Men & women, can they ever be only friends? Your thoughts

[-bogart-]

I don't know... Just as the assumption is we must be immature, jealous, can't trust our partners or don't have a good relationship?

I guess This is why I don't get it. There isn't much my spouse enjoys that I don't enjoy or vice versa. We have very similar interests.

As for the questions on what is ok and what isn't.. No one here is telling anyone else what is and isn't ok in teir relationships. What is OK for you and your relationship is up to you.

I don't know why The need to ridicule

because that is the chazhound way , it not the way of the majority then it must be wrong and up to be made fun of.
:rofl1:


but i do admit to being jealous and so is he. but of course because i have a normal emotion and realize it , then it is ok to be made fun of.

and I don't find myself or my relationship sad in any way. i find the constant judgement sad.

 

[Beanie]

I dunno, I think it's been about half and half that have said they do or don't have opposite sex friends...

I think if you're jealous and admit that you're jealous, that's a whole lot better than internalizing it LOL. I can be jealous but I get over it. Years and years ago I went to a concert with a BF and it was standing room only. We ended up getting separated in the crowd and when I saw him again he was talking to a few girls. I wasn't mad at HIM but the girls were hitting on him (which he didn't realize, derp derp, bless his heart) and that irritated me. Not because I thought he was going to reciprocate, just... that's mine, LOL. Don't hit on that, it's mine!
But of course those girls had no way of knowing he wasn't single, and while *I* won't hit on somebody unless I know they're single, not everybody is that way, so whatever. They're allowed. But it irritated me and I have no problems admitting it irritated me. I didn't go like storming in there and pee all over him to stake my claim or anything haha. It just irritated me and then I got on with life. They were nice girls actually LOL.

 

[sparks19]

It's not that if I met a guy that was nice I would be like "nope sorry can't be your friend". I just likely wouldn't do solo things just him and I. it's just not something I'm really into. No biggie.

Here is where my feelings on it come from mostly....

my last relationship was a disaster and I know this is in no way the norm. He was a horrible man who treated me like dog sh!t on his shoe only I didn't realize it at the time. I felt like I was just that unappealing and unloveable.

I spent many many nights at home alone (since he'd pretty much alienated me from all my friends... so at this point in my life now I lost most of my "old" friends when I was with "other guy" and I live 500 miles away from my hometown) while he went out with his friends. that in itself is not a problem, the problem came in when I was not allowed to hang out with him and his friends. he literally excluded me from his friend circle. He always told me that they didn't like me and didn't want to hang out with him if I was with them. I felt totally excluded from his life other than when he was home with me... I didn't just feel it, I WAS excluded from his life other than when he was at home.

Now of course this goes for any friendships whether they be same sex or opposite sex but I just know I NEVER EVER wanted to feel like that again or make my spouse feel that way EVER. the worst part was with my ex... I never felt like he was even my friend let alone partner, lover or BEST friend.

In my relationship now I not only have my partner and lover I also have my BEST friend. Really, I know people don't get it and they don't need to get it but I really just do NOT have nearly as much fun with anyone else doing anything else as I do just sitting on the couch with Brian. Maybe that's sad to some people... I think it's a glorious thing to us.

I do have friends. I just prefer to do all my social interaction during the day while Brian is at work because when he is home I want to spend that time with him. Between my co ops, my moms group and extra curricular things I do a lot of socializing.

if there was something Brian truly didn't want to do and I REALLY wanted to do it, I would go out with a friend and do it but for the most part we have very similar interests and enjoy the same things.

If that's not how you feel and your relationship is different... good for you I'm happy that your relationship works for you however that is. My relationship also works wonderfully for us and I don't feel I am missing out on anything, in fact I feel like we are so busy that come evening when hubby is home I don't have the energy or desire to do anything else except sit and enjoy his company LOL

 

[Romy]

Sparks, I always feel all warm and squishy after reading your posts. <3 lol

It's really wonderful and such a blessing that you and Brian have such an amazing relationship that spans so many depths of friendship. I'm really happy for you, especially after you had to endure such crappy treatment before.

 

[sparks19]

I dunno, I think it's been about half and half that have said they do or don't have opposite sex friends...

I think if you're jealous and admit that you're jealous, that's a whole lot better than internalizing it LOL. I can be jealous but I get over it. Years and years ago I went to a concert with a BF and it was standing room only. We ended up getting separated in the crowd and when I saw him again he was talking to a few girls. I wasn't mad at HIM but the girls were hitting on him (which he didn't realize, derp derp, bless his heart) and that irritated me. Not because I thought he was going to reciprocate, just... that's mine, LOL. Don't hit on that, it's mine!
But of course those girls had no way of knowing he wasn't single, and while *I* won't hit on somebody unless I know they're single, not everybody is that way, so whatever. They're allowed. But it irritated me and I have no problems admitting it irritated me. I didn't go like storming in there and pee all over him to stake my claim or anything haha. It just irritated me and then I got on with life. They were nice girls actually LOL.

:rofl1::rofl1::rofl1: @ the bolded part.

See that is my issue and another reason I am not really on board with hanging out with a guy (who I haven't known for years or grown up with) by myself. I am SUPER naive lol and I know I mentioned it before but really... it's bad. I am so clueless when it goes from being friendly to coming onto me. It's gotten me in some really uncomfortable situations before (when I was single) and it's really not a moment I enjoy experiencing lol

One time when Brian and I were just dating we were at a hockey game and I ended up on the big screen to play one of the intermission games. Later on this guy came up to me and was like "Hey how are you? I saw you on the big screen. You said you are from Canada? that's cool, I know someone from Canada (enter in the "do you know my friend out of the entire population of Canada LOL" conversation). when I saw you on the screen I knew I wanted to talk to you. Are you here with anyone?" I was like "hey yeah that's awesome. cool, no I don't know your friend but maybe my sister might (or some lame thing to make him not feel stupid lol). that's cool that you wanted to talk to me, we could hang out or something. Am I here with anyone? oh yeah I'm here with my boyfriend here" and the guy BOLTED. apparently he was hitting on me and I hadn't the slightest clue and when he found out I was with someone he was like PEACE lol and I was like HEY I thought we were gonna be BFF's :rofl1:

Seriously... naive

 

[BigDogBuford]

The hubs and I are best friends. He's the one whose shoulder I cry on when I'm feeling low and the person I know will ALWAYS be there for me. But guess what; he doesn't like dressing up and going to costume parties. So I have friends that like to do that, some of them are male. I don't like blowing things up so he's got friends that do and they go out and do that together, some of them are female. Just because we're best friends doesn't mean that we're joined at the hip....we do have other interests and pursue those interests with mutually interested friends. I think I'd kill my husband if we spent every day together doing everything together. I love him but after 15 years a little absence makes the heart grow fonder, ya know? (I wouldn't really kill him but it would drive me batty!)

 

[sparks19]

Sparks, I always feel all warm and squishy after reading your posts. <3 lol

It's really wonderful and such a blessing that you and Brian have such an amazing relationship that spans so many depths of friendship. I'm really happy for you, especially after you had to endure such crappy treatment before.

LOL thanks.

It is a blessing and I really dont' want to sound like I'm all "my relationship is the best" but I am just especially grateful for it after enduring 3 years with someone who could barely stand the sight of me

 

[sparks19]

The hubs and I are best friends. He's the one whose shoulder I cry on when I'm feeling low and the person I know will ALWAYS be there for me. But guess what; he doesn't like dressing up and going to costume parties. So I have friends that like to do that, some of them are male. I don't like blowing things up so he's got friends that do and they go out and do that together, some of them are female. Just because we're best friends doesn't mean that we're joined at the hip....we do have other interests and pursue those interests with mutually interested friends. I think I'd kill my husband if we spent every day together doing everything together. I love him but after 15 years a little absence makes the heart grow fonder, ya know? (I wouldn't really kill him but it would drive me batty!)

and that's great. YOu have different interests, you pursue them seperately. no one is saying there is anything wrong with that. Some people just feel differently within their own relationship.

Hubby likes target shooting... so do I I like Hockey... so does hubby.

hubby hunts... I don't LOL (who wants to get up at 4 am voluntarily lol) and he hunts while I am home sleeping lol

I enjoy hanging with the moms in the moms room at co op and swapping stories ... hubby is at work while this happens

it just happens to work out that the things we enjoy doing we either BOTH enjoy or the things we do seperately happen to take place while the other is sleeping or working.

it works out for us. he's gone 12 hours a day at work, I am running all over God's creation doing our day to day things. he comes home, we come home... I don't want to go hang out with anyone lol I want to SIT and not have to use my brain anymore and just be together since we haven't seen each other all day.

 

[BigDogBuford]

and that's great. YOu have different interests, you pursue them seperately. no one is saying there is anything wrong with that. Some people just feel differently within their own relationship.

Hubby likes target shooting... so do I I like Hockey... so does hubby.

hubby hunts... I don't LOL (who wants to get up at 4 am voluntarily lol) and he hunts while I am home sleeping lol

I enjoy hanging with the moms in the moms room at co op and swapping stories ... hubby is at work while this happens

it just happens to work out that the things we enjoy doing we either BOTH enjoy or the things we do seperately happen to take place while the other is sleeping or working.

it works out for us. he's gone 12 hours a day at work, I am running all over God's creation doing our day to day things. he comes home, we come home... I don't want to go hang out with anyone lol I want to SIT and not have to use my brain anymore and just be together since we haven't seen each other all day.

Word. I hope you didn't think I was saying one is wrong and one isn't, just tossing out a different perspective. Frankly, it's hard enough to make a relationship work these days so I think people should do whatever works for *them*.

 

[sparks19]

Word. I hope you didn't think I was saying one is wrong and one isn't, just tossing out a different perspective. Frankly, it's hard enough to make a relationship work these days so I think people should do whatever works for *them*.

Nope I get what you were saying



:hail: to the bolded part

 

[ACooper]

Kevin and I have a marriage/relationship that most people (who know us) want. He is my heart and I'm confident in saying, I am his. I really and truly don't remember a time I have been jealous, I hope he can say the same thing. If he has ever been jealous, I'm unaware 'cause he's never shown it.

All that said, we don't intentionally seek out opposite sex friends. We do have opposite sex friends, but we don't really spend time alone with them. Most likely because ALL our friends (male or female) are either married or in a serious relationship. Can't think of any who don't have a mate, so when we spend time together it's either as couples or male/male-female/female.

It's not anything that feels contrived or planned, it just works out that way *shrugs*

I agree with LOTS AND LOTS of what Cali has said, including the 'best friend' part. Kevin IS my best friend and I wouldn't want it any other way

 

[yoko]

For me I was in. Hideous relationship with a controlling monster. I couldn't even Netflix a movie because if I missed a text he would freak out.

It ended up a he went or I didn't go. Ever.

When I broke it off I promised myself to NEVER let being in a relationship affect who I am friends with or hang out with. I lost so many friends during that time it was crazy. I don't make friends super easily so losing those ones sucked.

Sparks for me your initial post came across as 'I don't hang out with anyone of the opposite sex because I respect him. You guys don't? ...well... You know'

I think you guys are a great couple but I think sometimes how you word stuff kinda comes off... I don't know condescending.

I don't think any one thinks you are immature but I think how you word things puts people on defensive a lot

 

[sparks19]

Sparks for me your initial post came across as 'I don't hang out with anyone of the opposite sex because I respect him. You guys don't? ...well... You know'

I think you guys are a great couple but I think sometimes how you word stuff kinda comes off... I don't know condescending.

I don't think any one thinks you are immature but I think how you word things puts people on defensive a lot

????

my intial post was this

This is pretty much how I feel, too.

Although I can't say that I really had any close guy friends to begin with. Sure I had guys that were friends but it definitely wasn't totally innocent. They had no qualms about letting me know they would like to add benefits to the title of friends lol so needless to say I didn't continue those friendships after I was married.

We have couples friends and it wouldn't be weird if we were all meetig somewhere and friends hubby and I got there first and chatted while we waited for our spouses to arrive but I wouldn't call him up and be like HEY want to leave your wife at home and hang out solo. Lol it just isn't something i am overly interested in persuing

So I'm not sure where you got that impression from

My second post was this

Agree with Cali again.

There is a difference between a boyfriend making the decision for you that you have to get rid of said friend and making a conscious decision yourself that pursuing male friendships isn't something you want to do in your marriage. There is nothing wrong with a couple sitting down and mutually agreeing that opposite sex friendships aren't important enough to engage in. It is up to each person and couple to decide amongst themselves what they feel is appropriate or "worth it" and what isn't

Heck you don't even have to have an actual sexual relationship for one to e fabricated by others.

I pretty clearly said that it was up to each person and couple to decide for themselves

???? so I'm sorry if those came across as saying someone doesn't respect their spouse if they hang out with guys (or girls as it were). Not intentional and I really don't see how the above posts portray that

 

[Beanie]

I do think some of the wording on both sides has been a little incendiary. To say "I don't hang out with other guys out of respect for my SO" is kind of implying that if you DO hang out with other guys you don't respect your SO. But on the flip side to say "well we both trust each other so I hang out with whoever I want" is to imply the other side of the equation doesn't trust their SO. So both sides have said things to put the other on the defensive.

 

[BigDogBuford]

I do think some of the wording on both sides has been a little incendiary. To say "I don't hang out with other guys out of respect for my SO" is kind of implying that if you DO hang out with other guys you don't respect your SO. But on the flip side to say "well we both trust each other so I hang out with whoever I want" is to imply the other side of the equation doesn't trust their SO. So both sides have said things to put the other on the defensive.

I agree.

 

[sparks19]

I do think some of the wording on both sides has been a little incendiary. To say "I don't hang out with other guys out of respect for my SO" is kind of implying that if you DO hang out with other guys you don't respect your SO. But on the flip side to say "well we both trust each other so I hang out with whoever I want" is to imply the other side of the equation doesn't trust their SO. So both sides have said things to put the other on the defensive.

I agree

but just for the record I don't think I mentioned the word respect once LOL. I may have said other things that could be taken as a "I do... you don't? well then" but I never said anything about doing it out of respect for my husband LOL ... at least I don't think I did.

 

[yoko]

????

my intial post was this



So I'm not sure where you got that impression from

My second post was this



I pretty clearly said that it was up to each person and couple to decide for themselves

???? so I'm sorry if those came across as saying someone doesn't respect their spouse if they hang out with guys (or girls as it were). Not intentional and I really don't see how the above posts portray that

Sorry I can look for it later I'm on my cell right now and you wouldn't believe how busy the interior design business is right now -.-

I know you didn't mean it to just pointing out why people went on defensive and said stuff to you.

 

[sparks19]

Sorry I can look for it later I'm on my cell right now and you wouldn't believe how busy the interior design business is right now -.-

I know you didn't mean it to just pointing out why people went on defensive and said stuff to you.

OH I believe it lol. I need one myself because I can't design the interior of my house to save my life. It's bare bones in here because I don't have a clue. I'd have plaid drapes with a checkered carpet or something

I actually don't think anyone really said anything to me directly in the thread that I can recall. it was in more general terms of one side vs the other (not to make it sound like a competition lol but you know what I mean)

 

[sillysally]

As far as respect-different people have different ways of expressing it. For example, when I go shopping and spend money (especially if it's a big number), I tell DH. Not because he makes me, but I like for us to be very communicative about money and I feel it is respectful to tell him how much of it I spend (he usually does the same with me). My mom doesn't, as a rule, tell my stepdad what she spends when she shops. Her contention is it's money from her check and it isn't his business (they do well so it's not like she's breaking them). Now, my stepdad doesn't get bent out of shape and they have a very strong marriage. What I do out of respect, she doesn't think is necessary, but everybody is still happy with the decisions they make in regards to their marriage. There are other things she does out of respect for him that I find ridiculous, but it works for their marriage.

I hope that made sense, I'm very tired...

 

[Fran101]

I don't know why but I think me describing my relationship with my boyfriend/best friend was seen as ridiculing or something so let me try to clarify lol

For those that feel they share the kind of best friend/romantic relationship with only one person and are fine with it then ..umm..congrats? Lol I'm not sure why my personal relationship with a friend and partner was seen as some kind of challenge. lol I don't think anyone that doesn't have the same dynamic as me is missing out or anything, I was just trying to answer the question.

Me having tyler doesn't mean I love Tristan less and both your best friend and romantic partner being the same person doesn't mean you love that person more. That's the beauty of it! The human heart is an ever expanding magical thing!

..didn't even notice both their names start with T until right now lol

When I said "You don't HAVE to make one person your whole world" I mean, HAVE.. not you SHOULD NOT.
If both parties are ok with a more intimate and private life with just eachother, then heck, go ahead, what ever works.
I meant in cases of spouses trying to force that kind of thing and isolate their partners, THAT I don't think is fair or healthy.

I have friends who are a huge part of my life. Girls and boys both.. I can't imagine being without them and have always been that way.
You know the phrase it takes a village to raise a child? I am LIVING PROOF. lol Which I think kind of takes a part in why I feel my more intimate "family/friend" circle is so large and why I like it that way.
but I know it's not for everyone and I don't think that's wrong at all!

If you don't want relationships with the opposite sex, then whatever lol different strokes different folks.
what I was concerned about were situations where spouses are forbidden from being alone with members of the opposite sex.. more of a control thing than a "I just don't see the need" thing.

I don't think anyone who would rather not have friends of the opposite sex are missing out or abused or jealous by nature anymore than I think that people who don't have..I dunno..netflix.. are abused or jealous or missing out lol it's something I love! but I could very well see how someone who doesn't have it or has never wanted it could live just fine without out in their life.

There is no one size fits all relationship. People should do what works as long as both parties are happy and there is no emotional or any kind of abuse on either side.