Notes to Your Pets

[PlottMom]

Dear Eerie: Stop being an A-hole All. The. Time.


Dear Liz: screaming inside your crate as soon as you hear my car coming up the road is NOT endearing you to the neighbors. I like our new apartment, and I believe you do as well. If you could control yourself for an extra 3 minutes and allow me time to get in the door, everyone would be much happier. PS you are a 48lb coonhound - you do not fit on my friend's laps. Just because they don't live here doesn't mean they can't see that.

Dear Daisy: While I am equally as retarded for you as you are for me, there is no reason for you to constantly try to squish 36lbs of basset hound on top of me whenever I sit or lay down.

Lastly, Autumn, thank you for being the best dog ever. From 7 weeks to 2 and a half years, there has never been a major training hiccup or annoyance from you. You truly are the superior race of dog.

(and as a PS - dear puppy that is due on the 18th... please get here safely and healthy! I just can't wait to pick you out of this litter! I've been waiting for you for at least a year and a half now! I want to do *everything* right, so while I am excited I am also terrified... please try to be good and work with me! )

 

[lisabobisa]

Dear Jasmine,
Please quit giving me the "I am so sad and abused" look just because there's no space for you on the couch right now. There are plenty of other soft places to lay!

P.S. I love your frog sit.

Dear Domino,
Just because you're sitting where your food bowl goes does not mean I'm going to mistake you for a bowl and pour food directly into your mouth. Nice try though.

Dear Pixel, (the cat)
Quit stealing treats out of the treat pouch - you fat little meatloaf.

 

[Renee750il]

Bimmer -

Please, please forget EVERYTHING grandma has been teaching you. That little stunt tonight, trying to snatch the bagel right out of my hand? Even Tallulah doesn't pull crap like that! How about just going back to being yourself, The Good Dog? Grandma is just trying to make you want to stay with her all of the time, and she can't be trusted. And I depend on you for too much to let you stay there.

Tallulah --

What can I say? You're becoming a better behaved little dog all the time, but really, there's no need to announce that you're going out to potty by screaming like a banshee when we walk out of the door. And please, just potty wherever, as long as it's outside, okay? We really need to curtail these "accidents" in the house. But you really are the cutest freaking dog ever to walk the planet. And you probably need to be, you Lilshit. You are also the world's best neck warmer.

Kharma --

The City of Morristown is never going to listen to you about those traffic lights. Yes, some of them are evil, but could you please quit rolling your eyes at them, barking and howling and generally going psycho-dog? Oh, and not every white four door sedan is the same one that cut us off that day, nor is every white tow truck the one that illegally towed you and the truck off that night. You're awfully loud in such a small space. I used to have really good hearing . . . But I guess I don't need it that much, since I can depend on yours. I trust you and depend on you more than any other living being.

To all of you --

Please, please, stop with the drama and LET ME DO YOUR NAILS!

 

[mrose_s]

Buster
When I have 3 random drunk friends rock up at 1am and I have to take 30 seconds to go and calm Harry down I don't want to turn around and see you sprawled out ont he couch between 2 fully grown guys getting your tummy scratched and cooed over. In your entire 7 years you've never even been allowed ont eh couch you attention skeeze!

Love Mags.

 

[Romy]

Dear Strider--

We are not getting Kaia as a replacement. Stop making such long faces at me when she's in the room. I saw you playing tuggies with her in the yard earlier today. Yes, that's right. I look out the window sometimes.

Also, thanks for putting up with Aurelia's screaming fit in the car today. I know your hearing is much more sensitive than mine, and that was painful.

Dear Charlie--

Stop. Pooping. On. The. Gravel. Path.

And for the love of all that is good and holy, do NOT run through it repeatedly afterward! It is very hard to want to let you in the house when your muppet paws have feces ground into them.

Dear Kaia--

Thanks for learning to potty outside so quickly. You rock! I'm glad you like destroying furry things. Keep working on that sheepskin! Just remember the chickens are off limits, and everything will be okay.

 

[JessLough]

Rosey,

I know you love going into the basement, where it is nice and warm with the cool floor for your belly, but let us face the fact, you are getting older, and cannot walk back up the stairs as easily. Please stop, it gets annoying making 3 trips in 15 minutes carrying a 50lb dog. If you must go into the basement, atleast let somebody other than me carry you up. i would appreciate it greatly. You are my everything, and I do not know what I would do without you.
- Jess

Rascal,

We let you out of your cage for play time. Not for you to run upstairs and sleep under a dresser for hours, where nobody can reach you to get you out. Also, yes, we have a dog. No, she does not appreciate you biting her butt. She does not understand that is how you play, and would be appreciative if you can stop that. You, too, are my everything and I do not know what I would do without you. That said, you drive me insane with your amounts of energy. So I am getting you a friend.
- Mum

 

[MandyPug]

Dear Izzie

If you're going to keep bothering me about going for a walk today then you have to wear your Doggles. I know you hated them when you had your eye injury but they fit you better now since your head has grown so if you could just give them another chance. I really would like to prevent you from getting stuff in your eyes due to the 60-70km/hr winds we have today.

Love Mum

 

[Izzy's Valkyrie]

Dear Izzy,

I know it's a bit new for you to be allowed up on the bed with me but the cat is not a threat to my safety. Also, the squirrels and birds outside the window are not going to come eat me either. So while it's nice to know you can be a gaurd dog, please be a little better at identifying threats in the future.

Love Mom

 

[Dreeza]

omg, some of these are just hilarious!!


Dear Oakley,

While I am so incredibly sorry I touched your tail without giving you adequate warning & a handful of treats...it is really not necessary to FREAK out. I am NOT trying to take it away...I was simply removing it from my keyboard, where you had ever so conveniently draped it. Crazy mutt.

Love,

Mom

 

[MandyPug]

Dear Chai

I bought THREE bully sticks for the simple reason that everyone gets one. You need to chew on ONE of them and not hoard them all. The other girls deserve there's just as much as you do and you can't keep taking theirs away from them. Chew on the one i give you or don't chew at all, do not bother the other girls while they're behaving and enjoying their own bully sticks.

Your Sister.

PS. Stop sitting there and moping when i shoo you away and prevent you from stealing the other girls' bullies, you brought this upon yourself.

 

[FoxyWench]

Charlie:
your a mush but gods your farts stink!
oh and running round with a toy in your mouth and barking at the same time, kinda silly.
as a side note, people are not out to get you, it is ok to say hello without haivng to dislocate your neck by stretching...

PussPuss:
You need mental help.
its not that i dont like you...its that i like my hand with its flesh still attatched.
I found you in a plant pot and bottle raised you, some kind of apreciation would be nice...
k?!

Vixie:
PLEASE stop with the licking!

Dodger:
I know your tiny but the world is not trying to get you. Please stop barking when your asked and the sass and backtalk can go while your at it. Your such a baby and loving dog, it would be so much nicer if youd show people outside the family that side of you too! belive me, youd get much more loving for it!

Rosie:
Hormonal much?!
side note: please be nice to Jasper, for some reason that dum little nekkid dog loves you...when he says "why" he realy wants to know why you wont play with him. Ive seen that look, i know you want to, just play with him for heavens sake, hes NOT trying to eat your mommies face!

Ruby:
Your a love, i wish you wouldnt hide and flitch at every little noise
i love you and if the world was out to get you, id protect you.
relax, youll live longer.
Oh and grampa does NOT apreciate you attempting to dig to china in his yard...

Jasper:
Ruby is not your personal chew toy, Rosie doesnt like you one bit and neither do vixie and dodger for that matter, please take these things into account when playing.
marking your territory in the house is NOT attractive, i understand you dont like wearing a belly band so get a clue, stop lifting your leg in the house and you wont have to wear it anymore...
birds are not evil and can fly...no you cannot fly after them, im sorry but i cant stop them from comming into the yard.
and while i love snuggling with you, the occasional use of my shoulder as a launching pad is NOT fun, id apreciate it if youd stop.
one last thing...you CANNOT dig through glass, the fish are laughing at you...

Cresties:
You are NOT cats, i would prefer not to have to explain how my DOG got stuck in the tree, please stop tormenting the squirrels by showing them that you too can make it to the upper branches!
Im sure the chipmonks would apreciate the same considerations!

Dogs:
You are NOT an alarm system, we KNOW someones at the door when the doorbell rings, we do have ears belive it or not.
Also, you are NOT starving, so please stop acting like we never feed you!

Upstairs fish:
I know its funny to torment jasper...
id ask you to stop but know you wont.
but please stop chewing on eachothers fins...

Downstairs fish:
i dont belive for one moment you only have a 3 second memory...and your fat...so please stop trying to trick everyone entering the room into thinking your NEVER fed and NEED to be fed or somethng terribly drastic will happen...
Side note: if one of you chokes on a rock, im NOT doing fishy CPR!

To any future animal entering this home:
Welcome to the Mad House!

 

[smkie]

Pepper it is not necessary to lick me 118 times in a row.

Victor if your going to sniff the cat expect to get poked.

 

[Dogs6]

Dear all the dogs

I am sorry I got hurt ice skating. Yes I was very silly. But you do not need to eat my trainers, bark and growl at anything and nothing. You will eventually get a walk just not today so please please please just lie down and go to sleep.

Your (injured) owner


Dear Scamp

Gabby is NOT here to replace you. Trust me nobody can replace you LOL . If you don't leave her alone while she is crated I will crate YOU and let her out!!!

Your (not so loving ATM) owner

 

[corgipower]

Dear all dogs,

When I get out the camera, that is not your cue to immediately stop everything you're doing and take a nap. Nor is it a cue to follow me and stay glued to my side. Macro pictures of your nose are only interesting for a moment or two. Nobody wants endless pictures of you lying down and doing nothing.

Love you,
mom

 

[smkie]

Please please please please go hibernate. Please. lay down, please let me be just for now. I know you haven't had any exercise. I know the house is full of boxes and there is no where to play. IT's freezing outside. Just please take a wee little nap for about 6 days.

 

[colliewog]

Dora - please read this note before you eat it. The cookies are in the KITCHEN!

Smidgen - please don't kill Dora when she goes into your crate. It was an honest mistake.

Spud - quit biting Malcolm there. Boy dogs don't like that and he outweighs you by 70 lbs!

Malcolm - don't leave yet. Smidgen is training the puppy for you ...

 

[theresa92841]

Enchante - Le Beau Ouiseaux Rouge does NOT like for you to put your paws on his cage. He finds you big and scary. It is NOT fun for him at all. Please stop it immediately . . . or there will be consequences.

The Triplets (Gigi, Anisette, Enchante) - Princess was a visitor in our home. Her owner was gone and she had gotten out. She was only going to be here for a couple of hours at the most and just wanted to be left alone. She did not appreciate all of you trying to play with her at the same time. All three of you are a bit overwhelming. Yes, she does like you . . . but maybe one at a time is better . . . Please work on being less excited for your doggie guests. She gave you fair warning.

EP^2 (Evil Puppies Squared - Anisette & Enchante) - Your efforts to let me sleep in the morning are much appreciated. I have noticed how you are getting over your bad habits (from when you were recovering from knee surgery and broken leg) of waking me in the middle of the night. Just wanted to give you a big "Two Paws Up". Keep up the good work.

 

[bubbatd]

Ollie ~ I'm sorry that I have been so boring these last couple of days . It''s cold out and I haven't needed to go " car-car " , your daily fix . I will have to shop soon , so hang in there !

 

[MandyPug]

Dear Izzie

Please like the new cheaper and bigger bully sticks we have, the smaller ones cost the same amount as these new bigger ones and i'd rather not go broke on something you're going to devour... Wouldn't you rather that extra money be put to something awesome oh say like, a new collar or treats or RABBIT for dinner?

Luv Mum

 

[PoodleMommy]

poor Izzie...

this place is the cheapest I have found but I dont know about shipping to Canada, you could look into it.

Westbrook Dog- Pet & Show Dog