It's not that frikin complicated!!!
I love her. I really do. But I CAN'T DEAL WITH HER ANYMORE WHEN IS THE MOMMY SMUGNESS GOING TO END?!
5 Things Parents Need to Stop Saying to Non-Parents
1. “Dogs are not kids.â€
It usually goes like this. “Ugh. You know what really bugs me? When so-and-so compares her dog to my kid. Or when so-and-so refers to his or her dog as his or her kid. Dogs are not kids! She has NO IDEA!â€
You know what? Unless “so-and-so†needs professional help, I guarantee “so-and-so†knows that her dog is not a human child. She also knows that having a dog is nothing like having a kid. What she’s really saying is “Oh! Yes. I also have something in my life that poops AND brings me joy.â€
She is trying to relate to you and be a part of your life — the life where all you do is talk about your kids. I know that it’s hard to relate when you have kids and your friends don’t. What were once close relationships can become sporadic meet-ups where you do your best to try and catch up with someone with whom you have very little in common anymore. Sure, you two were best buds in college, but now you have very different lives. So, when “so-and-so†offhandedly, and perhaps awkwardly, tries to relate to your story about picking poo out of your bangs by comparing it to scraping dog **** out of the carpet, cut her some slack. She’s just trying to be nice. And she misses you.
2. “You think you’re [insert anything here]? Try having kids!â€
Tired, stressed, in pain, covered in urine, it doesn’t matter. They all apply. Too often, we parents downplay non-parents’ concerns by pulling ours out and tossing them on the table. “Oh man! You worked 50 hours this week? Try doing that with kids!†“Oh man, you think your feet hurt from working outside all day! I’ve been chasing my toddler blah blah blah punch me in the face, please.â€
It’s not a competition. If, on a scale of 1 to Passing Out Awkwardly in the Shower and Waking Up When the Hot Water Runs Out, your friend is at a 7, and three weeks into your first newborn you were at a 9, that DOESN’T MAKE YOUR FRIEND ANY LESS TIRED.
It isn’t that your experiences can’t be a valid contribution to the conversation, but instead of a “my pain is more painful than your pain†approach, instead, try sympathizing. Why not try using your experience as a new parent to help instead of compete? Say something like, “Whoa! I bet you’re tired. When I was tired after my daughter was born, I found that pouring coffee directly into my eyeballs was incredibly useful.â€
3. “Don’t worry, when you have kids you’ll…â€
… not be grossed out by boogers, know who Dora the Explorer is, be happy… UGH. We’ve got to quit assuming that everyone is going to have kids. Some people don’t want kids and choose not to have them. Some people really want kids and are trying incredibly hard to have them. Indicating to these people that having kids is the only way they will reach some higher level of understanding is both inconsiderate and rude. I don’t know what the alternatives to these statements are. Maybe just cut anything that starts with “When you have kids…†out of your repertoire all together. It makes you sound like someone’s mom, anyway.
4. “Is the party kid-friendly?â€
Unless you and your friend have some previous communication on this topic about how your little one is always welcome, assume the party is not kid-friendly.If it were “kid-friendly†they would have invited you AND your kids, and mentioned the awesome playroom that they will have set up in the basement. By asking your non-kid-having friends if their party is kid friendly you are putting them in the really awkward position of either MAKING their party kid-friendly on the fly, or telling you that the party is NOT kid-friendly which, then, no matter how low-key the party was intended to be in the first place, pretty much requires that they now provide a steady supply of hookers and blow.
Don’t make your friends set up a kids’ room, and definitely don’t make them buy hookers and blow.
YOU are on the invitation. YOU are invited.
Yea, finding a sitter is hard and by all means if you don't want to go anywhere without her, do not feel guilty for replying "no" to the RSVP.. but don't just bring your tiny plus one along and "hope it's ok" it's awkward and it's rude.
ESPECIALLY TO FRIKIN BACHELORETTE/ADULT OCCASIONS.
You know we all LOVE your kid. But we want to drink and say what we want and not have to interact with your child for one evening. Someone took the time to host/plan this event and didn't want kids there, respect that.
5. “My life didn’t have meaning before I had kids!â€
Another way to say this: My life was meaningless before I had kids. Another way: Life without kids is meaningless.
Look, I know this feeling. Sometimes it feels like all the worries I had before my kids were trivial. I understand the urge to convey that feeling into words. Don’t do it. Your life may have a different purpose now, but your pre-kid life was an important part of your story, and your non-kid-having friends are a part of that. Don’t dismiss that part of your life the way most people skip the foreword to a novel they really want to read. By dismissing the “before†as just a buildup to your kids, you are not only dismissing your friends, but you’re also implying that their story has not started yet.
We have tried EVERYTHING. We've had the conversation PLENTY of times (especially when she shuts down ANY talk of glee/sadness with trying to one up it with her baby!! NOBODY HAS EVER BEEN MORE TIRED/HAPPY/SAD THAN YOU! YOU WIN!!!)
but nothing works.
We invite her out, she does ALL OF THAT.
We don't invite her (we think, ok, the friendship maybe has run it's course and this is her way of telling us she is moving onto her mommy friends.. ) she pouts and cries that we don't invite her anywhere..
We spend PLENTY of time with her kid and are MORE than supportive (financially and time wise) we have all attended baby classes, baby showers, baby yoga, lunch at kid friendly restaurants NOT TO MENTION paying for baby shower gifts, random gifts, etc..etc..etc..
WE HAVE LISTENED to her talk about poop, placentas, baby wearing, diapers, her kids MANY MANY MANY MANY trivial ups/downs, watched iphone video after video of her kid doing ALL KINDS OF THINGS.
And we smiled and hugged and showed support.
but when it comes to being supportive of us? Nope.
She cancels last minute,she complains when she isn't invited, complains when she is and it's somewhere that isn't kid friendly, she doesn't listen, there is NEVER enough money for a sitter (and she won't even let us pay for one!!) NOTHING we do is important.
We don't want to lose her.
We don't want to lose her kid, we do love her and love being her "aunties"
but being her friend is exhausting and one sided and it's becoming unfair and we are all starting to resent her.
And ANYTIME we talk to her, she either gets defensive or acts like she understands but DOESN'T.
And ANYTIME we try to mention inviting her somewhere without the kid..
she goes OFF THE WALL EMOTIONAL.
"WELL IF YOU GUYS DON'T LOVE HER YOU DON'T LOVE ME EITHER!! IF SHE ISNT WELCOME NEITHER AM I!!!"
WHAT?!?!? BECAUSE WE WANTED TO HAVE DINNER WITH YOU SANS BABY?!
She was NEVER like this.
Not all the parent friends we have are like this.
So what is going on with her?!
WHY?!?!?!?!?!??!