Little changes.. but where are the big ones!?

You say you will be happy only if its an A. The problem with that is that is easily becomes that an A you got because you got lucky, or you just barely got it because you didn't study but am naturally smart is better than any B you got studying your brains off. It doesn't work that way, the value of a grade really goes more on the effort backing it. I'm not stupid, and I am taking chemistry as well. I'm supposed to be in the advanced class and I studied hours and flunked a test. Yes I'm in the advanced class so it seems that is should mean I'm getting As just as you are smart and you should be getting As. But onbiously as we both have found out, it doesn't work that way. Soemthings are harder. It doesn't matter the grade on the test, it matters if you know it when you need to use it. So make sure you know it, review what you got wrong and learn from your mistakes. If you are trying to prove something to yourself or others than stop killing yourself over it and study for the final.It will cover that material and if you make an A on that you will prove that you did learn it. And trust me, many people who made an A on that last test won't continue using it as much and may miss it on the final. So in the end it is the final that counts.
Why did you want the A? I think before you do anything else you need to decide that? Was it so you could show it to other people, was it to make yourself feel good about yourself? Was it so you could prove to yourself that you worked hard? Was it for college? You don't need to prove anything to anyone, certainly not God. God knows what you think and what he feels and I guarantee you 100percent that I values the effort and could care less about the grade. An A won't prove you worked hard either, I have gotten As I didn't deserve. Andif its for college, are you sure that it even matters? Do you need to get into a top-notch college for your future career? If so, yeah grades are important but so is the SAT score and your activities.

Now I know the main point of this was that you were unhappy with your reaction. I mean this in the nicest way- Get over it. Don't feel sorry for yourself. Move on. I honestly didn't mean to sound rude I promise. ITs making it worse so don't get angry over getting angry or you will put yourself into an even worse spot. Life moves on. You realize there was a problem in the way you thought so thats good. It shows you realize mistakes. Where you went wrong is where you beat yourself up over it. You have changed but you can't concentrate on what you have done like you are. you're concentrating on yeah I've done this but while your looking back your forgetting you still have more to do and you get caught up int he other stuff. You have come far but come on, things go slowly. If Da Vinci painted the MonaLisa in one day do you think it would have looked as good? IF adulthood is said to be the most important part of our life than why do we have childhood? ITs because we can't go too fast. When you go too fast you trip. You have come far, the way you dress now itsnt just a physical change, its a personal one too. Because you value different things now and you understand that maybe some of the other music was wrong. The most important issues are the ones that take longer so give it time

I don't get lucky. Even before when I *never* studied or did my homework, if I even payed half attention in class I could stil pass all of my test with high Bs and As. And now that I'm studying.. well.. its not luck. Its intelligence paired with good study habits.

The only thing I'm proving to myself is the fact that I can work hard, I can change, and I can get good grades. This is not for any of the other students. Only for me, and my teachers(and not to prove anything.. they know I'm smart)

And by the way, I'm not rich. If I want to go to college, I have to get scholarships. I screwed around my freshman and sophomore years, getting mostly Bs and then the few odd Cs on my report cards, which obviously brings your GPA down alot. So, in order to get that GPA back up, I must get straight As all of this year and next year.

Again, easier said than done. I do not and cannot expect others that have never had to grow up like I did to understand.. but I hope you can try. It wasn't about being self absorbed or feeling sorry for myself. During the entire time of my little depression I still worked my butt off in school, I still cheered my absolute best for my last ever cheer comp, I still did my best to help any others with their homework, I still took the time to care and help others... I guess when I call it depression it really isn't that true of a depression..but it was seriously a never ending state of sadness.

I'm sorry if I left these details out. I feel they speak alot about who I am. Yes, I was extremely dissapointed in myself when I had finally realized I had been lying to myself about having actually changed.. but you see,I didn't give up. I felt horrible, I was dissapointed in myself, I was extremely discouraged, but never once did I get so self absorbed that I just quit and gave up. Nor did I ever believe that this change should happen overnight. I've been working on it for about 1 1/2 - 2 years now. I KNOW that it won't happen overnight. I never said that it would.. never did expect it to. The problem I had is that the little "progress" I thought I had made wasn't really progress at all.

Perhaps because I was writign about what took place weeks ago is what got people off. Or maybe I just can't communicate it well. In no way am I depressed or hurrying or anything.. right now I just wish I knew HOW to go about changing myself. What I have been doing obviously isn't working. Supposedly I'm doing everything right... but the results just aren't proving that.

BTW, it isn't always necessarily outloud anger about my grades. More or less it is sadness.. some anger, but more sad. I'm sorry if I got you people mixed up again...

But I'll drudge on.. continue to try my best to fix this mess my parents made...

I can relate to a lot of your feelings. school is hard, and theres a lot of underlying emotions and feelings that go on about everything

your last statement bothered me tho. my best friend was a foster kid who just got adopted. his brother is almost a year younger than him and they are complete opposites. your profile says that your like 2yrs older than me. that means your old enough to think for yourself, make your own decisions, and develop your own personality and quit blaming you parents. just like my best friend did. his brother, on the other hand, is stuck on that. we think hes going to drop out, he's not doing well with peers, grades, teachers or new parents . . .

Theres no black and white guidelines to wake up one morning and be awesome. It sounds like your doing a good job anyway! really...
I think you need to evaluate how you measure your own progress LOL

Have you read Dr. Phil's sons book? (Jay McGraw I believe is his name... something or another about teens. a good guide. its amusing as well. good read)

Just because you turn 16 years old doesn't mean the problems your parents caused in you automatically go away.

And I know for a fact that my anger problems were in fact caused by my mother. Ever heard that theory that abused kids go on to be abusers? Well, for me, it was true.

No, I have not read that book. I might look into it this summer..but I won't have any time to read until then..

I'm sorry if my post was harsh or you didn't believe it applied to you. Sometimes I need people to be blunt. But you have to realize I did my share of growing up too. I'm a Christain as well and like you I had to stuggle with it on my own. My parents are "Catholic" and though they are good people, and I know they do believe in God they never go to church. They didn't really encourage me when I decided I wanted to commit myself to them. I can only imagine their reactions when I tell them I Want to be a missionary. They sometimes seem like luke warm Christains and maybe without knowing it, they made me feel like it was stupid to be as completely for God as I was. They aren't against God at all and so maybe it sounds like I have it pretty good but I too struggled. Few of my friends are completely on fire Christains. The ones that are don't seem to give me much support. They are more like I'm pretty sure I'm a good Christain who goes to church but I can't seem to follow it with their actions. I Went through a period of determining what sort of Christain to be. I'd gone to a Christain camp and youth group type thing but my parents were Catholics and though Catholics are considered Christains, to me there was a huge difference. I had to decide which demonination, how to study ect. And when I had a burn-out from God I found no comfort to help me get back on track. I won't go into details because it still hurts to this day. I was depressed for awhile, medically depressed. You can't make the assumption that I have never had to grow up because you don't know me.

ITs time to stop blaming your parents as Gijora said. We have to take what life gives us. My friends parents divorced, her brother sexually abused her and her dad died, and she is one of the most stable on-fire for God people I know. She still goes through rough times but she doesn't blame her parents who splitting and loves her brother. My other friends parents split and her father mentally abused her, her mom has married a total of three or four times. She as well is strong. And yet another person who I used to call a friend, her mom had her at 16, she lived with her grandparents, her dad was in jail, moved back with her mom, her mom has gone through more divorces, and now thinks about cutting (I dont know if she has), drinks and steals. We all react differently to different situations but I don't think we should blame our parents. If we blame our parents who make us struggle to be good while they have done wrong then it allows others to blame their parents for the wrong that they themselves do. You can be upset, I give you that but sometimes you have to stop and let it be. Let go of it.

I'm not syaing I dont think you are good. I Think you've changed wonderfully. Stop denying it, ifyou are telling your life story (I admit its not a life story but you have given us personal details) then you must trust us. If you trust us then you should trust our opinions. And we are proud of you. A tree grows very slowly, not always even inches a year, but after many eyars, it is sturdy enough to hold the weight of a great deal. It is working.

A lot of people have to get scholarships too. I have to work hard to figure out someway to pay for what I Want to do because my mom doesn't support it. ITs not all about GPA like I Said, its about well-rounded people which it sounds like you are.

And this is where I disagree.

Many of my problems are, in fact, my parents fault. Along with some other crap that I will not get into. And to say that my parents never caused the problems that I have is a total lie. I would be lying to you, and to myself. Fact is, my parents played a MAJOR role in the problems I had growing up, adn the problems I am working on fixing now.

Just because you can realize that your parents screwed you over doesn't mean you can't change. Yes, I realize that my parents are the blame of many of my problems, but no, that doesn't mean I lay the blame on them NOW when I fail. In the past my problems and such were their fault.. but NOW I know better. NOW when I screw up, it is MY fault. They are still the cause, but I am now responsible enough to be responsible for myself and to change myself. It is just rather unfortunate that I must take these steps because of my parents.

I'm not saying my parents ruined it for me, it would have been nice for a little more support but they didn't ruin anything.
See here is where I now finally understnad. From your messages it made me feel as if you were blaming your parents for your mistakes. I see how physical lasting injuries can be blamed and the emotional and mental scars is always the grey areas. I believe I person may point you down a road but its never to busy to switch lanes. So yes I realize it may be because of a chain effect from your parents but I never believe full blame should be given to them. I see where you are coming from and I agree for the most part but I'm done trying to argue my point for now. I'm proud of you for what you have done but you have to stop thinking you arent getting anywhere

I'm curious... what is this "CHANGE" your talking of?

What do you want to see happen?

What do you want your friends to see?

Tessa, I didn'tmean that at all. I know from all your other posts that you are a very caring and giving person. I know how you volunteer for dogs and just all kinds of things you're written. So, no...I didn't mean it that way. What I meant was that when you focus too hard on yourself, on improving something, on your every move, you lose sight of the bigger picture and I think it paralyzes you. Of course we all want to be better and improve things in ourselves and our lives. But sometimes it doesn't come from over analyzing and being overly introspective.

You eyes are turned very inwards - start looking outwards.

It is a pretty selfish attitude you have (you know I won't pull any punches Tessa). Your posts are very focused on yourself, you're very wrapped up in the world of Tessa. You might not believe we only have ONE life, but you should at least take the attitude make the most of what you have now. Maybe not selfish? Self obsessed? You are analysing every aspect of your life and SEARCHING for faults... Every post is a negative critique of your life.

You need to sit down every day and write down three positives you achieved that day. Even if it is - tidied my room, picked up some rubbish, smiled at a stranger etc etc etc.

Keep them on your wall.

See if you can add one more every couple of days.

Funnily enough we had a lecture just yesterday about resiliance. About kids who encounter problems.

The resiliant kids pick themselves up, dust themselves down and take the problem as a LEARNING experience.

The non-resiliant kids let the encounter paralyse and hold them back.

Which category do you think you fit into?

My duty here on earth is not to hang back and have fun. It is not to only please myself. I am here to be the best person I can, to serve others, and be happy.

If this thread is about me adn my journey of trying to change, how could I NOT talk of myself?

I just never knew trying to be a better person was a selfish thing. Because, in fact, I want to become a better person for the people around me.. not just for me.

I am a resiliant kid then. I know you probably think I'm not, but considering the fact that I continue to look at things, analyze, compare and contrast, and do whatever I can to learn from experiences.. well, I'd find it hard to classify myself as non-resiliant.

I used to have some pretty bad anger problems. I used to be overly hard and judgemental on others. I expected them to be perfect, and when they didn't live up to that I'd get very angry and frustrated with people and take it out verbally on them. I have put a whole in a wall, broken a window, and over 3 years ago I used to even take it out on my own dogs.

A little over two years ago I began training a little rescue dog that helped me more than anything to learn about myself. That is when I began to try to change... two years ago.. and the problem is still not cured. The only difference is now that I take ALL of it out on myself rather than others.

The problem I am talking about is my abusive tendencies. Sure, I don't take it out on others anymore.. but it is still just as unhealthy to take it out on myself. I know this.. I jsut don't know how to change it.

In doing that.. you have to learn how to hang back and have fun

I'm not saying you have to party and be stupid.. but loosin up chic.. you seem uptight about life

If you've ever read about my little adventures in walmart, my going to movies with friends,.. or anything about how whacky and goofy I am.. I DO have fun. I know when to have fun, but I also know when it is necessary to be serious. You won't become a better person by jsut wishing it ..you have to work at it. And I plan to do so. That doesn't mean I'm a lifeless jerk that just exists.. no, I'm still a retarded whacky teenager, but my only purpose in life is not to have fun. There is more to life than just having no worries and having fun.

By not having fun I'm assuming you mean by not leading a careless unfilled life?

Yes - but you're doing it the wrong way round.

You're doing it because it is a DUTY not because it is something you want to give freely.

You want to better yourself by being kind to others, then that is a selfish act.

You need to stop analysing, and start DOING. You're analysing whether you have done enough - so who are you doing it for?

If you are truely servong others, then you wouldn't be worrying about how you look, and what others think of you.

Personally, I think you should have a healthy mixture of BOTH.

Unless you know how to please yourself and are satisfied, how can you give your full potential to anyone else?

Happiness is infectious. Ever seen how much pleasure a child gets out of seeing someone else laugh?

Maybe you could talk to your school's counselor and she could help you get through this. She could help you find ways to express your anger and stuff without being so hard on yourself. It is very hard to make big changes alone. Any kind of them. It takes a support system and people to help you. And you could just talk to the counselor and tell them everything that you are upset about or whatever, and maybe it would help?

I dunno just a thought...I have been going to a counselor lately and it's not bad. It helps to have someone to talk to thats not going to judge you or get upset with you for complaining about things or whatever.

I agree with the above post that maybe you should seek professional counseling. You seem lost and confused to me.

Tessa, like I, and many others, have said many times, you have good intentions, i.e., trying to better yourself, trying to lead a good Christian life, etc.. , but the means you use to achieve them are all wrong.

Perhaps, just for today, you should try not to focus on your faults, but on your achivements, as little as they are. Write them all down, then when tonight comes, offer them to God in prayers, and ask Him to continue to be with you as you go to sleep. Then tomorrow morning, talk to God in prayers again to ask Him to be by yourside throughout the day while you focus on all the positive things that happen around you. Live your life with a thankful attitude, for all the good, and the bad that God's sent your way.

Do it, and you will see the difference. You will change. I promise.

I agree. Maybe you should think about some help with anger management. It seems like that is your problem...and anger does not simply go away by trying to change your attitude, imo.

Ok, i have been kinda holding back on saying this, but post after post from you i have been getting the same impression, which may or may not be true...

It seems like you are unable to be happy for yourself for your own acheivements. For example, you KNOW most people are gonna say "omg, great job on the 88%, that IS a good grade", or "you are such a great person for helping out at the humane society", etc etc

I feel like a lot of your posts are fishing for compliments, which there isnt necessarily anything wrong with once in a while...but you need to learn to congratulate yourself, and be happy with your own acheivements.

I used to be the same way, and i still do it every once in awhile. I like my efforts to be acknowledged as much as the next person, but i have learned that it really doesnt make a difference what other people think. I am also someone who is not happy with less than 100%, but i have learned not to beat myself up over it...its not worth it. I know i have to balance my outside commitments with school.

I definately have done poorer on tests because i chose to stick with my commitment to volunteer instead of study...in the long run, seeing the looks on the kids faces (i volunteer at a therapeutic riding place, where children with disabilties are able to ride horses) are so much more worth my time and efforts than getting a few additional points on an exam.

Just out of curiosity, what are your goals in life?? What colleges are you looking to attend? Do you know what you want to be when you "grow up?"