Honest opinion...

[skittledoo]

If your spouse grabbed his/her pillow to go lay down on the couch and when you asked them what's wrong they respond with, "I'm tired of doing the same thing every day and there is absolutely nothing worth coming home to."... Would you take it personal?

My husband just said this making me feel completely worthless and unwanted because the words and tone in his voice suggested that he may have intended that I'm not worth coming home to anymore. He is now sitting on the couch with his pillow and probably drinking.

*sigh*

 

[CharlieDog]

Um, yes. That is a major, very big, no good, serious issue.

 

[yoko]

Yeah I would take that personally and you even say you can tell he meant it that way too!

I know you have talked about having trouble but last I remember you had planned to talk to someone about that. Are you still doing that? I'd definitely mention this.

You deserve better than that. And I'll say it each and every time.

 

[JessLough]

Um, yes. That is a major, very big, no good, serious issue.

This.

 

[puppydog]

Not cool at all. Maybe you shouldn't be home the next time.

 

[skittledoo]

Ya I've been meeting with a marriage counselor. I love him and I want to work through things, but some days I really feel like I would be better off without him. We were starting to do so well recently too.... We literally went a few weeks without fighting... Didn't exactly fight tonight but...

He says he is just bored and has nothing to do. He comes home and sits and watches tv all night long. I have to work so I try to go to bed at a decent hour and he will stay up watching tv long after I've gone to bed now. I can't even remember the last time we were even intimate. Usually he kicks the dogs out of my room temporarily for that but lately he just hasn't bothered.

Ugh I was supposed to be asleep forever ago because I have to work in the morning. Now I'm struggling to fall asleep.

 

[TahlzK]

I'm so sorry

I hope you can work things out. Does he have interests that he and you can do together so you can have fun, together rather then just sitting at home?

 

[Zoom]

I'd like to punch him in the face for saying that, how's that?

Amber, you deserve better than a wavering, unappreciative husband who begrudges you a lot of little stuff. Just sayin'.

 

[Dizzy]

Is the marriage counsellor helping you realise you deserve a marriage, not a life sentence.

It's not going to get better..... Sorry.

 

[blue]

Thats pretty damned disrespectful.

 

[Hillside]

Honest opinion?
That's fuct and leave his ass. After all the other crap he's pulled, you are better off without all that bs in your life. Leave. Now. Try a separation first, backing away from the situation will give you both a better handle on it.

 

[Barbara!]

Talk about it, really IN DEPTH. Talk about what he wants you to do, what he wants to do. What he feels you can do to fix it. If you don't sit and talk about it, nothing will come of it. Ask why he is with you if he feels so miserable coming home. Communication is key. So is compromise.

 

[Dizzy]

Talk about it, really IN DEPTH. Talk about what he wants you to do, what he wants to do. What he feels you can do to fix it. If you don't sit and talk about it, nothing will come of it. Ask why he is with you if he feels so miserable coming home. Communication is key. So is compromise.

Josh doesn't do talking.

 

[MicksMom]

..."I'm tired of doing the same thing every day...

This part wouldn't bother me.

..."
and there is absolutely nothing worth coming home to."...

This part, tho, would cut me to the quick.

My gut is telling me there is an underlying problem. Not with you, Amber. I wonder if Josh is depressed.

 

[FG167]

I'd be seriously pissed. I hate passive aggressive comments like that without actually addressing the issue. Plus, it sounds immature to me. He's an adult, if he's bored, get a hobby. Lame - don't let him put you down b/c he's got an issue with himself.

 

[-bogart-]

This part wouldn't bother me.




This part, tho, would cut me to the quick.

My gut is telling me there is an underlying problem. Not with you, Amber. I wonder if Josh is depressed.

THIS , And most people lash out at the ones they love because they feel it is safe to do so. between that and probably realizing being in lluv and a grown up is not all butterflys and rainbows , it is a lot of moneniety and repetitiveness. especially since it was such a struggle to get ya'll together in one place and him & u working and all.

I dont know , maybe he is really just an little kid playing at being a grown up , instead of you know and BEING an actual grown up and acting right.


HUGS and please know you can not fix this , only he can , no matter how much you try / beg / plead / ask / bribe / cajoole / shut yourself away to avoid an argument . You can not fix this , only he can.
HUGS HUGS

 

[puppydog]

Ok. I'm going to say my piece here. Amber. You have changed SO much since you married Josh. And not for the better.

I miss you old posts where you were strong, independent and had views and beliefs. You were not afraid to express who you were and stood for what was right.

You remind me of how I was when I was deeply entrenched in an abusive relationship. Your husk is still here but the inner you is gone. I miss that inner you. He has stripped you of everything that made you shine.

That is what abusers do. They make you feel worthless so you won't leave.

Read what you have written about your marriage and pretend it is me writing it. Give me advice. What would you tell me?

 

[FG167]

You remind me of how I was when I was deeply entrenched in an abusive relationship. Your husk is still here but the inner you is gone. I miss that inner you. He has stripped you of everything that made you shine.

That is what abusers do. They make you feel worthless so you won't leave.

I'm going to echo this. I was there, only engaged, not married, but there. I used to be so proud of myself for being self-sufficient, independent, standing up for things I believed in. Then that went downhill. Got out of that situation and I'm not engaged to someone that not only allows me to be all of that, but enhances it/encourages me. It makes a difference. It was such a slow slide, I never noticed before. The one before used to say the things that your hubby is saying now too...lots of similiarities.

 

[skittledoo]

See... A shell is exactly what I feel like a lot of the time. Even when we are getting along and not arguing about something I still feel like I'm just here wasting away every day. I'm still stress gaining weight... I look WAY different in my opinion than I used to. I must weigh over 200lbs by now... I was about 160 or so when I met Josh.

Honestly... The ONLY thing in my life that keeps me really going is my animals, mainly the dogs. I don't know what I would do without them. They ARE my reason for existing anymore. I don't even feel like I can relate anymore to people if we are talking about something that is not about dogs. It makes visiting family difficult because I know they get annoyed about that a bit.

I really think I would have left him by now if I wasn't so afraid of the money side of things. I don't make enough to really make it out here. It's super expensive to live out here and I make $12 an hour which pretty much pays for my car that's in Josh's name, my dog food and money I owe someone who lent me money a couple years ago. I told him he is responsible for paying for the cat stuff since he is the one that wants to keep him.

I can't easily go live with someone out here... One my car is in Josh's name so I risk losing that. Two... I have family out here but they won't let me move in with them because of the animals, especially because of Bamm and his reactivity issues. There's the possible option of my mom's in GA though I would have to rehome the snakes since corns are illegal to own in GA and my mom is petrified of them... Not to mention I may have no transportation to even move there.

I still don't even know if I'm 100% ready to duck and run from this relationship. I'm not exactly sure why that is though. You would think I would be doing everything possible to get the hell out of here but I feel almost glued.

He ended up coming back to bed last night. This morning he got up and left for work without a single word. He usually at least says bye and kisses me on my cheek but this morning, nothing.

 

[sassafras]

Of course it's personal. How could it NOT be personal? There are so many things wrong with the scene you described that I don't even know where to start, so I'm going to just state the two that I think are most poisonous.

First of all, I know I don't know you as well as some of the other people here, but honestly it seems to me that he projects a LOT of his problems on to you. If he's bored... why is that YOUR responsibility? If I'm bored, I say to my husband "hey, I'm bored, what should we do?" not "I hate my life it's so boring and there's nothing to come home to!!!!"

Second of all, he seems to lack any capacity to talk about the things that are bothering him like a grown up. Walking into the room, taking a passive-aggressive verbal swipe at you, and then spending the night on the couch drinking... I'm sure somewhere in his mind he just told you what was wrong, but since he was speaking his double secret toddler language instead of using his words, I don't see how you're supposed to magically be able to interpret it.

If he can't or won't learn how to get better at both of those things, I don't see how you can ever really be in a healthy relationship with him. You deserve better than to be the scapegoat for all of his problems and insecurities.

I wish you luck and strength, wherever this takes you.