Vent ahoy.
I'm working out, I'm eating clean, I juice veggies twice a day..
and the weight is coming off, I feel better, I feel leaner..
then I decide to skype with my mother today and she hits me with "you know the freshman 15 is supposed to come off after freshman year.. haha"
hilarious.
I weigh 125 pounds. I'm 5'3. It's not like she is concerned for my health she just says these THINGS and they make me feel so awful about myself.
Yes, I weighed 110 in high school. I played sports, I barely ate, I HATED myself and spend hours just focusing on my body. My life is different now, I eat healthy but a lot, I don't have as much time, I have a job, I have Merlin..I don't hate myself.
and yet, one sentence from her and I do.
I love her. I do. She is an amazing parent for most things.
But when it comes to academics and my body sometimes I feel so much pressure from her I could just crumble. And it's always in the same kind of nit picking little things she says
"Wow you haven't been a freshman in a while, time to lose the 15"
"Do you really need another serving? Are you sure you're actually hungry?"
"Maybe she should run or walk to work.."
"I had a 4.0 and a full time job.. but then again I didn't watch TV all the time"
"No boyfriend huh? Well, at least you have more time to focus on your body and your grades. Nobody will love you until you are doing your best in your life"
"I just want you to be perfect because I love you and I know you can be perfect if you just apply yourself"
"If you can't discipline yourself and look your best now, how will you do it when your metabolism isn't that of a 21 year old?"
and I don't want it to get to me. but it does.
I get so anxious and the pressure just..hurts.
I want to be perfect for her but I feel like it will never be good enough.
There are so many ways she is an amazing mother but the pressure to be perfect for her is just.. ugh.