Relationship problems... Again :(

Right now my fiancée is being difficult :/. I don't know if it was something I said but last night he calls me & asks what time I was coming tomorrow (which was today but it fell through... We were supposed to go to an interview for a joint job but the lady had something up so it's been pushed to tomorrow) I mentioned that I might have to come home because I looked at the wrong day on the calendar (friday I have to be back here because my folks have to stay at my grandmothers condo over night on Friday).

Well long story make it short, he went off saying that I wasn't trying in the relationship & 'if this was the way it was going to be' then just tell him now, I was speechless... I was like WTF??? Now he won't really talk to me & when he calls hes all distant & I don't know what to do... I tried telling him I made a mistake & looked at the calender wrong but he won't listen. I mean i feel like I'm trying the best I can.

Well he says that I never want to be intimate anymore & that I have been pushing him away & crap, & I know I have & he wants me to live there full time aT the track but I can't because I have animals that I have to take care of & I can't ask my parents to care for them too, I'm just so shocked, I'm sorry he feels that way he says that he has been for a while & I didn't know, I can't read ppl's minds.

I convinced him since I am going to interview for a job tomorrow that he's going to help me with, I'm so shocked that I don't know how to feel right now, I know I should be sad but I don't know how to feel right now I'm sure it will hit me soon :'(.

Sorry... Just needed to vent, it always sucks when a relationship goes south.

You can't take your animals with you to live with him?

No, they dont allow animals of any kind where he lives, besides thr housing there is only for thr people who have a job at thr place he works, if you aren't employed with anyone you aren't supposed to be living there & they I force that rule.

Then he shouldn't expect you to abandon your animals and live with him. He should meet you halfway and maybe get a different place with you, if y'all are able to do that.

Well I'm here with him right now & things are... Well let's say thay're awkward becAuse his mood has a hair trigger where anything I say right now makes him fly off the handle, I know he doesn't like living apart but what can I do? I don't know what else I can do, I have been supportive, he wants to take another job with more money in the same place & I told him it was cool. I never nag him or bitch at him, it seems like everything I do pisses him off.

Then... Another minute he's hugging me asking me if I still love him & crap... So many mixed signals... I don't know what to do.

This should be addressed ASAP.

Other than that not too much I can add. Not living together can be difficult but you can't expect the other person to give up their responsibilities at the drop of the hat for you. You looked at the wrong day. You are only human and I can see how that might be frustrating to him. But not enough to get that angry over.

One word keeps pushing forward in my mind . . . "control."

@Renee please explain? Like playing or trying to play on my emotions to control me?

See right now he is being lovey dovey & back to normal, I know he has a lot going on; he has this new job but thr guy he is going to be working for (as a horse rider/assistant trainer) only wants him to do his horses on salary which means that he'll have to tell his two friends... One is an older man not in the best health & the other he has Been helping out for a little pay just to get by, that he can't anymore & he always gets stressed when he has to do things like that.

But he tells me that he has a lot of probs at home but won't tell me what they are, he also says he's been feeling very volatile & aggressive lastly... Don't know why but he also will turn around & say why am I treating him this way & that he is going to use someone else take care of him, he also wants me to right up his apartment when I come.

Exactly.

I've watched too many people go through that. It's even been tried on me, and worked to an extent, for awhile. Living on edge like you describe . . . that's no way to live. The key is going to be whether or not he's open to recognizing that he's doing it and is willing to accept responsibility and work on it, whether it's a conscious behavior on his part or he's lashing out without realizing it. Either way it's not healthy, for the relationship or you or him.

It's not easy. (((((HUGS)))))

It could be stress spilling over into other parts of his life (you). Regardless of the cause, it's important to address it. Things shouldn't be that hard. You aren't married, you don't have kids, a home etc. The big stuff that really causes stress in most marriages isn't even in play yet. Better be able to deal with this stuff before moving on to the next if you want to have a healthy relationship. Doesn't mean it's always butterflies and unicorns, but two people need to work thru these things

It sounds like he's stressed out, especially if he isn't normally like this.

Since he is taking the new promotion at work (and thus in a living situation that doesn't allow for pets), what is he planning on doing once you two get married? I'm sure he knows that you won't leave the pets to live with him, but if his work requires that he live on the track how will this work out?

The biggest part of a relationship is compromise, and it sounds like this is a tough situation to come to a decision that will work for both of you.

Ok I normally don't bring things cross thread. But I felt the need to say this.

I really really want to stress how much you need to get his anger under control. And please promise me and if not me anyone here you trust that you will not move forward in this relationship until these things/issues have been addressed.

Yeah I know he's stressed out, I'm trying to be supportive but dang... Sometimes he makes it hard you know? I 'could' leave my pets with my folks but they have 2 dogs of their own & with mom's family probs (sick grandma... Squabbling siblings over personal effects, will etc) I wouldn't feel right leaving them there, I stay over here. Once or twice a week but with thr has prices being what they are & me not having a job, I can't really afford to drive a lot.

UPDATE***

well we had this big knock down drag out yesterday because i accidently locked his house keys inside (he was helping someone with their horses & i didnt know he didnt have them with him... he didnt tell me) & he got all bent out of shape about it, then tells me I'm bting irrational when i told him that i was tired of his hair trigger anger & that he needed to stop taking things out on me.

i finally called him out & said this kind of behavior was not going to fly with me anymore (he is usually the one who says this) hes very passive aggressive, he'll 'start' something like say some smart ccomment to tick someone off, then claims they fly off the handle... so basically he can sat/act how he wants but no one else can & i told him i was tired of it.

he's been having family probs & i get that & i am trying to be supportive & all but that kind of behavior ain't cool & i told him that & if it was going to 'be like that' then i couldnt do this any more. he stopped & it was like he dawned on him what he hadbeen doing (i dont think he even knew, he's not usually a bad nasty person) & he said that he was sorry. i know stress affects ppl differently but ****!

Good for you!

Now the hard part is sticking to your guns, standing up for yourself -- and the relationship. He's going to need for you to be steadfast on this if he's going to overcome it and grow past the behavior.

It's a process. Start marshaling all your reservoirs of patience

How can she get his anger under control? That isn't up to her.

I see this anger as a manipulation factor...control. Stressed out or not, anger is often used (even subconsciously or by habit) to place others where the person wants them.

I sure hope HE gets it together because it would be a shame to live like that...walking on egg shells to try to appease someone else's issues.

This.

People react to stress in different ways, but you're not their dumping ground. I'd come up with some very strict boundaries, share them with him, and enforce them.

If you don't mind doing his housework when you're over there, say so. But don't let him treat you like garbage if you don't get to it or aren't feeling up to it. You don't even live there. Be like, "Hey, I don't mind helping out with the chores while I'm here, but lately when things don't get done you end up treating me like a maid or a dog that crapped on the carpet because things aren't done to your standard."

A rational, healthy person will change how they're treating you. An abusive controlling person might get better temporarily. They might apologize. But it'll happen again and again. At this point you just need to wait and see what he does.

Anyway, setting clear boundaries of the kind of treatment you expect and enforcing them is really important. If someone is treating you bad, it's a way of holding them accountable for their behavior. And really it's the best thing for both of you individually and your relationship if there is going to be a relationship in the long run.

This^^^

I don't think he does it on purpose but ****... ! That's why I brought it to his attention... The whole going off at ppl & blaming others for his mistakes, thinking he is the only one entitled to a 'melt down' then gets mad at other ppl when they mirror his attitude, like I say you give the attitude you're given.

He's having some family probs with his sister having a kid (his family lives in Mexico, he's a citizen here but it's too expensive to fly/drive back & forth all the time) so he would get mad when i say my folks asked me to stay & care for the animals bc they has to stay in town. Saying 'he' doesn't let his folks 'run his life'.

That's when I was like... WAM (wait a minute) ... He has five other siblings... His folks are well taken care of I know that now I know that it sucks not to be Bldto be with them but MY folks are here NOW & I am an only child... They have no body else. I told him I will not be made to choose btw family & him, if he forces me to make that choice he will lose I told him that, I think that's what made him back peddle because he realized I was serious

It doesn't matter whether it's on purpose or not. You can never get inside his head and know for sure. What's important is that he does it, and how he chooses to act now that he's been made aware that he does it.