:( bad day
- Thread starter cloudcandy
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Hm, I doubt this helps, but I have been the victim of extreme extreme jealousy in a relationship. I suppose all that could offer is another perspective, though.
Vent if you need to, girly! If nothing else, it may serve to help you feel better, and it can help to see your issues written/typed out in front of you.
I've gotten a different perspective on my problems before, just by typing it out and re-reading what I've written. Give me a chance to step back and view it a little differently, from the outside moreso, than dealing with it internally where I bring in too many emotions.
Vent if you need to, girly! If nothing else, it may serve to help you feel better, and it can help to see your issues written/typed out in front of you.
I've gotten a different perspective on my problems before, just by typing it out and re-reading what I've written. Give me a chance to step back and view it a little differently, from the outside moreso, than dealing with it internally where I bring in too many emotions.
sorry to hear.Thanks though,I just don't even know where it comes from?I've never been cheated on or anything like that.
I don't know what it is,I literally expect a BF to have no female friends,to have access to anything of his I want,to know where he is ALL the time,to know who he has been with,to have his passwords.
God I'm ashamed to admit this.
Don't be ashamed. In fact, talking things out is very beneficial.
I don't know if I was ever super jealous, but at one point in my first long-term relationship while still in my teens (a 4-yr relationship) I know I was dealing with my jealousy over his being older and all these older girls knowing that I would be out of the picture by 10:00 pm (my Dad was that kind of dad ). It did cause problems, but I worked hard to be laid back and trust him.
In fact, talking things out is very beneficial.I don't know if I was ever super jealous, but at one point in my first long-term relationship while still in my teens (a 4-yr relationship) I know I was dealing with my jealousy over his being older and all these older girls knowing that I would be out of the picture by 10:00 pm (my Dad was that kind of dad
). It did cause problems, but I worked hard to be laid back and trust him.
Thanks
Just add all those feelings on top of the fact we have both spent the evening trying to find out what junk has been blocking our washing machine,whilst getting covered in lard,dirty smelly water whilst being hungry and tired.Add that too the fact that my BF is getting to know some old friends,and his social life is increasing whilst most of mine are pretty busy with new BF's. Just all a bit...poobum
Just add all those feelings on top of the fact we have both spent the evening trying to find out what junk has been blocking our washing machine,whilst getting covered in lard,dirty smelly water whilst being hungry and tired.Add that too the fact that my BF is getting to know some old friends,and his social life is increasing whilst most of mine are pretty busy with new BF's. Just all a bit...poobum
Talk it out. Sometimes that helps you find out where it's really coming from and THEN you can work on it. That kind of jealousy makes you even more miserable than the object of it.
It's not something to be ashamed of; it's how you FEEL, even if it's not how you want to feel. Acknowledging it and knowing that you want to change it is a huge step to being able to do just that.
(((((((HUGS)))))))
It's not something to be ashamed of; it's how you FEEL, even if it's not how you want to feel. Acknowledging it and knowing that you want to change it is a huge step to being able to do just that.
(((((((HUGS)))))))
Thanks everyone.
I'm just going to have to try and try to handle this and not be a crazy emotional mess!!!
Oh I know I know,I just mean it seems more socialy acceptable for women to behave this way,not me.It's not right.
I'm just going to have to try and try to handle this and not be a crazy emotional mess!!!
Everyone else already said what I'd say.
I do want to add that females can be emotionally abusive as well..it's not just a guy thing
I do want to add that females can be emotionally abusive as well..it's not just a guy thing
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I can really relate in some ways. I was super jealous and can still be quite jealous and I *hate* that about myself. I have mentioned that I know I can be 'a bit jealous' to my boyfriend, but I have never hinted at just how much it really gets at me. I was too ashamed of those feelings to share them with him I never really acted on them either except for having semi-frequent bad moods and acting kind of sullen.
In my case (as someone above mentioned), my feelings were hurting myself more than they were actually hurting him. He had practically no idea
Part of what helped me was accepting that my jealousy was stemming from a problem with MYSELF, not him. I was so self conscious and unsure of myself that I kept imagining these ridiculous scenarios of him finding other women more attractive and feeling resentment about dating me... (Ok I didn't mean it is ridiculous to find other women more attractive - let's be realistic here, I am no model but more about the wishing he wasn't with me any longer). It doesn't always have to be a product of being cheated on, I have never been cheated on either. In fact he has been an angel of a boyfriend in most ways, so I knew it all came down to me. For a while this just made me feel even more guilt and self hatred, but I have really been making an effort to turn things around.
For starters, I began working on my own self esteem. In the last few months, I got a new hair style I love, I bought a bunch of new clothes and some nice undies lol. Basically, I have been trying to feel really confident in myself and embrace the fact that believe it or not... I CAN be sexy! I never felt as though I was before, but I have been feeling better and better about myself and it has made a huge difference. Also, I have been acting more confident. At first I felt like I was constantly pretending, but I feel as though now it is coming more naturally. I am starting to love my body and love myself more than I ever have in the past
Another thing that has really helped me is recognizing that you can't help how you feel... But you can help how you respond to those feelings. I knew that when I felt jealous or threatened, I would become really sullen and give him some snark. It was always relatively subtle, but he definitely knew something was wrong and simply could not figure it out.
When I began to get that feeling, I started to train myself to stop for a couple minutes, take a break, whatever and allow myself to come up with a plan for how I would act. For example, BF plans to go out with the guy friends to a bar... Instead of immediately reacting how I normally would, I would spend a few minutes playing with the dog and figure out exactly what I would say to him when he left and came home. I found that by doing this, I prevented a knee-jerk negative reaction and started training myself how to respond appropriately to situations that would trigger those feelings. As time goes on, I am finding it easier and easier to respond in a good way
Finally, another aspect that has really helped me is reminding myself that jealousy is one of the biggest turn-offs, and the only thing I would achieve by behaving in the way I was behaving would be chasing him off. Now I am not saying this to make you panic, but it is definitely important to keep in mind that people get sick of being too tightly controlled. If your jealousy is affecting your relationship, it will wear on the both of you and could eventually lead to a breakup. But, you have the power to prevent this!
People will make you feel awful for being jealous. Even on chaz, I remember a huge thread where people were complaining about jealous people. Do not let this get you down, because you cannot help how you feel. What you can help though, is how you react. Don't beat yourself up over the feeling, focus on being in control of your actions and proactively making decisions about how you will navigate the relationship waters in certain contexts.
I was miserable with myself for a long time because I let other people's words hurt me. Learn from my mistake
I never really acted on them either except for having semi-frequent bad moods and acting kind of sullen.In my case (as someone above mentioned), my feelings were hurting myself more than they were actually hurting him. He had practically no idea
Part of what helped me was accepting that my jealousy was stemming from a problem with MYSELF, not him. I was so self conscious and unsure of myself that I kept imagining these ridiculous scenarios of him finding other women more attractive and feeling resentment about dating me... (Ok I didn't mean it is ridiculous to find other women more attractive - let's be realistic here, I am no model
but more about the wishing he wasn't with me any longer). It doesn't always have to be a product of being cheated on, I have never been cheated on either. In fact he has been an angel of a boyfriend in most ways, so I knew it all came down to me. For a while this just made me feel even more guilt and self hatred, but I have really been making an effort to turn things around.For starters, I began working on my own self esteem. In the last few months, I got a new hair style I love, I bought a bunch of new clothes and some nice undies
lol. Basically, I have been trying to feel really confident in myself and embrace the fact that believe it or not... I CAN be sexy! I never felt as though I was before, but I have been feeling better and better about myself and it has made a huge difference. Also, I have been acting more confident. At first I felt like I was constantly pretending, but I feel as though now it is coming more naturally. I am starting to love my body and love myself more than I ever have in the past Another thing that has really helped me is recognizing that you can't help how you feel... But you can help how you respond to those feelings. I knew that when I felt jealous or threatened, I would become really sullen and give him some snark. It was always relatively subtle, but he definitely knew something was wrong and simply could not figure it out.
When I began to get that feeling, I started to train myself to stop for a couple minutes, take a break, whatever and allow myself to come up with a plan for how I would act. For example, BF plans to go out with the guy friends to a bar... Instead of immediately reacting how I normally would, I would spend a few minutes playing with the dog and figure out exactly what I would say to him when he left and came home. I found that by doing this, I prevented a knee-jerk negative reaction and started training myself how to respond appropriately to situations that would trigger those feelings. As time goes on, I am finding it easier and easier to respond in a good way
Finally, another aspect that has really helped me is reminding myself that jealousy is one of the biggest turn-offs, and the only thing I would achieve by behaving in the way I was behaving would be chasing him off. Now I am not saying this to make you panic, but it is definitely important to keep in mind that people get sick of being too tightly controlled. If your jealousy is affecting your relationship, it will wear on the both of you and could eventually lead to a breakup. But, you have the power to prevent this!
People will make you feel awful for being jealous. Even on chaz, I remember a huge thread where people were complaining about jealous people. Do not let this get you down, because you cannot help how you feel. What you can help though, is how you react. Don't beat yourself up over the feeling, focus on being in control of your actions and proactively making decisions about how you will navigate the relationship waters in certain contexts.
I was miserable with myself for a long time because I let other people's words hurt me. Learn from my mistake
I would find the root of the problem (which is NOT him 99% of the time) and work on that.
Jealousy IMO all stems from insecurity.. is it insecurity of your trust in him (which it doesn't sound like)? or insecurity in yourself? or something else?
I would take some time to work on that. Find things you enjoy, find friends you enjoy being with, hobbies you love on your own
I used to be kind of jealous.. I wanted to be with him 110% of the time and I realized of course that that wasn't healthy and the reason I felt this way was because I was insecure about myself and was jealous of the fact that he had this LIFE and all I had was him.
The minute I put my focus on school, on my hobbies, on things I loved, and found friends and a network through that.. I didn't feel jealous or needy anymore. and things got SOOOO much better.
I am no longer a jealous person and am proud of myself for over-coming that but don't feel bad about it, it takes time and its a trait that is deeply engrained and sometimes very hard to shake!
Find happiness with yourself, and when you feel yourself going towards destructive thoughts/actions, find a system of something that makes you feel better.
I use the internet, for example lol check chaz, watch puppy videos on youtube, look at old love letters (remind yourself that he does LOVE YOU and you have nothing to be jealous about), go for a walk etc..
Jealousy IMO all stems from insecurity.. is it insecurity of your trust in him (which it doesn't sound like)? or insecurity in yourself? or something else?
I would take some time to work on that. Find things you enjoy, find friends you enjoy being with, hobbies you love on your own
I used to be kind of jealous.. I wanted to be with him 110% of the time and I realized of course that that wasn't healthy and the reason I felt this way was because I was insecure about myself and was jealous of the fact that he had this LIFE and all I had was him.
The minute I put my focus on school, on my hobbies, on things I loved, and found friends and a network through that.. I didn't feel jealous or needy anymore. and things got SOOOO much better.
I am no longer a jealous person and am proud of myself for over-coming that but don't feel bad about it, it takes time and its a trait that is deeply engrained and sometimes very hard to shake!
Find happiness with yourself, and when you feel yourself going towards destructive thoughts/actions, find a system of something that makes you feel better.
I use the internet, for example lol check chaz, watch puppy videos on youtube, look at old love letters (remind yourself that he does LOVE YOU and you have nothing to be jealous about), go for a walk etc..
I can really relate in some ways. I was super jealous and can still be quite jealous and I *hate* that about myself. I have mentioned that I know I can be 'a bit jealous' to my boyfriend, but I have never hinted at just how much it really gets at me. I was too ashamed of those feelings to share them with him I never really acted on them either except for having semi-frequent bad moods and acting kind of sullen.
In my case (as someone above mentioned), my feelings were hurting myself more than they were actually hurting him. He had practically no idea
Part of what helped me was accepting that my jealousy was stemming from a problem with MYSELF, not him. I was so self conscious and unsure of myself that I kept imagining these ridiculous scenarios of him finding other women more attractive and feeling resentment about dating me... (Ok I didn't mean it is ridiculous to find other women more attractive - let's be realistic here, I am no model but more about the wishing he wasn't with me any longer). It doesn't always have to be a product of being cheated on, I have never been cheated on either. In fact he has been an angel of a boyfriend in most ways, so I knew it all came down to me. For a while this just made me feel even more guilt and self hatred, but I have really been making an effort to turn things around.
For starters, I began working on my own self esteem. In the last few months, I got a new hair style I love, I bought a bunch of new clothes and some nice undies lol. Basically, I have been trying to feel really confident in myself and embrace the fact that believe it or not... I CAN be sexy! I never felt as though I was before, but I have been feeling better and better about myself and it has made a huge difference. Also, I have been acting more confident. At first I felt like I was constantly pretending, but I feel as though now it is coming more naturally. I am starting to love my body and love myself more than I ever have in the past
Another thing that has really helped me is recognizing that you can't help how you feel... But you can help how you respond to those feelings. I knew that when I felt jealous or threatened, I would become really sullen and give him some snark. It was always relatively subtle, but he definitely knew something was wrong and simply could not figure it out.
When I began to get that feeling, I started to train myself to stop for a couple minutes, take a break, whatever and allow myself to come up with a plan for how I would act. For example, BF plans to go out with the guy friends to a bar... Instead of immediately reacting how I normally would, I would spend a few minutes playing with the dog and figure out exactly what I would say to him when he left and came home. I found that by doing this, I prevented a knee-jerk negative reaction and started training myself how to respond appropriately to situations that would trigger those feelings. As time goes on, I am finding it easier and easier to respond in a good way
Finally, another aspect that has really helped me is reminding myself that jealousy is one of the biggest turn-offs, and the only thing I would achieve by behaving in the way I was behaving would be chasing him off. Now I am not saying this to make you panic, but it is definitely important to keep in mind that people get sick of being too tightly controlled. If your jealousy is affecting your relationship, it will wear on the both of you and could eventually lead to a breakup. But, you have the power to prevent this!
People will make you feel awful for being jealous. Even on chaz, I remember a huge thread where people were complaining about jealous people. Do not let this get you down, because you cannot help how you feel. What you can help though, is how you react. Don't beat yourself up over the feeling, focus on being in control of your actions and proactively making decisions about how you will navigate the relationship waters in certain contexts.
I was miserable with myself for a long time because I let other people's words hurt me. Learn from my mistake
I never really acted on them either except for having semi-frequent bad moods and acting kind of sullen.In my case (as someone above mentioned), my feelings were hurting myself more than they were actually hurting him. He had practically no idea
Part of what helped me was accepting that my jealousy was stemming from a problem with MYSELF, not him. I was so self conscious and unsure of myself that I kept imagining these ridiculous scenarios of him finding other women more attractive and feeling resentment about dating me... (Ok I didn't mean it is ridiculous to find other women more attractive - let's be realistic here, I am no model
but more about the wishing he wasn't with me any longer). It doesn't always have to be a product of being cheated on, I have never been cheated on either. In fact he has been an angel of a boyfriend in most ways, so I knew it all came down to me. For a while this just made me feel even more guilt and self hatred, but I have really been making an effort to turn things around.For starters, I began working on my own self esteem. In the last few months, I got a new hair style I love, I bought a bunch of new clothes and some nice undies
lol. Basically, I have been trying to feel really confident in myself and embrace the fact that believe it or not... I CAN be sexy! I never felt as though I was before, but I have been feeling better and better about myself and it has made a huge difference. Also, I have been acting more confident. At first I felt like I was constantly pretending, but I feel as though now it is coming more naturally. I am starting to love my body and love myself more than I ever have in the past Another thing that has really helped me is recognizing that you can't help how you feel... But you can help how you respond to those feelings. I knew that when I felt jealous or threatened, I would become really sullen and give him some snark. It was always relatively subtle, but he definitely knew something was wrong and simply could not figure it out.
When I began to get that feeling, I started to train myself to stop for a couple minutes, take a break, whatever and allow myself to come up with a plan for how I would act. For example, BF plans to go out with the guy friends to a bar... Instead of immediately reacting how I normally would, I would spend a few minutes playing with the dog and figure out exactly what I would say to him when he left and came home. I found that by doing this, I prevented a knee-jerk negative reaction and started training myself how to respond appropriately to situations that would trigger those feelings. As time goes on, I am finding it easier and easier to respond in a good way
Finally, another aspect that has really helped me is reminding myself that jealousy is one of the biggest turn-offs, and the only thing I would achieve by behaving in the way I was behaving would be chasing him off. Now I am not saying this to make you panic, but it is definitely important to keep in mind that people get sick of being too tightly controlled. If your jealousy is affecting your relationship, it will wear on the both of you and could eventually lead to a breakup. But, you have the power to prevent this!
People will make you feel awful for being jealous. Even on chaz, I remember a huge thread where people were complaining about jealous people. Do not let this get you down, because you cannot help how you feel. What you can help though, is how you react. Don't beat yourself up over the feeling, focus on being in control of your actions and proactively making decisions about how you will navigate the relationship waters in certain contexts.
I was miserable with myself for a long time because I let other people's words hurt me. Learn from my mistake
Thats made me feel a whole lot better.I just don't know where it comes from,I'm confident in myself,I guess I do know I've put weight on since we've met but that doesn't bother me much because I was 17!I don't know why I felt this way.I think it could maybe be the fact he used to be a loner,I had maybe 3 years where the only people in his life were me and his family.I guess it's been hard accepting that he has a bigger social circle now,and I guess I dunno I feel a bit left behind? I'm an introvert...I love being alone I'm happiest and confident doing things alone and I guess he is the complete opposite.
The worse bit is about it,like you said is it hurts me more,its all in my freakin head.I hate my behavior,I can be so nasty and malicious it makes me so ashamed.If he even brings his friends up,or mentions that hes going over to theirs I for some reason have to make a snarky little comment,most of the time hes really good at just letting it go but then it builds up and bang,we have an argument.Also when I try and bite my tongue about it it just builds up inside of me and then I kinda explode into a mess of emotions :S
I'm going to try and *train* myself as you suggested!
I think thats a really important thing for me,I need to focus on me me me so much more.I used to and I kinda do but I kinda behave like the more he wants to get away the more I want it.Its kinda hard atm because all my friends are in new,exciting relationships and aren't making as much time for me as usual.I'm not one for talking about feelings so I haven't said anything but it makes things worse.
