Is it uncommon

[Bailey08]

I told my father for years that if anyone asked for his permission, he was to say no, because clearly the guy didn't know me at all. Though my dad is too nice and I'm sure he wouldn't say that, lol.

I do think a lot of people these days ask for a woman's parents' blessing, rather than permission, since they intend to get married in any event.

I say to each her own, but not for me.

 

[Giny]

Being that we first lived together, then had a baby, then got married, we kind of shot all traditions aside. So no, no asking of my hand.

 

[mom2dogs]

For their blessings? Yea, I actually think that's sweet. Permission? No, because if I was set and ready to marry the man a "no" from my dad isn't going to change my mind. I actually think it would be funny, if someone did ask permission, my dad would be the one to get really serious and say no (as a joke) just to see what his reaction would be.

 

[sillysally]

DH asked my stepdad, and while I thought it was cute, I would not have been bothered if he didn't ask. It never even occured to me that such a thing might be suggesting that I am somehow "property." I know that neither my parents or DH would think of me that way.

I think it's a sweet tradition-congrats!!

 

[maxfox426]

My husband asked my mom for her blessing. He didn't tell me that he talked to her about it until after he proposed to me. Honestly, I was happy that he did that.

I do think it's less common here in the U.S., maybe even old-fashioned. Either way I don't see anything right or wrong about it... it all depends on the couple, the family, and the nature of the relationship (to include customs and such).

 

[Paige]

Not at all. I have zero contact with my father and I do not belong to my mother. Im agrown woman. You can ask me.

But I would like a guy to also... propose to my son as dorky as that sounds.

 

[sparks19]

I think if Brian had asked my dad if he could ask me to marry him I think my dads response would be

"why are you asking me? hoping I'll talk you out of it?" LOL

 

[JustaLilBitaLuck]

Not at all. I have zero contact with my father and I do not belong to my mother. Im agrown woman. You can ask me.

But I would like a guy to also... propose to my son as dorky as that sounds.

That's not dorky at all. When my aunt got married, she had two children, and her husband had a child as well. He and his daughter asked her and her daughters, all together. The way they figured, they weren't only marrying each other, they were "marrying" each other's children as well. It wasn't just their lives, it was a big change in their kids lives, too.

As for the original question...I'd be fine if he asked for my mom's blessing, but I'd be offended if he asked for her permission. He's marrying ME - it's my decision, and mine alone.

 

[puppydog]

I think you are all misunderstanding. He was asking their blessing. If they had said no (which they wouldn't have) we would be married anyway.

My parent HATE my BIL but when he asked they said yes. It is a traditional formality. That's all. Its important to me that he did it, so he did.

It also made my parents feel special. I love that he did it. Oh, anf BTW, I am very independent and don't consider myself property at all. I am explaining the tradition. Paul and my father don't consider me theirs at all.
Paul is also going to pay Labola (bride price) as a joke. In the African culture you pay with livestock, so my Dad is getting a box of carved animals! LOL

 

[Kat09Tails]

In my family it's an expectation to ask parents before proposing to get permission to propose-both her parents and his, and then after the fact the daughters seek her parents blessing on the matter before giving the absolute yes. Of course it's not a requirement but it does grate my Dad the wrong way when it doesn't happen.

My Dad is one of those funny people who ask questions though like - why? can you afford this? is this really a good time to make that kind of commitment, etc..

Yeah, it's way-way- WAY old fashioned but we're a pretty tight family who see each other on a biweekly basis to monthly basis. It's best to have full family support for this kind of stuff.

 

[Dizzy]

I wouldn't want to marry anyone my family didnt like, we're close and partners have to become comfortable with becoming part of the family. But I wouldn't expect them to ask permission.... they'd probably get laughed out the house.

I'm not traditional, marriage isn't something I covet, but I'd like to marry the person I spend my life with.

 

[milos_mommy]

if my family was super-tight, I might like this tradition (for us), but we're not. The one time I did get engaged, I didn't even tell my family.

 

[-bogart-]

I think you are all misunderstanding. He was asking their blessing. If they had said no (which they wouldn't have) we would be married anyway.

My parent HATE my BIL but when he asked they said yes. It is a traditional formality. That's all. Its important to me that he did it, so he did.

It also made my parents feel special. I love that he did it. Oh, anf BTW, I am very independent and don't consider myself property at all. I am explaining the tradition. Paul and my father don't consider me theirs at all.
Paul is also going to pay Labola (bride price) as a joke. In the African culture you pay with livestock, so my Dad is getting a box of carved animals! LOL

That is so cool , I actually got a little teary , you and him are honoring your culture in a fun modern way.

 

[vanillasugar]

Matt didn't ask my parents, I think it would have weirded me out if he had! I'm not property and I haven't been my parents responsibility for years. We'd lived together for 7 years before we got married. Besides, my parents have no control over what I do with my life and have no place in these decisions. I do respect my parents, and wish for their blessings in what I choose to do with my life, but they have no say in controlling it.

 

[Baxter'smybaby]

This is a spin off from my engagement thread. Barb got me thinking. Is it uncommon now days for a man to ask a womans parents for her hand?

I would turn a man down if he had not asked my parents. I would tell him to ask them first, then come back and ask me.

Paul and I have lived together for 2 years and he still made an appointment and asked my parents. I feel that it is the respectful thing to do.

Thoughts?

I can't speak to NOW--but I can tell you 25 years ago when I was married, my husband did NOT ask my Dad (although all 3 of my BIL's DID ask my dad--lol). I think it speaks to the individuals involved. I am quite an independent soul--and my husband and dad both recognized that (thank goodness).
When I was talking with my sisters--they all mentioned how my dad had a "talk" with their future spouses before the wedding--telling them they better take care of his daughter. He did not do this with my husband--which I've always wondered why. I asked my dad recently (we were at my nieces wedding-so the topic came up)---anyway, my Dad looked at me and answered---"You, I KNEW you could take care of yourself!" :lol-sign:

 

[Samantha's pet]

I think it's great if that's what is expected in your family and your relationship. I do, however, think it is uncommon now. The formal process of engagement and marriage is being changed a lot to fit everyone's needs and preferences and people are no longer following a lot of the original traditions.

I, personally, would feel offended. I am not my father's property that my husband needed 'permission' to claim. I make my own choices and even just on a symbolic level the permission thing bothers me. Now, if he were considering proposing and just had a private talk with my family to test the waters with them about the idea I would be okay with it but he'd BETTER talk to both of my parents. My mother is just as big a part of my life. But a formal request of my hand in marriage would bother me period.

 

[Fran101]

Nowadays, I hear of people asking parents for " their blessing" rather than permission and I think its a cute tradition either way. People tend to take it too seriously, IT'S SYMBOLIC and a cute gesture...it doesn't mean your husband thinks of you as property or whatever, it's just tradition.

I wouldn't mind either way but i'd rather him not ask or tell my parents, It's just not my cup of tea lol you are marrying me, ask me! Plus I want to be the one to tell my parents


I had a debutante ball and that kind of thing... so in my "cultural circle" I guess lol it's is VERY common for guys to ask the parents for their daughters hand in marriage first.

 

[puppydog]

The gesture was totally symbolic, that's what makes it so romantic. He didn't have to, but he did.

 

[Jules]

My husband didn't before he asked me.... But that had a whole lot of reasons. He did, however, buy a bottle of my dad's favorite whiskey (and he has expensive taste when it comes to that), sat down and talked with him after he proposed to ask for his blessing. No, they didn't get drunk, just sipped on it.

I didn't put a strong value on it, my family and him got along very well before, and THAT was important to me. I think it is cute, but I would neither expect it and not marry someone if he didn't do so, nor would I have been offended if he would have.

 

[sillysally]

People tend to take it too seriously, IT'S SYMBOLIC and a cute gesture...it doesn't mean your husband thinks of you as property or whatever, it's just tradition.

This. Marriage and engagement are steeped in all kinds of tradition that today is just mostly symbolic and honoring the tradition. Both my mom and my stepdad walked me down the aisle to "give me away," but I know they don't think I was their property to hand over. The vast majority of brides wear white but I'd be willing to bet most of them aren't virgins....