Dear Eve,
On behalf of my idiot species, I apologize.
I'm sorry that the people we meet insist on punishing you for your good behavior. I'm sorry that they see you sitting by my side and expect you to give their four-legged terror on the other end of the leash a warm, friendly welcome.
You see, the dogs that they own seem to be either:
A.) Participating in a violent crusade against their own kind, acting under a mandate that requires them to attack others on sight.
B.) Attention-starved, socially-inept animals desperately seeking contact with their own kind.
C.) Horny boy dogs who want to get all up in your junk.
Over the past 2 years, you've quietly and patiently tried to explain to me that you simply don't enjoy the company of your own kind. You don't like it when they stick their cold noses under your tail. You don't like paws being flailed at your face. You don't like being barked at. I get it. You value your personal space and are uneasy when it's rudely invaded by a dog who most likely wants to stick his nose under your tail, bark at you and flail his paws in your face. After 2 years, your point has permeated my thick skull, and I no longer feel inclined to encourage you to "make nice" with other dogs.
The problem, Eve, is that you aren't a fighter. Because you are, for the most part, a gentle soul, most people believe that you will have no objection to their dog invading your personal space. I know it's hard for you to understand this "thought" process. I have a hard time with it too.
In light of the problems we've been having with random encounters with people, I have several requests to make of you.
1.) That fluffy, white poodle mix sporting a frilly pink dress is almost certainly going to be released from the arms of her over-accessorized owner when she sees that you are, in fact, another dog. When this dog runs at you, screaming and leaping up in an attempt to take a bite out of your face, please don't defend yourself by biting back. At best, you'll rip the little dog's dress. At worst, you'll rip the little dog's jugular. Please continue to jump into my arms when I ask you to, and let the little monster bite my ankles instead of yours.
2.) I understand you don't like the intact male Mastiff that sees you and drags his owner over in an attempt to get a good whiff of your undercarriage. I know... he's rude. It sucks. I realize that you can't escape him, because his owners have no control over him. I can't even pick you up to save you, because he's as tall as my chest. Do me a favor, though, Eve? Don't try to fight with this dog. I know you think it's worthwhile to defend yourself against him, but he weighs 200 pounds and you weigh 30. You're not going to win. I'll try to fight him off before he crushes you in an attempt to mate with you.
3.) The giant Schnauzer that wants to play with you so badly that he can't handle himself and, upon reaching you, dissolves into a fit of uncontrollable barking and inappropriate mouthing? I'm sorry, to both you and to that dog. Please be patient and keep him at bay with air-snaps and growls while I attempt to explain to his owner that when I said you don't play with other dogs, I meant it.
4.) The Pit Bull Terrier that yanks the leash from her owner's hand and attacks you before I have the chance to react? I'm sorry. I'm just... fscking sorry. I know that things like this don't do anything to help you trust your own kind. Next time I'll try to react faster.
I am proud of you, however, for keeping your head up and politely leaving other dogs alone. It is a testament to your self-control and your trust in me that I can walk you off-lead around a large group of other dogs and never once see you initiate contact or instigate a fight with another dog. I'm proud that you will defend yourself if you need to, but that you always seem to use the least amount of force necessary. You are a good dog, Eve.
With all the love in the world,
RD
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Dear Random Irresponsible Dog Owners:
Fsck you. My dog is trained. She is not going to strain at the other end of the leash in an attempt to attack your dog. Just because she doesn't acknowledge your dog's presence with an outward display of hatred doesn't mean that she wants to make nice and scamper on the beach. Ask me first, dumbass.
If you happen to have the brain capacity to ask permission before you unleash your dog on mine, don't look at me like I've grown a penis out of my forehead when I tell you that my dog won't play with yours. Don't release your dog anyway, saying "oh, she doesn't look like she's aggressive!". She's not aggressive. She's defensive. She'll bite your dog because your dog is either attacking her or violating her personal space. Don't look at her like she's a monster when she does this. I warned you, moron.
Sincerely,
RD.
---
To the person with the over-groomed, perfumed, gucci-wearing Poodle mix,
Put a leash on your **** dog or keep it in your purse. The irony of your tiny, defenseless dog attacking a larger dog will become far less humorous when the larger dog snuffs out your dog's life with one bite and a shake of its head.
-RD
----
To the person with the horny adolescent Mastiff,
If you can't control your dog, keep it in your yard. Your dog weighs more than the average human being. Not only is it obnoxious when a dog the size of a small horse sticks its nose into every human crotch he comes across, but it's dangerous to have such a large animal literally dragging you wherever he wants to go. Also, my dog doesn't like being raped, and I'm sure your dog doesn't like it when I have to practically beat on his sides to distract him from squishing my dog into the ground.
Invest in a tool to control your dog on a leash, or better yet, invest in some classes and a castration procedure.
-RD
-----
To the person with the undersocialized, exuberant Giant Schnauzer,
I like your dog. He's pretty. He's friendly. When I comment from a distance that your dog is beautiful, please don't confuse this with me giving you permission to unhook the leash and let your dog bounce all over mine. My dog doesn't like boulder-sized paws landing on her back. Since you took very little time to socialize your dog, he doesn't understand that this is improper behavior.
Allow me to repeat: My dog doesn't like your dog. Your dog seems to vaguely grasp this after the 100th time she snaps at him. Utterly confused, he drops into a perpetual play bow and begins screaming at her. You are now unable to hear me explain why my dog isn't returning your dog's advances, and both Eve and I are now deaf because of the constant barking.
Put your dog back on the leash, and ask next time. My dog can teach your dog about boundaries and respecting personal space, if you'd like, but I'd rather not initiate something like that with no warning.
-RD
----
To the person with the Pit Bull Terrier that lunges to the end of the leash, barks, snarls and makes a scene,
Use a goddamn harness. Your dog snaps the buckles on collars. Your dog yanks the leash out of your hand. Your dog is strong and tough, we get it.
My dog did nothing to instigate such violent behavior from your dog, which leads me to believe that you either have encouraged that behavior or haven't put a moment's thought into stopping it. So, a word of advice for you, moron: next time you take your untrained, uncontrollably dog-aggressive dog out in public, please secure it properly. Use two collars, two leashes and a harness if you have to. Obviously the concept of training this dog transcends your mental capacity, so please just tie it up as securely as you can.
Also? Feel free to pick a fight with me for kicking your dog. Your dog is larger and stronger than my dog, and is beating up on her unnecessarily. I'll kick your dog's ass if it means protecting my own dog.
Wanna fight with me, even though you're a big Mexican dude and I'm a smaller, weaker white female? You want to try to put your hands on me? I'll crotch punt you so hard, you'll have to get TWO pit bulls to compensate for your shortcomings.
-RD
----
Dear Chaz Forum,
Thanks for letting me rant. No matter what country you live in, you'll always come across horrible dog owners. I'm glad there's a place like this where I can vent and recieve advice for rehabilitating my dog after incidents like these.
Much love,
RD
On behalf of my idiot species, I apologize.
I'm sorry that the people we meet insist on punishing you for your good behavior. I'm sorry that they see you sitting by my side and expect you to give their four-legged terror on the other end of the leash a warm, friendly welcome.
You see, the dogs that they own seem to be either:
A.) Participating in a violent crusade against their own kind, acting under a mandate that requires them to attack others on sight.
B.) Attention-starved, socially-inept animals desperately seeking contact with their own kind.
C.) Horny boy dogs who want to get all up in your junk.
Over the past 2 years, you've quietly and patiently tried to explain to me that you simply don't enjoy the company of your own kind. You don't like it when they stick their cold noses under your tail. You don't like paws being flailed at your face. You don't like being barked at. I get it. You value your personal space and are uneasy when it's rudely invaded by a dog who most likely wants to stick his nose under your tail, bark at you and flail his paws in your face. After 2 years, your point has permeated my thick skull, and I no longer feel inclined to encourage you to "make nice" with other dogs.
The problem, Eve, is that you aren't a fighter. Because you are, for the most part, a gentle soul, most people believe that you will have no objection to their dog invading your personal space. I know it's hard for you to understand this "thought" process. I have a hard time with it too.
In light of the problems we've been having with random encounters with people, I have several requests to make of you.
1.) That fluffy, white poodle mix sporting a frilly pink dress is almost certainly going to be released from the arms of her over-accessorized owner when she sees that you are, in fact, another dog. When this dog runs at you, screaming and leaping up in an attempt to take a bite out of your face, please don't defend yourself by biting back. At best, you'll rip the little dog's dress. At worst, you'll rip the little dog's jugular. Please continue to jump into my arms when I ask you to, and let the little monster bite my ankles instead of yours.
2.) I understand you don't like the intact male Mastiff that sees you and drags his owner over in an attempt to get a good whiff of your undercarriage. I know... he's rude. It sucks. I realize that you can't escape him, because his owners have no control over him. I can't even pick you up to save you, because he's as tall as my chest. Do me a favor, though, Eve? Don't try to fight with this dog. I know you think it's worthwhile to defend yourself against him, but he weighs 200 pounds and you weigh 30. You're not going to win. I'll try to fight him off before he crushes you in an attempt to mate with you.
3.) The giant Schnauzer that wants to play with you so badly that he can't handle himself and, upon reaching you, dissolves into a fit of uncontrollable barking and inappropriate mouthing? I'm sorry, to both you and to that dog. Please be patient and keep him at bay with air-snaps and growls while I attempt to explain to his owner that when I said you don't play with other dogs, I meant it.
4.) The Pit Bull Terrier that yanks the leash from her owner's hand and attacks you before I have the chance to react? I'm sorry. I'm just... fscking sorry. I know that things like this don't do anything to help you trust your own kind. Next time I'll try to react faster.
I am proud of you, however, for keeping your head up and politely leaving other dogs alone. It is a testament to your self-control and your trust in me that I can walk you off-lead around a large group of other dogs and never once see you initiate contact or instigate a fight with another dog. I'm proud that you will defend yourself if you need to, but that you always seem to use the least amount of force necessary. You are a good dog, Eve.
With all the love in the world,
RD
----
Dear Random Irresponsible Dog Owners:
Fsck you. My dog is trained. She is not going to strain at the other end of the leash in an attempt to attack your dog. Just because she doesn't acknowledge your dog's presence with an outward display of hatred doesn't mean that she wants to make nice and scamper on the beach. Ask me first, dumbass.
If you happen to have the brain capacity to ask permission before you unleash your dog on mine, don't look at me like I've grown a penis out of my forehead when I tell you that my dog won't play with yours. Don't release your dog anyway, saying "oh, she doesn't look like she's aggressive!". She's not aggressive. She's defensive. She'll bite your dog because your dog is either attacking her or violating her personal space. Don't look at her like she's a monster when she does this. I warned you, moron.
Sincerely,
RD.
---
To the person with the over-groomed, perfumed, gucci-wearing Poodle mix,
Put a leash on your **** dog or keep it in your purse. The irony of your tiny, defenseless dog attacking a larger dog will become far less humorous when the larger dog snuffs out your dog's life with one bite and a shake of its head.
-RD
----
To the person with the horny adolescent Mastiff,
If you can't control your dog, keep it in your yard. Your dog weighs more than the average human being. Not only is it obnoxious when a dog the size of a small horse sticks its nose into every human crotch he comes across, but it's dangerous to have such a large animal literally dragging you wherever he wants to go. Also, my dog doesn't like being raped, and I'm sure your dog doesn't like it when I have to practically beat on his sides to distract him from squishing my dog into the ground.
Invest in a tool to control your dog on a leash, or better yet, invest in some classes and a castration procedure.
-RD
-----
To the person with the undersocialized, exuberant Giant Schnauzer,
I like your dog. He's pretty. He's friendly. When I comment from a distance that your dog is beautiful, please don't confuse this with me giving you permission to unhook the leash and let your dog bounce all over mine. My dog doesn't like boulder-sized paws landing on her back. Since you took very little time to socialize your dog, he doesn't understand that this is improper behavior.
Allow me to repeat: My dog doesn't like your dog. Your dog seems to vaguely grasp this after the 100th time she snaps at him. Utterly confused, he drops into a perpetual play bow and begins screaming at her. You are now unable to hear me explain why my dog isn't returning your dog's advances, and both Eve and I are now deaf because of the constant barking.
Put your dog back on the leash, and ask next time. My dog can teach your dog about boundaries and respecting personal space, if you'd like, but I'd rather not initiate something like that with no warning.
-RD
----
To the person with the Pit Bull Terrier that lunges to the end of the leash, barks, snarls and makes a scene,
Use a goddamn harness. Your dog snaps the buckles on collars. Your dog yanks the leash out of your hand. Your dog is strong and tough, we get it.
My dog did nothing to instigate such violent behavior from your dog, which leads me to believe that you either have encouraged that behavior or haven't put a moment's thought into stopping it. So, a word of advice for you, moron: next time you take your untrained, uncontrollably dog-aggressive dog out in public, please secure it properly. Use two collars, two leashes and a harness if you have to. Obviously the concept of training this dog transcends your mental capacity, so please just tie it up as securely as you can.
Also? Feel free to pick a fight with me for kicking your dog. Your dog is larger and stronger than my dog, and is beating up on her unnecessarily. I'll kick your dog's ass if it means protecting my own dog.
Wanna fight with me, even though you're a big Mexican dude and I'm a smaller, weaker white female? You want to try to put your hands on me? I'll crotch punt you so hard, you'll have to get TWO pit bulls to compensate for your shortcomings.
-RD
----
Dear Chaz Forum,
Thanks for letting me rant. No matter what country you live in, you'll always come across horrible dog owners. I'm glad there's a place like this where I can vent and recieve advice for rehabilitating my dog after incidents like these.
Much love,
RD
