HELP! Life altering stuff here!

Ashlea

New Member
Joined
Apr 11, 2006
Messages
962
Likes
0
Points
0
Age
40
Location
South Africa
#1
Do you think it is possible for someone who was once abusive (mainly emotionally but a few times physically) to change. I know for a fact that my ex is sick. He has manic depression with agressive paranoid outbursts.
I left him because he went off his meds and refused to go back on, saying that I was trying to drug him (the paranioa).

Once I left he went through a life changing 2 months and went back onto medication and is in councelling.
A good mutual friend of ours had some bad news last night, her mother has been given a few weeks to live, and I saw him there.

We talked for hours after we left her house and I saw the man that I fell in love with again. He is that same sweet, loving and gentle man that I knew in the beggining.
So anyway, he asked me to marry him, crying and saying how he knows how he hurt me and that he wants me to forgive him (which I do by the way, did so long ago). I have told him I need at least 6 months to think about it.

At the same time I have strong feelings for the person I am seeing at the moment. The problem is that he is saying he can't be in a relationship with me right now and can't commit, but spends every weekend at my house and treats me like a goddess!

I am so torn, if I go back to my ex I would insist that we have councelling together and not live together until we are married, but at the same time I am wanting to have a future with the guy I am seeing now. Although he has made it clear he can't make any promises. I think he is saying that because then he will have a guilt free "out" when he has had enough of me!

Some advice PLEASE chazzers, this is a life altering decision on my plate here! And please don't say Lilly should decide for me, she loves them both!
 

Melissa_W

New Member
Joined
Jul 26, 2005
Messages
4,290
Likes
0
Points
0
#2
This is just from my personal experience, so take it how you will.

I would not go back to the ex. I made the mistake of getting back with a psycho ex once, so I understand what you're thinking. But trust me, they can put on a show long enough to get you back under their thumb. They will claim that they've "changed", and things are wonderful at first... Then things will go back to normal. If you've got something going with a good guy, don't blow it. 90% of guys are scum. If you've found a good one, hang on to him. You've already been down the road with the other one, and saw how it turned out. It's likely to turn out that way again. Give the other guy a chance.

Just my opinion! Whatever decision you make, I hope it turns out for the best. I do understand where you are coming from, I was in a very similar situation years ago.
 
Joined
Jan 13, 2006
Messages
7,204
Likes
0
Points
36
Age
40
Location
Indiana
#4
I am all for second chances....BUT...I don't think people can change...someone who is caple to hit you once or abuse you mentally will always be capable of doing so. I think you can compare it to an AA. They may not stay drunks all their life but it's going to be in their head, it's a constant struggle. I'm not saying he will never be able to oppress this behavior, with counseling and meds he can deal with it.

I don't know about jumping into marriage. The fact that you need to wait 6 months to see how it is is just not right to me. You should be overly happy and just think "Yes" when someone asks you to spend the rest of your life with him. Going into a marriage with that many "but" and "if" is not good.

You found someone else you are happy with...if your and yours ex ways would not have crossed again, these doubts and questions wouldn't be in your head.
 

LorriF

Puppy Whipped!!!
Joined
Aug 18, 2005
Messages
453
Likes
0
Points
0
Location
SW Ontario
#5
He went off his meds once, he may very well do it again. I would say a definite "no" to going back with your ex. You could very well be opening yourself up to a lifetime of abuse and emotional upset.
 
Joined
Dec 20, 2003
Messages
94,266
Likes
3
Points
36
Location
Where the selas blooms
#6
In all fairness, it would probably be very difficult for him to maintain his change after returning to his former life with you. The change has obviously been good for both of you, so what would be gained by either one of you from going back?
 

Fran27

Active Member
Joined
Mar 15, 2005
Messages
10,642
Likes
0
Points
36
Age
44
Location
New Jersey
#7
I would say no to both... Can't stand guys that 'can't commit to a relationship' and are still always at your place.
 

Aussie Red

Rebel With Cause
Joined
Jun 8, 2006
Messages
1,194
Likes
0
Points
0
Location
HER OWN PLANET
#8
statistics.......statistics.......statistics! How many women go back only to end up dead ?
For some reason women think they can fix things but some things are just not fixable.
My daughter ended up stabbed and run over left for dead.By the grace of God she lived and is very happy and healthy today. He asked for second chance too. Wanted her forgiveness and that was the end result. He got to serve one week in jail due to plea bargin and attend domestic violence class. What a joke. His next wife left him for the same thing after he was so called cured. His Third wife is dead! I hope that you will listen when I tell you they don't change and wont. Your statement that "He said I was trying to drug him " tells the story. In his eyes you are the one who makes him behave badly. It's your fault he does what he does. Can't you see you are his excuse to do this ?( In his Mind Only) . Be very careful now that you have let him know where you are because he can go off meds and come after you . I'm serious this goes on everyday. Thousands of women are abused by the one who "LOVES" them daily. More then 3 will die today because they loved the wrong one. Call a domestic violence hotline and get the facts ! Ask them what they think about what you should do. I just hope that I have reached you.
 

Serena

New Member
Joined
Feb 23, 2004
Messages
144
Likes
0
Points
0
#9
You say your EX was mainly emotionally abusive to you, that can leave a lot of emotional scars that perhaps you need to deal with...

Could the fact that he asked you to marry him and the man you are currently with not being ready to make a commitment have anything to do with you considering going back with your ex?

Abusers have a tendancy to convince their partners that noone else will want them...and sometimes if you hear it enough you start to believe it.

In your heart you know he will not change. I am sure you have been heard the "I am sorry and it won't happen again, please forgive me" song and dance more times than you can care to count.

Whatever choice you make is yours, but speaking from personal experience I would highly advise you not to.

As much as it may hurt you need to understand that you can't love him enough to make him change, as much as you may want to and you are better off without him.

I am sorry you are going through this.
 

SummerRiot

Dog Show Addict
Joined
Sep 16, 2005
Messages
8,056
Likes
0
Points
0
Age
38
Location
Ontario, Canada
#10
Ashlea -DONT go back with him..

You left him for a reason.. that reason is still there, its just hidden in his "swooning" behaviours.

I honestly doubt that he'll ever be the same man that you feel inlove with at the beginning for much longer.

After that "swooning" stage is over with, he'll resort to his old ways.

I'd honestly wait out that whole 6 months with your newer guy. Who knows, maybe this newer guy will turn out to be "the one"

The saying "Love is blind" Is extremely true. You only see what you WANT to see, not what everyone else around you sees.
Please keep that into consideration.

Have you imagined what married life would be like with this guy?

Its a lot harder and WAY more expensive to get a divorce then to just break up with someone.
 

Kay

New Member
Joined
Feb 17, 2006
Messages
178
Likes
0
Points
0
#12
I would not go back with him.

I have bipolar disorder also, and, let me tell you, though rages can be extreme, it is NO reason to be abusive in any way.

From experience on "his side", I have the same problem of stopping meds, because I feel I do not need them anymore. Then a mania hits....Or a depression hits....And you either end up hospitalised or crawling back yourself.

Some people will go their whole lives going on and off meds....Me, though, I've learned better *eyeroll.*

In any case, bipolar disorder does give extreme and sometimes unbearable emotions, but it is still no reason to be abusive in any way shape or form to anyone.
I believe that abuse is HIM, and not caused by "manic depression."

I agree with the last post...Move on and leave the past behind you. You don't need to be with someone who is like that.
 
L

LabBreeder

Guest
#13
Ok, you love your ex and he loves you and wants to marry you. You love your current boyfriend and he treats you well but can't "guarantee" anything. Have you told your current b/f the situation? Is it possible that the ex coming back into your life may give the current b/f the boost he needs to say "yes I want to be with you forever"? If you don't think your current b/f will ever commit, I say move on. When you left your ex it's because he went off the meds. He's since gotten counseling and is back on his meds. If I were you I'd tell my ex that he'd have to stay on the meds no matter what and you'd both need to go to counseling to make sure this is the right thing to do. If he agrees to do both of those things, I say go for it.

Ultimately, it is your decision and you must do what's best for you and your emotional well being.:)

*EDIT: After rereading your post and seeing the "emotional and other abuse" part...no, don't do it. If it was simply off the meds and had issues, that's one thing. But off the meds and abusive to you is another. I can't stand people that are abusive regardless of the reasons (especially when they know meds can control it) and I don't like guys that won't commit. Possibly dump 'em both unless you can get your b/f to say something positive about your future together. How long have you been together anyways? **
 

Babyblue5290

Happy Meal. Yum.
Joined
Feb 26, 2005
Messages
16,079
Likes
0
Points
0
#14
Don't do it!! Think of your future children!! What if you have children later and he goes off his meds??
 

Alisha2324

What you lookin at?
Joined
Dec 7, 2005
Messages
224
Likes
0
Points
0
Age
41
Location
Minnesota
#15
Please don't go back to him, if they do it once there is a huge chance it WILL happen again, i am talking from my stupid mistakes PLEASE think of your self and your future children!
 

Ashlea

New Member
Joined
Apr 11, 2006
Messages
962
Likes
0
Points
0
Age
40
Location
South Africa
#16
I have decided against going back to him. The main thing for me was the thoguht of how my kids one day would suffer. He has proved already that he is a horrible father.
I will always love him and while I feel sorry for him I just can't go back.

My current and I have only been together for 2 months and it is far to soon for anything more than what we have now.
I have realised that I need to relax within my self and stop pushing this boy for commitment. The only reason I am is because he said he can't. So this weekend I calmed right down and the difference in my current is huge!

He knows about the situation with my ex and has said that he needs to up his game if that is the case. He even said that he wishes it was me that he gave that ring to a year and a half ago, not his ex. We are unfortunately the victims of bad timing. We are both very hurt and confused.

Only time will tell if we make it.
 

Melissa_W

New Member
Joined
Jul 26, 2005
Messages
4,290
Likes
0
Points
0
#17
I think that's a good choice Ashlea.

And I agree with you, 2 months is too soon to ask for any real commitment. My current boyfriend was very hurt by his ex, so it took him a few months to really "let it go". At first, we took things one date at a time. Then we planned things weeks in advance, months in advance, etc. Now we've been together 4 years and are moving to NC together in 2 months. So, the point is, he'll probably come around if you give him time... and like you said, don't pressure him. No one wants to do something they feel like they have to do! :)
 
Joined
Oct 12, 2004
Messages
11,559
Likes
0
Points
0
Age
62
Location
Portland,Oregon
#18
This is my own personal opinion from my own experiences. I WOULD NOT go back to him. I would go on ahead with your life and wish him happiness. It's so likely that he will slip back into old behaviors. I wouldn't take the chance. You need to think about your own life and your future.:)
 

otterpreneur

Otterpreneur
Joined
Nov 29, 2003
Messages
171
Likes
0
Points
0
Location
Richwood, Ohio
#20
It only takes an instant to change a life. My sister's husband was not a manic depressive nor did he have to take meds for psychotic behavior. He had been a recovering alcoholic for about 15 years, clean and sober. He had a stroke and then without anyones knowledge he began using crack cocaine. One night when my sister was returning from a wedding with their 13 year old daughter and her 5 year old granddaughter. Her husband jumped out of the bushes with a gun and shot my sister in the head after chasing her two blocks. Why? because he had started to become abusive and she told him she was going to get a divorce. Once someone has been abusive in any manner and gets away with it, then it becomes easier to do it again. Everyones wants to say oh he only shot her because he was on drugs. I say he shot her because he was becoming abusive and the power made him feel he could do what he wanted when it came to my sister and having control over her. Why would someone want to be with a person they know for a fact is unstable? Your life is at stake. The abuse will escalate DON"T GO BACK.
 

Members online

No members online now.
Top