Little changes.. but where are the big ones!?

So, all of you who read my posts know that I am very very serious about always trying to be a better person. My friends and others that know me all say they see little tiny changes in me, more obvious changes like the music I listen to, the way I dress, etc. But no one ever says anything about my attitude. Heck, I work extremeley hard in school now, and people don't even seem to notice that.

Two weeks ago I did bad on a Chemistry test(stupid 88%s) and I got really upset. I studied hard for that test and actually thought I did well.. so, when Igot the test back, it was almost to the point where I could have cried. And I kept beating up on myself calling myself stupid and such as I normally do. All this time, through the summer, I'd been working to change and fix myself. I thought I had changed, but I hadn't. I may not take my anger out on others anymore, but fact is, it is still taken out. And all of it is taken out on myself. This made me realize that I had not changed, I only changed WHO I took my anger out on.

I guess taking it out on myself is better than others, but it is still jsut about as unhealthy. And the fact is, I wanted to CHANGE.. and still do, but am starting to feel hopeless.

As much as I try, I fail 20/21 times..

I guess it's easier to motivate yourself to be kinder to others rather than kinder to yourself.

mmm. thats exactly right. me? i went the other way. i tried REALLY hard for years and years. i beat up on myself when i didn't do as well as i wanted. i cried over bad report cards. eventually i just gave up.

People are sometimes not the most observant creatures. However, you've set a new path down and are following it. So long as you notice the difference, you're doing good. What other people notice in you isn't nearly as important

Letting anger build isn't healthy either. As much as we try to improve ourselves, there are certain characteristics which make up who we are. In otherwords, if you're going to get angry over an 88%, then do so. Just don't do it in a destructive manner (ie, turning it on friends or yourself). Rather, use it to motivate you to achieve what you want.

**easier said than done, mind you**
I can only refer you to the quote in your signature on this one
Very true.

mrose, that always used to be me. Last year I gave up entirely. I slept in most of my classes, I didn't do homework. I almost failed three different classes.

Now I am getting straight A's, but not without a struggle. But, as weird as it may seem, the struggle is not with the fact that the work is hard. I understand most of everything.. my struggle is with myself. Anything less than a 100% is not satisfactory for me.. And, now that I've started accepting 95% and up as good grades, I still have a problem with A-'s.

This is exactly why I gave up last time. I gave up because I wasn't perfect.. and anything less than perfect might as well been failing in my eyes. And it was just easier to sleep and do nothing in classes. (Well, I often busied myself in classes with just reading my dog books.. still getting education I guess.. )

My struggle is not with my grades. I can get straight A's easily. The only thing holding me back is myself. The more I beat up on myself, the more stressed I get, and then the quality of my work lessens.. and that is where you start seeing those stupid Bs on tests.

I get what you are saying. People don't care enough to actually look past the outside .. You're right. I shouldn't let that discourage me.

And I absolutely know that. And that is what I am trying to fix. As I kid I was allowed to throw fits, I was never corrected for taking anger out on people... and just the fact that my mom's both physically and verbally abusive charectoristics traveled right through the genes to me.. its hard to change who you've been for 15 years..

I'm still not going to be happy with anything less than an A.. but that doesn't mean I should beat up on myself. I should do what I can to get extra credit, and move on to the next test. In dog shows I always say 'next time'. I never make things a big deal, learning and having fun are my ONLY goals, and if I win, GREAT! But if not, there is always 'next time'. Now.. if only somehow I could transfer my attitude with my dog showing to my schoolwork. Been trying..but not sure how... (again, the kinder to others is easier than kinder to yourself issue.. grrr..)

That quote.. I'm going to write it in BIG FAT marker all over my Alg and Chem binders, on the top and front of all of my tests, and stamp it on my forhead.

Okay, so not the forehead..but it will be printed on binders and tests.. I need to remember that quote.. specifically when I actuallystart to get discouraged.

Your cup is half empty. Getting 88% on a test and beating yourself up over it isn't a healthy attitude.

88% is not a bad mark - perhaps seeing the positives in yourself instead of concentrating on the negatives might be a start?

That is a very worrying attitude. Success is about accepting your mistakes and learning from them.

But it is also about realising what you have done well. Until you can do that, you will always feel like a failure.

I dont think most people feel comfortable going up to someone and saying "hey, i am so glad you dont take your anger out on me anymore...way to change!" or "good to see that you are now working hard in school, you used to be such a slacker"

Commenting on your change recognizes that something was wrong to begin with, so it puts friends in a really awkward position (IMO) to say something about that change...if that makes any sense...

Does NOT mean they haven't noticed though.

Heh you're gonna have to be satisfactory with less than 100% in college.

Heck, in some classes I'm satisfied with a D because the class is curved such that a D is an A because of how ridiculously hard the class is.

Also get upset when you make less than a 100, that makes a lot of people feel bad. Cuz say you say your stupid when you make less than a 100, well maybe your friends feel like you think they are stupid cuz they don't make a 100.

I used to want all A's and got them most the time in high school. But I had a few B's in high school on my report card which upset me, but not that much. A 88 on a test? No big deal its not like that will bring your over all average down.

However I got to college, my first semester 3 B's and a C. A C! My GPA got really screwed up, and I was on academic probation for my scholarships. But it wasn't cuz I was stupid. It's cuz that class was hard and meant to weed people out. In college most professors are happy with a C average on tests for the class. Since then I have made all A's one B. And I have come to accept that. I work hard and do as best as I can without spending my entire life devoted to studying.

Although I have to get to class, but don't be so hard on yourself. You will have a rude awakening in college if you continue on that path. I know I did.

Life is not all A's and it never will be. Being a college graduate, I can tell you grades are important, but not nearly as important as you think. If you make an 88 on everything from here on out, I think you will be just fine. Job interviewers have not asked me whether I made an 98 or an 88, but that I have a college degree and what other experience I have gotten. You can't give yourself such a hard time over something that really isn't so bad. I can't imagine how badly you would beat yourself up over a C or a D. If you are not happy with a grade, pick yourself up and challenge yourself to do better next time, beating yourself up will only bring down your self confidence and possibly make you do worse on the next one.

Have you tried rewarding yourself when you do something good instead of punishing yourself when you do something bad? If you get an A, get a massage, or a facial, or buy some cds, do something that makes you happy to reward yourself, but only if you do something good, and don't set your standards too high on your good thing, bc if you never get rewards then you won't progress. It'll feel as if all the work is for nothing. I know it sounds like a really minor thing, but please try it, I think it could help you to see how good you really are doing. There are always minors bumps in the road, you just have to know how to get around them. Good luck!

BTW, you are on your way for the big changes, you have to have several little changes to make a big change, so that right there is something you should reward yourself for. Don't beat yourself up bc people don't notice the big changes yet, everything will come together, and YOU have to appreciate yourself and all your good changes before anyone will notice them. When they see the inner you is glowing and happy, that is when they will notice. Trust me, they will notice, you just have to get where you want to be.

Yes!!!! click/treat! LOL.

And.....something I've discovered after being on this planet for quite a while...if you make a point of not focussing so much on yourself, but stepping out of yourself a little...focusing on other people, other things, thinking and caring about what's going on around you rather than so much within you, things fall into place better...things balance out and you're much happier.

Quoting from "What About Bob"...

"Baby steps."

Hi Tessa,

My name is Theresa, and I am a Catholic Catechist. Im also one of the youth group leaders at my parish. I've come accross lots of your posts, and it seems to me that you've trying a bit too hard, and putting too much pressure on yourself. Please know that God loves you for who you are. He created you in His own image, and thus love you with all His might. All He asks is for you to love him back with all your might, and that you love others as you love yourself.

See, LOVE should be in the center of it all. I've picked up here and there on your posts that you seem to be your harshest critic, you criticise yourself, and set such expectations so that you always ended up hating yourself for not meeting them! That's not what God wants you to do, nor what He intended for you to be. By demanding that one should love others as he/she loves him/herself, God assumes that everyone should love him/herself first and formost.

Please try to love yourself first, even before you try to love God & other people, for one cannot love God who lives in Heaven, and is invisible to his/her naked eyes, if he/she cannot love the God who lives within him/herself first. For example, I understand your disappointment when you got 88% on your Chemistry test while you expected something higher, but you should not hate yourself because of it. If at all, you should take it as a challenge or motivation to do better next time, and LOVE yourself because you've tried your best. Some times, all we can do is trying our best, and trust that God will take care of the rest for us.

Through many of your posts, I can see that your heart is in the right place, and your intention to please God is admirable, but hating yourself while you try to achieve that goal is not going to get you there.

The first step for you, I think, is to learn to accept yourself for who you truly are - and be thankful not just for your gifts and talents, but also for all the shortages, and weakness that altogether make you, you: God's beautiful daughter!

Live is a journey. May God continue to bless you on your journey, and may you enjoy it every single step of the way!

Happiness is a choice and attitude is everything. The difference between someone who becomes great and someone mediocre is how they deal with challenges and failures. Did you know that Magic Johnson got cut from his highschool, basket ball team?
Are you seriously unhappy with an 88% or are you looking for a reason to beat yourself up and be unhappy? I've been out of school for a while but I thought 88% was an A What would you say to a friend who got an 88% ? Would it be ok for for them, just not for you? If so, what makes you so different that you have to be held to perfect standard? Are you better than everyone else?
You'll never be perfect (sorry! you're only human) and being unhappy with anything less is just choosing to be unhappy much of the time. I liked Carrie's advice. The best way to feel happy / better about yourself is to help someone else- too true.
I wouldn't wait for other people's kudos. Most people are quick to criticize but feel uncomfortable giving compliments. Isn't it really yourself you want to please anyway? Happiness comes from within so do you think you could maybe cut yourself some slack ? Life is hard- so be nice to yourself. ((big pats for trying to become a better person))

Tessa, aren't you making straight A's at the moment?

Listen, what you need to do is you need to think more analytically. First off... 88%, not sure how the grading scale goes at your school, but in my school that's a HIGH B. I'm satisfied with A's and B's... C's... that's when I get upset.

But: look at what you did wrong, analyze... let's say the 88% is a C... think about the affect it will take on your overall average in your class, if it's hurtful, think of how to improve yourself. Look at what you did wrong, were you constantly distracted when you studied, did you not take good enough notes, did you talk too much in class? All of these factor in to how well you will do overall.

It's OK every once in a while not to do PERFECT; we're only human, and at that, we're TEENAGERS.

Don't get discouraged and start to say 'there's no way I can do better, I'm always failing'... if you set yourself in that state of mind, then you're going to stay there and your grades WILL plummet and you WILL fail. Don't do that to yourself.

Remember this quote:

Failure is only the opportunity to begin again, this time, more wisely.

My stepdaughter is someone i really admire. SHe taught me a lot too about coping. She had rough beginnings, a lot rougher then anyone i know and yet she became a strong woman of a large family that actually is doing the "real" thing. SHe had a set of twins in there too, and a husband, and baby after baby but her house was clean, her children well mannered, she home schooled the littlest ones as well. SHe told me
"i just let it all go" and delt with what was in front of me. She is very religious so i imagine for her it was like turning it over to Jesus, but that wasn't what she said. I think she meant she accepted things for what they are and quit trying to wish it different. THat is something i am trying to do now but it is easier said then done. I am so angry inside i feel the tears creep up and have to shake it off before i end up screaming and that is the truth. I want to be grumpy, i want to snap at people, i want to stay on the couch and pull the blanket over my head, sometimes i wish i was dead. But instead......
i get up and put Hy on the bus, i go to the guild and make the only effort towards my life as an artist i can make right now. I try not to think too much. I want to be angry about alot of things but it take more energy then i have.
I wish you could be at peace with yourself, i imagine you are more critical of yourself then you are of anyone else around you. Me too. Maybe that isn't such a bad thing in the long run though. My art teacher told me that "i didn't always know how to do a thing right but i could see when i had done it wrong." When i said "oh Gee thanks", she said " nonono that is a good thing".
I would much rather a person always be trying to work on anger control issues then be a person that takes it out on everyone around them and then makes excuses.

I know. I have admitted this, and I have also stated that this is what I am trying to change.

I don't think I made this clear, although I was very unhappy with the 88%, what kept me in such a depression for almost two weeks was not the grade, but the fact that I hadn't changed. The fact that I was still the same miserable person I was before; that I hadn't changed but only directed all my anger towards myself.

On average, no, it is not. It is a high B, but I am smart. I know this, and I know that I easily can get straight As(which I am). So, for me, an 88% is still not good enough, but point is, I shouldn't get so upset about it. People make mistakes, people fail, the best thing to do is get right back on. I know this..but it is easier said then done when you've spent hte first 15 years of your life as a waste of life. (I know, harsh again.. but I was. I was a waste of life, but no longer. My life has meaning now, and I'm working to change myself.)

Baby steps-

I know. Trust me, I know. You aren't a dog trainer for 8 years and still don't know that. I know it requires small improvements over a long period of time. And those small improvements will go much faster and much more successfully if positive reinforcement is included in there. I tell this to my troubled friends many times. I'm helping people in my school all the time using this concept. And it works. I know that. It works with dogs, it works with humans, it works with anything.

Doberluv, I am a person that is caring and compassionate. I do care about the things and people around me. I love to volunteer at the humane society, I love to help the rescue dogs that I am able to train for my dog training instructors, I love to help other people, and I have also joined a program dedicated to help others. The program is for troubled kids, and I have plans to help these other kids(though I am actually "one of those kids", I am more like a mentor there).

My only focus on myself is making sure that I am becoming a better person. It doesn't happen over night, and it doesn't happen ifyou don't work at it.

An 88% here is a B+

If my friend got an 88% and I knew that it was a good grade for THEM as an individual, then yes, I would be happy for them. Heck, for some friends those "good grades" are actually Cs. You have to judge on each individual person, not just group them altogether. And, judging myself as an individual, anything less than an 90% is not good for ME.