"Basic Rules for Dogs Who Have a Yard To Protect"
NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom
while playing in the front yard, always use the
newspaper that's placed in the driveway every
morning for that purpose.
VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid
of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly
and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls
down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and
growl gently to show your concern.
BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected
to bark. So bark--- a lot. Your owners will be very
happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially
late at night while they are sleeping safely in their
beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human
than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and
hearing your protective bark, bark, bark...
LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish
immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer
clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle
of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of
smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice.
If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each
hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never
enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your
part to help correct this problem.
DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always
reserved for the family dog to sleep.
THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed.
Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to
accommodate them.
DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at
dinner, especially when there are guests, so you
can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also
a good time to practice your sniffing.
HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important
to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for
a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the
bathroom on your own lawn.
COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new
couch after all your humans have gone to bed.
PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball
or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you
don't injure yourself.
CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you
never--- quite--- catch them. It spoils all the fun.
CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry.
...Eat a shoe.
NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom
while playing in the front yard, always use the
newspaper that's placed in the driveway every
morning for that purpose.
VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid
of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly
and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls
down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and
growl gently to show your concern.
BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected
to bark. So bark--- a lot. Your owners will be very
happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially
late at night while they are sleeping safely in their
beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human
than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and
hearing your protective bark, bark, bark...
LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish
immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer
clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle
of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of
smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice.
If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each
hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never
enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your
part to help correct this problem.
DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always
reserved for the family dog to sleep.
THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed.
Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to
accommodate them.
DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at
dinner, especially when there are guests, so you
can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also
a good time to practice your sniffing.
HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important
to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for
a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the
bathroom on your own lawn.
COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new
couch after all your humans have gone to bed.
PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball
or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you
don't injure yourself.
CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you
never--- quite--- catch them. It spoils all the fun.
CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry.
...Eat a shoe.
