BF/GF expenses 50/50 or?
- Thread starter Michiyo-Fir
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When my husband and I were just bf/gf, we paid for our own stuff (I.e. our own rent/mortgage, car payments, insurance etc.) On dates, we would take turns paying (at my insistance). After we got married, we joined bank accounts and it all comes out of the same poole so its not his money or my money. Its "ours". I, however, still ask if I can purchase something that only I am/can use (exception is lady products). He does the same.
We went on several family vacations while dating (where the other person did not get to pick destination). Whoever's main vacation it was paid for majority of it, though the other person treated to dinner, or random things that cane up like soveniers, gas money etc.
I would not go on a vacation that he picks and then makes me pay. I would explain it, and if you can't go, then you can't go. Its really selfish for him to expect you to pay and go when he says to go etc.
We went on several family vacations while dating (where the other person did not get to pick destination). Whoever's main vacation it was paid for majority of it, though the other person treated to dinner, or random things that cane up like soveniers, gas money etc.
I would not go on a vacation that he picks and then makes me pay. I would explain it, and if you can't go, then you can't go. Its really selfish for him to expect you to pay and go when he says to go etc.
Well before I moved in with my ex or husband, we definitely paid for our own stuff unless he invited me to dinner, and we definitely didn't plan everything we wanted to do as a couple.
You're not living together... In these conditions, I don't think it's necessarily wrong of him to want to go somewhere and plan the trip on his own. For the dates, well it would make sense that he would plan it when it's convenient for his job. I just see it more as a 'I really want to do this, do you want to come with me?' more than 'let's plan some vacations together'. I mean, heck, if my husband really wanted to go to his SCA event in August again, I wouldn't be offended if he used his vacation time and went alone (I'd just be worried if he took the kids, obviously, and annoyed if he didn't :lol-sign
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But anyway, if it bothers you that much, I'd talk to him about it, the way I see it, it's just the way guys think vs the way gals think... Guys will plan their stuff then ask their girlfriend if they want to join, women are more likely to include their boyfriend in the decision.
You're not living together... In these conditions, I don't think it's necessarily wrong of him to want to go somewhere and plan the trip on his own. For the dates, well it would make sense that he would plan it when it's convenient for his job. I just see it more as a 'I really want to do this, do you want to come with me?' more than 'let's plan some vacations together'. I mean, heck, if my husband really wanted to go to his SCA event in August again, I wouldn't be offended if he used his vacation time and went alone (I'd just be worried if he took the kids, obviously, and annoyed if he didn't :lol-sign
.But anyway, if it bothers you that much, I'd talk to him about it, the way I see it, it's just the way guys think vs the way gals think... Guys will plan their stuff then ask their girlfriend if they want to join, women are more likely to include their boyfriend in the decision.
Josh and I have gone from long distance for 1.5 years, to living with each other for a year, then back to long distance for a year and a half so our situation is a little odd...
When we first moved in together we got a joint account that was separate from our own individual chequing accounts - to ensure basic bills were covered but we didn't need to argue about money. Based on our typical income, we set up pre-authorized transfers from our accounts to the joint on our pay weeks. At that point I was in school, had a car, and was working part time. He was working full-time. So we were around a 70/30 split of joint contributions.
We agreed that the joint account was first for joint bills - rent, internet, groceries etc. and the residual was a "fun"/emergency fund depending on what we needed when we needed it.
So a vacation would have been pooled together in that account by the both of us. We would plan and make additional contributions where we could and go when the joint account had enough.
Aside from that we'd be respectful of each others purchases, though we'd typically share most things.
Right now it's a little different because while I am only working part time, I don't pay rent or car insurance. Whereas he does where he is living. So a lot of the time I am the one to pick up the tabs on the fun sorta things. Which is fine.
To your point though, as with everyone else, I do find the way your SO planned this vacation. I would let him know that your financial situation just doesn't allow for you to take such a vacation right now and that you hope he has a great time. You could even suggest that when he gets back, the two of you can start planning a vacation together for when you are able to afford it.
When we first moved in together we got a joint account that was separate from our own individual chequing accounts - to ensure basic bills were covered but we didn't need to argue about money. Based on our typical income, we set up pre-authorized transfers from our accounts to the joint on our pay weeks. At that point I was in school, had a car, and was working part time. He was working full-time. So we were around a 70/30 split of joint contributions.
We agreed that the joint account was first for joint bills - rent, internet, groceries etc. and the residual was a "fun"/emergency fund depending on what we needed when we needed it.
So a vacation would have been pooled together in that account by the both of us. We would plan and make additional contributions where we could and go when the joint account had enough.
Aside from that we'd be respectful of each others purchases, though we'd typically share most things.
Right now it's a little different because while I am only working part time, I don't pay rent or car insurance. Whereas he does where he is living. So a lot of the time I am the one to pick up the tabs on the fun sorta things. Which is fine.
To your point though, as with everyone else, I do find the way your SO planned this vacation. I would let him know that your financial situation just doesn't allow for you to take such a vacation right now and that you hope he has a great time. You could even suggest that when he gets back, the two of you can start planning a vacation together for when you are able to afford it.
He sounds kind of controlling to be honest. I would be fed up with him always making the decisions/not giving you a choice on the matter and disguising it as a "surprise". I also find it odd that he wouldn't just offer to pay your half of the trip knowing you are tight on money, especially if he is well off financially.
So I've been running into this a lot lately. I moved to the DC area to be with BF and also because I got a much nicer job. But his family is from a definitively different socio-economic class than mine and they're constantly "inviting" us to do things with them that we have to pay our own way to. I just think it's super weird to plan an event where you expect people to pay more than $100/night to hang out with you.
I'm really glad he doesn't have any friends getting married soon!
I'm really glad he doesn't have any friends getting married soon!
Well, that depends really. I mean for instance, I invited several people to come with me to Mexico this month. They would have to pay their own way (probably would work out to about $800)
I also invited several people to my vacation this moth on the Lost Coast. It would have worked out to about $1000.
But those were invites with no expectations. Like hey this is where I'd be and you're welcome to join. But I know that they probably can't afford it or can't take the time off. They all said no and I honestly didn't care.
I don't think there's anything wrong with inviting people and making the financial commitment known up front. I do think it's wrong to invite people and *expect* them to go. If I invite someone and expect them to go, I think it is my responsibility to cover their cost.
I also invited several people to my vacation this moth on the Lost Coast. It would have worked out to about $1000.
But those were invites with no expectations. Like hey this is where I'd be and you're welcome to join. But I know that they probably can't afford it or can't take the time off. They all said no and I honestly didn't care.
I don't think there's anything wrong with inviting people and making the financial commitment known up front. I do think it's wrong to invite people and *expect* them to go. If I invite someone and expect them to go, I think it is my responsibility to cover their cost.
When Tyler and I where dating we split things pretty evenly. We didn't live together so car payments, rent and all that good stuff we payed ourselves.
When he was in school I was paying for most of the stuff.
When it came to going on trips we would pay half and half. Or try to at least. If he was making more money he would pay for more.
Now that we live together and own and house and Tyler makes a **** ton more then me. He pays for most of the stuff. We have a shared band account that all the money goes into, so essentially it is our money. But the money he makes pays for the big things and my money is just play money and put wherever needed.
Honestly even when we where just dating I could not see Tyler just randomly planning a trip without me and then inviting me afterwards. I probably would be offended.
When he was in school I was paying for most of the stuff.
When it came to going on trips we would pay half and half. Or try to at least. If he was making more money he would pay for more.
Now that we live together and own and house and Tyler makes a **** ton more then me. He pays for most of the stuff. We have a shared band account that all the money goes into, so essentially it is our money. But the money he makes pays for the big things and my money is just play money and put wherever needed.
Honestly even when we where just dating I could not see Tyler just randomly planning a trip without me and then inviting me afterwards. I probably would be offended.
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That was kind of my initial reaction too. Especially since we've been saying that we wanted to go on vacation together this year.
My situation, however, has been cleared up. I talked to him about it and he said he thought I had planned my own vacation with family for the summer which I had mentioned as a possible consideration for this summer. I did say at the time that if I were to go on vacation with my cousins, that he's invited to come if he wants.
He thought I would be away sometime in August with my family so he decided to pick somewhere that he wanted to go to and do. I guess I'm alright with that, although I think it would've been better if he confirmed with me that what I mentioned months ago as only a possibility was actually planned or not. I told him I understood the confusion but I would like to be included in the planning process of the next vacation and he was totally fine with it.
I also talked to him about the financial situation, he said he was willing to pay a bit more of it on my behalf, and cover the activity that he wanted to do. He also gave me the choice to pay him whenever it's convenient for me so I guess I will be going after all.
Thanks for all the advice everyone, I'm so glad it worked out in the end. We're not the best at communicating sometimes and end up with misunderstandings some times with the way we phrase what we want to say. We're working on it!
My situation, however, has been cleared up. I talked to him about it and he said he thought I had planned my own vacation with family for the summer which I had mentioned as a possible consideration for this summer. I did say at the time that if I were to go on vacation with my cousins, that he's invited to come if he wants.
He thought I would be away sometime in August with my family so he decided to pick somewhere that he wanted to go to and do. I guess I'm alright with that, although I think it would've been better if he confirmed with me that what I mentioned months ago as only a possibility was actually planned or not. I told him I understood the confusion but I would like to be included in the planning process of the next vacation and he was totally fine with it.
I also talked to him about the financial situation, he said he was willing to pay a bit more of it on my behalf, and cover the activity that he wanted to do. He also gave me the choice to pay him whenever it's convenient for me so I guess I will be going after all.
Thanks for all the advice everyone, I'm so glad it worked out in the end. We're not the best at communicating sometimes and end up with misunderstandings some times with the way we phrase what we want to say. We're working on it!
I see you have worked out the problem for now but there is a bigger picture.
Sounds like he is inconsiderate. He did not take your wants and needs into account when he was making these plans. This is unlikely to change going forward. This is not about surprise because it is about control. A surprise would be a vacation that YOU would like and HE would pay for. He needs to make that happen some time. Not every time but some of the time. You could have a vacation that was shared expense trip but it needs to be a shared plan for both of you to enjoy, not just a one person win.
Your financial situation dictates that you would have to politely decline his offer. It was never a vacation for you anyway. You were considering stretching your already tight budget just to spend time with him while he was having a good time?
Hope this helps in some way.
Sounds like he is inconsiderate. He did not take your wants and needs into account when he was making these plans. This is unlikely to change going forward. This is not about surprise because it is about control. A surprise would be a vacation that YOU would like and HE would pay for. He needs to make that happen some time. Not every time but some of the time. You could have a vacation that was shared expense trip but it needs to be a shared plan for both of you to enjoy, not just a one person win.
Your financial situation dictates that you would have to politely decline his offer. It was never a vacation for you anyway. You were considering stretching your already tight budget just to spend time with him while he was having a good time?
Hope this helps in some way.