Would This Bother You?

[sillysally]

I have to just get this frustration out. Last night I was at my SIL's for New Years. They had invited a friend of the family who my husbands parents have taken in (that's a whooole different topic). This friend, who we will call T, has 7 year old and 2 year old boys. My SIL has a 6 year old girl and 2 year old boy.

The 6 yr old (my niece) is very into playing Barbies. First, she got the 7 year old boy to play Barbies with her for a while, then she talked me into it (you know you're getting old when you ring in the New Year completely sober, playing Barbies with your niece-lol).

Anywhoo, T was very bothered by her son playing Barbies. She kept mentioning it, then later when she came upstairs to talk to me while my niece and I were playing. She asked my niece why my niece didn't have any Ken dolls he could play with, made a few comments about my niece "making him into a girl," telling her that we needed to get her some Ken dolls, etc. She wasn't nasty about it but very insistant. T then informed me that both of her boys (different dads) had gay uncles and she was therefore very concerned that they would end up gay too so didn't want them playing with dolls (because apparently Barbie is the root of homosexuality? Who knew?).

In addition to that, she kept making comments to my 6 year old niece about "being a lady." My niece was wearing a very long Disney Princess nightgown and at one point she sort of fell over backwards like rambunctious kids do, and T grabbed her legs and pushed them down and said "No-that's not ladylike-ladies don't do that. What if one of the boys came in and saw that?" Later that night my niece sratched her lower leg and was holding the hem of her gown up (below her knee) to keep from getting blood on it. Again she was told to "Put your skirt down because ladies don't do that."

T also kept mentioning how her 2 year old son "just kept staring" at the Disney character Elsa's cleavage when he met her and she "just didn't know what to do about it."

It all just seemed weird. Add that to the fact that T and her kids will be staying at my husbands parents place indefinately (it's not totally her fault she's in the situation, but she has no job and does not seem to have plans to get one), and the first thing she asked me when I mentioned I had a pit bull was if she could breed her one year old female "Colby pit" to my dog (thankfully Sally is a female, and is spayed, and I'm not a total idiot) and ugh.

Am I being unreasonable?

You get a giant cookie if you read this whole post...

 

[Paviche]

Personally, I think that T is doing a bang up job at teaching her son that femininity is weak and bad. He's a CHILD. He should be able to play with whatever **** toys he wants. Playing with dolls has literally no bearing on the child's sexual orientation.

As for your niece... again, way to really drive home harmful gender roles. To a child. She's 6 years old. No 6 year old is "ladylike." She's... a child. I feel like a broken record but that's all I can think to say. Your niece shouldn't be pressured to be "ladylike" regardless of her age, but most little kids are rough and tumble.

Good god. I'm impressed that you managed to get through the evening with her. What a freaking loon.

 

[CrystalGSD]

Personally, I think that T is doing a bang up job at teaching her son that femininity is weak and bad. He's a CHILD. He should be able to play with whatever **** toys he wants. Playing with dolls has literally no bearing on the child's sexual orientation.

As for your niece... again, way to really drive home harmful gender roles. To a child. She's 6 years old. No 6 year old is "ladylike." She's... a child. I feel like a broken record but that's all I can think to say. Your niece shouldn't be pressured to be "ladylike" regardless of her age, but most little kids are rough and tumble.

Good god. I'm impressed that you managed to get through the evening with her. What a freaking loon.

This. Literally took the words out of my mouth.

 

[Fran27]

Ugh WTF? Her poor kids. You're not being unreasonable at all.

 

[Beanie]

I'm not sure it would bother me exactly, but it sounds like she is worried about some bizarre things when she clearly has bigger problems to be worried about. =P I probably wouldn't have let some of that stand without saying something, but my sarcasm and temper tends to get the better of me. "I'm sorry, you're worried about your sons being gay, but you're also worried about what might happen if he saw a girl hike up her skirt? And staring at boobs? Shouldn't you be EXCITED if your two year old is fixated on boobs? It's obviously a sign he's heterosexual. Congratulations."

 

[Dekka]

"I'm sorry, you're worried about your sons being gay, but you're also worried about what might happen if he saw a girl hike up her skirt? And staring at boobs? Shouldn't you be EXCITED if your two year old is fixated on boobs? It's obviously a sign he's heterosexual. Congratulations."

It was this contradiction that got to me too.

It would bother me as well, simply as its teaching the children in her presence that being girly is an insult unless you are a girl. And then you need to be modest so its still faintly bad to be feminine.

 

[MilliesMom]

T needs therapy before she breaks her children. Seriously. It sounds to me that she's obsessing about sex and sexuality and pushing her views onto children. Is there any kind of history of sexual abuse with T?

In the end there's nothing you can do about how she raises and what she teaches her children. It's creepy, but unless she's abusive there's little you can do or say. I would, however, mention to your concerns to your SIL as T's actions do impact your niece and your SIL might be wondering where some of the questions she's been fielding since New Year's stem from.

My daughter used to play with Barbie & Ken, and PREGNANT MIDGE! Not only that but she used to routinely tear the heads off and lose them. She's doomed, isn't she. Destined to become a bisexual pregnant axe murderer who can't remember where she left the bodies.

 

[joce]

It sends up all kinds of red flags in my head but not so much for the obvious ones everyone else is saying.

I would not leave my kids alone with her at all.

 

[*blackrose]

My brother and I played Barbies together growing up. We also played matchbox cars together.

We have a video of my brother in my pink princess dress and I in a night gown dancing together in the living room. And I told Jake he had to "dance like a lady" because he was wearing the dress.

We also have a video of him in his Sunday best slowdancing with me in what was possibly my pajamas again. LOL

We both grew up just fine. My brother isn't gay. In fact, he's marrying his fiance in October. And whilst I don't claim to be a girly-girl, I'm very much so not a lesbian.

Let kids be kids, for Gods sake.

 

[stardogs]

T needs therapy before she breaks her children. Seriously. It sounds to me that she's obsessing about sex and sexuality and pushing her views onto children. Is there any kind of history of sexual abuse with T?

My thoughts as well. I'd be worried that T had these issues due to prior abuse.

 

[Dogdragoness]

I have to just get this frustration out. Last night I was at my SIL's for New Years. They had invited a friend of the family who my husbands parents have taken in (that's a whooole different topic). This friend, who we will call T, has 7 year old and 2 year old boys. My SIL has a 6 year old girl and 2 year old boy.

The 6 yr old (my niece) is very into playing Barbies. First, she got the 7 year old boy to play Barbies with her for a while, then she talked me into it (you know you're getting old when you ring in the New Year completely sober, playing Barbies with your niece-lol).

Anywhoo, T was very bothered by her son playing Barbies. She kept mentioning it, then later when she came upstairs to talk to me while my niece and I were playing. She asked my niece why my niece didn't have any Ken dolls he could play with, made a few comments about my niece "making him into a girl," telling her that we needed to get her some Ken dolls, etc. She wasn't nasty about it but very insistant. T then informed me that both of her boys (different dads) had gay uncles and she was therefore very concerned that they would end up gay too so didn't want them playing with dolls (because apparently Barbie is the root of homosexuality? Who knew?).

In addition to that, she kept making comments to my 6 year old niece about "being a lady." My niece was wearing a very long Disney Princess nightgown and at one point she sort of fell over backwards like rambunctious kids do, and T grabbed her legs and pushed them down and said "No-that's not ladylike-ladies don't do that. What if one of the boys came in and saw that?" Later that night my niece sratched her lower leg and was holding the hem of her gown up (below her knee) to keep from getting blood on it. Again she was told to "Put your skirt down because ladies don't do that."

T also kept mentioning how her 2 year old son "just kept staring" at the Disney character Elsa's cleavage when he met her and she "just didn't know what to do about it."

It all just seemed weird. Add that to the fact that T and her kids will be staying at my husbands parents place indefinately (it's not totally her fault she's in the situation, but she has no job and does not seem to have plans to get one), and the first thing she asked me when I mentioned I had a pit bull was if she could breed her one year old female "Colby pit" to my dog (thankfully Sally is a female, and is spayed, and I'm not a total idiot) and ugh.

Am I being unreasonable?

You get a giant cookie if you read this whole post...

I have no kids ...I will never have kids ... but if I was the mother of your neice, I would want to know what she was telling my kid. And I would have a very firm talk that while she is allowed to parent her kid as she likes, this is MY house and MY kid and if she didnt like it she knew where the door is.

"Not ladylike????" Really??? we are in the 21 ****ing century ... UGH.

 

[Dogdragoness]

My brother and I played Barbies together growing up. We also played matchbox cars together.

We have a video of my brother in my pink princess dress and I in a night gown dancing together in the living room. And I told Jake he had to "dance like a lady" because he was wearing the dress.

We also have a video of him in his Sunday best slowdancing with me in what was possibly my pajamas again. LOL

We both grew up just fine. My brother isn't gay. In fact, he's marrying his fiance in October. And whilst I don't claim to be a girly-girl, I'm very much so not a lesbian.

Let kids be kids, for Gods sake.

I didnt have a singly barbie doll, only matchbox cars, and legos .... stuff like that, I was a real tomboy LOL, I am very thankful to my parents for letting me be myself, and now that I am an adult, mom tells me she also got a lot of flack for not making me wear skirts and not forcing me to play with "gender appropriate" toys ... and I am thankful to her for resisting peer pressure from other parents.

 

[BostonBullMama]

Where's my cookie?

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I think it sound like T doesn't realize that being gay isn't "caused" by anything... and that it's chemical (brain enzymes or something...???)

Also, she's over sexualizing her children's actions.. 2 year old's aren't staring at Elsa's cleavage and thinking "oh baby", maybe they think it looks odd and that's what's caught their attention. Maybe it was something sparkly on the dress, or just a necklace and not the womans cleavage at all.

It's just ridiculous... is my opinion.


Cookie?


Also, I was sexually abused for 11 years, starting at age 8. My kids have never been told to "fit in" with gender roles. My son asks me to paint his nails and used to get into my make up regularly. He has also played dolls and dress up with his younger cousin. My daughter isn't forced to follow gender roles either. She's 1, but she'll play cars with my son and tries to help with things like video games or lego's or other things deemed "boyish".

Should I keep her from playing with him in the dirt because she might be a lesbian???

 

[Grab]

Both my husband and I hate, hate, hate the terms "girl toys" and "boy toys" and do not differentiate. We happen to have a child who, through no guidance of ours, gravitates towards trains, cars and other wheeled things. But, he's also played with My Little Ponies and such (nevermind that the ponies were driven around in a train). In fact, my husband has joked about how did he manage to have a kid who likes cars, as that was not something he tended to play with as a child.

If I were the parent of the "offending" child, I would definitely have stepped in and pointed out exactly why I feel children should be able to play with what they want. I'd have also stepped in and corrected her for chastising my child.

It does sound as if she is in need of therapy, but I'd guess that won't happen if she's not even actively looking for work.

It would honestly never occur to me to presume a small child was looking at a cartoon character's cleavage...

 

[frostfell]

 

[PerformanceDog]

I also agree that T is in need of therapy as she clearly has her own issues.

I would have stepped in and corrected her for treating my daughter or niece that way. That is completely ridiculous. I am all about gender neutrality and plan to raise my kids that way and let them play or dress in whatever clothes they would like, whether it is for "boys" or "girls". If I had a son I would make sure he knew to identify and express his feelings as I find it completely ridiculous on how many males do not know how to communicate in this way. If I had a girl, I would teach her how to be independent as well. No gender roles.

I also find it interesting that she is thinking a two year old is staring at cleavage in a sexual manner. It really makes me think she has some sort of sexual assault experience or something for her to be so hypersensitive about such things that 2 and 6 year olds are doing and seeing them as being sexual in some way.

I also feel horrible for her children and the way she is raising them. I would try to educate her about the impact of what she is teaching them (boys have to be tough, girls have to be feminine/care about the way they look etc).

So no, I do not think you are being unreasonable at all. I would have been much more rude.

 

[Dogdragoness]

Where's my cookie?

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I think it sound like T doesn't realize that being gay isn't "caused" by anything... and that it's chemical (brain enzymes or something...???)

Also, she's over sexualizing her children's actions.. 2 year old's aren't staring at Elsa's cleavage and thinking "oh baby", maybe they think it looks odd and that's what's caught their attention. Maybe it was something sparkly on the dress, or just a necklace and not the womans cleavage at all.

It's just ridiculous... is my opinion.


Cookie?


Also, I was sexually abused for 11 years, starting at age 8. My kids have never been told to "fit in" with gender roles. My son asks me to paint his nails and used to get into my make up regularly. He has also played dolls and dress up with his younger cousin. My daughter isn't forced to follow gender roles either. She's 1, but she'll play cars with my son and tries to help with things like video games or lego's or other things deemed "boyish".

Should I keep her from playing with him in the dirt because she might be a lesbian???

Or maybe he was staring because that character is popular and he recognized her? who knows ... hes a kid!!!!! I seen kids stare at everything from a cool looking toy to animals ... and I doubt there is anything sexual about THAT. I would ask her, if she replaced in her mind "Elsa" with him staring at something else, say, a awesome looking RC toy or something, would she be bothered if he were looking at it the same way? If not, than she needs to get a grip.

 

[milos_mommy]

She'd get an earful if she made those comments to my child about being ladylike.

And her son might get an earful about how awesome playing with barbies is and how important it is to play with toys designed for both genders and how freakin' awesome having feminine qualities is.

Honestly? My thought would be that this person was likely sexually abused at some point, likely in childhood. That could be a hugeeeee stretch...maybe she just had misogynistic parents or was really pressured to be a "proper lady" but especially with telling a 7 year old she wouldn't want boys to see her with her nightgown askew and commenting on a 2 year old staring at Elsa's boobs (unless you know...he wanted to BREASTFEED...which I'm pretty confident he didn't based on the mother's comments) are downright creepy.

 

[sassafras]

Yea, she is messed up.

 

[sillysally]

Good to know I'm not overreacting! I actually did discuss it with my SIL, and she was concerned (she does not reinforce gender roles, has never even used the term "ladylike" with my niece) as well and is going to have a sit down with T about what comments are not OK to make around my niece and nephew. SIL did say that she has tried before to talk to T about something as basic as car seat safety and was not able to get through to her at all.

T wants to convince my inlaws to let her 1 year old unfixed female pit bull to move in too. My inlaws are not dog people, and my MIL is a weak and tiny woman who could not handle this dog if she needed to. Also, they live in town on a corner lot with no fence. They already have T, her 2 boys, her teenage daughter occasionally (girl is usually with her dad) on top of an adult son, an adult daughter and her boyfriend, a chinchilla, and the adult daughters 3 cats living there.