Love

[LilahRoot]

Isn't it supposed to be unconditional? I finally got to talk to my husband for the first time in a month or more, and I was jokingly saying that I was going to eat ice cream non stop and be a cow when he got home. He gets all serious and tells me that he won't love me if I'm fat.

How rude is that? I would love him no matter what he looked like. I have even loved him after he came home from four hour sessions of PT and smelled like...well it wasn't pretty. He is starting to bald and I told him that I will love him when he just has the ring of hair. Even though that is a turn off for me, he is my HUSBAND. Right? Or am I wrong?

He says that I can control my weight and therefore he has a right to say that. With his hair he can't control it. I find it very shallow for him to tell me that he wouldn't love me if I was 'fat'.

I'd like chazzer input on this because I am extremely offended and actually hurt by this. It's almost as if he only married me because he thought that I was sexy, and if I'm not then why be with me?

 

[Renee750il]

I think you need to talk to him about this when you get a chance to do so, preferably face to face once he's home. It's not something to try to hash out over phone calls though.

Try not to stew about it, but your feelings are valid -- they're your feelings -- and both of you need to be honest about how you feel. He may be feeling that if you love him you'll want to look beautiful to him and he may be just as hurt by what you said as you are by what he said.

 

[AGonzalez]

My suggestion? Keep anything that's going to start any kind of argument or hurt feelings OUT of morale calls - it just makes life a hell of a lot easier (this is my 3rd time with a deployed spouse)
If you're like me, you don't get to talk to them enough as it is. I mean, I got a 15 min phone call uhm, August 10, and then when he called back more recently we were disconnected after less than 5 min - there is NOTHING worth fighting over when you only have 5-15 minutes to speak your piece. Wait until he comes home on R&R or is back from deployment to air this kind of thing is my suggestion. When you have time to sit down and talk it out, not being disconnected and not getting to say everything you want and having it drag out and be a problem for longer than necessary.

 

[mjb]

I agree that it wasn't good to say. But, one of my very best friends married a man (both in their 40's and 2nd marriages) when she was thin due to losing a lot of weight during the stress of a divorce. I remember when he told her she better not get fat.....she had been overweight prior to her huge weight loss.

I didn't feel good about what he said, and it really made me uneasy about her marrying him. Ten years later and 40 pounds later, they are very happily married, and he really dotes on her. I'm sure he doesn't even remember he ever said it.

So, I don't know what makes men say the things they do, but it doesn't necessarily mean as much as we read into it.

I still wouldn't like it.

 

[sparks19]

I agree with Renee

this is something you guys need to talk about face to face.

yes it's a very insensitive thing to say but you aren't going to get anywhere over the phone really. not that there is an excuse to say such things but he may have had a REALLY bad day or might have been saying it tongue in cheek thinking you would realize that. who knows. let him explain and tell him how you feel when you are face to face

I know Brian and I tease each other about getting fat (which we have already done BTW) Like I'll rub his belly and ask when he's due or he'll make a comment about my butt or something... but that's us and that's just how we are lol... we are unique to say the least. anyone who didn't know us would think "OMG those two are crazy"

but yes if he said it to me seriously I would be hurt for sure and I don't think you are being overly sensitive about it.

The only thing you can do is talk to him when he comes home. He's in a REALLY stressful situation right now so i wouldn't judge him too harshly. he may have even felt like you were saying that it's his fault if you get fat.

so try not to stew and talk to him when you can see him face to face again.

 

[LilahRoot]

My suggestion? Keep anything that's going to start any kind of argument or hurt feelings OUT of morale calls - it just makes life a hell of a lot easier (this is my 3rd time with a deployed spouse)
If you're like me, you don't get to talk to them enough as it is. I mean, I got a 15 min phone call uhm, August 10, and then when he called back more recently we were disconnected after less than 5 min - there is NOTHING worth fighting over when you only have 5-15 minutes to speak your piece. Wait until he comes home on R&R or is back from deployment to air this kind of thing is my suggestion. When you have time to sit down and talk it out, not being disconnected and not getting to say everything you want and having it drag out and be a problem for longer than necessary.

See, that is what I would do, but his R&R isn't for another 8 months. I agree though. Our conversations are short and few and far between. I was just joking and thought that he was as well, but when we got a chance to email each other he confirmed that, no he was serious as death.

 

[AGonzalez]

Well maybe emailing (if you're getting that more frequently than phone calls, I know I'm not really) and putting it out in a calm and nice manner, but even then it's easy to read into something and have it come across wrong - since there's no tone with an email.

Do I think it's rude he said that? Hell yes I do. But getting into a fight and not hearing from them for a long time (and I imagine this is something that could turn ugly fast) not only makes you worry but it's not good to dwell on it.
My ex and I used to fight really bad over the phone when he was deployed, and it was just bad all around on both of us. Caused more stress for me, and it's not an ideal time for them to be thinking about family problems, ya know.

Maybe just stating that his comment was hurtful and unappreciated, and leave it at that (via email) is the best source until you can hash it out in person. Then again, you don't want to spend R&R arguing with your spouse either - that's a happy time to be together.

 

[eddieq]

Unfortunately, we men can be quite stupid sometimes and say stupid things that make us look, well, stupid.

I agree that it's something to hash out face to face. He may not realize that it's something that truly bothers you and may be just joking with you as a way to ease the tension.

I wish you guys the best of luck. Thanks to him for his service and thanks to you for what you go through while he's away.

 

[Pops2]

i'm kind of an obtuse guy when it comes to how you girls think & even i know that was a dumbass thing to say.

 

[Grab]

I agree, something to talk about in person. But, yes, that was an assish thing to say.
It is something to discuss though at some point. Otherwise it's likely to stew, as hurtful comments tend to do.

 

[ACooper]

First, I agree with everyone who said leave it alone until you can speak face to face.......phone calls or emails is NOT the place to pull this stuff out in the open.

To address the 'unconditional' part. No. I don't think I've ever seen or heard of an unconditional romantic love, as in husband/wife, life partners, etc. One example: If he slept with your sister (or best friend, mother, cousin, whoever), would you still stay with him and love him? Even if he would do it again? Wasn't sorry? If you say no, and you would leave, that's a 'condition' There are many other examples that could easily break up a marriage, and even kill the love.........real love between partners is formed and based on many things, mutual respect, caring, sharing, and trust is right up there with them in one form or another. Those things are all types of 'conditions' you hold up and expect the other to hold up as well. JMO

Do I think what he said was shallow? Absolutely. Do I think he was wrong? That's a gray area. While it might be hurtful to you, he expressed how he felt on the subject. Would you rather he lie about it to hold down trouble or make you feel better? I wouldn't. I want the TRUTH from Kevin, even when I HATE the truth, it's better than a soothing lie. He told you how he felt, whether you agree with it or not, he was honest.

Talk to him and tell him how those words hurt and disappointed you, that you thought his love went deeper than your outward appearance. Beyond that, I don't know.

(((((HUGS)))))

 

[milos_mommy]

Without reading this whole thread:

a) this is a conversation to have in person
b) it is pretty rude and hurtful for a husband to say that, and you need to tell him how much it hurt your feelings
but honestly: c)
if you're married, YES your husband is absolutely supposed to love you no matter what and what he said isn't okay, BUT I think it's your job as the wife to keep yourself in shape and, well, if you want him to think you're sexy, you have to be try to BE sexy. Not to say plenty of overweight women aren't very sexy, but if your husband married you while you were thin, I think unless there is some kind of medical reason behind it, being careless about your weight isn't right, either.

It's probably a totally old-fashioned view. I do hope your husband wasn't serious, and I also hope you weren't serious about eating enough ice cream to get fat

 

[darkchild16]

What Ashley said (agonzalez)

LMAO really? Its my job to stay skinny because he married me skinny? I also had a kid for him and gained 30-40 pounds from it. No I havent lost it yet and I doubt I will for awhile. He was 20 pounds more before he met me and has lost those should he gain them back since thats how he looked when we got together? Lilahroot is home with multiple (iirc) kids alone and probably missing her hubby and what if Ice Cream is her comfort I know its mine when Im down or stressed.

Im glad my husband doesnt think the way you do. I have more important things going on then worrying about my weight which im sure is the same with Lilah.


Lilah ((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))

 

[HayleyMarie]

HA! If Tyler ever said that in a seriouse manner. I would have told him "well you better not go bald or start growing hair on your back or else I would dump your ass and that does for gaining weight too!"

 

[Fran101]

I think its incredibly insensitive!
I do agree its a convo better held in person but still.. OUCH!

I get what hes saying.. but WHY WOULD HE REALLY SAY THAT?! Like, I understand what he means by it. Sexual attraction and all that stuff is important. I stay in shape, keep it sexy and I damnwell expect my partner to also do so.

but WHY OH WHY would he say it?! Think it? sure. Say it? HELL NO! this is your wife who misses you and hasn't seen you in months. its time to play the, say something nice or STFU card!

I have an old fashioned view point on it. I know I do. I won't let a guy see me fat, hairy, ugly etc.. that is really important to me.
I've met girls who disagree, and I have no problem with it. but I think, for me, part of being in a relationship with someone is..well.. staying on top of my physical appearance.

I don't agree with him saying that, thats really hurtful and insensitive.
I just don't personally agree with the whole "im married! I have better things to do then look good" thing. I personally think looking good and keeping that physical attraction is a VERY important part of a marriage/relationship.
I've seen far too many marriages fall apart because there was just NO physical attraction there.
Do they love each other? sure. but they became more like really really good room mates

I love Love. I do think its very powerful, but physical attraction is kind of fickle sometimes lol

but yea, douchebag thing to say!

I'm on pain killers. Excuse any spelling errors! lol

 

[Zoom]

I would talk it out with him, he may have been trying to make a bad joke and it fell as flat as those types of jokes usually do. Maybe he's worried about your health if you gain a lot of weight from eating a lot of ice cream...who knows? It's a bizarre situation.

And no, unconditional love isn't really part of the deal. There are always conditions, though usually huge ones, such as infidelity and abuse. Now, that being said, if you (general) married someone, then you are stating you accept them for who they are, warts and all. And face it, guys are a very visual species and while some can truly overlook the physical, most of them are constantly aware of how things look, at least on a small level. It's tricky to explain.

 

[noludoru]

Isn't it supposed to be unconditional? I finally got to talk to my husband for the first time in a month or more, and I was jokingly saying that I was going to eat ice cream non stop and be a cow when he got home. He gets all serious and tells me that he won't love me if I'm fat.

I'd like chazzer input on this because I am extremely offended and actually hurt by this. It's almost as if he only married me because he thought that I was sexy, and if I'm not then why be with me?

That's exactly how I'd feel about that, too. For me, if it was something he was serious about, that's a big enough issue for me that I'd be gone. If you're committed to someone and love them enough to marry them, in my opinion you better love them no matter what they look like. From what he said it does kind of sound that way, but when he's home you should definitely talk about it more with him.

I could see someone telling you in all honesty that they wouldn't find you as attractive if you changed dramatically in appearance - but wouldn't LOVE you? That's ****ed-up, in my opinion.

 

[Beanie]

I get what hes saying.. but WHY WOULD HE REALLY SAY THAT?! Like, I understand what he means by it. Sexual attraction and all that stuff is important. I stay in shape, keep it sexy and I damnwell expect my partner to also do so.

I agree with this and the rest of Fransheska's post. Honestly if I was with a guy and he got fat (and I'm talking obese, not putting on some pudge), the sexual attraction would definitely go down if not vanish. You can call it vain if you want to but realistically, physical attraction IS a big part of relationships. There are people out there who don't find skinny girls attractive - is that being vain? I don't find buff, muscle-y guys who lift a lot of weights attractive either... is THAT vain?
But still, to flat out say that - and to almost be THREATENING it - is just rude. And to say that when you're overseas and haven't seen somebody in a while and won't see them again for a while either... I just don't know why he would say that, unless he was in a really bad mood and didn't find the joke funny so he was snapping back, or if he was just flat out looking for a fight. =/

 

[darkchild16]

That's exactly how I'd feel about that, too. For me, if it was something he was serious about, that's a big enough issue for me that I'd be gone. If you're committed to someone and love them enough to marry them, in my opinion you better love them no matter what they look like. From what he said it does kind of sound that way, but when he's home you should definitely talk about it more with him.

I could see someone telling you in all honesty that they wouldn't find you as attractive if you changed dramatically in appearance - but wouldn't LOVE you? That's ****ed-up, in my opinion.

Exactly. When you are 60 are you still going to be as sexy as you were then I think not. After a few kids will you continue to look the same. Most likely not. Instead of time at the gym I would much rather spend it with my family not working out to make sure im skinny.

 

[sparks19]

Well I guess I am lucky. Brian loves my heart, my wit, who I am. Do I look like I did when we first met? No I don't. Does he look like he did when we first met? No he doesnt. I'm fatter, he is fatter, we are both greying, etc etc. But I can tell you that we both find each other to be vey sexy. Im not bragging. Just saying that this whole thong about not loving someone because they don't look the same anymore is kind of crazy to me. You aren't going to look 25 forever.

We are still physically attracted to each other even though we are now fat, grey, and balding. But his heart won't change. My heart won't change.

I can understand wanting to be sexy forever but it's just not reality. Eventually you are both going to be old, wrinkly and will probably smell funny. If he can't love me now because I'm not the hot piece of ass I was when we met.... Well why would he love me when we are old and grey? And why would I want to be with someone who couldn't LOVE me because of it