Your Opinion (Romantic Relationships)

BigDog2191

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#1
To put it simply, I'm trying to see if I can develope a romantic relationship with someone who simply holds the title of really good friend.

I've never thought it to be wise to simply go up to an attractive girl and ask them out on a date. So generally, I try to be friends with girls who I can see myself being romantically entangled with. The problem is, I tend to make a lot of friends and so very few "girlfriends". And often times when I realize that I've begun to develope feelings for said friend, it's come to the point where I can pretty much expect this response: "I don't want to become romantically involved with you because I don't want to possibly ruin the friendship we have."

Fair enough, I suppose, but it's such a commonly used mechanical response that I'm highly suspect of that response simply being a coating for the real reason. Also, I tend to believe that the biggest rewards come from the biggest risks.

And honestly, I'm always hearing girls complain about how guys don't know them and don't care to know them. If I'm a good friend at first and I've come to know just about everything about them, from the way they like their eggs to simplistic personality quirks - so that takes care of that. In this scenario where I'm a good friend who wants to start a romantic relationship, we've already gotten far past the interview stage.

I'm honestly not prepared to confront this matter to said girl but it's something that has been running through my mind because I do have feelings for the girl and we share a mutual respect for each other and we love each other on a high plateau of friendship. The reason I don't want to bring it up is because past precedent has showed those in the past who have felt as I have, have had it end badly. Plus, aside from other complications, I want to know if she has any remote romantic interest in me: I get a lot of mixed messages from her.

So: any thoughts or opinions on the subject of having a strong friendship turn into a romantic relationship? Any comments at all would be appreciated, I'd also like to know, if you all wouldn't mind sharing, how you met your boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other and how the relationship came about. Thanks a lot. :)
 

GlassOnion

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#2
Well most of my relationships were started from someone I met spontaneously. Like in a restaurant or grocery store line or somewhere like that or one time a girl that I went up to and said "hey I like your shirt, want to get dinner?" (it was on a dare, I expected her to turn me down, and it was only one date; just thought I'd throw that in there).


But yah most marriage/long term relationships seem to stem from a friendship already existing. My sister and her, now husband, both went to the same college and knew each other somewhat through mutual friends then they started hanging out with each other more and more. They knew each other for a year before they started dating and two years before they got engaged. Another year as fianced and now they're married.

My parents met the same way, somewhat. They did group dates though and my dad just kind of hung around my mom more than the other girls and eventually he asked her dad for courting rights or whatever they did back then.

Most of my friends started their relationships the same way, as friends to their girlfriend/boyfriend. Only three that I can think of didnt' start this way and one of them met their girlfriend in a strip club (I am dead serious).

So yah.

As for me the longest relationship I had also started the same way. We met through friends and eventually hit it off.

But yes the 'friend zone' is an ever prevalent risk and it makes us play this stupid tap dance game where the girl wants us to like them, but not become too close to them because once you become 'safe' it seems they lose all desire for you. Ladies refute me if you will. I'd love to know the real reasonings.


I'd say just ask her. You're wasting time by not doing so and asking her out isn't a complete friendship killer. Only if the girl wants it to be. There's a post similar to this on this board, created two days ago I believe.

But seriously you're wasting time, ask her out. The worst she can say is no.



Cliff notes: Yes the friend zone sucks but most good relationships start out as friends. A friend of mine has a stripper as a girlfriend. And he should ask the girl out.


Edit: And yes I agree that the 'I'd hate for it to ruin our friendship' thing seems more like a sugar coating for the real reason (that they won't tell you :( ).
 

Debi

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#4
if you're really close friends and you're picking up 'vibes', then try just casually mentioning a date. I say go for it, you never know she might be hanging around you hoping you will. :) it's worth the risk. honestly...even if sometimes it leads to rejection, you'll never find the one that is waiting if you don't just try. and a true friend isn't going to shun you just because you suggested it could go further. the reply is everything....a quick 'oh, that would ruin the friendship' pretty much says 'not feeling the attraction, but you're a nice guy'. a good friend states the same, but is willing to talk about it easily without hurting your feelings or making you feel awkward. and then the friendship isn't in jeopardy. good luck, Big. go for it. :) don't know if this makes sense....I need coffee. LOL
 

Fran27

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#5
IMO, the whole ' don't want to ruin the friendship' stuff is usually crap. Most of the time, it just means they have no feeling for you, period.

I'll tell you something though, in my experience friendship between the sex never works out in the end... especially if one of them has feelings for the other. Let's face it, will you stick around if she finds a boyfriend and you still have a crush on her?

So, you probably don't have anything to lose... Maybe you can just start by dropping some hints and flirting with her a little, and ask her if she wants to have dinner or see a movie, without necessarily mentioning the whole 'date' thing. Then, seeing how she reacts, you can act from there.

Keep us posted :D
 

skittledoo

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#6
I agree with Fran. Definitely try casually asking her if she would like to hang out and do dinner or a movie. It doesn't have to be an actual date. It can just be friends hanging out. This will give you a chance to judge her reactions and responses to you and better determine where her feelings reside. Take it slowly. Don't rush into anything or else you may risk that akwardness of advancing and freaking her out. Just take it slowly and pay close attention to her reactions.

I had a best friend back in highschool. He and I both really liked each other. We truly didn't date because of the risk of our friendship. Now that I look back, I realize that even if it didn't work out on a relational level, we had a strong enough friendship bond that we would have been able to retract back to just being friends given some time. It's a risk we honestly should have taken. Now I'll never know will I?

My current relationship spawned from a friendship. Brendan and I were working together when I moved from New Mexico to Virginia. I mainly just hung out with people from work because I still didn't know anyone out here. We realized after just being friends for a while that we really liked each other. So... I never took that risk with my friend back in highschool... and I didn't want to repeat that. Most of the time (not all the time) the best relationships start off as friends first. We took the risk and I have to say, it was the best thing I ever did. We've been together about 2 years now and we're going strong and totally in love.

So... you'll never know unless you stick your toe in the water and get a little wet now will ya?
 

Sunnierhawk0

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#7
Totally off topic... but someone must of watched "Just Friends" .... "friend zone" haha. I've seen that movie more times than I want to admit. Love it.
 

eddieq

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#9
My wife and I were good friends all through high-school (she actually used to have a thing for my best friend). We reconnected a few years after high school through my best friend (he was in the army and had sent her a post card from Kuwait when he first got sent there and said "eddie has my address, go see him for it). We were together as friends for a while, later "friends with privileges" and ultimately I asked her to marry me.

Each relationship is different. As was mentioned, if you feel the vibe, go for it. Don't be Mr. Creepy, though. If she says she's not interested, drop it. It was Mrs. Q that made the first move toward a more romantic relationship and we just took it from there. Been married 13 years now and have 2 great kids.

Good luck!
 

Dreeza

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#10
I def agree with Fran about the dropping hints....if you don't already hang out with her on a one on one basis, start doing it. be a little more flirty than normal. If you just straight up ask her on a date without dropping hints, it will prob freak her out, and get you the response you are dreading. She may not yet realize she has feelings for you.

But there is always the possibility that she doesn't feel the spark. Don't take it personally really, some people just don't click. THere is this guy my friends keep bugging me to make a move for, but i just don't feel the connection...we are friends, we hang out on weekends and stuff, and despite him having the most amazing body, being really cute, really nice, and smart...i just am not attracted to him "like that".

Start dropping those hints and she how she responds. Don't miss an opportunity you might later regret though.
 

HoundedByHounds

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#11
I married my best friend...it can work...but only if it happens naturally. We never meant to be either 'just friends' OR "romantically involved"....tho we ended up both, it just happened.
 

yoko

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#12
i admit the just friendsthing is usually a blow off. but i had a best friend he spend the night at my house all the time and we hung out on both our days off *he slept in my game room* he asked me out and iended up giving him the friend speech. but it wasn't because i was blowing him off. it was because we'd spent so much time together and gotten to know each other so well i couldn't see a good relationship coming from it. we were too alike
 
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#13
So: any thoughts or opinions on the subject of having a strong friendship turn into a romantic relationship? Any comments at all would be appreciated, I'd also like to know, if you all wouldn't mind sharing, how you met your boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other and how the relationship came about. Thanks a lot. :)
My wife and I were best friends through high school and ruled out any possibility of ever dating as it might have 'spoiled' the friendship - and we both clung to that line for years - in fact, we probably both believed it for the first couple of years too. It wasn't until she had moved to university and been away for a year that we decided to start dating.

And I suspect it's because of that friendship that Lorri's patient enough to put up with me. ;)
 
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#14
I don't think the "just friends" thing is a hoax all the time. It does depend on the person though. I've used it because I don't have a lot of friends and I would hate to lose one. However it isn't the sole reason you wouldn't go out with someone. I had other reason which where offesive so I just left those out.

I agree with whats been said here though.

And speaking from experience, Dreeza is right. If you don't drop hints and just ask her out you will freak her out and get the wrong answer. My friend did that and I haven't been able to be the same person I was around him. He just freaked me out to much.
 

BigDog2191

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#15
Interesting responses everyone. I appreciate your feedback.

For those of you suggesting getting my feet wet through subtle hints: it's already been done. I've hung out with her one on one numerous times, we've gone and gotten ice cream together really late at night (we worked at a movie theatre together and it was after we closed), and have talked one on one for hours at a time.

I try to hang out with a girl of interest one on one to get to know them without their social "masks" on and I like what I see with this girl and when I say I get mixed messages, it's because she treats me similarly to ALL her guy friends. So it's hard for me to determine whether she feels anything for me, all I could go on was what she was telling me and her body language because I obviously wasn't getting "special treatment".

When I consulted her best friend (I never told her my feelings, I asked her where I stood on the "friendship totem pole") she says that I'm almost as close to her as she is. And the girl I'm interested in tells me, I'm definitely a rarity in that she can hold intellectual conversations with me for a long period of time and get anything of substance as feedback.

One of the biggest problems and I kind of left this out and is... probably the biggest reason why nothing has been done is that she left to a university... so any romantic relationship established would be a long distance one. And I understand how hard it would be to maintain that but the way I see it, if I can maintain a strong friendship bond with her, I can maintain a bond of a higher level in that distance.

What I'm asking myself is whether it's fair for me to ask that of her when she's just diving into a new environment, new friends, and possibly new boyfriends... would it be selfish of me to try and tie her down? And honestly, on another level, it may be selfish of me to try and develop an extremely strong friendship into a romantic one and that's something I'm also thinking about.

Anyway... further thoughts? Suggestions? All are appreciated. :)
 
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#16
Follow your heart, DoggyDaddy . . . . . there will be some hurts ahead - there always are when love's involved - but, knowing you, you will learn and grow and take all the good lessons on with you and use them well. Leave the baggage behind you - since you're just starting out I will tell you to start learning to not even pack any baggage along the way. Travel light.

This is one of those times when being "smart" won't help you one little bit ;)
 

verderben

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#17
My bf was best friends with my now ex from when I was in 9th grade. So we ended up hanging out alot, because they were friends back then ( they hate each other now but thats another story ) So after me and the ex broke up me and my bf still talked on and off over the years, we hung out sometimes. He has always been there for me throughout the train wreck of bad relationships I have had over the years. After this last one I had we started hanging out more and more. One night we were plastered, and ummmm well use your imagineation. He asked me if I would consider being his gf and we have been together ever since. I certainly don't regret it. We knew each other very well beforehand so we knew what we were getting into. This has been by FAR the best relationship I have ever been in. We still have yet to get into an arguement, he is always nice to me, he can deal with my occassional mood swings, he is wonderful with my dogs, and we always have fun when we hang out. Nothing much is different now than from before except we are officialy together. And yes I am afraid IF we break up it will have wrecked a good friendship, BUT at the same time we both knew each other so well beforehand I dont see us breaking up anytime soon.
 

BigDog2191

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#18
Follow your heart, DoggyDaddy . . . . . there will be some hurts ahead - there always are when love's involved - but, knowing you, you will learn and grow and take all the good lessons on with you and use them well. Leave the baggage behind you - since you're just starting out I will tell you to start learning to not even pack any baggage along the way. Travel light.

This is one of those times when being "smart" won't help you one little bit ;)
That sucks because I'm just as analytical as I am emotional in any type of situation.

Thanks for your thoughts. :)
 

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