Relationship problems... Again :(

[Renee750il]

I don't think he does it on purpose but ****... ! That's why I brought it to his attention... The whole going off at ppl & blaming others for his mistakes, thinking he is the only one entitled to a 'melt down' then gets mad at other ppl when they mirror his attitude, like I say you give the attitude you're given.

Romy's given you some stellar advice.

You HAVE to stick with sticking up for yourself. It's as important for him as it is for you and the relationship. What you've described here is one of the facets of my mother's personality. She's been that way her entire life. It isn't healthy and it's impossible for an emotionally healthy person to maintain any kind of sane relationship unless the person changes themselves.

Not everyone can change though, or wants to, so it will be up to you to take care of yourself -- however you have to do it.

 

[Dogdragoness]

True.

 

[SkyRock]

I know I'm new around here, but I couldn't help but identify with you. I was in a controlling relationship for almost 4 years, he was very passive aggressive, he would say horrible things to me and then act all loving and caring so I would always make excuses up as to why he was like that, I guess I was blind and didn't realize how much that was affecting my self esteem. He would verbally fight with me and then make me feel guilty or ask for intimacy when really? I didn't even want to be intimate with him after all the crap that he would say. Later rather than sooner I opened my eyes, and realize that that relationship was not based off of love. When you love someone you don't harm them in any way, not even mentally or verbally. I knew that I didn't want that in my life. If he didn't love me the way I was then he was no one to come and try to change me. I ended up leaving for good... It was hard. Very hard. I felt so weak and so vulnerable, and I felt the urge to always call him back and tell him how sorry I was. When I had no reason to feel sorry for, but that's how he made me feel. After long months of feeling like crap I understood that I did the right thing. I am in such a good place right now, and I learnt that what we had was not love, but I know that someone better will come along. I just have to wait for that someone.

I don't really know your situation, but please, never ever ever tolerate someone harming you in any way, I am sure you are wonderful person and you don't deserve a person blaming you for his mistakes or making you feel guilty or sorry for things that are not your fault.

 

[skittledoo]

I don't usually like to give advice in these kinds of situations because I don't always know the full story.

That said, as a wife of a controlling and 'hair trigger' angry man, I can tell you it's really hard to live with someone like that when you live with them and marry them. He has to want to change and if he doesn't, I can tell you that more than likely things will get worse.

There are SO many days that I want to throw in the towel and leave. We have our good days, but even in our good days he isn't really all that affectionate and it doesn't take much at all to set him off.

Example: the other day he wanted me to help him turn a screw on the bed of his truck. It required two people. He was underneath the truck handling the screw from that end and he had me hand turning the screw from inside the bed of the truck. I'm not that strong and I could only turn the screw to a certain point. It wasn't good enough for him so I got yelled at for it. I walked away and he told me I needed to come back and help him finish it. I told him i don't want to help him if he is going to be mean to me. He got me a tool to help turn the screw so I reluctantly tried again. Since it was at a weird angle again I could only turn the screw so far and he started yelling at me again for not trying hard enough and he was angry that I wasn't strong enough to get it. I walked away again and he yelled that if I don't help him he can't take his truck to make money and it will be all my fault if we don't have money. He came up later on and apologized saying he is just stressed out.

Eventually the apologies just don't feel meaningful anymore. After a while it will more than likely wear you out and like I said, he has to want to change. You will never be able to change him yourself.

I love my husband. I think that's partly why I put up with so much. If I had it to do all over again would I still have made the decision to marry him? Probably not honestly.

You guys aren't married yet. You don't live together. I'm assuming you don't share any property at this point. I'm not telling you that you should leave him because honestly that's not my place and I'm not a shining example of taking that route, but I do urge you to sit down and completely weigh your entire situation. Is this something you are willing to deal with in a marriage? If he is being controlling now then who is to say it won't get worse when you are around him more often and actually living with him? Ask yourself what YOU really want.

He may just honestly be stressed out right now like he says, but there is absolutely no excuse whatsoever for taking your stress out on someone you love. No excuse at ALL.

If you ever want to talk, vent or whatever my door is open and I'm just a PM away.

 

[Renee750il]

There you have it, from Skittle -- someone who is living it.

Probably there are a lot of us who have lived it. It isn't easy. I know I've wasted way too much time on those kinds of relationships, on the familial and "romantic" fronts. And they are fronts too much of the time, war fronts.

It's no way to live. For either of you. You're making the change for yourself, sticking up for yourself, but it's going to take change from both of you for it to be a healthy relationship based on love, joy and respect -- and how can you love someone you can't respect.

How do you respect someone who acts like a bully and is emotionally manipulative?

Those are questions everyone has to ponder for themselves, and answer for themselves. It's not easy.

 

[Doberluv]

Many of us have lived it, myself included. Emotional bullying is an accurate description. I will NEVER let anyone treat me like that again. And what's more, personalities are pretty ingrained. I don't believe people change. Oh, they might do a little masking and attempting even, but in the long run, their fabric is what they're made of. It it weren't, they wouldn't be like that in the first place...mean, manipulative and unloving.

You have gotten some very good advice and I sure hope you don't get more hurt.

 

[Dogdragoness]

skittle>> your hub & my SO sound like they are cut from the same cloth! the thing with the screw is exactly how my SO would react, & yes i have walked away before & refused to help him & went to do something else (we were working at this other ranch where we had to do a lot of farm equipment tweaks & repairs that often required two ppl) i know NOTHING about mechanics or farm equipment & try to follow direction as well as i can (i am ADHD so sometimes its hard to function at all in society).

but every time (as i to think its something in his personality & nothing he can do about it) he goes off on one of those moods i remind him of what he's doing & leave him (discreetly if we are in public) to cool off, then rejoin him later. i know its not his 'real' personality, which is loving, caring & affectionate (heck he's more affectionate then i am LOL). its just when he's dealing with heavy personal stuff he pulls away, which is ok, but just dont take it out on me... cant know whats going on if you dont tell me LOL

 

[Danefied]

EVERYONE gets stressed, and everyone has different triggers as to what will stress them. But it is really not something anyone has to put up with that someone else’s stress affects their life so much.

Just for comparison....
Years ago we were in a DIY mode and DH decided we would put an insert in the chimney. We were on the top of the roof of the house adding an insert piece by piece. My job was to hold the thing so DH could add on the next piece (which he couldn’t do if it fell in to the depths of the chimney). Well each piece DH added made it heavier until it started slipping. I have this darned insert in a bear hug, straddling the roof of the house and I can’t hold it, its slipping. DH is freaking out because if I lose it there’s no way to reach down in there and retrieve it.
So he tries to hold it for me by grabbing it out from under me, but that means he has to slip his arms under mine - which tickles me and I yell at him to stop. Now he’s getting pissed, “how the *bleep* am I supposed to help you hold it?†I’m getting the giggles from the tickling and just plain nerves. The more I giggle the madder he gets, which makes it even funnier because he’s mad at me for being ticklish. He realizes how ridiculous the whole thing is and starts laughing too.

In the end we did get the blasted insert in. And to this day, over ten years ago, we look on that day and laugh.

The anger is not the issue, its what the anger does to YOU.
Destructive anger makes you feel small, meaningless, invalidated, and worthless.
Purposeful anger lets you know you’ve crossed a line, violated a boundary, but it doesn’t demean you as a person.
Safe anger is where you get in a safe relationship where both parties feel heard, and valued. Both of you are allowed to be angry, and you feel safe expressing your anger, without feeling like you have to use your anger as a weapon of destruction.

That is the difference.

Every single person deserves to be in a relationship where both parties feel safe expressing AND witnessing emotions. Its the stuff that healthy relationships are made of. And everyone deserves to be in a healthy relationship. Don’t settle for anything less. Life is too short.

 

[Doberluv]

EVERYONE gets stressed, and everyone has different triggers as to what will stress them. But it is really not something anyone has to put up with that someone else’s stress affects their life so much.

Just for comparison....
Years ago we were in a DIY mode and DH decided we would put an insert in the chimney. We were on the top of the roof of the house adding an insert piece by piece. My job was to hold the thing so DH could add on the next piece (which he couldn’t do if it fell in to the depths of the chimney). Well each piece DH added made it heavier until it started slipping. I have this darned insert in a bear hug, straddling the roof of the house and I can’t hold it, its slipping. DH is freaking out because if I lose it there’s no way to reach down in there and retrieve it.
So he tries to hold it for me by grabbing it out from under me, but that means he has to slip his arms under mine - which tickles me and I yell at him to stop. Now he’s getting pissed, “how the *bleep* am I supposed to help you hold it?†I’m getting the giggles from the tickling and just plain nerves. The more I giggle the madder he gets, which makes it even funnier because he’s mad at me for being ticklish. He realizes how ridiculous the whole thing is and starts laughing too.

In the end we did get the blasted insert in. And to this day, over ten years ago, we look on that day and laugh.

The anger is not the issue, its what the anger does to YOU.
Destructive anger makes you feel small, meaningless, invalidated, and worthless.
Purposeful anger lets you know you’ve crossed a line, violated a boundary, but it doesn’t demean you as a person.
Safe anger is where you get in a safe relationship where both parties feel heard, and valued. Both of you are allowed to be angry, and you feel safe expressing your anger, without feeling like you have to use your anger as a weapon of destruction.

That is the difference.

Every single person deserves to be in a relationship where both parties feel safe expressing AND witnessing emotions. Its the stuff that healthy relationships are made of. And everyone deserves to be in a healthy relationship. Don’t settle for anything less. Life is too short.

Very good explanation.

That's one heck of a story about putting in the insert. Sounds darn right dangerous. And funny.

 

[Renee750il]

but every time (as i to think its something in his personality & nothing he can do about it) he goes off on one of those moods i remind him of what he's doing & leave him (discreetly if we are in public) to cool off, then rejoin him later. i know its not his 'real' personality, which is loving, caring & affectionate (heck he's more affectionate then i am LOL). its just when he's dealing with heavy personal stuff he pulls away, which is ok, but just dont take it out on me... cant know whats going on if you dont tell me LOL

Something you are going to have to consider is that this IS part of his real personality.

Now, is it a part that he can -- or sincerely wants to -- learn to overcome and keep under control or not . . . there's the question.


I've learned that the people who have the least control over themselves seem to have the most desire to control others.

 

[Doberluv]

Something you are going to have to consider is that this IS part of his real personality.

Now, is it a part that he can -- or sincerely wants to -- learn to overcome and keep under control or not . . . there's the question.


I've learned that the people who have the least control over themselves seem to have the most desire to control others.

Absolutely true. I too think that some of these things can be learned behavior, but the personality is what's behind the tendency to act out certain behaviors. You can not change personality. But you can change some behaviors. Some personalities are very disordered and behaviors that are heavily influenced by personality are very hard to overcome. I think it's often so ingrained and intertwined (the behavior and personality) that it's extremely difficult to change.