I'm stunned...I'm angry...I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown
- Thread starter Miakoda
- Start date
I would definitely 3rd... 4th? going to therapy.
I know I wasn't raped but I went through living with an insanely emotionally abusive mother for 21 years of my life. I had/have a lot of issues because of it. I also ended up having a bunch of anxiety issues. I never went to a therapist because I couldn't ever even imagine talking to someone, especially a doctor, about my personal stuff.
I won't bore you with all my issues but I will say I did end up finally getting up the courage to talk to a therapist. I went through an employee assistance program at work that is confidential. I was really panic-y about it because I was worried they'd just throw me in with some doctor who didn't really care and just wanted my company's and my money but they did great and paired me with a super compassionate, super nice guy who I have to say is amazing.
I have always had trouble making eye contact with people. Especially when I didn't know them and I've gotten to the point where I won't necessarily stare any one down but I can make enough eye contact with someone I don't look suspicious *I've actually had the cops called on me a couple times because a store clerk thought I looked suspicious because I wouldn't look at them during check out.
I have never been able to take compliments or give them before and I've been working on that and have come a LONG way. I still suck at giving them but I can thank someone for one now and keep having a normal conversation without shutting down.
I've always had trouble keeping conversations going or saying something I need to say if it isn't something good. I just suck at telling how a conversation is suppose to go. I'm not going to be having many debates with strangers *My friends are a different story!* but I can now keep a chit chat conversation going for a little while and have been able to voice concerns a lot more.
I don't want you to think I made this all about me for no reason. I was one of those people who didn't talk to anyone about my situation. It wasn't that I didn't want to I just felt like I couldn't. My mom is considered a saint with my old school, at my old church, and with a lot of my friends moms.
It was seriously one of the hardest things I've ever done, to have on my own searched out and got help from someone. There really are good therapists and it can help out a lot and has helped me out so much in just about four months. I know that so many people on here are saying see a therapist. But I just wanted to let you know I understand how hard of a step it is to even imagine opening up to someone you don't know. I think it could really help you out but it can only help you when you are ready for it. I think it's good advice but it's advice you need to take when you are ready and not just right now.
I know I wasn't raped but I went through living with an insanely emotionally abusive mother for 21 years of my life. I had/have a lot of issues because of it. I also ended up having a bunch of anxiety issues. I never went to a therapist because I couldn't ever even imagine talking to someone, especially a doctor, about my personal stuff.
I won't bore you with all my issues but I will say I did end up finally getting up the courage to talk to a therapist. I went through an employee assistance program at work that is confidential. I was really panic-y about it because I was worried they'd just throw me in with some doctor who didn't really care and just wanted my company's and my money but they did great and paired me with a super compassionate, super nice guy who I have to say is amazing.
I have always had trouble making eye contact with people. Especially when I didn't know them and I've gotten to the point where I won't necessarily stare any one down but I can make enough eye contact with someone I don't look suspicious *I've actually had the cops called on me a couple times because a store clerk thought I looked suspicious because I wouldn't look at them during check out.
I have never been able to take compliments or give them before and I've been working on that and have come a LONG way. I still suck at giving them but I can thank someone for one now and keep having a normal conversation without shutting down.
I've always had trouble keeping conversations going or saying something I need to say if it isn't something good. I just suck at telling how a conversation is suppose to go. I'm not going to be having many debates with strangers *My friends are a different story!* but I can now keep a chit chat conversation going for a little while and have been able to voice concerns a lot more.
I don't want you to think I made this all about me for no reason. I was one of those people who didn't talk to anyone about my situation. It wasn't that I didn't want to I just felt like I couldn't. My mom is considered a saint with my old school, at my old church, and with a lot of my friends moms.
It was seriously one of the hardest things I've ever done, to have on my own searched out and got help from someone. There really are good therapists and it can help out a lot and has helped me out so much in just about four months. I know that so many people on here are saying see a therapist. But I just wanted to let you know I understand how hard of a step it is to even imagine opening up to someone you don't know. I think it could really help you out but it can only help you when you are ready for it. I think it's good advice but it's advice you need to take when you are ready and not just right now.
I am sorry that you had to live through such a horrifying experience... I am even more sorry that it is haunting your life.
I echo all the others when I say find a good counselor. It will go a long way toward at least soothing your hurt to be able to speak to someone and be understood.
There is nothing you can do about him...but there are things that you can do for yourself
I echo all the others when I say find a good counselor. It will go a long way toward at least soothing your hurt to be able to speak to someone and be understood.
There is nothing you can do about him...but there are things that you can do for yourself
At the age of 9 I was sexually assualted by my 18 year old brother. No one believed me it happened, let alone he did it. The police were called the second time it happened but I was too afraid to say anything and it was passed off as i was lying about experimenting with my younger brother's friend who was over. My brother is now nearly 30 and after years of my mother telling me I'm wrong, she didn't believe me and to stop lying and ruining her life he came up to her and said he was the one who did it and wants to talk to me about it.
I have no idea how to feela bout it. I havep ut it behind me the best I can. I still wake up in a panic nearly every night when someone is in bed with me thinking I'm getting voilated. I will randomly bawl during sex, I have a very unhealethy relationship around sexual activity (seek out really mean partners)... it's a lot to deal with. I thought it was done and over with until this got dragged up again and now I realized I need to go to therapy for it.
You are not alone in this. People are horrible to sexual assault victims. If you ever want to talk to someone who can relate I am here for you. I relate entirely. My brother is in the mitliatry. He is also considered a **** war hero and yet he did that to me. He's expecting his first child two days before I am due with my second and his long term girlfriend doesn't know. It's just a big old secret that is coming back up.
*hugs* you have all my support in the world.
worst part is my mom was a rape victim all throughout her childhood. Her father was her abuser and she refuses to acknowledge any of it still even with my brother admiting to it.
I have no idea how to feela bout it. I havep ut it behind me the best I can. I still wake up in a panic nearly every night when someone is in bed with me thinking I'm getting voilated. I will randomly bawl during sex, I have a very unhealethy relationship around sexual activity (seek out really mean partners)... it's a lot to deal with. I thought it was done and over with until this got dragged up again and now I realized I need to go to therapy for it.
You are not alone in this. People are horrible to sexual assault victims. If you ever want to talk to someone who can relate I am here for you. I relate entirely. My brother is in the mitliatry. He is also considered a **** war hero and yet he did that to me. He's expecting his first child two days before I am due with my second and his long term girlfriend doesn't know. It's just a big old secret that is coming back up.
*hugs* you have all my support in the world.
worst part is my mom was a rape victim all throughout her childhood. Her father was her abuser and she refuses to acknowledge any of it still even with my brother admiting to it.
I disagree. It is the person who was victimized choice and neither choice is wrong. I have seen many stories of rape victims killing themselves while trying to prosecute the rapist. Sadly in a rape case the victim is seen as the automatically guilty party and has to prove their innocence first and foremost before the rapist is even put on trial. Not everyone can handle the emotional hell that prosecution trials envolve. And then if they lose the trial because the rapist had a better lawyer or because they were able to make the victim look awful can be like being raped all over agian. I appluad the women that have the support and strength to endure it but not all can and should never be made to feel that they made the wrong choice if they didn't. They have been victimized enough.
Therapy is something I would advicate the most, as others have stated, though honestly I have yet to be able to completely speak of my experience. My mother spent a long time blaming me for it and then telling me it never happened. So I understand it can be very hard. HUGE (((HUGS))) to the OP. I don't know how I would feel to learn my rapist was a cop or had authority and power like that.
Therapy is something I would advicate the most, as others have stated, though honestly I have yet to be able to completely speak of my experience. My mother spent a long time blaming me for it and then telling me it never happened. So I understand it can be very hard. HUGE (((HUGS))) to the OP. I don't know how I would feel to learn my rapist was a cop or had authority and power like that.
Swabby,
It's much easier to say you should have prosecuted when you are not in the persons shoes.....
I have personally feel enough guilt, without someone who was not there, adding to it, ESP someone who worked on a rape crisis line!!!
Mia needs support and unserstanding not judgement and this is the last place or thread for that opinion...
Please, please don't take this there...
It's much easier to say you should have prosecuted when you are not in the persons shoes.....
I have personally feel enough guilt, without someone who was not there, adding to it, ESP someone who worked on a rape crisis line!!!
Mia needs support and unserstanding not judgement and this is the last place or thread for that opinion...
Please, please don't take this there...
I understand that, and agree
However for me (Can't speak for Mia) the odds of successful prosecution were extremely low... The odds of that trial tearing me to prices were extremely high... I am not sure if I'd have survived it if I am 100% honest, and I mean that literally...
The depression, the darkness, the random freak out if someone startled me, the extreme anxiety and feeling I was better off... Well I could not have handled it, and I still, 25 years later have problems talking about it, not sure why I can here? Though I am what I consider recovered, it took a while and lots of support but it does get better... It only occasionally is a part of my thoughts now... Though I am still a tad defensive and likely too close to the issue to be impartial..
However for me (Can't speak for Mia) the odds of successful prosecution were extremely low... The odds of that trial tearing me to prices were extremely high... I am not sure if I'd have survived it if I am 100% honest, and I mean that literally...
The depression, the darkness, the random freak out if someone startled me, the extreme anxiety and feeling I was better off... Well I could not have handled it, and I still, 25 years later have problems talking about it, not sure why I can here? Though I am what I consider recovered, it took a while and lots of support but it does get better... It only occasionally is a part of my thoughts now... Though I am still a tad defensive and likely too close to the issue to be impartial..
K
I'm so sorry you've got all this on you, but you got a lot of people thinking about you. You are strong enough to get past it eventually...seems impossible sometimes but yes you can. A phone number (800) 656-4673 a national hotline-I don't know if you're in the US-it's for sexual assault survivors and they can lend an ear and make referrals.
Definitely there's excellent therapists and support groups out there. With the help of a counseler there are also effective meds that can help you get your life back. We're all here for ya too
Definitely there's excellent therapists and support groups out there. With the help of a counseler there are also effective meds that can help you get your life back. We're all here for ya too
That is a very easy thing to believe until you are in the victims shoes. And it is very hard for many looking on the outside in to really truly know how hard it is.
I fully agree with the others. If you are ready try therapy. Another good place to help you find some good therapists is womens shelters. They can point you in some really good directions for one on one therapy or group therapy and the like. PM any time. I can't ever say I fully understand what you went through or have been going through since. No one can but you. But I can say I understand some of the pain you are going through and how this can be a day to day struggle. (((HUGS)))
LauraLeigh - I agree 100%
I fully agree with the others. If you are ready try therapy. Another good place to help you find some good therapists is womens shelters. They can point you in some really good directions for one on one therapy or group therapy and the like. PM any time. I can't ever say I fully understand what you went through or have been going through since. No one can but you. But I can say I understand some of the pain you are going through and how this can be a day to day struggle. (((HUGS)))
LauraLeigh - I agree 100%
This is why I always say it is the victims choice and neither is wrong. To pressure or guilty them into doing something they might not be able to emotionally handle can be very damaging. But I also have a lot of respect for the ones that have the support and strength to try and prosecute the rapist. Neither choice is wrong. And no one should feel guilty(easier said then done, I KNOW) for the choice they made no matter what it is. They need support, love and acceptance above all and a safe place to unload if that is possible,
K
No no it's ok....
You brought up something a million people likely think, the above was an attempt on my part to apologize and admit I may be overly sensitive, I know you didn't mean me specifically you just hit on one of my biggest remaining issues...
I also am in awe of those with the strength to prosecute, I just was too scared, and lacked the strength to do it if I am honest..
You brought up something a million people likely think, the above was an attempt on my part to apologize and admit I may be overly sensitive, I know you didn't mean me specifically you just hit on one of my biggest remaining issues...
I also am in awe of those with the strength to prosecute, I just was too scared, and lacked the strength to do it if I am honest..