THIS!!!
Thinking back to highschool. I didn't do drugs, nor drink other than wine at family dinners lol. But I had friends who were into drugs. Some were fine, doing a little pot etc still getting A's holding down jobs etc. Some weren't. Those that were in denial ended up just moving out when their parents had the melt down and ended up far far worse off then they had been.
So it also comes down to what you think you will be accomplishing. If you think confronting them is going to fix it, well then you are the 'one in a million parent' Because if you didn't have a good enough relationship that they could talk to you before how is humiliating and alienating them going to change that? By all means get them help! But don't drive them away, cause if they are old enough they can move out and there is nothing you can do, and often the will run away if they are that bad off.
I liked how my parents handled it. They educated me and we talked about drugs/sex openly from when I was about 13. I was told if I wanted to try something (drugs alcohol etc) That was ok as they knew if I really wanted to I would try a way to do it on my own, but that they wanted me to try it at home NOT at a party. They also taught me things that if I was going to drink at a party to get a bottle or a can and open it myself and not to leave it unattended anywhere. That if I wanted to have sex that they better have met him and that my mom would take me to get birth control (I knew about condoms and STDs)
What that did was take the 'forbidden fruit' aspect away. I knew the score. I knew they would be there for me no matter what. I didn't drink or do drugs even though my whole crowd did. I married the boyfriend I had teenage sex with (lol at 17). I saw so many of my friends with parents who handled things exactly the way so many here are promoting. Can't say it worked with a a single one. Every parent who took the 'this is my house and its my way or the high way..' every single kid given that ultimatum chose the highway. Kids with supportive parents who got them help (professional) and treated them with respect and love didn't move out and almost all of them moved on with their lives...
that's how my parents handled it and that's likely how we will handle it too.
it was never forbidden to have a drink at home. My dad bought me and my friend a six pack one year for new years since we were just going to sit in the basement and watch tv and hang out. although in this day and age I probably wouldn't do THAT with a childs friend over because it's much more serious now .
I think you assume that parents who would drug test are going to be hovering parents who don't let their kids do anything and keep them under lock and key.
that's not it at all. My parents were upfront and honest about drugs and alcohol and I was allowed to have a drink or two on special occassions, a hot summer day or on vacation. but not like I could come home from school and just pour myself a whiskey lol.
I tried pot once when I was 16 (and I'll tell hannah that if she wants to know) and I smoked when I was 16 for a VERY brief amount of time because it was "Cool" know how I got busted and why I stopped?
My friend and I were smoking downstairs whiel my mom ws sleeping. she woke up and came down to get a drink. we tried to hide it but really... how do you hide smoke in a common room. she walked into the room... looked me dead in the eye and said "I thought you didn't like smoke" and walked out. I never touched another cigarrette after that until I was an adult and smoked socially very briefly.
I GET it. I had great parents who were very open with me and whom I could trust and who trusted me. and if my mom came up and asked me to take a drug test for her peace of mind I would have done it and NOT felt betrayed because our open relationship went both ways... her concerns would be valid even if they weren't true. If she told me that it was just for her own peace of mind I would do it for her. she's done tons of things for my peace of mind... I love my mother and I would have done it just to help her sleep at night and not worry about me.
She wouldn't ahve come up to me and been like "you stupid kid you are lying to me... take this darn test or else" she would have sat me down and TALKED to me about why she wanted me to take it and I would have done it for her.
I hope Hannah and I have a relationship like THAT. Where I can ask things of her that may seem unreasonable and have her understand my craziness and love me enough to do it just as I would love her enough to entertain some of her requests that might seem crazy or unreasonable to me (as long as they aren't dangerous)
I'm also not talkikng about POT. some of the most harmful things are over the counter like gravol and cough syrup and cleaning products.
When I smoked pot again it wasn't until I was in my 20's and my responsibilities were my own and wouldn't come back on my parents. I've BEEN in troublesome situations and I've gone to my parents even with the threat of punishment.
when I was with my ex and he was abusive to me emotionally and mentally my dad didn't step in. He knew that if he did I would likely revolt since chris had manipulated me so badly. BUT had it gotten physical... My dad would have taken action NO questions asked no matter HOW I felt about it. He would NOT sit back and allow him to beat me up in my own fathers HOUSE. My dad knew I would come to my senses eventually and I almost wish he would have stepped in during the emotional stuff but I know I would have revolted because of the manipulation. he just made comments and talked to me about it when we were alone. but he made it CLEAR that if he laid a FINGER on me it was over and no matter how I felt about it he would not tolerate THAT happening under his roof.
there just comes a point wher eyou have to do the hardest thing.