out on my education.

I never tried stating I was in the WORST position life could throw me, that others didn't have it worse. You are putting words into my mouth. ALL that I have stated is that I do not have a good home life, that I would like more respect and freedom, and that I am trying and working my butt of to be able to do what I want when I graduate highschool.

 

[Copiuos]

I never stated I demanded total independence. Nor did I state that I wanted my parents to just throw money at me. If you woudl have read, you would have known I plan on having two jobs, and I already do pay for all my own necessities. What I did state was that I want respect and more freedom. I don't want to be screamed, cussed at, and called a ***** every time I choose to go out to a movie, to church, to basketball games, bowling, etc. I want to be able to have a relationship with my boyfriend without her interrupting or telling me I cannot. I want to be able make some ofmy own choices instead of being ordered around and beat on like some rag doll.

I do plan on moving out as soon as I possibly can. I have already stated this multiple times. My boyfriend has plans of stealing me away after I finish my last year of school. I can live with him if he has the money to support both us, y two dogs, and his cat. I might also have a friend who's parent and grandparent might be willing to house me if I absolutely needed it so long as I pay for all my own stuff. However, I won't be leaving home unless I can take my dogs with me; until I can support both me and my dogs. Even if it means I might get stuck in this hell hole a bit longer. That rule is NOT changing. Their wellbeing comes before my own.

I think you missed the point of the whole thing. If you don't like your circumstances YOU have to change them. That will include taking care of yourself 100%. No parent is going to allow their child to make the rules. Do you believe that yours will ever allow you to make the rules in their home?

maybe there is something getting lost in the translation here so I'll make it as plain as possible. If your parents are that controlling there is no way in hades they are going to let go while they are giving you money. Even normal parents don't do that so you can expect that yours won't absolutely.

You CAN make it through college without their help, and if you really want to live the way that you are saying you will find a way to do it all yourself. Turning 18 is not going to change anything as long as you're living in their home.

A common mistake that young women in your situation make is to jump from your parents home to your boyfriends home, or the home of anyone else for that matter. Doing it for yourself will be the absolute best thing that you can do for yourself, even if you don't know exactly how to do it.

 

[smkie]

Tessa no one is putting words in your mouth, just trying to show you your options. A typing job on line requires no transportation at all and they are there even if they are dull. It is hard for anyone that has struggled through those hard times to read someone that says i am stuck, and then defends why they are stuck. You have your health, and that is an enormous plus, but i have seen people battling huge illnesses that still find their freedom wings. You may have to bide your time, and keep a stiff upper lip through it. I did, many times in my life and it sucks but that is the way it is.
As to skipping on your education, i have learned, experienced, risked, won, and challanged myself more then any school has been able to throw at me. I am an avid reader, not only for enjoyment but to make my brain do a workout. I took jobs that were not easy or even exactly what i wanted to do because i sensed there was a life lesson there. You haven't even stepped out of your nest, be it a soft one, or a hard one. Until you do, you won't understand what i am trying to tell you. The one thing you must do is stop putting up your own roadblocks. You do that more then you realize. Your smart, and pretty, you can speak your mind and write about it well. But i feel that if we stripped that away, there would be a very frightened young lady underneath, and until you straighten her spine, and wipe away her tear, put postive goals in front of her and make her climb the ladder, you will just keep stirring in the same pot complaining that you can't get out.

 

[tessa_s212]

I think you missed the point of the whole thing. If you don't like your circumstances YOU have to change them. That will include taking care of yourself 100%. No parent is going to allow their child to make the rules. Do you believe that yours will ever allow you to make the rules in their home?

maybe there is something getting lost in the translation here so I'll make it as plain as possible. If your parents are that controlling there is no way in hades they are going to let go while they are giving you money. Even normal parents don't do that so you can expect that yours won't absolutely.

You CAN make it through college without their help, and if you really want to live the way that you are saying you will find a way to do it all yourself. Turning 18 is not going to change anything as long as you're living in their home.

A common mistake that young women in your situation make is to jump from your parents home to your boyfriends home, or the home of anyone else for that matter. Doing it for yourself will be the absolute best thing that you can do for yourself, even if you don't know exactly how to do it.

I can't change them right now. I first must graduate highschool. I can stick out the winter, and then I'm getting out of here as soon as possible.

I don't expect to be allowed to make the rules. I only expect to be treated with some amount of respect.

I don't expect the age to make a complete difference. I have already stated that in this thread. But I do expect once graduated from highschool and making quite a contribution by supporting myself, buying my own car, paying for my own gas and insurance, etc etc etc, that I be given more freedom. But, due to my mom's mental illness, she is not rational and it is not likely I will be given that freedom. If I am not, I will move out.

I don't expect others to support and baby me either. But if ever I needed a place, both my boyfriend and a friend's family would be willing to help me out because they know of my situation. My boyfriend and I have discussed this quite a bit, and though we'd rather not live together before married, if necessary he will get me out of here. He is willing to support me in any way I need, even if that means just helping me pay rent and utilities for me to live in my own apartment until I'm out of college and we make the choice to get married.