18 = more freedom?

Lately with the drama with my mom, Dustin and I can't do much more than just talk about the future of when we will be able to have a relationship in peace without my mom constantly interrupting. He always says, "when you're 18.."

However, my mom has the logic that if I live under her roof, I follow her rules.

I can agree to a certain extent. If she's housing me, I should be expected to follow some rules. I do think, though, that when one graduates high school and is legally an adult, that some of those rules should be changed or lightened a bit. I do not expect the day I turn 18 to be set loose and free to do whatever I wish, however, I do expect that when I'm graduated from highschool, that my mom stops treating me as if I were some 14 year old child.

In my current situation, it has got to do with once I'm graduated from highschool, I do not plan to let my mother control my relationship with my boyfriend. When I'm 18 and graduated from highschool, hopefully having TWO jobs, paying for all my own necessities(already do), saving for my own car, I expect some freedom. If I want to go somewhere and do something, and I pay for it all, I expect to be able to do it.

But my mom thinks that if I live under her roof, no matter how much I do to contribute, pay fo rmy own stuff, and am completely responsible for myself, she has every right to control every aspect of my life.

My mom simply isn't reasonable with her mental illnesses. I know this. But I guess I still expect her to at least be somewhat smart enough to realize that I AM responsible, I have and will continue to do more to support myself and that I deserve some respect and freedom.

Where is the line drawn? If you've got an 18 year old kid, graduated from highschool, working and saving up to get their own car and be able to afford their own apartment, buying their own necessities and being completely responsible for themselves, can you honestly expect to treat them the same exact way you did when they were 15? Should you still be grounding them and forcing them to ask permission to leave the house every time they want to go out with friends?Honestly, when does it become time for a parent to just back off and let the kid had some freedom to make their own [responsible] choices?

18 was nothing for me... if anything, my parents "tightened the reins" because they were afriad of "letting their baby go"
Yes, my Mom pulls the My-House-My-Rules card. The only thing that has ever changed my own freedom is me being responsible over something other than dogs, for reason other than 'because I have to' if you know what I mean. Like I hadn't done that before I had turned 18 . . .

But I sympathize.... (((((hugs))))))))
I still have to tell them when I am going to be home late, but after a while I think most parents learn that its better to not try and force a 'young adult' to get permission. Because, quite frankly, every 'young adult' I've ever met are eventually going to go out with the friends their not supposed to, just because they're parents don't want them to lol

Well Tessa, doesn't look like you'll get your freedom till you move out. Going to college? If you do, move to a dorm and there's your freedom. Or just move out. Until then, follow their rules. At least IMO you should.

I think although parents should ease up a bit when their kids turn 18, it's not something you should expect as a kid. Turning 18 doesn't mean one day your 17 and a kid/immature, then the next all of the sudden you're 18, an adult, and oh so responsible. It doesn't work like that. If you're parents can't trust you before you're 18, then they can't trust you the day you turn 18. So if the trust isn't there before then, you ain't getting it after!

When they live somewhere on their own and pay bills. Or when they pay rent to live in the parents house plus all their own expenses. Otherwise, if you're living in your parents house and not paying part of rent, utilities, and all your own food/products/etc then I don't think the parents have any responsibility to ease up on their children.

Should they? Depends on the kids, and even with a good kid and relationship between child and parent, I think they should only ease up a bit.

My folks rules still apply in their house, just as my rules apply in mine. I would expect no changes while sharing their roof even if you are paying to do so.

Tessa, my son is going to be 18 in two weeks. I can tell you that I have the same logic that your mom does. I will have NO problem grounding him and taking away his keys if he doesn't follow the rules.

I don't know what kind of rules your mother has, but I think my rules regarding freedom are pretty fair (my son doesn't agree) and I see no reason to change them because his age changes. When he turned 16 and got his keys he could stay out until 9:30 through the week, and 10:30 on the weekends. Now this wasn't set in stone.........he could call and explain certain situations and get approval to be home later. Sounds easy enough right? WRONG..........I can't count how many times that boy has been grounded for not being home on time or calling to fill us in. He is allowed to see his girl 3 times a week (she lives in the next town over) and that won't change either.

From what I gather on your threads, I think your mom should lighten up and trust you a little more but I only get your side of things I shudder to think what it sounds like when my kids tell THEIR side of things without me present, LOL

I wouldn't count on 18 being a magic number.

Yeah I've got to agree, I guess if you are in their house you go by there rules.

At 19 yrs nearly 20 they are agreeing to leave me home alone when they go away on the 26th, last year my Grandma had to stay with me. I'm very grateful but there are still a lot of rules to follow.

I'll give you another parent perspective...18 is a tough age for the young adult, as well as the parent. Age does not = maturity, nor does it negate maturity that may have been there for several years!
I have a 20 year old living in my house (as well as a soon to be 18 year old, and a 15 year old).--I still expect my 20 year old to follow household rules--I want to know where he is and when he is going to be home. This is not a control issue--it is a concern and safety issue. I want to know my 20 year old baby (he is still MY child no matter how old he is or I am--that is something that will never change--I will still have concern/worry/love/fuss over him BECAUSE he is my child and I love him!) I still expect him to contribute to the upkeep of the house-since he is using it too! I still expect him to be a part of family activities--we check calendars, etc. to schedule things. He has his own vehicle--could (and has) stayed out all night--I still want to know where he is. I have no need to ground him-he is respectful of my rules overall. I do need to remind him about things--and my expectations--but it works.

i am 45 years old and my MOM openly admits she thinks of me as a teen..get use to it. And as to under the roof rules, u betcha. So save your money get your wings, and then find out how much responsiblity goes with them and when you make your mistakes which you will, we all do, you will see how much more responsiblity goes with freedom. My Son is learning that now. It just wasn't as easy or fun as he thought it was going to be.

The problem is, my mother is mentally ill and not rational at all. I've shown responsible behavior for years. But she still sees me as a completely horrible, awful, irresponsible person. It has got to do with the fact that she just cannot perceive things correctly.

My job at the humane society only pays $6.85/hr, and I only get about10-15 hrs a week. And right now I have only $30 in my bank account. Not enough to live on. That is why I'm hoping to get a second job, preferably at a veterinary office. I still don't think that would be enough for an apartment, for food, and for my dogs. I will not leave home without my dogs. No matter how damaging for me it is to stay here, their wellbeing comes before my own.

My mom made my dad save tons of money for all of us to go to college, but there was a 3-4 year period my dad was laid off from his job, and instead of supporting us and goign to get another job, he spent all of our money that was meant for college. I'm not even sure if I will get to go...

Yes, I always try to do my absolute best to be respectful. There have been times my mom let me go out with a friend to a late movie, and I got home about 1. I came in quietly, finished my laundry to get it out of her way, etc. (BTW, I've done my own laundry since I was in 5th grade, my mom often doesn't cook for us anyway and we've always had to fend for ourselves, or when there wasn't food in the house, just go without. I never demand that she cooks for me, never make her do my laundry.. basically I am completely responsible for myself, other than that I do not pay rent. I pay for my own necessities(deodorant, toothpaste, hair shampoo, etc))

My boyfriend is wonderful and extremely respectful of her rules. He hated them, but he respected them. However, he does not respect my mother one bit. He doe snot show it outwardly, but the only time he actually a witness to her calling me a *****, screaming and cussing me out, he would have literally knocked her out if it wouldn't have landed his but in jail. We are both Christians and believe in waiting until marriage. We are responsible, I am not going to end up pregnant, we both have plans for college and our future. He treats me wonderfully. Most parents would be ecstatic to have a daughter that has found someone so wonderful. But my parents aren't. Why? Because in their eyes I'm a big nasty ***** that is going to end up pregnant, not go to collge, and that he will just leave me and the baby. (Didn't I tell you my mom's perceptions were screwed up?)

Most parents DO follow that logic Tessa, mine included. Your mom is really out there on a lot of issues but I don't think she's unusually harsh about this one.

Until you move out and are no longer relying on them to keep you fed with a roof over your head, they're going to have control over you. I wish turning 18 was like waving a magic wand and immediately becoming an adult. But parents don't see it that way.

You're right. Turning 18 does not automatically make one an adult. I've been taking care of myself, raising myself, fending for myself most of my life. I never truly got much of a chance to be fully a child. I already am responsible and mature.

The thing is, it is not that my mother cannot trust me, I've shown and proven otherwise, it is just that she does not, mostly due to her mental illnesses.

And, though I didn't express in details all of her rules, because of her mental illness, they are quite ridiculous. If I were to listen to her all the time, there would be no way I coudl possibly be getting better, but only more damaged.

When I say I want freedom, I still believe it is respectful to tell them where you are going, with who, and when you'll be home.. but what I expect is to not have to beg to be able to do it, and in return not get called names and cussed out for wanting to hang out with friends.

while yeah, i agree it should be this way, and don't think it is fair for you to get cussed out and yelled at...


If you are under your mother's roof, there is nothing you can do. I am 21, and have all the freedoms i want when I am up at school, but when I am home, I am restricted from doing things I would normally do up at school. I don't argue cause I know I will never win with my parents.

IMO the only way for you to get the freedoms you want is to actually move it. No amount of "it shouldnt be like this" (no matter how true!!) is going to change your mom's mind unfortunately

My mom also thinks if you're living under her roof, you live by her rules. She's told us many times, "I don't care if you're 18 or 28, you're still under my roof." But I don't know... I'm 16, my brother will be 18 in two weeks, and I think she gives us plenty of freedom already, I don't think anything will change for my brother when he turns 18.

This is why I am REALLY hoping to go to college in Ft Wayne where I will have to live in an apartment. But, like I said.. my dad spent all of our college funds... I'm not even sure they will even be willing to help me out with college. (Of course, all of this is after they bought my 21 year old brother really expensive SUV, pay for his insurance, payed for his college, still pay for all of his gas, still has never had a job in his life, and they still wake him up and do all his laundry.)

I'm saving for my own car, and will pay for my own gas and insurance. I will buy all my own necessities, food, and completely care for myself. That is more than my two older "adult" brothers have ever done, and I will choose to do what I want when I'm graduated from highschool. I will be respectful, but I will live my life the way I choose. If she wants to kick me out, fine... I can go live with my boyfriend if he can support us both. We both would rather avoid that as we believe in waiting until marriage for sex, and that woudl be putting ourselves in a position to fail.. but better that then continuing to be damaged by my parents.

Heck, if I had the means to move out right now and take my dogs with me, I would. But I'm not leaving without my dogs. And that means I must be able to afford and care for them completely. I will not have my dogs doing without good quality food, heartworm and flea preventatives, etc etc. If I don't have enough for that, I won't leave them. They are my responsibility. And I know they wouldn't get taken care of here.

I guess the difference here is that I am NOT treated well or with respect... it isn't that I just want to be rebellious and do whatever I want.. I just want to be able to make my own responsible choices. I want to be able to love Dustin, I want to be able to care for my dogs the way the deserve to be, I want to be given the love and respect I deserve, instead of being treated like crap, cussed and screamed at, hit, or continue to be emotionally damaged by my dad and his stupid remarks. And I want to get better.. something I don't think will happen in this house. I need away from it. But I guess being loved and respected is too much to ask for in this house....

When I turned 18 and was still in high school, I still had a curfew and all that. But once I graduated high school, my parents gave me a lot more freedom. I told them where I was going and when I would be back, but it could be any time I wanted. If I was going to be out really late, I stayed at a friend's house so I wouldn't disturb them. They didn't care, as long as they knew where I was. I had my own car and a job. So, I as long as I wasn't breaking the law, wasn't being disrespectful, and wasn't disturbing them, they were cool with it. They expected me to act like an adult and I did. They certainly never told me who to date. Once you're 18, I really don't think they should have any say about who you're dating.

until you pay your own bills, rent electricty gas and water, let alone phone and buy your own food, medicine, clothing, let alone vet bills, you are not taking care of yourself. It came as a real shocker to my kids, i don't think they full repsected my raising them as a single parent until they found out what it was like. Save your money now is all i got to say, bide your time, work hard and get out, then your life will be your own.
that is the way it is here.

i put myself through college, no one even showed me where the forms were for grants, scholarships, you name it, i found it. U can too. I started when i was 16 and came back two years later and picked up my highschool diploma.

I don't break the law, I try my best to be respectful(ie: pretty hard to just take it when being called a ***** or slut),.. but my mom just isn't reasonable.

She thinks so long as I live under her roof, she has every right to control every aspect of my life, including whether or not I have a boyfriend. She thinks she will still be able to control who I am friends with, who I go out with for things like movies, bowling, etc, who I can date, where I can go, etc etc. I'm basically locked in a cage and cant' do anything but school, dog training, and work.

That's sad. She's really going to drive you away acting like that.

I hope that you're able to move out soon.